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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think boarding schools are an expensive version of neglect?

1001 replies

WriterofDreams · 13/03/2011 23:06

I don't get boarding schools at all. Especially for young children. I will never forget watching a documentary about 7 year olds being sent to boarding school and the fear and upset the poor girls went through being separated from their families. For what? The mums seemed to think the poor children's suffering was necessary in service of their futures. Surely it's more important for them to grow up in their families and enjoy their siblings? I don't have a huge amount of personal experience of boarding schools so I may be missing something important. I do know however know two adults who were sent to boarding school as young children and consider themselves seriously damaged by it.

Surely it's better for a young child to be raised by people who genuinely love them than by a house mother who may be kind and loving but who essentially is just doing a job? AIBU to see boarding school as a form of high class care system for the wealthy?

OP posts:
JoeyCroc · 15/03/2011 13:53

Doing laundry etc... is part of having children and living in a household generally. I helped with chores when I was a child, I got my stuff ready so that we weren't rushing (too much!) in the morning. It didn't detract from time with my parents. A hectic life isn't always a bad thing.

Everyone, child or adult has nightmares/scary dreams from time to time. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong when they are awake.

receiverofopiniongiver · 15/03/2011 13:54

Okay shoot me my children even as toddlers didn't have a bath every night.

Okay up until the age of 7/8 they never had a night terror, all the nights that they sleep at home they have never had a night terror. I can't imagine something that is haunting you enough to wake you in your sleep is something that only happens on certain days.

Funny enough my children don't only get cuddled going to bed, actually I would say that's the least occassion that they do get cuddled. They get cuddled during a film, they get cuddled whilst out and about. I don't only need a bed to cuddle my children.

Loie159 · 15/03/2011 13:54

I went to boarding school from 12 - end of A levels and I hated it. My school was very very strict, old fashioned and most staff were deeply uncompassionate. My parents lived half way around the world away and even as a teenager I felt lost.... Now dont get me wrong there was lots of fun but that normally involved rule breaking! and I met some lovely people who I am still friends with almost 20 years later....But I hated my parents for sending me and ever time I saw them I begged them not to send me back. I do think it did make me independent in some ways but then it was tough during holidays to go bakc to a "normal" family environment with younger siblings.... I would rather pull my own eyes out than send my children to boarding school.

However the school was changed quite dramatically and new teachers were installed in the boarding house after I left and my younger sister went a few years after I left and had a great time. so YABU to generalise that all children will feel negelected. However I think it very strongly depends on the character of the child and the type of school they go to. when I went private schools werent inspected by Ofsted and so there was very little control over what the teacher could / did do....

receiverofopiniongiver · 15/03/2011 13:55

Oh for crying out loud LeQueen if my child is ill, I get in the car and go to the school.

The same way as if your child was ill at school you would go and collect them!

receiverofopiniongiver · 15/03/2011 13:58

But Loie159 wouldn't you say that was the case for all schools.

If I started a post saying 'parents who send their kids to comps are neglectful', there would be ex-students who would come and say, 'i went to an awful school there was x going on, i felt for my life every day, i hated my parents for putting me through that, and not moving to a better/different school'.

LeQueen · 15/03/2011 13:59

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Shineynewthings · 15/03/2011 13:59

So what if a child is very bright and able but happens to be growing up in a really deprived area, where the schools are all shite, and has parents who try their hardest to provide extra curricular activities and tutors, but can't manage it all indefinitely? If that child wins a scholorship to a prestigious BS that will provide them with an education and extra curricular activities is that a bad choice then?

I live in a n area just like the above. With all the local gang violence I sometimes envy the parents who can afford to send their children away to boarding school.

But think 7 is to young.

Oh and drugs are everywhere not just boarding school.

twinmumplus1inthetum · 15/03/2011 14:00

I boarded from 11 - after begging to be allowed to board - I felt I was missing out on all the fun by being a day girl at my school.
My brothers boarded from 9. We all loved it. Didn't feel remotely neglected. I suppose for us the element of choice was important, I think if we hadn't enjoyed it my parents would have found day schools for us.
I think it really depends on the child. And it would be neglectful to send a child who didn't want to go.

Shineynewthings · 15/03/2011 14:00

too young urgh

JoeyCroc · 15/03/2011 14:01

But those parents who live abroad or far from the school can't get in the car and go to school if their child is ill?

LeQueen · 15/03/2011 14:01

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Lucylu5 · 15/03/2011 14:02

I think it is very unfair to say that the child is sat there feeling they are suffering in silence and feeling unloved.
Like I said my son goes because he wants too I have a daughter at home who goes to same school but does not board because she would does not want to (or need too....to be a chorister he has too)
My son is a very confident happy child I think that if he was that depressed it would be noticed......he gets ready to go back to school excited and happy......he comes home happy and spends time at home happy cheerful. I am sure there are hundreds of children that live St home who are not as happy as him. He could quit at anytime no one would make him stay.
I go to school every second I can to see him.....I watch him sing at least 4 times a week so I can spend a few minutes with him afterwards.
He does what he loves the main person I see suffering in silence is me, but I allow him to do it because I love him

swallowedAfly · 15/03/2011 14:03

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StealthPolarBear · 15/03/2011 14:03

"They're up at 7am, in breakfast club by 8am, off to after school club/child minder til 6.30pm, home by nearly 7pm and in bed by 8pm."

Well DS will be like this (maybe not quite as extreme) when he starts school, he will be just under 4 1/2

However, he will be either in bed with us from 5 or up at 6 so I will chat to him while we get dressed. I will be taking him to breakfast club and dropping him off. I will be collecting him from the childminder and hearing about his day. I will be giving him his tea, bath, reading him a story, maybe snuggling up as he goes to sleep. Checking on him as I go to bed. As LeQueen says, there is he has a nightmare, nosebleed or feels sick in the night. I'll (or DH or possibly grandparents) will be taking days off to look after him when he's ill.
Not ideal, I admit, but the difference between this and boarding is I will see, speak to and cuddle him every day.

swallowedAfly · 15/03/2011 14:04

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allbie · 15/03/2011 14:12

I went away to school and it made me very independent...with just about every aspect of my life, particularly emotions!!! Oh, the joy of your birthday cards and pressies arriving late; having to be a bigger bully to protect myself from the real bullies; housestaff who considered you only as their job...I could go on and on. A truly fab experience.

MarshaBrady · 15/03/2011 14:19

Ok here are some of my good memories...

A secret midnight feast on last day of term. Giggling and laughing with friends.

Getting the good food as the oldest, sitting with friends at dinner.

Everyone doing prep and being studious.

Being old enough to cheat on the Exeat form and staying with friends for the weekend. (parents would sign)

Again, teenage only. At age three, well that is abandonment really. And at 7/8 no way. But teenage it can be fun..

Just want to balance some of the bad stuff (although am sorry people had a crap time).

swallowedAfly · 15/03/2011 14:20

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Lucylu5 · 15/03/2011 14:25

Parents are not there at school at morning break when there child has a row with their friend at school and is crying!
If my son is upset at school from something that has happened he calls me after school and I'm there. Just as for my daughter if she tells me something after school at home.
He is not shut off in some locked building with no contact to the outside world or me......we have a loving relationship and he knows I will drop anything and everything if he needs me.

TandB · 15/03/2011 14:28

There seem to be two very polarised approaches to issues like this. There are those who don't like the idea of something, but are willing to recognise that it is something for every family to decide for themselves as they are the only ones in full possession of all the facts and emotions and knowledge of their own family and circumstances and, most importantly, their own child. These people are able to say 'not for me, don't like the idea because I think x, y and z".

Then there are people who are entirely unable to accept that their own personal circumstances and choices might not be right for others, that what would be detrimental to their own child and their own family, might be just perfect for another child and their family, and that what makes their family work well might be entirely unsuited to others. These are the people who tend to make sweeping generalisations, and who are happy to tell others that decisions they have made are harmful to their children, even when they have, by their own admission, no experience whatsoever of a particular situation.

I think some people are willing to concede that their parenting choices are subjective - perfect for them, or the best possible for them. Others, i think, feel that in order for them to be confident that their choices are perfect per se, they have to have other worse parenting decisions to compare themselves to.

This thread is a classic example. Not every child who goes to boarding school is neglected. Not every child who goes to boarding school has a poor bond with their family. Not every child who goes to boarding school regrets it. You don't have to agree with it. You don't have to encourage it. But I find it strange that some posters are unwilling to make the slightest acknowledgement of the fact that people have reported positive experiences.

Do what is best for your family. Try to get it as close to right as you can. And let others do the same.

FellatioNelson · 15/03/2011 14:28

My DH boarded termly from the age of 9 and only saw his parents in the Summer. Easter and Christmas holidays as they worked abroad. We are currently considering an invitation to work abroad, and the subject of boarding school has come up. Although my DH thinks it would be great for my son who will be in sixth form he wouldn't even consider it for a second for our 11 year old. That tells you something.

swallowedAfly · 15/03/2011 14:29

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LeQueen · 15/03/2011 14:29

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swallowedAfly · 15/03/2011 14:30

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Quattrocento · 15/03/2011 14:31

Boarding schools for older children are for the vast majority, a huge source of fun. Teenagers go through a period of distancing themselves from their parents. They don't want their parents stroking their hair. They want to be gelling/straightening/dying/curling their hair with their friends.

Trust me, for lots of teenagers, boarding school is fun. Huge amounts of fun. You have to watch for the sex and drugs and eating disorders, but there's plenty of that everywhere.

I personally wouldn't (and haven't) sent my DCs to boarding school at primary age, because I felt they needed me. At sixth form though, I'm planning to send them both boarding as a form of transition to leaving home and going to university.

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