To think boarding schools are an expensive version of neglect?

[WriterofDreams]

I don't get boarding schools at all. Especially for young children. I will never forget watching a documentary about 7 year olds being sent to boarding school and the fear and upset the poor girls went through being separated from their families. For what? The mums seemed to think the poor children's suffering was necessary in service of their futures. Surely it's more important for them to grow up in their families and enjoy their siblings? I don't have a huge amount of personal experience of boarding schools so I may be missing something important. I do know however know two adults who were sent to boarding school as young children and consider themselves seriously damaged by it.

Surely it's better for a young child to be raised by people who genuinely love them than by a house mother who may be kind and loving but who essentially is just doing a job? AIBU to see boarding school as a form of high class care system for the wealthy?

I think that parents do what is right for their child. The choice was a hard one for me and yes I do still cry when I drop him off and he just gives me a hugs and says oh come on now mum I'll see you Friday.
I made the choice that was right for my child.....not anyone else's. I do miss out on cuddles at bedtime, but I miss out (he doesn't feel he misses out!) he has the life he wants and experiences things he wants to......he sings all the time and plays his instrument......has the best teachers for music and singing for the queen, he lives in a castle and truly loves every second, and yes their are children who don't have thd wonderful experience that he is having and hate boarding but for my child I know I have done the right thing.
If you take anything away from this please try and understand that not all children go to boarding school because their parents don't want to look after them or don't care what happens to them! Not all parents send them without a lot of thought and consideration......infact some parents do it because that is what will make their child happy and what thd child needs.
We all have different views on life and what works for one doesn't for the next. At the end of the day I have 2 very happy children one who boards one who doesn't, they are both as equally loved and cared for.

ds went to a prep in UK which was mixed day and boarding. Had he stayed there he would have boarded from 11 (year 7-8) so he was used to it if he went on to board at secondary.

I went to a state sixth form with boarding and had the best two years of my life, and will be trying to get ds in there as the boarding is for Forces/Dip kids.

Dh boarded from 9. His school was up the road from his parents, and he was a day boy, but he felt he was missing out on too much by not being a boarder. He boarded through to 18 (at another school after prep) and went off to Uni. He is a fully rounded human being and I haven't noticed any emotional stunting from him (except he doesn't buy me diamonds often enough!!!).

How many primary/prep age children are boarding though?

Several did at his school, but I wouldn't have let him until 10.

Several of our friends board their children and the reports we hear )from the children themselves) are largely positive. So postive in some cases that we would consider sending our three to the schools mentioned (we know a few Dukies and have been very impressed by what they've said about the school) shopuld the need arise.

LeQueen - just to say i think your comments are fab and you articulate your thoughts/comments (and mine too!) well !- you speak for many i think :)

Not read all this, but YANBU. I think boarding school is fine from about 14 onwards.

I'd say your children must be the only ones in the world who never had nightmares or got scared in the night receiver. The fact that you think it's abnormal for children to have vivid and sometimes scary dreams shows how much you have missed.

Ok wiki not exactly the greatest enclyopadeia in the land, but don't have time to do extensive research

Night terrors - affect 2-6 year olds (my children most certainly were at home at this age), 15% affected. So the fact that my children falls into the other 85% makes them on the more 'normal' range.

Nightmares - www.handsonscotland.co.uk/topics/sleep/nightmares.html affect 25-30% 5-12 year olds again feel happy that my children fall in to the 70-75%.

Just checked with my teenagers who I speak to, no they have never woken to nightmares, they are not aware of having nightmares.

writerofdreams...I cannot find the post you are referring to but my son [9] has never had nitemares or vivid or scary dreams.

I went to a boarding school from the age of 6-16. At the time I didn't realise I was staying there and it was a bit of a shock as I had thought I was staying a few nights as a visitor. I hated the junior school and tried to run away several times. HOWEVER. Largely I didn't like boarding because I was too young, in my opinion, and had never been taught to use conditioner, for example and had no idea what D&G or Chanel were and so was mocked. In hindsight what was going on at home was a lot worse, and although I didn't admit it at the time I was worried about my mother being alone (parent's had divorced a year or so previously) and wanted to be home with her. I can see as an adult I would have had a horrible time at home (my mother was an alcoholic and my father can still barely boil an egg) and it was the best option for me.

I don't think I would choose to send my child to boarding school as you never do get the 1-1 love and attention as you would at home and I did always feel my parents didn't know me very well. Obviously this probably depends on the parent but if you are only seeing your child every other weekend it can be hard to bond.

Senior school however was completely different. I loved having all of my friends around, the extra activities and am sure I wouldn't have done prep if we hadn't had it scheduled in (this was proven when I left the school and failed to do homework for A'Levels!) and got such good grades. Many girls chose to stay the night and parents of day girls often did allow them to stay nights and a friend even became a weekly boarder for a term even though she lived a few miles away. You do learn how to share, good manners, communication and responsibility. However I have to say I would rather have a close family who understood me better, but then that might never have happened regardless!

Mr chips has your son never woken up in the night looking for you?

No never...........goes bed goes to sleep wakes up in the morning.

Oh sorry except when he has been poorly.

But never had a bad dream.

Writerofdreams I've just read further on that site I linked to, it's got very good suggestions of what to do if you have a child that suffers night terrors/mares, you may wish to take the time to read it, if your child suffers from them.

If you read my post I've said most children have nightmares or wake up scared in the night at some stage. Sometimes they wake up sick as you mentioned Mr chips. But whatever the situation surely a parent is the person the child wants?

BTW receiver, I never mentioned night terrors - they're quite a rare thing. The website says 20-30% suffer regular nightmares - the odd one now and again is perfectly normal and nothing to worry about. They're easily soothed by a loving parent

WriterofDreams - I'm not saying it is abnormal to have nightmares, I am just saying that not all children have nightmares.

Now my children where sleep is concerned are very unusual because they are all excellent sleepers and since 6 weeks old have slept for 12 hours straight. Now I know this is unusual, but it is the case. There have been many times, where I've stood checking that they are alright, to hear them gently snoring and sparko and 9am in the morning. This is the envy of my friends.

So one thing I am very confident on is, that sleeping anywhere, and especially under their own duvet in their familiar surroundings at boarding school or home, is not an issue. And yes, if they should wake up in the middle of the night, I would want to know about it, and I am confident that they/schoool would comment on this to me, as it would just be so out of character.

But that is a thing with my children.

I know friends' children at 13/14 years old cannot go for sleepovers due to a range of reasons, panic attacks, bed wetting, sleep walking etc. Would I recommend their child going to boarding school no, but nor would I recommend that they go on a regular school trip which they do not do.

It works for some families. DS is a day pupil at a majority-boarding school (boarding Years 4-8). Most of the Y4 boarders are part-boarders (1-3 nights/week) who would otherwise have long journeys after a very long school day (55 hours/week). Almost all seem to thrive on it. One little girl always seems sad and is always looking for any sight of her Mummy at parents events/ concerts /home time on non-boarding nights or exeats. However, having known this girl when she was in Y2-3 she has always been slightly 'odd'/unhappy - I don't know if it is the wrong school for her, or if there are other issues, but I don't honestly think it is boarding that is the issue. The fact that the percentage of boarders grows as they go up the school suggests that the children largely choose it for themselves. DS may well want to, but given that we live fairly close, and boarding does cost more, I don't think it will happen. I had always maintained that I didn't want my DC to board at all (I was given the choice and emphatically chose not to at 12) but as that time grows closer, I am more inclined to think that we will choose (with them) the right school for them as individuals and if that involves boarding, so be it.

My son had his gap year teaching in boarding school in NZ and at the end of one term the head had to phone one 6 year old parents to collect their ds and they asked why? they lived 20 mins away. I also have a friend who is ped. cons phsyciatrist and says boarding schools are social services for the rich!!!

cjel if I got a phone call from the school day/boarding saying 'Come and collect Johnny'

My response would be 'Why?'

i went to boarding school on and off from 8. i loved it and think fondly of my time there often and am v close with school friends. i am also v close to my dm who sent me.

horses for courses innit

How nice. A child at home wakes up and he/she gets a cuddle from a loving parent. A child at boarding school wakes up and gets whoever happens to be on (or perhaps no one, depending) and a comment sent home. How reassuring. There is no way on god's green earth that your children didn't wake up at some stage receiver. For your own peace of mind you might insist that they didn't but you know it's not true.

I boarded from a young age 8 or 9. Loved every minute of it, but having said that on a previous boarding bashing thread I was accused of not knowing my own mind because I am apparently mentally screwed up and I have apparently been brainwashed into believing it was a good and positive experience for me

Please don't call me a liar.

Children are very different, and I would not say that because my child does/not do something, that there is no way that this can be the case for another child.