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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about my (almost) 15 year olds boyfriend!

118 replies

TAG30 · 13/03/2011 21:12

Ive never needed advice more than i do right now...
My 14 soon to be 15 year old daughter has her first serious boyfriend. He has been over a couple of times in the past week whilst my husband has been away but im at work tomorrow and my daughter has asked if he can come round whilst i am not here. My DH is completely against him coming round at all during the week which is another argument all together and has said he is not to be here when we are not. I do sort of agree but think that half hour or so in the interim is fine..he doesnt.
We are arguing so much over this at the moment and i cant help feel he doesnt even think about what she wants or consider her feelings but just lays the law down as to what he thinks it 'proper'. I dont want to alienate her but i also want to be a responsible parent and give her boundaries. I havent had a teen before and there is no manual! Any advice gratefully accepted

OP posts:
QuickLookBusy · 13/03/2011 22:37

Zukie, it sounds like you have done a fantastic job with your girls. I bet you are very proud.Smile

zukiecat · 13/03/2011 22:38

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exoticfruits · 13/03/2011 22:39

There seem to be two extremes here! Put her on the pill-a reaction that would have terrified me at 14yrs-to don't let her have a boyfriend.

It just needs a bit of common sense. Talk to her, explain that you would like to get to know him a bit better before they have the house to themselves. Have him around a lot while you are there. I agree with colditz-if someone makes a statement you are allowed to comment. I find it extraordinary that she wouldn't go to an 18yr old party because there would be alcohol! Of course there would-anyone over 18 is an adult! She doesn't have to drink it. Lots of 18yr olds are not into drinking, but they should be able to cope in a situation where drink is available and able to say no to it without a problem. What will she do when at university or away from home?

BeerTricksPotter · 13/03/2011 22:40

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zukiecat · 13/03/2011 22:41

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HalfPastWine · 13/03/2011 22:41

It's so nice to read such lovely advice to the OP. We had this particular discussion in the office a few days ago and the majority of people felt it was ok to let 13 an 14yr olds go up to the bedroom and get on with it.
I was MORTIFIED, I was never brought up that way and would never ever condone that with children of that age!

musicposy · 13/03/2011 22:44

My DD is a Year 10 15 (I'm guessing your 14 yr old is same school year, OP) and I have to say, I'd say no. Boyfriend issues are on the horizon for us too.

I remember that as a teen, I moaned and made an awful fuss about what I wasn't allowed to do, but I actually wish my mum had been a bit stricter at times. Sometimes I ended up out of my depth when my mum hadn't said no and I didn't have the experience or courage to do so myself.

I'd be saying no and making it clear that it's not because I don't trust DD in any way, but because I am protecting her from being in a situation she might not be able to handle.

If she later goes and handles it behind the bike sheds, well at least she won't look back and think I could have protected her. Wink

lovingthesun · 13/03/2011 22:49

Fwiw I lost my virginity on the lounge carpet, so don't anyone think not letting go to the bedroom is going to prevent this !

I would continue to say no to being in the house alone, but invite him over & get to know him...might just fizzled out in a couple weeks.

Zukie, your girls sound lovely Smile

QuickLookBusy · 13/03/2011 22:50

My 2 are now 17 and 20 so I have been through that difficult stage.

I really do think that the ages 13-15 is so important. Having observed DDs friends, the parents who were fairly strict have kids who are well rounded, study/work hard and have few serious problems. The ones who were given too much choice at that age went through a period of going wild-smoking/failing exams/roaming the streets at all times of the night because of lack of effort etc.

I know this is only my experience but I really don't regret being quite strict with my girls.

squeakytoy · 13/03/2011 22:52

Perhaps I am too liberal, but I would rather have a 15yr old (the Op does say that the girl is almost 15), who is comfortable to talk to me, rather than feel she has to do things behind my back because she thinks I would go mad at her or say no.

Just a question but if any of you had a child who was gay, how would you "police" their friendships.

Teens are ruled by their hearts and their hormones. Some will be more sexually active at 15 than others, and its rarely down to whether the parents have said no or not. You cant keep them locked up til they are 18.

I was never allowed a boyfriend in my bedroom, in fact the only man I ever slept with under my mums roof was my husband after we were married. It didnt stop me from having plenty of fun elsewhere when I was a teen though.

TheSecondComing · 13/03/2011 22:53

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ChippingInMistressSteamMop · 13/03/2011 22:54

Is your DD allowed to see her female friends during the week?

Is she allowed to have her female friends at your house when you aren't home?

Personally, I think by making such a big issue of the fact he's her boyfriend you are making the relationship more than it is.

I would try to talk to her, when you can bring it up casually in conversation, about how much you love her, but how much you wish you had had her a bit later in your life and that you would like her to do other things first - before she has children. That you expect her to make something of her life before she settles down - I think having that 'Better not, my parents would kill me if I got pregnant' feeling helps teens to say 'No, I'm not ready' and gives them (to themselves!) a good reason to say 'No'.

But I would be quite careful not to have this/these conversation directly about her boyfriend...

Hope that makes sense.

BeerTricksPotter · 13/03/2011 22:57

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GetOrfMoiLand · 13/03/2011 22:59

DD isn't allowed to have her boyfriend round without an adult in the house. She is also allowed no friends mid week - life is busy enough as it is, and she has 3 evenings a week when she is out the house attending clubs etc, so is not practical. She is not allowed out on her own midweek (we live in a city centre anyway, so not practical) and she has to be home by 7pm at the weekend (at the mo, gets later in summer).

I have sat down and had the chat as well, I said that I would prefer her to be in a long term relationship and to be older than 16 before she sleeps with someone. She is a good girl but I think the reason she is a good kid is because I havem't let her run wild. She is OK with her boyfriend being not allowed in the house unless an adult is in. When she is older we will review it.

zukiecat · 13/03/2011 23:02

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exoticfruits · 13/03/2011 23:02

It just shows that above all you need good communication.

FabbyChic · 13/03/2011 23:03

The other thing is is is she allowed out to see him in the week or during the day if no school? It is of course possible she could go to his house when no one is in? What then? You cannot know for sure all the time where she is and what she is doing, it's about trust.

I do think she should be able to see him during the week, maybe tuesdays and thursdays and at the weekend but not Sunday night because of getting up for school the next day, and making sure homework is done and stuff.

But no reason why she cannot see him Fridays.

My mum always let me sit in the dining room with my friends when they came over and we had privacy there, no boys were allowed upstairs and I'm now 46, she done the opposite with my sister who had her first at 17. I was 24.

Instill in your daughter that you want more for her than you had, that you want her to have an education and a choice where you had none.

I wanted more for my kids and always said no babies before they were 25, my eldest didn't even lose it until he was 19 and that suits me because I wanted him to be a child as long as possible.

BeerTricksPotter · 13/03/2011 23:14

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upyourdiva · 13/03/2011 23:17

Speak to her about it, ask a few questions about their relationship and judge from the answers whether she needs a chat about contraception.

Also regarding having him over, my parents sat with me and discussed what they thought were fair boundries and of course I challenged sme of them so we compramised where we could.

I like that my parents treated me like a grown up and trusted me enough but looked out for me at the same time.

squeakytoy · 13/03/2011 23:18

BeerTricks, do your teens not go out at night with their friends? School holidays? Weekends?

upyourdiva · 13/03/2011 23:20

BeerTricks - My parents were great with me but at 15 I went against everything anyway!

School hours - I was actually at DP's half the time
Way home - Timed school bus and caught same oe.

There were no indications that I was not going to school as is the same with many teens, I forged notes so they were not contacted for a long time!

zukiecat · 13/03/2011 23:22

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BeerTricksPotter · 13/03/2011 23:23

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bruffin · 13/03/2011 23:26

"I don't get this whole sneaking off to be with bf/gf. At 14, there's school hours. Some time to make your way home, do stuff etc. Then you know where they are and who with. Or you're not being a supportive parent."

DS and ex girlfriend are 15. Her parents didn't her alone in the house after school, but they were quite happy to let them meet up and wander streets. We found out they were spending there time under railway bridges in the middle of woods and in quiet corners of railway stations. According to her family they couldn't get up to much in "busy" places. We knew different!

MissVerinder · 13/03/2011 23:26

I haven't read all the posts, but how about a girly night with her? Rent a DVD with a suitable theme, get a pizza in and see if you can get her to talk about it a bit more. Go with something along the lines of "your Dad's worried because.... but I hope you can trust me and tell me how things are going... I would love you to wait before you do the deed, but if you're planning it, or it happens by accident, then please tell me, because I can help keep you both safe..."
It's difficult, I know. I work in sexual health with teenagers, and some are very naive, others not, but all need boundaries to help them find their way. Of all the pregnant teenagers I see, it's mostly through naivety or ignorance they managed to get themselves there. If you're comfortable with it, maybe even tell her your story. Hope this helps.