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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it really is quite rude to constantly take no money when you meet up with friends?

104 replies

Awhiteelephantintheroom · 13/03/2011 14:03

Let me explain....

I have a friend that I've known for several years. We each have 3 children and our kids are all similar in age. This friend has never hidden the fact that she and her DH are constantly skint. Hence we always end up meeting in her home town rather than mine, so I have a 30 minute journey to meet her, as she says she is too skint to buy petrol to come to my town.

For the last few times that we've met up, she has brought literally zero money with her, apart from the fee it costs to get into the soft play place we go to (£2.50). She brings no drink or food with her for her youngest child. As soon as we get there she starts saying about being "thirsty", and then when I get myself a drink (I take a drink with me for my youngest), I feel obliged to buy a drink for her and her child. Last time we went I ordered lunch and when it arrived she asked if she could share mine and if her DD could share my DS's lunch. I wouldn't have minded sharing but she's freeloaded off me so much that it really annoyed me this time. If I was so skint that I couldn't afford a cup of squash or a tea to drink, I would take drinks with me and at least lunch for my child.

I think she thinks that we're well off and so she can free load off me. She keeps texting me all the time to arrange meeting up again but I'm quite cross with her about it all really.

Would it be bad if next time I just turned up with enough money to get DS into soft play and buy myself a drink but nothing else, just to teach her a lesson?

OP posts:
scurryfunge · 13/03/2011 17:18

OP are you sure she is not being financially abused by her DH and she really has little money to herself?

If this isn't the case, I would tell her straight that you cannot keep subsidising her.

FreudianSlippery · 13/03/2011 17:19

Shock and to think I feel guilty if my friend offers to buy DD a 20p cup of squash!

sobloodystupid · 13/03/2011 17:19

oh I don't envy you, its v difficult. My sis does this all the time, her children wear hideous expensive clothes that she gets cheap as the owners are clients of hers, the children are v overweight as they are taught to "hoover" up all "free" food whether they are hungry or not. Sis will look at them sweating in the play centre and will not buy them a drink but when I buy mine theirs, the kids swarm round...

FreudianSlippery · 13/03/2011 17:20

Hope you'll keep us updated btw

MrsBananaGrabber · 13/03/2011 17:23

atswimtwolengths - We got pizza last Saturday night for example, the bill came to $54, I went to the door and the Dh of the couple looked at me so I said $30 each with tip, he said OK and then I gave two $20 notes and he gave one, I thought he would then give me a ten but he never did, it's not the end of the world but it does grate. Their eldest dc then went on to eat most of my pizza because I was late to the table due to feeding 12 week old dd.

I usually cook but my freind said on the phone that her kids wouldn't eat my beef wellington so I said screw it lets get pizza. My DH opened an expensive bottle of red that night, I could have killed him.

KaraStarbuckThrace · 13/03/2011 17:24

'OP are you sure she is not being financially abused by her DH and she really has little money to herself?'

I suspect that many women who were in this position would be loathed to ask for help, and would certainly ask in a much more graceful way than this lady!

Mamaz0n · 13/03/2011 17:27

jeez.

I think that next time she did it i would just buy my own tea.

i can't believe she has the brass neck to ask to eat your food Shock

FreakoidOrganisoid · 13/03/2011 17:30

I think she is taking the piss.

I'm quite bad for forgetting money/not having my bag with me but would rather go without than ask someone to buy for me and always pay back asap if someone offers. If it was a very good friend I might ask for a loan but it would always be a loan, and my friends know that.

skybluepearl · 13/03/2011 17:34

I'd tell your friend that you are off to the loo -go then pop to the tills and buy your food on your way back to your friend. Get a glass of tap water extra.

saffy85 · 13/03/2011 17:36

YANBU She is taking the piss. Shock at anyone being so brazen, cheeky fucking cow!

Sounds like she considers you a bit of a pushover and this is why she is brazenly taken advantage of your good nature.

GabySolis · 13/03/2011 18:06

Why do you have to eat when you go out to soft play? Why not have your lunch at home before you go then problem solved?

beesimo · 13/03/2011 18:46

OP This wouldn't happen in my world I would be unable to hold my tongue over this if you don't want a row though I would just withdraw yourself from the friendship. She is clearly not one of us rabbits I would consider her a 'funny bunny' and next time she rang would probably tell her to hop off

Original poster
Awhiteelephantintheroom · 14/03/2011 07:58

Thanks everyone for the replies and advice, I will keep you updated next time I meet up with her.....

OP posts:
LittleRayOf · 14/03/2011 10:12

Just a thought... when you visit her at her house do you take along food/drink? What does she provide for you and your dc?

Is it possible that she thinks that you are the one being a bit cheeky by expecting her to provide for you at her place but then only bringing along food / drink for your own child at soft play?

I am not saying her behaviour is justified - it is just that sometimes people only look at the small part of the situation that irritates them rather than taking all factors into consideration, e.g. the cost of petrol you pay to visit her vs the cost of hosting your visits.

MillsAndDoom · 14/03/2011 10:22

LittleRayOf - as I read it they don't meet up at freeloaders house, they meet up at the soft play in freeloaders town.

Original poster
Awhiteelephantintheroom · 14/03/2011 10:39

LittleRay, we never go to her house as it is filthy dirty and I don't like going there, hence we meet at soft play. She certainly has never "hosted" a visit. The few times I have been there in the past she has offered me a glass of tap water. And I always take along snacks, drinks for my children wherever I go. MillsandDoom has it spot on about where we meet.

OP posts:
LittleRayOf · 14/03/2011 10:39

Thanks... I did read that wrong.

Original poster
Awhiteelephantintheroom · 14/03/2011 10:40

And just to no one jumps on me about the filthy dirty house, it's not just a bit of dust or mess we're talking about here, we're talking about full-on never-cleaned filth. Filth so bad as when her baby wees on the floor she doesn't clean it up.

OP posts:
MillsAndDoom · 14/03/2011 11:01

white elephant that's grim

Journey · 14/03/2011 11:24

Why don't you ask her before you go to the soft play centre if she will have enough money on her? If she says she won't then tell her to text you when she has the money to rearrange another day.

Original poster
Awhiteelephantintheroom · 14/03/2011 12:31

Journey, she normally suggests the days we meet up, so you'd think really that she'd plan it to tie in with pay day/tax credits day wouldn't you?

Whilst posting on this thread/reading replies it's becoming clearer and clearer to me why she wants to meet up so much and why she just suggests days all the time, and TBH I feel a bit of a mug. Been thinking about it all morning.

OP posts:
notmyproblem · 14/03/2011 13:19

OP, she is using you because you are LETTING her.

Stop letting her. Stop feeling guilty. She's manipulating you. Recognise that, let her eat/drink nothing when she comes with you, let her kid cry while your kid eats.

Sounds harsh but while you continue to feel bad and take care of her by buying her stuff, she will continue to walk all over you and use you for your money.

I agree with what other posters said. Tell her straight up you're not interesting in funding her anymore. Then stick to it. If she gets huffy with you, she's not someone you want to be friends with anyway.

Just don't keep coming on here complaining that she's using you after everyone else has told you that she is and yet you continue to let it happen.

Quit being a doormat.

atswimtwolengths · 14/03/2011 13:26

But do you really want to be friends with someone who doesn't mop up her baby's urine? I wouldn't!

FreudianSlippery · 14/03/2011 13:46

I am not for one minute excusing the freeloading, but is it possible she's depressed... That lack of cleanliness is really not normal and is often a sign of poor self esteem. As I said it's no excuse for scrounging off you but may be an issue?

Original poster
Awhiteelephantintheroom · 14/03/2011 13:50

Notmyproblem, I don't keep coming on here complaining about her, this is the only thread I've ever done about her. I said I'd pop back and update as some on here have said to let them know how it goes.

But yes, you're right, she will go on using me as long as I let her, which I'm not going to let her do anymore.

Freudian, I think you could be right about the depression, she does seem to have a low self esteem. Like I said, I do find her very needy and she's actually quite draining recently.

OP posts:
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