Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about my (almost) 15 year olds boyfriend!

118 replies

TAG30 · 13/03/2011 21:12

Ive never needed advice more than i do right now...
My 14 soon to be 15 year old daughter has her first serious boyfriend. He has been over a couple of times in the past week whilst my husband has been away but im at work tomorrow and my daughter has asked if he can come round whilst i am not here. My DH is completely against him coming round at all during the week which is another argument all together and has said he is not to be here when we are not. I do sort of agree but think that half hour or so in the interim is fine..he doesnt.
We are arguing so much over this at the moment and i cant help feel he doesnt even think about what she wants or consider her feelings but just lays the law down as to what he thinks it 'proper'. I dont want to alienate her but i also want to be a responsible parent and give her boundaries. I havent had a teen before and there is no manual! Any advice gratefully accepted

OP posts:
hairylights · 13/03/2011 21:14

Personally I wouldn't encourage time alone at home together for a while. Not til they are a bit older/relationship is a bit older.

squeakytoy · 13/03/2011 21:14

I would ban them from going in her bedroom. But other than that, you cant really stop her having him at the house. Well, you could, but if they are going to get up to anything, they can get up to it anywhere else too.... banning him from the house wont stop that!

Hardandsleazy · 13/03/2011 21:18

Banning from bedroom means nothing if you are not there to enforce it (and as squeaky says is no guarantee ) . Can you say no visits when you arent there and week visits limited to half an hour unless it's school Holidays?

Bitter experience of d sis an dss shows coming down too hard tends to produce worse behaviour and prolong relationship as there is nothing a teen likes more than to feel misunderstood

Hardandsleazy · 13/03/2011 21:19

And if you aren't there she can see hi, for half an hour just not in the house

Hardandsleazy · 13/03/2011 21:19

Also would relax rule on home alone if longer relationship

Booandpops · 13/03/2011 21:19

Hmmmm tricky. My kids are primary so not done that yet BUT when I was a teen the fact my parents were in didn't stop me getting up to mischieve in my bedroom. I was probably more worried if they were out in case they came back and didn't hear them.
Not much help there but my point is if they want to do stuff they will so maybe a Frank chat with dd saying your door is always open for advise etc is a good idea. Good luck. I'm dreading this stage already!!!

squeakytoy · 13/03/2011 21:21

I think the bedroom bit is sensible though. If they are downstairs, the temptation isnt as great, nor is the privacy.

I was allowed boyfriends in the house, but downstairs only.

If you are at work, and she knows the house is empty, then chances are she may sneak him in anyway. Better that she can do it with your knowledge than be tempted to lie or go behind your back.

The more you treat her as the young adult she is, the more likely she is to respect your rules and respect you.

strandedpolarbear · 13/03/2011 21:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
TAG30 · 13/03/2011 21:25

thank you all i really appreciate another opinion. Its so hard to know what to do for the best. Im stuck between the devil and the deep blue at the moment it seems. I think its reasonable to say no more than twice a week during the school week whilst we are there. DH thinks only at weekends but i think thats a bit harsh. I also agree about the bedroom thing though i have said she can go in her room as long as door is open at all times. My 5 year old is my best weapon at the moment :)
I think ive had it easy until now and all of a sudden this situation has hit me. I truly am out of my comfort zone.

OP posts:
Tortington · 13/03/2011 21:26

you mustn't make this about trusting her or about sex.

i wouldn't allow him in - becuase i don't know him - sure he might be lovely, but you don't want to put him in a position of being accused if anything goes missing - not until you truly know what a nice lad he is Wink see how i couched that!

the other thing is - get her on the pill and talk to her about whwere the nearest family planning clinic is.

also tell her that she can go to the doctors and they wont tell you if she asks about contraception on her own.

also tell her that the doctors probably has a nurse who is willing to speak to them about these things - it might be worth you phoning and asking. ours had a wondeful nurse who showed how to put a condom on etc.

im sure she will remain a virgin til her wedding day Wink as your daughter would - bet shes a good girl and everything Grin but its part of your parently duties imo and its a talk that must be done.

Mumbybumby · 13/03/2011 21:26

Could you tell her you'd like to wait until her dad is back before you agree to something like that as you need to discuss it properly first (with him, then the 3 of you)?
I think it's great she asked you as she could easily have gone behind your back if you and your DH aren't around tomorrow. Can you convey this to DH and get him to agree to a compromise?

Terraviva · 13/03/2011 21:27

Well for what it's worth, in hindsight I wish my mum had been a lot more strict about that sort of thing when I was that age. Girls that age, in my opinion, need a bit of protecting - often from themselves!! As Squeaky says, if they're going to get up to anything they're going to do it anywhere - but that's no reason to basically give them the green light to do it in your house!

I'm speaking from personal experience, so it might not be appropriate to your situation, but I wish my parents had set more boundaries. Even if I'd have been mad about it at the time, it would have made me feel a whole lot more cared for and I would have valued myself & my body higher as a result.

Original poster
TAG30 · 13/03/2011 21:30

ah! just read the rest of the messages!
Its so hard and its just crept up on me! I know what i was like at her age but i did have far too much freedom so perhaps that should tell me something. I had her at 16 so am so worried that she will make the same mistakes i did.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 13/03/2011 21:33

Whilst I appreciate that you have to be sensible (and my first boyfriend's kid sister made a fantastic chaperone Blush),but isn't putting her on the pill when she's just started going out with her first boyfriend a tad premature? She'd be scared to death I would think!
Have a chat by all means, but I think dragging her off down the FPClinic a step too far just yet.

squeakytoy · 13/03/2011 21:37

The pill doesnt protect from std's. I would be hammering out the importance of condoms.

worraliberty · 13/03/2011 21:37

How long have they been together?

Original poster
TAG30 · 13/03/2011 21:38

Terraviva - i know exactly what you mean. Which is why im so worried about getting it right. People at work think im being uptight but i know how it goes and how in an instant you can change the course of your life.

Custardo - that is scary!

Im home about 15 minutes after she gets home normally so im nearly always about except when taking the other dd swimming or walking dog etc.
I think i needed to get it straight in my own head before taking on the DH Hmm

OP posts:
hairylights · 13/03/2011 21:38

"the other thing is - get her on the pill "

Nooooooo!! Sex may actually not be on the agenda yet.

TALK to her don't just bang her on the pill whether she needs to be or not!

zukiecat · 13/03/2011 21:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
TAG30 · 13/03/2011 21:40

theyve only been together a few weeks. I dont think the pill is the way to go just yet. She seems to be honest enough and i have asked if he is a virgin which she says he is. He is in the year above her and had a girlfriend before so i had to ask. But....... i lied through my teeth to my mum who thought i was an angel so what if im being completely naive!

OP posts:
hairylights · 13/03/2011 21:40

And most importantly listen to her. When I was that age I remember my parents making all sorts of assumptions ... They talked to me and talked to me about sex and contraception... but they didn't listen ...nd they were barking up totally the wrong tree.

NonnoMum · 13/03/2011 21:42

I think putting her on the pill would petrify her (depending on how she has been brought up) and would make her think that she is expected to start being sexually active.

She needs to be empowered as how to NOT have sex but how to have a fulfilling early relationship with boundaries.

She might be quite pleased (secretly) about strict boundaries, as then that will give her something to moan about with her boyfriend.

Original poster
TAG30 · 13/03/2011 21:42

thanks Zukiecat at least i know im not the strictest mum to ever live. Grin

OP posts:
JemAndTheHolograms · 13/03/2011 21:44

I'll be honest in that I think I agree with your DH TBH. I don't think he should be coming around at all and I they certainly shouldn't be in the bedroom even with the door open. SHe's only (nearly) 15.

DSD is 18 and DH still won't let her boyfriend upstairs in her bedroom or have him stay over. Obviously she can go to his etc as she's an adult but his view is not in my house. Although I don't really agree with him on this as I think she's an adult, and I have been known to allow him up there when he's in work.Blush

QuickLookBusy · 13/03/2011 21:45

Agree with Nanny.

I think yes, have a talk with her but you really shouldn't asume that she is going to have sex, just because she has a boyfriend at 14.

I have 2 dds 17 and 20, we always talked about sex, but I really rammed home the importance of condoms and about only having sex with someone you really wanted to have sex with. Every child is different but mine were nowhere near ready for sex at 14.