To think boarding schools are an expensive version of neglect?

[WriterofDreams]

I don't get boarding schools at all. Especially for young children. I will never forget watching a documentary about 7 year olds being sent to boarding school and the fear and upset the poor girls went through being separated from their families. For what? The mums seemed to think the poor children's suffering was necessary in service of their futures. Surely it's more important for them to grow up in their families and enjoy their siblings? I don't have a huge amount of personal experience of boarding schools so I may be missing something important. I do know however know two adults who were sent to boarding school as young children and consider themselves seriously damaged by it.

Surely it's better for a young child to be raised by people who genuinely love them than by a house mother who may be kind and loving but who essentially is just doing a job? AIBU to see boarding school as a form of high class care system for the wealthy?

Nope - never had a shell suit I have to say and I don't wear giant hoops in my ears, have a croydon facelift or nuffink like that.

And I know you weren't Kungfu

Quattrocento - I was wondering about the vino too!

Boosmummie - do what you think is best and don't worry about those who measure themselves against others, rather than by having confidence in their own, personal decisions.

Off to bed now and probably won't come back to this thread - I would like to think it won't get any lower than it has done, but if it does, I think my head might explode!

I would have LOVED boarding school just because of my nature BUT as i had shite parents i would have doubly loved it

some of my kids would love it - some would not - I think over the age of maybe 14 then it's pretty much all good

I know a lot of teens who have really blossomed and their relationship with their parents has flourished because mum can be just mum, not nag - rant and restrain!

I think maybe the nay sayers on here are the ones with younger kids - teen agers are very very different. They need you a lot but it can be done very well - in many different ways!

Thx Lucy I will do. We went to the open day this year although Ds will audition next year when he is in yr 3. I thought the choristers we met were so sparky and enthusiastic and clearly loved what they did.

This is getting absolutely out of hand.
You can't go about judging people you don't know about their lifestyle choices. Have your views but don't tell people they are bad parents when you know knowing about them.

KungFu, thank you again - yeah I did what was best for my children and it just makes me so sad that people have to be so vile just because it's something they wouldn't consider.

Quattro - yep, I thought that too - don't tell the other thread about this!!!

Nota your posts always make me smile.

And MollieO I know we're talking totally different age groups here, but I'm excited for your DS - I hope it all goes well for him.

x posted with you LucyLu so thank you for that too, as I seem to have been the main target for the past half hour!!!

Imollieo it is a wonderful school, and if your son is musical he will love it. Try and go to even song one night.....magical experience
I hope your son gets to follow his dreams, and although others disagree it is the best thing I could of done for my son and he would tell you that himself.

Boosmummie
This has been declining all evening and I think you posted just St the wrong time and they all jumped......you know how much you love your children and that is all ghat matters. Keep smiling x

I see it all got rather heated when I was away.

If you're truly happy with your decisions I don't see why random strangers on the internet would make you cry. Secure people don't get shaken by words on the internet.

Like someone else said, a father who went abroad and left his children with their mother, seeing them only a couple of times a month would be seen as rather neglectful of his parental duties. Why is it better in that case to go abroad and leave them, not with a parent, but in an institution?

Receiver I can see from the justifications that you gave for boarding that you value achievements over personal relationships. That's a very fundamental difference in our viewpoints so I doubt we'll ever see eye to eye.

Lucylu, I know you might not want to answer my questions as I'm on the other side of the argument so ignore them if you'd rather but I'm not familiar with the chorister thing (as I'm Irish) so I was wondering, what age are choristers and what do they do? Is it a job that they're paid for?

I definitely don't see eye to eye with you as you've just branded my DP a neglectful parent. And I'm probably not the only Forces Sweetheart who would be enraged by such comments.

Writer the other way of looking at this is those who choose boarding are extremely secure in their relationship with their dcs and those who keep them at home aren't. I have no doubts at all with the relationship I have with Ds and having him sleeping somewhere else several nights a week won't change that.

You don't have to board to be a cathedral chorister - it depends upon the cathedral. The best cathedral choirs tend to be those that board, of course because the boys do more singing. My DS sings around 8 times a week plus music theory and a couple of instruments. Which is a tremendous amount really.

Don't Mind answering at all.
The choristers at chapel school sing in the chapel, my sons school they sing every night apart from Wednesday and Saturday's and they sing three services on a Sunday!!!!!!! They work very hard and have to love what they do else they just wouldn't be bothered!!
They also are musicians and each one plays two instruments and studies the theory of music too. They perform in concerts around the world and sing for royal occasions. They also record CDs and do tv performances and radio broadcast. Occasionally they sing at wedding on Saturday's although not very often.
They do get paid for certain things, concerts and weddings it is a token amount and they receive a cheque when they leave.
They start at 7 but are probationers learning the ropes and do not have to board until they are fully trained and that is usually about year 5 or 6 they continue untill the end of year 8 or their voices break!!!!!! Which is what they all dread as singing is their life!!!!!!!
Everyone at my sons school considers it an honor to be a chorister and they work very hard and are very committed to what they do!

The school I'm looking at does require boarding from the second term of yr 5. Dcs can board before that if they choose but don't have to. The probationer year doesn't require boarding and they get weekends off. Once they become full choristers they have to be back at school for Sunday morning.

On the contrary Writer, I am secure in my decisions for my children. It was the utter nastiness that threw me. I don't generally get upset by what people say, however when people make vile sweeping statements which were clearly directed at my (ill read) posts, I think plenty would be upset. I didn't choose to move to another country and pack my children off, they came with us and then at secondary the went and boarded. This has been a great success and my children and I have the most wonderfully close relationship to this day.

I wouldn't confuse "insecurity" with annoyance which strikes me as an appropriate response to being branded, or having ones DP branded, as neglectful. Making such sweeping generalisations is ill-judged.

There have been other posters who express more considered views (from differing viewpoints) much more considerately and persuasively.

Word of caution for the choristers - my cousin's husband has been one since a very young age and been a professional since he was an adult (turned down a place at Oxford to continue singing in a hugely prestigious choir). Recently he has had nodules on his vocal chords and has not been able to sing for some time and got fired from said

He has not even got any severance pay - despite being in his late 30s and having been dedicated to this choir for the last 20 years of his life. It's a nice thing to do as a child but for god's sake tell your children not to make a career out of it.

Not sure what happened there - fired from said choir

Really sorry to hear about your DH.

The thing to watch with choristers is that their voice breaks. And if they are spending 15-20 hours a week singing, after their voices break, there is a big gap that needs to be filled.

Thank you for the advice Christine, that is an awful thing to happen.
Thankfully my sons dream is to be a director of music for a choir!! Sure he will always want to sing but it is the composing and directing that he has his heart set on.

Oh it's not my DH, it's my cousin's (although that doesn't make it any better). He sings contralto and I guess made it through that voice-breaking stage pretty well (was long before I met him). But now he's all washed up and it's terribly sad. And this is a very prestigious famous CofE choir he sings in - I'm shocked they could treat anyone so shoddily.

If someone had just invented the concept of boarding school, I wonder how people would react? Strip out the tradition and what do you have - a system for sending children away from their parents. Which is quite odd, really. Am quite prepared to believe, in practice, that it may well work for some families and some children (although I doubt it's a good thing for primary-aged children, unless their families are seriously fucked up). But it is quite a strange idea. And how do you know, in the long term, whether your child will be the sort who is quite robust and can cope with the inevitable disruption to their relationships, or not?

Amongst my friends and acquaintances who have been to boarding school, most of them are opposed and haven't sent their own children. Although there are a handful who are quite happy to have gone and a couple where due to family circumstances it really was the best thing for them.