To think boarding schools are an expensive version of neglect?

[WriterofDreams]

I don't get boarding schools at all. Especially for young children. I will never forget watching a documentary about 7 year olds being sent to boarding school and the fear and upset the poor girls went through being separated from their families. For what? The mums seemed to think the poor children's suffering was necessary in service of their futures. Surely it's more important for them to grow up in their families and enjoy their siblings? I don't have a huge amount of personal experience of boarding schools so I may be missing something important. I do know however know two adults who were sent to boarding school as young children and consider themselves seriously damaged by it.

Surely it's better for a young child to be raised by people who genuinely love them than by a house mother who may be kind and loving but who essentially is just doing a job? AIBU to see boarding school as a form of high class care system for the wealthy?

Musical talent is an amazing thing.......my brother learnt the guitar at 7 up to the highest grade [dont know what that is]

He teaches guitar and is an examiner for the royal college of music for the area he lives in.

He played in a band for several years [rock] and made several albums. Toured the world.

He went to state school and learnt in his spare time evenings etc.

Did not have to go boarding school at all.

I have very limited funds and need to work like you wouldn't imagine -- hence no holidays, old car...

Depends on how much you're prepared to put yourself out. Boarding school costs, no?

How many children leave boarding school after learning to sing nicely or play an instrument actually make a living out of it?

Receiver I don't get your argument about the cost of activities - surely boarding school costs more? My parents were quite poor when I was little but I still did drama and swimming and my sister did guitar. As goodbye pointed out, neither of us made a career out of these things despite being quite good at them and enjoying them a lot, so they definitely wouldn't have been worth boarding for.

I think it all comes down to a fundamental difference in priorities. Some parents prioritise their children being successful - academically, in sport, in music - and are willing to risk their emotional development for that. Other parents would like to see their children succeed but would rather not risk their children's emotional development for that success. I, for one, intend to do whatever I can in terms of time and money to give my children the chance to be successful, while at the same time having them at home in a personal, loving environment surrounded by family. Best of both worlds.

not good for young kids, but once they reach the teenage years i think its a great idea. a strong family bond with siblings is important though. i have friend who has an awful relationship with her brother, both were boarders at separate schools from a young age.

I don't see at all that sending kids to boarding school from 11 or 13 risks their emotional development at all. My ds will go at 16, as I can't move him between years 12 and 13 and he will enjoy far more freedom at the college I want him to attend than he would have here with me. He will also be able to do all the things that I did when there that my Mum wouldn't have approved of!

Couldn't do 0500 starts on a teaching load LeQ - didn't get to bed to 0100 most nights and needed the sleep. Getting up at 0630 was bad enough.

MrsChips - pm me, no problem, but I was at Kitto in 2001/02, so may be well after your time.
Lots do make a living out of music after they've left. Several go back to Cambridge to read music and sing in the choirs or become organ scholars and many go on to sing professionally and work in music.

I don't think there is a difference in priorities at all Writer - the priority in all of this discussion for all of us is the wellbeing of our children. As our children are individuals, and one size does not fit all, different family circumstances and different needs of those individual children will mean some board and some don't. I went to a comp as I didn't want to board, and my Dad blamed me for the break up of my parents marriage because my Mum didn't move with him so I could attend comp. I've felt guilty about that for a very long time now, so what would have been best for me? Not every child gets to grow up in a personal, loving environment and some times the alternatives need to be examined.

I don't think it is trade off between success and emotional development and I don't see why everything has to be measured in terms of financial reward. There is a lot more to life than that. Fwiw I got to grade 6 on the violin by the age of 11 at a state school.

Actually one of the reasons my son wants to go to boarding school is to do the activities he wouldn't normally do as we can't afford it. It's a means tested boarding school, with 25% of the pupils being eligable for free school meals, so I doubt if they would be able to afford the activities and tuition if they didn't go.

lequeen I find your argument ott

Of course the parents miss their children like mad. I miss mine when they go away but like anything you get used to it

Loads of kids have crappy awful home lives and loads of children do things culturally that we may not all see as our way.

Ah choir schools. Yes, fabulous music but it really is a full-time occupation. And parents rarely see them for the full holidays because they are on tour in vienna or los angeles or somewhere (well, the good choir schools). So you can't really pull the "oh but they are home for 20 weeks a year" argument.

And you cannot deny (unless you have your head firmly in the sand while saying "la la la I can't hear you") that there are much much greater instances of abuse in choir schools than normal boarding schools, which have much greater instances of abuse than day schools.

But hey they have a lovely time singing and playing instruments, these lovely little 8, 9 and 10 year olds. So that's OK.

PS I got grade 8 on the cello at 14 which was nice but it hasn't exactly followed me into later life

and I got the first 5 grades at day school

Swore was not getting involved again!
Like I said earlier if you read my posts, you'd realise that my son gains alot more than just singing and playing instruments. He has experienced things that he will remember and hold dear for the rest of his life!!!!!! If he chooses a life in music which at the moment he wants to (but I know things change!) then he has had the most incredible start. If he chooses a different path then he will have an incredible set of memories and musical talents that will last him a lifetime.
Whatever happens to him in the future he has also had parents that love, cherish, worship and support him.

Lucylu - some people could argue that their children have experiences at home with their parents that they will remember and hold dear for the rest of their lives and that your son would not have had the opportunity to experience because he has been away.

I think that experiences like being a choister are about the present. For example my uncle sang at the Queen's corrination more than 50 years ago. He never made a career in music, but he has the memories.

My son loves singing and is a keen member of a church choir. I don't think I would want the commitment of having a child in a major choir, as it does infringe on family life,

I am a parent of 2 DC who are boarders.

It was never planned that way. Our family life evolved that way due to circumstances.

As a mum I love my DC ever little bit as much as a parent of any day child.

I reluctantly opted for BS because I honestly believe that in our current circumstances it is the very best thing for our DC. I believe I have been proved right in seeing a positive change in my DC now they have a settled and stable part of their life.

I miss my dc but make sure I am involved. We now live over a 100miles from their school. However, I always attend shool activities when I can. Saturday we travel vast and wide to watch them play in matches, Some Sundays we go to chapel at school and then take them out for lunch before THEY CHOOSE to spend the afternoon hanging out with their friends or doing one of the many the school activities. I attend all school performances, art shows and basically anything I can that goes on at the school.

I walk around the school and am constantly greeted by staff who know my children well. They ask me if my DC located their lost pencil case, if they made the hockey team, if they did well if such and such test etc etc. This may be a French teacher asking about something DC are doing in Science or freetime.

I have no doubts that my DC are very well cared for at school.

Its horses for courses. Just because its worked out well for our family and most importantly my DC does not mean it will be right for every child or every family even. I fully accept that and would never suggest to anyone that MY WAY IS THE RIGHT WAY, so get pretty cheesed off when other people think thay have the right to tell me our choice, our decision is vile, wrong, disgustingm unfair etc etc.

I could not give a toss what anyone else opts for with their kids and have never understood the furore at our decision for our DC. I am content with our choice. My DC are very content and that is all that matters to me.

I am not interested in tales of boarding schools from 10 years ago let alone 30,40,50 years ago. They bare little likeness to the modern BS's of today.

Like I said I love my DC as much as any other mum. If at any point I felt BS was not working,beneficial or right for my DC they would be out like a shot.

Just because it may not be what you would choose for your DC it does not make it wrong nor neglectful.

I cant quite believe that some people are apparently very happy to accuse other parents of neglect, emotional abandonment, scare them into thinking that their child is being abused at school!

If a child has a talent should they be held back just so the parent can feel all smug and superior because they are obviously so much better at being a mummy than everyone else?

We all go through life making day to day decisions which we hope are the best for our families.

My dd1 is going to boarding school in September. She wants to go, she has chosen to go. If I stopped her going I would be taking away the only chance for her to have a very good education. One which we can not give her at home.
DD2 is an elite gymnast. Already and she is 6. What do I do? Ignore it and make her also stay home because I dont want her to be apart from me?

Freshmint
The abuse post is below the belt!!!!
Slag me off put me down disagree and hate me for my choices but don't throw the my heads in the sand and my son is much more likely to be abused.

I got grade 8 in voice and clarinet and grade 6 in piano. Hasn't made a jot of difference to my life - yes, I have never been turned down as a member of a choir but that's about it. I have a good voice but I've never been good enough to make a living at it.

Actually, that may not be true but when I got to my late teens, I didn't want to spend three hours a day practising my voice/clarinet/piano. I wanted to go and have fun and smoke cigarettes and drink beer.

But as reallytired says, it's also about the present. I sang a solo with the Kings Singers in a massive concert hall with an audience of 2000. I have sung solos for the King of Belgium and Prince Philip. So I have those memories I guess (although I'd pretty much forgotten about them until this thread :o)

Reading some of the comments of positives of boarding school - in terms of what they offer (activities etc) i really think too much emphasis is being put on what the child wants! Kids in my opinion should fit into the family and not the other way round. Admittedly i take my kids swimming lessons, rainbows and dancing lessons but more as a hobby as i'm well aware that in 10 years time they are unlikely to be olympic swimmers or professional dancers! I do wander if there is a class-divide showing on here. Some of the reasons given why children have asked to go to boarding school - for swimming, choir etc sound very adult led - and i'm talking specifically about young children here 7-10 yrs. If i ask my 6 year old what she want to be she insists on being the tooth fairy when she's grown up!! The idea of anything else wouldn't even enter her head. All the activities on offer sound great but really are you not just filling your childs time with things to do rather than just letting them be children? Plus will they really make use of all the things they've learnt? I don't mean to sound critical of peoples choices at all - it just seems the balance has tipped a bit too far and that some of these choices are highly influenced by parents.