To think boarding schools are an expensive version of neglect?

[WriterofDreams]

I don't get boarding schools at all. Especially for young children. I will never forget watching a documentary about 7 year olds being sent to boarding school and the fear and upset the poor girls went through being separated from their families. For what? The mums seemed to think the poor children's suffering was necessary in service of their futures. Surely it's more important for them to grow up in their families and enjoy their siblings? I don't have a huge amount of personal experience of boarding schools so I may be missing something important. I do know however know two adults who were sent to boarding school as young children and consider themselves seriously damaged by it.

Surely it's better for a young child to be raised by people who genuinely love them than by a house mother who may be kind and loving but who essentially is just doing a job? AIBU to see boarding school as a form of high class care system for the wealthy?

You said he had never been to a boarding school - he goes to one very day - it happens to have day pupils as well.

I would not have taught at Eggbuckland - it may have changed by now,- and I taught at Kitto, Ridgeway and Coombe Dean.

ah yes day pupil which is the point of this thread is it not.

I went to Kitto when it was burrington. Did you teach thne?

Nope.

We have moved away from Plymouth now but all the family still live there.

Kitto has police sniffer dogs there all day now..

Rough schools you taught at.

Mmmm, but then I taught at a private school and then one in Cornwall. I have to say I loved teaching at Kitto, I learned a lot, and the Head of Humanities was a guy called Barry Quelch. He was outstanding.

Ridgeway wasn't bad, could have been worse, but Coombe Dean wasn't good.

Didnt know a mr quelch.........could I pm you a couple of old teachers names you may know?

Dont want to take over the thread.

So imagine you love doing something but can't afford either the time or the money to do it. Imagine if someone said they will ensure you have the time to do it and for free? Then imagine by doing that you will develop a skill that will last you your lifetime. That is what being a chorister is about. Singing is a major part of it but so is learning to play two instruments to grade 8 by the time you are 13. Obviously if you hate music then being a chorister wouldn't be for you. I don't see how being a model compares at all.

People often have a view of a boarding school from a documentary or say they know people who are scarred from the experience now that they are adults.

Well, documentaries decide from the beginning how they want to show something. Getting 7 year children looking scared or in floods of tears is 'good TV'. Starting a boarding school at 7 is rare (forces families excluded,) however 11 or 13 is a different matter. My older son is at boarding school, it has been the making of him. Boys need to be kept busy and he is - I would not be able to give him the time that the school invest in him.

It totally depends on the child but please - just because YOU wouldnt consider it it doesnt mean it is not suitable for others.

Boarding has changed dramatically over the last 20 years - there is too much 'judging' going on here. What would happen if I starting judging some of the people on here. Maybe the single mothers? There would be uproar. Just let us make our own decisions for our children please.

Good post above but when you say

''I would not be able to give him the time''

That makes me sad, like you would rather being doing something else.

My husband doesn't see our children very often (a three day weekend every two or three weeks). He's very involved and plans lots to do with them during that time - is he neglectful? Not a bit of it.

He spends a large chunk of time overseas every couple of years (he's due to deploy again at the end of the year) and somehow, he still manages to be a caring and involved father.

Our children are currently too young, but boarding school is a distinct possibility for us if he continues in his chosen profession.

You know, a huge number of stereotypes have been thrown about recently regarding the Forces - that ex-members are psychological timebombs who shouldn't be allowed near a school; that Army wives are all dim; that being separated from your children due to military service has a direct link with autism and now that boarding your children is a form of neglect.

It's simply mind-boggling how prejudiced people are.

I dont mean that how it sounds but in my parents day the mother was often at home and picked up children from school, they were around during school holidays, they didnt work, they were housewives - and I dont mean that in a critical way at all.

Things have moved on and more and more parents work full time, use childcare extensively (and what a shocking price that is!).I just mean that the school gives him access to all those sports and at the same time giving him a great deal of independence. I 100% agree it is not for everyone.

maisiejoe, my DS loves boarding school. There is no way he could spend so much time with friends, play so much sport and make so much music if he was at a local day school (we are "rural"). Last year he spent 42% of nights under our roof (holidays, half terms, exeats, home early after exams). It's hardly as if we never see him. My brother (with a son of same age at a day school) observed that we talk more easily with our DS than he does with his. We have outsourced the "boring bits" (nagging etc)but not the parenting.

It is very obvious that you all are not even prepared to try and see the other side of the story!
There is no point continuing with this as yes will go around in circles, and no matter what I tell you all you won't see or read it or even try to understand! I have explained perfectly politely a very hard and difficult situation in the thought that you were actually interested in circumstances and were prepared to have a grown up conversation.......instead I see that you are just intent on trying to put me down and now as well as neglectful and bad parents I'm also exploiting my child......well I'm sorry I am not bothering with any of this anymore. I am relatively new to this site and thought it would be a place for discussion, a chance to meet a wider group of people to make friendships and offer support.....I did not for one second expect it to be a place where I felt bullied and put down! A simple ok well it works for you I couldn't do it, but thanks for sharing your story and I hope it works out for you! But no it degenerates to name calling and putting people down.

I did not for one second expect it to be a place where I felt bullied and put down!

Welcome to mumsnet, I was shocked too, now I am well in the swing of things. Just say what you feel don't pander to anyone, and the forum will raise a chuckle everyday.

I sent DD1 off to college hundreds of miles from home when she was 18, and she actually never had to lift a finger to do anything but her own laundry. Meals were included in her fees. She rented a room for herself last summer because it was close to her job and never came home at all. After a brief panic when she realised she could cook but couldn't imagine what to buy or how to plan her meals, I sent her instructions and a shopping list. Bingo she was set. Independence accomplished in the space of two days. DS will hopefully head off this autumn and will be in the same position in college, with room and board provided. Both could manage to cook a bit and do their own laundry before they left home. DD1 can now keep all the balls in the air at the same time work/school full time, shop, cook (she entertained er friends a few times during the summer), eat, clean, do laundry. She wouldn't have learned any of that at boarding school. But she did learn it at home and there's no reason why a parent should be doing laundry or taking care of money for an able bodied teenager.

Don't know if students at boarding school are supposed to cook for themselves or do their own laundry, but both of my parents had meals and laundry done for them, and so did my cousins who boarded. They didn't go home at weekends, just at holidays -- mind you that was a while back.

When we talk of independence here, are we talking about 'emotional independence', a reduction of the connection between parents and children as LeQueen suggests? Because I don't think organising your own social life and the other aspects of boarding school life that students have to take care of for themselves constitute taking care of themselves in the physical sense.

Candleshoe and AlbertCamus -- your observations about drugs and drinking ring a bell with me. A friend I went to school with to 15 attended an Irish boarding school in the Dublin area as her parents were abroad, and her stories of the goings on there (and this was way back in the late 70s and early 80s) would have put even the edgy crowd at my school to shame. My cousins emerged without any major addictions from their boarding school but plenty of their classmates fell by the wayside.

BTW WriterofDreams, the boarding schools I mention are all in Ireland. Some Irish families do the boarding school thing through the generations. For my dad's family, it stopped with his brothers and sisters.

I did the 5 am starts and the weekends schlepping children hours in both directions and still do. The DCs have swum, done water polo, badminton and football, and drama too. None of the DCs so far have suffered at all from their early starts. DD1 in particular was an outstanding student. One reason (apart from the thought that she was a bit young to be leaving home) not to send her to the boarding school we were considering was that she wanted to participate in sports at a school that was competitive and the boarding school was essentially for stereotypically geeky and nerdy students, fielding teams that no-one took seriously.

The chorister thing makes me think of Chinese gymnasts. Those little girls are has-beens at a young age. You're not guaranteed a singing voice past puberty if you're a boy. How is it a skill for life? Actually, having seen a friend of DD3's do modelling (print and screen) from about age 6, I think it teaches a lot to children. She is a very self-possessed young lady at age 12, with a lot of confidence.

I'm glad mathanxiety you were able to a) make the time to do the 5am starts and weekend ferrying whilst still having quality time and b) were able to afford to pay for these activities.

That is a very priviliged position to be in, and not one to be high and mighty about, but grateful that you are in that financial position.

You also ignored the learning 2 instruments to Grade 8 that a chorister learns.

As the other proboarders have said you anti-boarders cannot even be bothered to gain an understanding of the other side of the argument so for that reason 'I'm out'.

I would say that playing two instruments to grade 8 standard is a skill for life.

Lucy MN isn't normally like this but this thread has brought out the worst in some posters. Some topics do that and boarding school is one of those. The other one to steer clear of is state v private schools.

My Ds is very good looking so maybe I'll get him to do modelling instead. At least that way he can earn his keep.

Thanks Mollie and receiver
Glad to hear there is more to this site and it is not all as narrow minded as this thread. Will def avoid the state v private and like threads.
I hope that your children fulfil their dreams and hopefully I'll get to meet you Mollie when your son starts x

I don't see what's so repugnant about a child being paid for the work he or she does. I did a lot of acting as a child and if I did a show I got paid for it - anything else would be exploitation.

I could barely afford the activities and haven't been on any sort of holiday for about 10 years as a result. My car is 12 years old. Nothing high and mighty about me, or privileged. I'm a single mother, and I've turned down plenty of things the DCs would have liked to do because I couldn't afford them. I suspect many of those posters who sent their children to boarding school have incomes far in excess of mine.

Everything a boarding school can do and then some can be accomplished at home as far as I can see -- special circumstances like the forces or foreign service aside. My own oldest aunt and uncle were sent back to Ireland to school at 12/13ish as my grandparents were in India and their choices there were limited.

I hate the term 'quality time' -- I'm sure it was coined in some business school. As far as I'm concerned, any and all time spent with my DCs is quality time for me and I hope for them too. I think my dad would feel the same, given what I know of his thoughts on the subject of boarding schools.

I can't believe some of you are now attacking parents for giving their children the opportunity to develop their musical talent! Extraordinary.

I went to boarding school from 11, and loved it. I wasn't "sent" to boarding school, I had a mother who loved me but didn't consider me a possession that had to be by her side at all times. I didn't cry myself to sleep once.

I was a very bright child who won a scholarship to an amazing school - how could my mother have held me back because "she would miss me"?

I had all the love, companionship and emotional support from my friends - who says it can only come from your parents? I didn't have the kind of mother who "cuddled" me or "stroked my hair", but since when is that a prerequisite for a caring parent?

It certainly shaped my character, but in a good way. I would say it smoothed out a lot of the rough edges having to co-exist with others for long stretches. As an adult I have an enduring close relationship with my mum.

I would love my children to have the opportunities that I did. I would never "send" them to boarding school, but if they wanted to go I would support them all the way, and put my own needs aside.

Yes mathanxiety with unlimited funds and without the need to work everything that can be done at boarding school can be done at home. But until the lottery decides it could be me - the only way my children can get to do all the activities they want is at boarding school.

MUST HIDE THREAD - because it will still be ignored.