To think boarding schools are an expensive version of neglect?

[WriterofDreams]

I don't get boarding schools at all. Especially for young children. I will never forget watching a documentary about 7 year olds being sent to boarding school and the fear and upset the poor girls went through being separated from their families. For what? The mums seemed to think the poor children's suffering was necessary in service of their futures. Surely it's more important for them to grow up in their families and enjoy their siblings? I don't have a huge amount of personal experience of boarding schools so I may be missing something important. I do know however know two adults who were sent to boarding school as young children and consider themselves seriously damaged by it.

Surely it's better for a young child to be raised by people who genuinely love them than by a house mother who may be kind and loving but who essentially is just doing a job? AIBU to see boarding school as a form of high class care system for the wealthy?

I know quattrocento...have discussed with my son about his voice going and he will be deverstated! He says that he will have more time to dedicate to music! And at his school if their voice gies early they get the chance to study the organ and other sides of chapel life so think he will throw himself into that!!!!!!!
A lot of parents are happy when voice goes term before common entrance!!!! As not much time left in schedule for revision otherwise!!!!!!

people are v judgy on here
half then teen parents on this thread probably hardly see their teen - either on a screen or out

goodbyemrchips so you disprove of all working mums too?

I said I would not return to the thread for fear of making people cry...[good grief].

Working mums are fine but putting babies into child care no i DO NOT APPROVE.

Babies should be cared for by their parents, and I do not understand why someone would want a baby to place them into child care at 3 months.

Wait until the child goes to school and get a job then preferably to fit in with school and home life.

My child has never been looked after by anybody but myself or OH, itcan be done you just have to give up THE 4 x 4 and the holidays in the Maldives.

But having a smaller car and holidays in Europe are fine by me because it means my son does not need child care.

But this is really another thread.

Don't be fucking absurd - what about people on such a low income that they cannot meet the mortgage for the smallest house they could possibly fit in?

Your husband might be on a high wage, but neither myself nor my ex earned more than £6 per hour until 2007 - and that was the year we split up How the hell are you supposed to entirely run a house and raise a family on £190 a week?

This is my decision we are not on a high wage far from it in fact but we get by.

No need to swear it makes you sound like a teenager.

The question was asked I answered it, I cannot be held responsible for other peoples views.

And I will not pretend my view is different to gain mumsnet friends.

Sorry about having a view.

A job of the parent is too steer the child successfully into adulthood.

Not pay someone else to do it.

And please yes tell us you miss them.

I would miss my child so much it would break my heart.

No nursery school, no part-time childcare, no crèche, no babysitters MrsChips?
Are you really accusing mothers who use childcare of neglect ( that is the word used in the thread title)?

I childmind, sometimes overnight, and I babysit. Younger children have naps at my house. They go to sleep quite happily. Occasionally the child wakes up at night while in my care and they're usually easy enough to settle back down again. Just to reassure those on this thread who are torturing themselves with images of distressed children sobbing for their mothers.

The hypocrisy of the earlier full-time working mother who criticised those who use boarding schools just staggered me and I don't suppose she even saw the irony.

I'm struggling to understand this alleged bonding and quality time that goes on while a child is asleep, you see. Mothers of children in boarding school probably see more of their children actually awake because of the longer holidays.

If Ds is successful and gets in to boarding school I would miss him dreadfully. However I would be reassured in the knowledge that he would be doing something he loved. He is musically gifted and has the most amazing singing voice (not me who discovered this - I assumed all little boys could sing like that until his school told me different!). I think I would be being very selfish indeed if I put my needs and wants above his.

To say I love him less because of this is such utter rubbish it is barely worth commenting on and I wouldn't but it has annoyed me beyond belief and upset others on this thread. Ds was a prem and not expected to survive. To think I could send him off to boarding school without a second thought is stupid.

Do you actually have any idea how ill-informed and smug you sound, MrsChips? If "a smaller car and holidays in Europe" is your idea of compromise in order to live on one wage, then you (or rather your DH) are on a high wage. So you are in the fortunate position of being able to choose to stay at home and be smug at other people instead of working.

I know the parents of DS's boarding (and part boarding) friends well. In no way whatsoever do they love or cherish their DC less than the parents of day pupils. It's just nonsense to suggest it.

IME boarding schools are pretty good at taking care of children these days - after all, it is their business to do so and the people that work in boarding schools are pretty highly qualified and experienced.

Far better a boarding school, surrounded by your friends, that being on your own at home/with an au pair/cleaner while your parents work, which is often the alternative.

Mmmm ... what effect does the separation anxiety cause ... I enjoyed attending my Victorian-style girls' boarding school from 11 - 18, but must admit that other girls sobbed themselves to sleep, and several absconded regularly, one even walking through the countryside in the middle of the night to get to her home in a village eight miles away ... in my case, my father's job overseas meant that it was the only option for continuity and quality of education for me, which, at the age of 11, made perfect sense to me. I was used to travelling, packing, adapting to new environments, and this has helped me enormously in my adult life : for me, any disadvantages were outweighed by the benefits of the excellent education, rigorous routine and enforced communal living, which as a spoilt only child, initially came as a shock to me. When I had my children, I would have found it really difficult to send them to boarding school if I'd had to because yes, I loved cuddling them and being with them, but more to the point, like it or not, at all ages you NEED to know what they are getting up to. Whether people want to admit it or not, many boarding schools now are drug-ridden (I know I'll be flamed for this, but it is a matter of absolute fact in my area) and much too liberal / child-centered, with the resultant negative effect on the children. Now my three DC are safely in their 20s I can honestly say that I'm grateful they went to the (excellent) school in our small town and came home every day to the same house, same routine ... yes, they grassed each other up on all sorts of things, but if I'd been miles away, or overseas, I'd have had a much lower chance of knowing what they were getting into. Now I teach teenagers, I realise that in so many ways, the older they get, the more you need to be with them, even if they don't seem to want you around !

At my very posh boarding school I smoked, drank to excess, had underage sex and regularly scarpered out to visit my boyfriend in a neighbouring town. I hope that when my own DD reaches 13 I'll NOT let her do those things! Taechers cannot possibly control that many kids as effectively as you can control your own at home.

teachers

Thanks for the info Lucylu. I have to say I find it a bit odd that children have to give up their home life to do quite a tough job that they are not fairly paid for. I suppose being Irish I just don't get the tradition side of it. It seems like you're suffering quite a lot for your son to be a chorister so clearly you consider it worthwhile and if your DS enjoys it then great, but who gave him the idea to go there in the first place?

Doesn't any argument 'for' boarding school ignore decades of research into child development that has been informing all other areas of child-care (fostering, adoption, hospitalisation etc)?
'Attachment theory' maintains that a mother's availability is what creates security for the child.
And the more secure a child, the more they'll adventure out into the world of their own accord.

Somehow, this general knowledge gets drowned out by ideas of privilege and academic advantages. There seems to be a refusal, by some, to reoognise children suffer when access to home is denied. Especially when there's no surrogate mum to turn to - matrons and teachers don't love and cuddle.

"matrons and teachers don't love and cuddle"

My observations would suggest otherwise.

Writer.....yes it is a very tough but as I said he loves what he does and sees it no different to a child that is a fantastic swimmer and competing and needs to practise everyday before school. The payment is not an issue for him he would do it for nothing it is an honour and he feels truly blessed to be involved.
He was at the school as a day pupil and he always watched the choristers with awe! And had an amazing voice himself so begged and begged to be allowed to audition to become a chorister!!! I spent a year saying no and not allowing it as thought was a phase and I was not going to let him go and board and put my whole family through that trauma for him to be board of the idea in 6 months time!!!!!!
He persited got teachers to talk to me.....sang and sang at home and told me how this was all he wanted to do!!!! He knew he would have to board but he didn't care his need to sing was so much stronger!!!!!!
I finally let him audition and he passed and was offered a place!!!! I miss him sooooo much you will never bf able to understand unless you go through it! No matter how much you think you will miss your child it is a hundred times worse!!!!! However I see my son singing and the smile on his face and the passion in his eyes and my suffering doesn't come into it!!!!
The fact I let him go is the best thing I could of given him, and I honestly feel that he would of resented me if I hadn't allowed him the remarkable opportunity to sing where he wants to be singing in one of the best choirs in the country!!!!!
To of stopped him from doing what he loved because I wanted him at home, would not of been fair to him........so in the end I loved him enough to let him follow his dreams.
My situation was never about not wanting to care for my child or not wanted him at home.....I still have my daughter at home she doesn't board! But it was about a child doing what he wanted and needed to do!!!!
Yes it is hard! Yes I miss him so much, did I make the right choice I think I did! Would I do it again in the same situation.....yes I would

The most crucial thing where my children are concerned is my put their wants and ambitions over my personal need.

A loving secure family environment they have at home, and are fully aware of that, therefore I do not need them to go to BS to have that opportunity.

However, I do not have an indoor swimming pool to allow the 30 hours of training to take place a week without 5am starts, I do not have an indoor gymnasium to allow the 30 hours of training to take place a week without missing out on weekends. I am not musically trained to offer tuition in all the instruments my children choose to play.

I could of spent my children's childhood saying, no you can't do the swimming training, no you can't do the gymnastics training, no you can't do music lessons.

But instead we chose the route of if you would like to do this, this is the options available to you, what would you like to do.

Not what we as parents want, but what the children want.

Therefore writer lequeen mrschips Lucylu5 and I (and in the future MollieO) are alot more focused on our children than you will ever be. Because the childrens wants are put before the parents wants!

I put ds into childcare from 6 months for 3 days a week from 0800 to 1800, so I could have two full days off with him plus the weekend. Thus, according to Chips, I am a bad mother. How does she feel about those on low incomes who get child tax credits for child care and have to go back, as otherwise they can't eat? Are they bad mothers too?

'i stand by my point that in other circumstances a parent only seeing their child once a month and choosing to live in another country would be seen as neglectful' .My dh is a neglectful father then. For the sake of ds's stability (and my career) he worked abroad for two years and we only saw him every six weeks as there was no way to fly to where we lived, so it was train, or ferry and car. 12 hours each way, whichever way one travelled. He is even worse in that he went to sea or away on exercise, and worked away in London and we only saw him at weekends - bad, bad, bad. He couldn't see ds every night. Call Social Services.

Fgs, I have never read anything so pathetic as some of the anti boarding rhetoric on here. Just because you wouldn't do it, does not mean you have the right to slate someone else's parenting, or suggest they change their entire way of life and hard won career because their child may at some stage board. You cannot know all the ins and outs of why someone would choose to send their child to boarding school; people in the Foreign Office and the military are often sent to serve in some unsavoury places that you might take your wife to, but you wouldn't take your kids. It is also very hard to sustain 6 weeking for along period of time.

I think those of the anti brigade have evidently not set foot recently in a boarding school and have no idea that many of the house staff will be parents themselves and are very aware of what children need. Teachers (in case you lot hadn't noticed) are people, and some of us have children of our own, so our automatic response to a distressed child is going to be to comfort them.

The anti brigade are also presumably in support of those high flying mums who engage a nanny, leave the house at o'crack sparrow and return very late so don't see the kids awake, but as they are under the same roof that's OK?