To think boarding schools are an expensive version of neglect?

[WriterofDreams]

I don't get boarding schools at all. Especially for young children. I will never forget watching a documentary about 7 year olds being sent to boarding school and the fear and upset the poor girls went through being separated from their families. For what? The mums seemed to think the poor children's suffering was necessary in service of their futures. Surely it's more important for them to grow up in their families and enjoy their siblings? I don't have a huge amount of personal experience of boarding schools so I may be missing something important. I do know however know two adults who were sent to boarding school as young children and consider themselves seriously damaged by it.

Surely it's better for a young child to be raised by people who genuinely love them than by a house mother who may be kind and loving but who essentially is just doing a job? AIBU to see boarding school as a form of high class care system for the wealthy?

completely agree scary
and forces kids don't have the same feeling of rejection as other kids because they don't think "why did they send me? why don't they want me at home? Is there something wrong with me?" because they KNOW why they have been sent and it is because it is unavoidable. And all of their mates from the base in Germany are going to Hanford or wherever too.
Tis different being a forces brat

freshmint but what about - 6. the best education for my teenager?

This is why ds is going at 16, because we are due to move at the end of Year 12 and I will not move him then. Neither do I want to spend another 2 years 6 weeking and then weekending.

Notsa I'm really talking about sending them young. say pre-13

your teenager can have a view and express it and presumably you would take that into account

I refuse to believe that boarding school CAN be the best education for an 8 9 10 year old (absent the forces discussion above)

they should be at home

That was an excellent post Xenia. I think at 13 plus boarding can be the perfect solution for many children, but it must always remain their choice. My son who is 15 finds it really hard living rurally, with a rubbish bus service, and he is at an independent school 10 miles from home, with no catchment area so all his friends are flung far and wide. My DH and I spend endless hours driving at weekends and evenings so he can go to sports clubs and socialise with friends. All the local kids go to the local comp so he doesn't know them. I think if he boarded now he's older he'd be much happier, as he'd rather be with his friends than with us! Unfortunately his school doesn't offer weekly boarding.

Having said that, there is no way I would have EVER just assumed that any of my DCs would go away to school at 7, or 9 or whatever. I do think some parents of a certain class delude themselves when they say that their primary age children really want to go. The parents tell themselves that because they need to believe it, to assuage their own doubts and guilt, and as Xenia said, those children have often been conditioned to believe it's perfectly normal and there is no choice. But I think the parents view what they see as the social advantages and prestige of a good public school as a higher priority than their feelings - or the child's.

The trouble with boarding school is that it polarises the social hierarchy among children. Those who are fiesty, independent, confident, clever, and socially dominant may well thrive, but at the expense of those who are not, and perhaps need more emotional support. This happens in all schools of course, but it happens with knobs on in boarding schools. And the younger you are when you struggle to settle, the more it will affect you in later life, I'm sure.

I used to work in recruitment in the city in the 80's. We had two lots of very stereotypical public school ex-boarders come to us looking for jobs - the very braying loud over-confident types, and the shy, stammering, twitchy, quite literally gibbering wrecks, who in spite of their expensive educations and their privilege, were broken people.

Whereas the average state school pupils seemed nowhere near as polarised in their personality types.

sorry scaryteacher but noone forced you or others to join/stay in the army - you (or a partner) could have left! I don't get this justification for military. If you send them to boarding school because you think its okay too (which i accept as an opinion) then that's fine and admit thats why, but i think its wrong to say military have to because they don't - of course they do if their career comes first....... (preparing for backlash)

Maybe people in the military shouldn't have children. Lots and lots of sacrifice required of everyone around them so they can pursue their career. Any other job where they were expecting their family to up sticks at a moment's notice and they'd get very short shrift on here but because they're military, it's okay.

i actually think its a good idea at 16 as it will prepare many for university and probably stop them going wild at 18...

are you serious christine

I assume you are joking but forgot the smiley

ps great post fellatio

not that i'd send mine at 16 but see no issues then if school nearby as some teenagers of this age would benefit of living experiences before university

Not entirely freshmint but this 'oh well the whole family needs to suffer because of their dad's career' schtick is a bit grim. I say that as someone who was dragged around the world growing up in the interests of pursuing my own father's career and it was pretty bloody tiresome. Not something I'd put my own children through

i essentially agree with what Christine is saying
military is a career choice

I think I have heard it all now-anyone in the forces shouldn't have children!

Seriously?
Now women shouldn't have children if they want to follow their chosen career?

I see this thread is still going, then. With equally stupid contributions.

'Maybe people in the military shouldn't have children'. So what do you propose, then? Sterilize them all when they sign up? Or just sack them when they get pregnant / partner gets pregnant?

so you would rather you didn't exist Christine?
wow. how existential of you.

Sorry - should clarify - clearly there are lots of sensible contributions too, I have just seen a couple of idiotic posts on this particular thread, tonight and last night.

i don't think anyone means they shouldn't have children - just don't get the career before children attitude. One member in the military seems difficult -too i thinks a bit unreasonable as a family but thats only my opinion!

Again, HM Forces does not just consist of the Army. I am NOT married to an Army Officer, but to a Naval one who goes to sea; the Army is on land and the RAF fly.

My dh did not want to leave the RN, I did not want him to leave the RN either - he had worked hard for his career, I am a Forces brat so knew (roughly) what it would be like.

I don't care if you get the justification for the military or not. If you think anyone is going to throw up an extremely good salary, professional development and pension because they might have to send their child to board, then you are barking, especially in the current economic climate.

Part of being in the military, which you evidently don't understand, is that you don't get a choice for the most part of either where or when you get moved. If you don't do the moving, then you can't do your job.

As for 'Maybe people in the military shouldn't have children' replace military with disabled, black etc? How dare you discriminate?

Also 'Any other job where they were expecting their family to up sticks at a moment's notice and they'd get very short shrift on here but because they're military, it's okay.'

Diplomats do it; many jobs require it; financiers, engineers, chemists, scientists, doctors. If you want the good jobs, you need to be able to move to all sorts of places, Japan, Philippines, Indonesia, US, Mexico, Iceland. One of ds's friends family moved from Belgium to the US with 4 weeks warning last term because the company wanted the Dad there or no job.

I went to Boarding School and pretty much enjoyed it. Had a few shit days but then we all have them dont we? Shit days are not exclusive to boarding schools are they?

My DD boards. Loves it. I have to say in 20 years boarding has moved on leaps and bounds. I enjoyed it when I was there but its much improved now, not just with facilities etc but the actual set up and the way it is run.

I think you really cannot compare boarding just a few years ago to today.

That is not to say that even the best boarding school in the world would be a good place to send a child not comfortable or happy in the situation.

I boarded and was never abused, never felt neglected by my parents and am not emotionally damaged in anyway. I have a fabulous close relationship with both my DD and my parents.

I am a service wife who has "chosen" to accompany my DH on his tours. This has come about after 3 attempts at doing married unaccompanied so our DD would remian settled. The reality of this life is not as black and white as some people think. Military life is not 9 to 5 Monday to Friday. On top of his random shift pattern at various bases around the UK and the world, DH has frequently been called up for deployment - not just once every 15 months as per the norm the last few years but also to provide emergency cover. On top of these 6/7 months away there is the 16 week pre dep training - also away from base - in yet another part of UK or world. In 2008 I saw my husband for 29 days. The previous year was little more and 2009 was better but not vastly. Our marriage sufferd as did family life. So we decided to give accompanied postings ago. Its working well atm. Of course there will be those that say DH should give up his career and throw all his knowledge, training and experience paid for by the tax payer down the drain, and leave the military. Perhaps we could claim Jobseekers allowance whilst he finds another job and retrains as something else. Thankfully for this country - not all military fathers make this decision, so you can rest assured that next time there is a disaster such as a flood, bin man strike, foot and mouth outbreak, terrorist threat etc etc - this country has an experienced military to cope and deal with it, and not a bunch of young inexperienced lads still wet behind the ears having to cope and manage situations they have never faced before.

Boarding was not alien to our DD having grown up amongst plenty of military children who have boarded. She asked to go. YES she did - off her own back and not because we are shit parents or she was unhappy at home. What she wanted as she told me was a share of the fun others had told her about, as well as knowing her friends would remain the same. We looked into it and off she went for 3 trial sleepovers at different schools. She chose my old school. She has come on leaps and bounds. She is literally bouncing off the walls with passion for life and school. I really cannot express what an amazing and positive experience it has been for her.

I fully acknowledge its not for everyone but please dont bleat on how crap a parent I am because of our choices in lifetyle and family life. Just because you live your life a different way to us, it does not make us awful parents, neglectful parents or parents that love our children any less than you do. I am fully able to accept the way you live your life is right for you and your DC. I am grateful for my ability to have that level of insight as it appears alot of people have real issues accepting anything that is not the norm for them.

I am interested to know how exactly the poster who has so much knowledge on the amount and frequency of abuse at choir schools and other Boarding schools in general knows this? If this is a current thing that you know is going on then I hope you have contacted the right authorities and made moves to ensure the children are no longer at risk. If you are talking about schools from a bygone time, then yes I acknowledge it went on, sadly, but that was in an age when child abuse anywhere was not talked about and not exclusively happening at boarding schools. Abuse does go on today but again not exculsively in boarding schools it can happen anywhere where you leave a child entrusted into anyones care whether that be music lessons, cubs, football coaching, day school etc etc.

I have only dipped in and out, but the fact that those who are in the forces shouldn't have children is one of the silliest comments I have ever seen (out of lots of choice!)

No, I'm not saying I wish I didn't exist. I said that I'd rather my dad hadn't dragged me and my siblings all over the world while he pursued his career ambitions. Is that clear enough?

It's really not that hard to understand. And no, I'm not saying people should be sterilised - don't be so reductionist. Just that maybe people ought to think about what is best for their children when they choose to follow their careers.

course they should not -NOT have children but they should not be excused the slagging offs

Lots of jobs move around-they have to to get promotion-they always have. There are plus points to moving-it isn't allnegative.