To think boarding schools are an expensive version of neglect?

[WriterofDreams]

I don't get boarding schools at all. Especially for young children. I will never forget watching a documentary about 7 year olds being sent to boarding school and the fear and upset the poor girls went through being separated from their families. For what? The mums seemed to think the poor children's suffering was necessary in service of their futures. Surely it's more important for them to grow up in their families and enjoy their siblings? I don't have a huge amount of personal experience of boarding schools so I may be missing something important. I do know however know two adults who were sent to boarding school as young children and consider themselves seriously damaged by it.

Surely it's better for a young child to be raised by people who genuinely love them than by a house mother who may be kind and loving but who essentially is just doing a job? AIBU to see boarding school as a form of high class care system for the wealthy?

LeQueen the counter argument you say is a 'crock of shit' is exactly the same I think about your argument re lack of bonding rubbish. Hopefully you can understand how offensive your comments are now the other way has been spun back at you.

It's a bit like the standard MN argument that if you have chosen private education for your dcs it must be because you think state schools are shit. Sometimes the picture is broader than that.

I hope for your sake that your dcs are average in all that they do. That way you will never have to face any decision that might mean your dcs committing a lot of time to an activity they excel at and which may require them to spend nights away from you.

if you don't think there is abuse in choir schools you are on another planet

and yes, you can be the best gymnast in the world but if you send her to school at 7 you will damage her.

sorry if you don't like to hear that. have a look at the boarding school survivors site if you like. But I expect you won't

Ds's interest in being a chorister stems from going to church. He asked about it. He asked if he could visit the school. He is so keen to go that he wanted to tell his teacher all about it (I suggested that he waits until he actually knows if he is going there). Of course if he does I will have facilitated it by driving him to the audition. That is the sum total of my involvement. Maybe Ds is unusual in being so focused. I knew what I wanted to do for a living when I was 7 and never waivered.

Yes I suppose that when I took my DD2 to gymnastics aged 3 I should have been prepared for the fact that she was amazing. I should have know in advance that it would be the beginning of 10 hour a week training. I should have been prepared for the fact that at some point in the future I am going to have to let her go to a specialist training facility.
Obviously I have conditioned her into wanting to do these things.
Imagine our surprise when we came to realise that DD1 was really clever. Now picture me of average intelligence not being able to help my 7 year old daughter with her Maths homework.
Picture my DD1's school failing to help support her, every year.
Now picture every school in our area only getting 45% a-c grade passes most years.

What would you do exactly?
Have you tried to get your child to do anything they dont want to do?
Yep it doesnt happen.

Having read this thread off and on for several days the thing that strikes me most about the strong objectors to boarding schools is that it is their personal feelings they are projecting. It is is how they feel that matters most. They are talking almost nothing about what their children might want or think.

In contrast, the people who are positive about boarding schools are talking almost exclusively about how their children feel and how many of their children really want to go to boarding school.

It seems to me that the naysayers need to set aside their own feelings and ask whether their child might actually benefit and enjoy boarding school.

My own DSs would love to go to boarding school and they positivley do not want to be cuddled every night. This is because they know they are loved and are very secure happy children.

NO They are telling us what their children want.

So I think they are telling the children what they want.

My son would be horrfied if I suggested he live away, and why do your children not liked to be cuddled, I find that weird.

If they do not like to be cuddled by you maybe they would be better of in boarding school.

Thing is when your child is at boarding school, you have given up the nurturing, like it or not that is a fact.

I suppose some people are more maternal than others and if this is so boarding school is better.

See I am changing my mind boarding school is GOOD if your not maternal.

but that makes me think why have kids at all, if not to look after and nurture them.

Our job is to steer them into adulthood, not pay someone else to do it.

I would hire a cleaner if I could not be bothered or have time to clean.

I would hire a full time ''teacher/babysitter/nurse'' if I could not be bothered or have the time.

I would send to boarding school.....................

You just have to look at sites like the boarding school survivors' association to know the damage they do which is wjhy boarding is in decline.

If you think your influence is prtty bad then of course you'd want the principal influence on your children in their teens to be others but most of us don't. Most people awnt to live with the people they lvoe. However you look at it it is rejection and no one wants to leave home - it's simply they have been conditioned to think they want it or they read an Enid Bluyton book but don't udnerstand the reality of it.

The fact is that even if only 1 child in 100 is damaged by boarding school why would any arent who loves a child take that risk? They could instead move near our wonderful day private schools where you get the same without the emotional damage.

I certainly would not ban boarding and I think it's within a range of parental choice and in some very awful homes you're better out of the home than in it but however warm the duvets these days you are still in essense rejected - your parent pays to send you away and children talk about surviving it, hardening themseolves to it. They build up a hard shell which can make it hard to form close emotional relationships in later life.

I went to boarding school for 7 years. I don't think I could send my DD to boarding school but I would not rule it out because circumstances may arise where it would be better for her to go.

I have so many very positive and negative thoughts about BS. It took me about 2 years to settle, and it was very hard to go thru the turbulent teenage years and all those emotions at school, tho you could say teens feel misunderstood no matter where they are...

On the other hand, I still have important friendships with many of the people I was there with and I think they are very special - it's like having a lovely extended family. We don't call or see each other every week but we all care about how each other are doing, how we are coping with the milestones of life etc.

The thing about self confidence and independence is important too. I remember arriving at university and being shocked to see people struggle with simple tasks like sorting out meals for themselves because they just hadn't had to to it before, laundry, just coping generally with being responsible for themselves. I felt incredibly lucky that I had confidence and was able to help others who were having a rough time. But you could easily argue that one should also learn those things at home.

TBH, I think I went to a really good, small school and that's why I came out of it well, even though it was a struggle at the beginning. I do think that BSs are all about the grades and fees now, and I have to say that I really felt cared for at school, all my teachers and matrons etc knew everything about me, I was never just another pupil. I sometimes feel like people do expect that children will just learn things like manners and how to treat ppl nicely etc at school (because the parents don't enforce good manners and kindness in the playground and this horrifies me) and I feel that's quite sad.

bloody hell best stop waffling on...

Xenia boarding is NOT in decline

am I right in thinking that your dad was a psychiatrist who dealt with a fair amount of boarding school damage xenia?

I went to boarding school from 11 - three thousand miles from home. My parents hated each other, were deeply unhappy and my dad belted me on regular occasions. I didn't mind boarding school - it was better than home and my sister was there. Do I have a relationship with my brother who was 7 when I left? Not really - I like him but don't really know him. Was he damaged by being sent 3000 miles away to board at the age of 8? Um YES he would be the first to say so. Couldn't form a close loving relationship until he was 36. Did my husband, sent away at 8, suffer damage? Yes, he couldn't understand why he couldn't be at home. Many/most young boarders have feelings of rejections, build a little wall around themselves which can make them the life and soul of the party but unable to have very deep and close relationships, have excellent friendly relationships with their parents but have never had a proper conversation about feelings and emotions with them etc etc etc

All this is extremely well documented.

My version of weekly boarding (at 12) must have been so un-harsh to many on here as I am so close to my parents, siblings and am fairly emotional.

But I will admit to being put off having a female best-friend. God there were some intense friendships at 12 - 15. A bf who would get cross if you went to the tuck shop with someone else. Blimey put me off for life. So I have a circle of very good friends instead. And get on fine with men and dh of course.

Parenting-wise the boarding school was a closer match to their values I suppose than the local state and so it was more seamless in a way. We may have been emotionally further apart if the clash between us was greater.

Don't worry painfullyhonest it's quite fun letting it all out...

weekly boarding is a COMPLETELY different thing marsha, I quite agree. Sleepovers at school and weekends at home is not the same as full boarding and can work very well. Not for 8 year olds, but 12, 13 whatever.

cheers marsha

Yes I agree Freshmint. The difference between the ages is paramount.

Absolutely.

Ds is 6 and still so well, immature, a young child.

It must have been very hard.

My friend and I distilled down the four reasons people give for sending their kids to boarding school (and there are only four reasons I reckon

1. Forces/diplomats continuity of education
2. I went there and I'm fine
3. I have a better lifestyle if the kids are somewhere else most of the time
4. I'm a raging snob/all my friends are doing it

1. is a valid reason.

Discuss

And this thread is about 7/8/9 so I shouldn't really be on it. But I can't help myself!

1. Too far. Mine was, there wasn't any daily public transport and too far. Although I suppose I should ask them why they didn't move from their house.

well exactly
we lived too far from anywhere for the kids to go to senior school so we upped sticks and moved to a place with loads of choices

so I'll give you 5. but I think it is an excuse for 2. 3. or 4.

(they are quite snobby )

swallow The RAF families that I have met that have boarding teens have chosen this to give the children continuity of friendships and schooling during the exam years, that is harder to achieve if postings move them once or twice in that time. It's a more settled life for the children. Personally, I'd still be uncomfortable with this. Haven't encountered anyone doing it below secondary level.

There are others where both parents are military, not necessarily posted to the same place, and may be deployed at the same time.

Many military families do leave one parent and family living in "the family home" while the posted parent copes by coming home weekends or once a week or whatever, and that has its own strains. We live in Lincs, and as there are a number of RAF bases, many people manage to base most of their career somewhere in the county.

As a somewhat light-hearted aside - dh is always receiving leaflets about a certain BS - had a look at their website, where they wax lyrical about their boarding accommodation being the best in Europe (or somesuch) - and they have (time-locked) TVs in every bedroom and fridges/mini-kitchens. My kids don't have TVs at home in bedroom, why would I want them to have them at BS? And fridges in every room? Mallory Towers, it was not!

No they are not really. I will ask them, I'm not sure if there were many of my father's job around.

I tell you what though, I am so glad I live in London and have loads of schools around me.. Won't have to make the same hard decisions.

'i also find it odd that i seem to be hearing that army wives (not military themselves) would leave their children at boarding school to travel with their husbands. surely you'd stay with your children and let your husband travel with his job? does the husband matter more to you than the children or is there something pragmatic i'm missing?'

Here we go again....

1: Not all military wives are army wives, there are three services, and all the Services have parents serving who send their children to boarding schools.

2: Have you actually tried being separated for any length of time? I have throughout my 25 year marriage to a Naval officer. I thought weekending for 4 years on the trot was the pits, but we did it because it was best for ds. Dh then got posted abroad after two years being able to come home most nights, and we only saw each other every six weeks. Now, earlier on on this thread that was referred to as being a neglectful parent working abroad and only seeing your child every month. Yet, if we had chosen boarding so I could move with dh, that would be neglectful as well. Those in the Armed Forces have the right to a family life, and if that includes the children having at some stage to board because it isn't suitable to take them to Algeria, Saudi or Moscow for a posting, or you can't deal with the weekending anymore, then they board.

3: It's not 'travelling with your husband', it's leaving everything to move to a new country for a while and to set up a home and cope with living somewhere without your support system, where you don't understand the language or how things work. It isn't easy, especially as you could have to move again a year later with 6 weeks notice in some cases. Try doing that with kids too many times and their education has no continuity. It's not a round of cocktail parties and glam; the washing still needs doing and the loo still needs cleaning wherever you live.

My husband's last boss is out here, and he is being posted at the end of March. He doesn't know where he is going, they have no MQ sorted, he could be going to Afghanistan or Warminster, he hasn't been told yet. The man is a senior Colonel. If you knew that you could be messed around like that, and had to try and sort entry to school without an address as you are not allocated an MQ until 4 weeks before, then you just might decide to use a boarding school.

4: You can't quantify who means more to you, as you love them both immensely in different ways. The pragmatic thing you are missing is that wives miss their husbands, and none of us want to end up divorced. Weekending (and unless you've done it, you cannot know what it is like), is like being a single parent, but with a good salary going in the bank. You get to deal with all the shitty bits of parenthood, make all the tough calls and have to readjust every time your dh comes home. It is equally difficult for them to readjust. The children can play one off against the other and you have little time together because the kids monopolise their Dad and when they don't he wants to chill. Like I said earlier, my Dad blamed me for my parents marriage breaking up because I didn't want to go to boarding school and my Mum let me go to comp. He told me that when I was 13; they eventually divorced when I was 25, and I am now 45. I still feel guilty to this day.

You also have to look at the cost of divorce. Many military families live in service accommodation, they don't have their own houses, so a divorce means loss of home, security, maybe a change of area, loss of income, change of school, change of lifestyle, loss of friends etc - how is that beneficial to children as opposed to the continuity that boarding can provide?

5: Much as I love ds, I was with his Dad a decade before he was born, and I hope we will be together decades after ds has left home. I think too many women lose sight of their husbands and the person they married when the kids arrive, and that can impact on a marriage too. If you prioritise your childs needs all the time to late teens, then you may well find that you dh gets tired of playing second fiddle. See para above, been there, done that, not doing it again.