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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about my (almost) 15 year olds boyfriend!

118 replies

TAG30 · 13/03/2011 21:12

Ive never needed advice more than i do right now...
My 14 soon to be 15 year old daughter has her first serious boyfriend. He has been over a couple of times in the past week whilst my husband has been away but im at work tomorrow and my daughter has asked if he can come round whilst i am not here. My DH is completely against him coming round at all during the week which is another argument all together and has said he is not to be here when we are not. I do sort of agree but think that half hour or so in the interim is fine..he doesnt.
We are arguing so much over this at the moment and i cant help feel he doesnt even think about what she wants or consider her feelings but just lays the law down as to what he thinks it 'proper'. I dont want to alienate her but i also want to be a responsible parent and give her boundaries. I havent had a teen before and there is no manual! Any advice gratefully accepted

OP posts:
Spandangle · 13/03/2011 21:46

i agree that the pill is not the right thing- i would be worrying about stds as much as pregnancy- condoms. I was on the pill from age 15- I dont think interfering with natural hormone levels from such a yound age is a good idea at all.

I think banning from bedroom sends the right message. but think that him not being allowed in the house whilst you are not there is
a) pointless because she could do it any way and you'd never know (I did) and
b) tells her that you dont trust her

zukiecat · 13/03/2011 21:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
TAG30 · 13/03/2011 21:50

jemandtheholograms - lol you sound just like us! I agree with the not in our house as far as sleeping over when they are adults as i couldnt settle and i know the dh would no way accept that but even though i feel like that I think im being reasonable.
Having heard all the opinions here i so feel much more confident in saying he is not to be here whilst we are not here without feeling like i am the bad person.:)

OP posts:
Sassybeast · 13/03/2011 21:51

No way at 14. Definately not.

Original poster
TAG30 · 13/03/2011 21:53

i honestly dont think she is thinking about having sex at the moment i just want to make sure we are starting out on the right footing so we all know where we stand. Perhaps im the one being premature but im a virgo and i worry and need a plan and possibly a list :)

I wish they played with dolls for longer than they do these days

OP posts:
TheSecondComing · 13/03/2011 21:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
TAG30 · 13/03/2011 21:57

they both are nice kids and i think they would be trusted to be alone but i need to balance the dh the dd in this case so perhaps the middle ground, at the moment, would be to have him here when we are home.

OP posts:
QuickLookBusy · 13/03/2011 22:05

Good idea TAG. I always often use Dad as an excuse when I'm not happy about them doing something. Smile

atswimtwolengths · 13/03/2011 22:12

Now is the time, OP, for you to invent an imaginary teenager. Maybe it could be the daughter of a friend at work. All sorts of things happen to this girl and she really learns the hard way.

I would have my teenage daughter's eyes out on stalks as I told her what happened to an imaginary teenager when she walked home on her own, got herself into tricky situations with boys, drank too much alcohol, lied about where she was going, etc.

Best thing in the world, really. I'd always be sure to shed a tear at this poor girl's life. It was always believed.

notmyproblem · 13/03/2011 22:17

Custardo "get her on the pill"? Hmm Are you for real? What is she, a dog that needs to be spayed or something for her own good?

OP, definitely sit down and have a talk with her, you have no idea what she's been up to but it's not unreasonable that she's at the point where she needs to know where to turn, what her options are, etc. Explain that you had her at 16 and you know what being a teenager is like (she won't let on she believes you, but it will stick, trust me) and you understand that she's growing up and you want to help her make the right decisions and be in control of her life as she becomes more independent.

If she wants birth control, fine. If she wants reassurance that she can say NO to anything she doesn't want to do, that's fine too. Let her know you're there to talk to, or point her in the direction where she can get advice or help without you too.

With regard to boyfriends in the house, again, a frank discussion. Say you need to discuss this with your DP before you decide, and that the world won't end if the BF isn't allowed to come over tomorrow.

Once you've discussed and compromised with your DP on what the boundaries will be, then let your DD know and be firm but reasonable about it.

Lastly, get to know this boy, invite him over lots when you and your family are home, give him every chance to impress and earn your trust.

colditz · 13/03/2011 22:17

Goodness, Zukiecat, that would really worry me. Playing with dolls at fourteen?

colditz · 13/03/2011 22:19

I agree with custardo.

One of my friends got pregnant because her mother's approach to the sex talk was "Oh I'm sure you know what you're doing...."

She didn't.

My mother's approach to the sex talk was not to have it, luckily I had enough sense to go and get the contraceptive pill before having sex, and I used the belt'n'braces approach (pill and condom) for YEARS.

squeakytoy · 13/03/2011 22:22

Zukie, I would worry more about your daughters than the Op's really.

14 and still playing with dolls, and avoiding an 18th at 18 because people might be drinking? She sounds incredibly sheltered and innocent in a way that means the world is going to come as a big shock to her.

worraliberty · 13/03/2011 22:22

I would tell your daughter to wait til you get home before inviting him round.

zukiecat · 13/03/2011 22:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

worraliberty · 13/03/2011 22:24

They do sound very sheltered Zukie Can I ask why she's afraid to be around people drinking? Do all her friends drink irresponsibly?

TheSecondComing · 13/03/2011 22:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QuickLookBusy · 13/03/2011 22:26

I don't think there is any need to be so rude to Zukiecat. Every child develops at different rates. 1

My DD2 at 14 would be talking about boys one minute then "helping" little cousin, to play with Sylvanian families the next. Personally I'd be much more concered about a 14 year old being on the pill.

QuickLookBusy · 13/03/2011 22:28

FGs leave Zukie alone. She isn't the OP and hasn't asked anyone of you to comment on her DD. Its really out of order.

colditz · 13/03/2011 22:29

Posting something on a public forum is inviting comment. I was only being honest

worraliberty · 13/03/2011 22:31

Sorry who is being rude to Zukie? Is this not a discussion that she's brought the subject of her daughters into? Confused

Danthe4th · 13/03/2011 22:33

When my dd was 14, now nearly 16 and her relationship which is still going strong first started, the boyfriend had to ring me and ask if it was ok that they were going to be in the house alone for a few hours, so out of respect when he was going to be here alone I asked my daughter to do the same. They were both quite embarressed but it opened the doors for grown up conversations.
I would suggest that the boyfriends parents should be asked that they are ok with him visiting when they will be alone together. They may not realise that they will be alone and I have to agree is it really necessary for him to come during the week, unless they are planning to do homework together.

squeakytoy · 13/03/2011 22:33

Nobody has been rude. It IS odd for a teenager to play with dolls. Isnt it?

zukiecat · 13/03/2011 22:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QuickLookBusy · 13/03/2011 22:35

Well my DDs often don't go to parties, if they know they are just going to be full of people drinking stupidly and puking up all over the carpet.

They will go to parties were they know they will have a dance and a laugh.

There is nothing abnormal about being sensible. If you ask Drs about binge drinking in teenagers I think they would agree with Zukie's DDs approach.

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