about my (almost) 15 year olds boyfriend!

[TAG30]

Ive never needed advice more than i do right now...
My 14 soon to be 15 year old daughter has her first serious boyfriend. He has been over a couple of times in the past week whilst my husband has been away but im at work tomorrow and my daughter has asked if he can come round whilst i am not here. My DH is completely against him coming round at all during the week which is another argument all together and has said he is not to be here when we are not. I do sort of agree but think that half hour or so in the interim is fine..he doesnt.
We are arguing so much over this at the moment and i cant help feel he doesnt even think about what she wants or consider her feelings but just lays the law down as to what he thinks it 'proper'. I dont want to alienate her but i also want to be a responsible parent and give her boundaries. I havent had a teen before and there is no manual! Any advice gratefully accepted

I have sons and I don't think the rules are any different. Get to know your DCs friends of either sex, have open house, invite them for meals etc.
I agree with butterpieify-if you restrict visits then you really are going to throw them together-there is nothing to make it more certain than the glamour of illicit love! Have him around and get to know him and it is all rather ordinary and mundane.

I just remembered the rule we had when she was 14 (and I reckon this can be applied to boys as well) - nothing below the waist !

I have never ever heard of anyone getting pregnant who was fully clothed below the waist.

manicbmc - I think that's quite a good rule, actually. It has the merits of extreme clarity and total pregnancy prevention.

Well it's worked so far.

Such a tough one and I'm dreading this - my DD is 14 but no serious boyfriend on the scene yet.
Does she know that you won't be in tomorrow?

I would be inclined to say OK to the visit but not upstairs and also say lie that either you or DH will be popping home at 'some point' during the day. A vague threat of an unanounced visit may be enough to keep them on the straight and narrow!!

I would bet that the poor DD would be scared stiff if she knew what half of you expected her to do in half an hour unsupervised!

OP, similar situation for us with DS 2. He is 16 and his first real girlfriend is 15. They have only been together a few weeks but are a very sweet couple, both hard working at school.

They are very dependent on parents for transport as the bus service round here is crap, so we are trying to be encouraging of meetings that involve other people, like hanging around in town on Saturday and less enthusiastic about her being round here when we are out.

I don't mind where they are in our house and I'm very aware that no amount of rules stop things happening ( my own misspent youth!)

My view is really that I encourage my sons to be kind and thoughtful to others and I just hope that general good manners and respect will lead to a happy relationship for them.

My 15 year old DD has a boyfriend the same age. They don't see each other during the week as they have homework and after school activities. He does come around at the weekend but they are not allowed upstairs into DD's room and there is always someone around to keep a discrete eye on them. I have spoken to the boy's mother and she is from the same school of parenting as me. They are both focused on their schoolwork and actually revise together. Talk to your daughter and make sure she understands boundaries and if possible speak to her boyfriend's parents too. Teenage romances are a lovely part of teenage life and I wouldn't like to deny my DD this experience.

You've got two issues: your daughter and your husband. If your husband isn't supportive of the boyfriend coming round, I really don't think you can allow it. I would be totally upfront and say that it's new for all of you, and that you want to get to know the boyfriend a little bit better and then you can all agree some ground rules. Thank her very much for being upfront about asking, and say, sorry the answer is no for now. I'd be tempted to give her a tenner to go for a coffee or something with him instead.

My concern would be that she wouldn't feel comfortable saying "no" if the boyfriend tried something. If you are sure that she would, or that she knows about contraception if she does want to do something, then you need to get her to help you demonstrate to your husband that her boyfriend is good news and that she is old enough to deal with it.

Goodness! Thank you all for you contributions. My final thoughts on the matter are

get to know said boyfriend prior to being in my house alone for the foreseeable.

Only here when we are around atm_dd is free to go out with him whenever as long as all school work up to date etc

she does talk to me about him and is very honest (I think it will be harder for me be the open one but I will try my best!) So I think we will just play it by ear really but think we have sorted the initial ground rules out which I'm sure will constantly change as time goes on.

I am painfully aware that I am going to go through this all over again in a few years with the younger dd who I'm pretty sure isn't going to be so easy going!

Thanks again x
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Just to clarify something for all those that are urging the OP get her daughter on the Pill and/or provide condoms - if her daughter has sex with this boy, she will have been raped, in the eyes of the law.

Your willingness to condone and/or encourage that is frightening.

The general rule that boyfriends are not allowed upstairs make it quite clear that, under the OP's roof at least, sex will not be condoned. Of course, they can go elsewhere if they wish to, but at least know that by doing so they do not have their parents' blessing.

Some people are all too willing to encourage their children to repeat their own mistakes, in order to salve their consciences, in my view.

no she won't. she will have had underaged sex. this is
not the usa.