about my (almost) 15 year olds boyfriend!

[TAG30]

Ive never needed advice more than i do right now...
My 14 soon to be 15 year old daughter has her first serious boyfriend. He has been over a couple of times in the past week whilst my husband has been away but im at work tomorrow and my daughter has asked if he can come round whilst i am not here. My DH is completely against him coming round at all during the week which is another argument all together and has said he is not to be here when we are not. I do sort of agree but think that half hour or so in the interim is fine..he doesnt.
We are arguing so much over this at the moment and i cant help feel he doesnt even think about what she wants or consider her feelings but just lays the law down as to what he thinks it 'proper'. I dont want to alienate her but i also want to be a responsible parent and give her boundaries. I havent had a teen before and there is no manual! Any advice gratefully accepted

My parents were strict, and supportive, but they were bloody clueless about what I got up to. At 15 I really could run rings round them, as could most of my friends with their parents. Dont get me wrong, I had respect for them, but my mum wasnt a parent who I could confide in and talk to about boys.

When i was 14/15 i was allowed friends around of either sex. My parents worked so i would be home alone during the holidays and who i had in was never an issue as long as the house wasn't trashed. Either it didn't enter my parents heads that i might being using the time to have sex or they trusted me, i dont know which as we never had that conversation but either way i didn't have sex until i was 19 and then we did the deed in his flat.
Sometimes a bit of trust goes along way.

Thats why she is now his ex! We found out where they were going and weren't happy and told her parents, they were in denial. Then found out what they were getting upto, not all the way but pretty close. We told ds that we weren't happy and now she is his ex.

I should have made it clearer i had a mix of boyfriends and friends who happened to be boys. Plus i have a brother a year older so during our teenage years there was always a never ending steam of kids coming and going.

Beertricks - 14/15YO need independance to some degree.

I was given fair boundries, which I bent beyond belief after a while but that was just how I was.

When my parents found out I had gone against them I was made to split up with my boyfriend and they kept a very close eye on me unless I was at a friend's house. They could hardly keep me locked up.

Unfortunately one or two of my friends' parents were not particularly trust worthy and would lie about where we were if my parenst asked.

So 10 years later boyfriend (DP) and I are still together and have always been, we moved in together at 16 as a big 2's up to them in the end!

I think I would go with the no boyfriends in house if you are not there rule.

I remember being a 14 year old girl.

I still think that this is an extraordinary thread with 2 extremes:
One side saying have absolute control-know where she is every minute and give the third degree if she is 10 minutes late from school
The other side saying 'she will have sex-get her on the pill (despite being a child and under age)

What about a middle road and some common sense?

She is growing up (playing with dolls doesn't come into it as she is clearly past that stage)and you need to treat her in a grown up manner. Talk to her, encourage all friendships. Invite him around for meals with you-get to know him. Don't even think of having him around while you are not there, at the moment-take it slowly. She has only just met him and yet people are galloping ahead-she may have gone off him by Friday!

I should never ever be too smug. I know a vicar's daughter-the dream school child-clever, mature, all rounder etc-until she left home!
Because mine are older I have known a lot of DCs in our area since babies and there are one or too surprises!
It is all down to personality-I expect you are fine zukie-but you can't be sure of anything.

I can't believe people are saying she shouldn't be allowed to have him visit at all - it's so important to get to know your childs friends and to allow them to have a life. In case he steals something???! That is just appalling logic - it's far healthier to have them where you can see them! God you would think some of the people here had never been young.

Hold on a minute - half an hour two times a week? Sounds like a recipe for a romeo and juliet complex to me.

Personally (although my two are preschool, so I might change my mind!) I would have the same restrictions as with any other friend - do you realy restrict when and how often she can see her female friends? Maybe do a bit more unannounced walking in to her room.

Contreception is a difficult one too - I'm presuming you have talked to her about preventing pregnancy and STDs already anyway, or at least I would hope the school has, (mine did when we were in year six, which I think is great - we were all too young then, so there wasn't the pressure that there was in later talks when some people had had sex already and everyone else had to pretend to at least know all about it), but maybe time to leave a leaflet about the local walk in young peoples clinic around, just in case she has problems with her periods, or needs to talk to someone (and coincidentally the leaflet will mention free condoms etc)

I remember my mum trying to talk to me about going on the pill when I had never even kissed anyone - I was mortified, and had to pretend to her that I was much more experienced than I actually was.

I was a 14yr old with a 20yr old boyfriend.
I had self-respect and a moral bf so we didn't do anything illegally.

28 yrs later we're still together.

My parents tried to stop us initially, how could they?
They left for work before I went to school and returned after.
DH worked full-time and I had homework so didn't have a lot of opportunity for after school meetings.

This situation requires a delicate touch.

It all worked out well for us, I can see that it may not for others.

Communication is the key with teenagers. My dd (aged 16) knows she can talk to me about anything. I hope she knows her own mind well enough to know when she is ready for sex. She's not the kind of person who'd be swayed by peer pressure anyway.

She has plenty of freedom and all I ask is that she tells me where she's going and gives me an idea of when she'll be back (and also how she's getting back if she's at a party). Tbh I don't worry about her having a boy in her room. It's such a tip I doubt one will ever want to set foot in there anyway.

If you are concerned about her being alone with her bf, have a chat with her about why and also make it clear that you may just be home early - the thought of being caught might be enough to make her think twice.

TAG30 - I agree with your DH. I wouldn't let my teenaged DSSs be alone at home with a girlfriend. Their mother does - and that of course is her business.

How about sons? I mean for those of you with sons do you have the same rules?