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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it really is quite rude to constantly take no money when you meet up with friends?

104 replies

Awhiteelephantintheroom · 13/03/2011 14:03

Let me explain....

I have a friend that I've known for several years. We each have 3 children and our kids are all similar in age. This friend has never hidden the fact that she and her DH are constantly skint. Hence we always end up meeting in her home town rather than mine, so I have a 30 minute journey to meet her, as she says she is too skint to buy petrol to come to my town.

For the last few times that we've met up, she has brought literally zero money with her, apart from the fee it costs to get into the soft play place we go to (£2.50). She brings no drink or food with her for her youngest child. As soon as we get there she starts saying about being "thirsty", and then when I get myself a drink (I take a drink with me for my youngest), I feel obliged to buy a drink for her and her child. Last time we went I ordered lunch and when it arrived she asked if she could share mine and if her DD could share my DS's lunch. I wouldn't have minded sharing but she's freeloaded off me so much that it really annoyed me this time. If I was so skint that I couldn't afford a cup of squash or a tea to drink, I would take drinks with me and at least lunch for my child.

I think she thinks that we're well off and so she can free load off me. She keeps texting me all the time to arrange meeting up again but I'm quite cross with her about it all really.

Would it be bad if next time I just turned up with enough money to get DS into soft play and buy myself a drink but nothing else, just to teach her a lesson?

OP posts:
zukiecat · 13/03/2011 15:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zukiecat · 13/03/2011 15:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Awhiteelephantintheroom · 13/03/2011 15:30

Awww Boffinmum that's lovely :-)

OP posts:
Original poster
Awhiteelephantintheroom · 13/03/2011 15:32

I'd rather not say, Zukicat as it might identify me if she's a member on here....

OP posts:
ChasingSquirrels · 13/03/2011 15:34

she is taking the piss, lots of good advice on here on how to address it.

(lots of places where the next town is 30 mins or less away)

Original poster
Awhiteelephantintheroom · 13/03/2011 15:36

I thought the same about the towns, ChasingSquirrels; where I grew up there were various towns all less than half an hour away from where I lived, and I'd say unless someone lives in a very rural location there is a town at least every half an hour.

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 13/03/2011 15:39

My God daughter's mum used to do this ( mum is my dh's cousin) - except she did it with EVERYTHING including nappies! Shock

She actually said once 'well, I don't bother to bring anything because you always have some in your bag!'

Bare faced cheek of it!

zukiecat · 13/03/2011 15:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Awhiteelephantintheroom · 13/03/2011 15:41

Valium, this has reminded me that said friend has a few times turned up without nappies and wipes too, and then just expected to use mine.

OP posts:
LittleMissHissyFit · 13/03/2011 15:41

I live between a number of towns, all of which could be 30 mins from each other.

WhiteElephant, your friend is taking the piss. Tell her you don't approve of Fruitshoots and would sooner buy her DC a packet of B&H. Grin

Just say NO, love. I'm not exactly flush, but I'd deffo buy you a coffee!

Original poster
Awhiteelephantintheroom · 13/03/2011 15:42

Perhaps you live in a rural location then Zukie? Where I live I could get to about 6 different towns in half an hour and am just over an hour away from 3 cities.

OP posts:
LittleMissHissyFit · 13/03/2011 15:42

OMG! Nappies too!

I have had accidents with DS and run out, unexpected poos etc, and borrowed from a friend, but jesus christ, your friend is just hideously awful.

Is she broke?

Original poster
Awhiteelephantintheroom · 13/03/2011 15:43

Thanks LittleMiss Brew

OP posts:
LittleMissHissyFit · 13/03/2011 15:43

Brew Grin

Original poster
Awhiteelephantintheroom · 13/03/2011 15:49

I think they're crap with money LittleMiss; I know her DP has a low-paid job from what she says but they get tax credits and other benefits too.

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 13/03/2011 15:51

It was at the point when she was spending a lot of time with us and I ran the bath for ds and she popped her dd in too and said "I didn't give her a bath earlier as I knew I could do it here" that I decided I had to take DRASTIC ACTION Shock Grin

You need to nip it in the bud now OP or it will get worse.

Do you like your friend? Does she enrich your life at all or does she just piss you off and this soft play /money thing is the last straw?

KaraStarbuckThrace · 13/03/2011 15:53

Shock I am astounded such people exist!!
Honestly she really does a bleeding cheek scrounging off you, Whiteelephant!

I once borrowed A £10 off a friend as I realised I had forgotten to go to the cash machine but I paid is straight back - even then I felt really Blush about asking!

And once when I went swimming with a friend, I had to borrow a nappy as DS did a big poo while we were having lunch and I'd only brought one spare with me. I sent it back to her washed as soon as I saw her next (we both use cloth).

I hate asking people for things like that, would only do it if I was desperate!

It sounds like you have a good strategy. I think once she realises you aren't going to be a meal ticket for her, I predict you will be seeing a lot less of her.

PigValentine · 13/03/2011 15:56

I'd be Angry if my lunch came and then I was asked to share it because I like my food, and I don't like sharing it (except with the leeches DS's. DS's wouldn't like it either, they are good eaters and if I gave half their meal away they'd be hungry. Of course, if a good friend was struggling, I would help out, and no-one would like to see a child hungry or thirsty - but it sounds like she is taking the piss, and really putting you in an awkward position.

Original poster
Awhiteelephantintheroom · 13/03/2011 15:56

Valium, I do like her and in some ways she's been a good friend, however she is very needy and this scrounging is really really putting me off her.

OP posts:
atswimtwolengths · 13/03/2011 16:22

Why is she going to a soft play centre if she's broke? Why can't you go to her house?

Why doesn't she say 'Oh let's meet on Monday, because I'll be paid then'?

It's pretty obvious that she sets out with the belief that you will pay for her. That's really not nice, thinking of her beforehand, thinking, 'Oh no need to take any money as AWhiteElephant will pay.'

I can feel your embarrassment - I would hate to see a child watching my child eat. I wouldn't say 'If there's anything left over, your child can eat it' because then they will be watching your child's plate the whole time. Who wants to eat when being watched? And then if your child pauses, the other child will jump!

But when you go up to the bar, can't you say 'Can't you buy your own child a drink? I've got to buy for my child.' Does she admit she's brought no money?

MrsBananaGrabber · 13/03/2011 16:42

I can't imagine my friend stood at my side saying i'm thirsty when i'm ordering a coffee, that has blown me away. You have more patience than me OP, that would have been the end right there.

We have good freinds who are stingy, I really like them and their DC's but it does put me off them, they turn up for an evening with no wine and then drink ours, if we get a takeaway I always end up paying more even though one of my DC's is a baby, there is no need for it. It's a horrible trait.

atswimtwolengths · 13/03/2011 16:54

MrsBanana, do you end up paying more than half? How do you split the takeaway bill? Is it done over the phone?

How can they turn up without wine for a planned evening? That's terrible!

Lucyinthepie · 13/03/2011 17:02

It's simple. Next time you start by saying "I'm a bit broke, so we'll need to meet in the middle somewhere to keep my costs down and you'll need to pay for your own food and drink this time."
What's the problem with that?

humanoctopus · 13/03/2011 17:06

There is a mum at our school who is very like this.

When my first started school I had no idea of her previous form, and ended up paying for food and drinks at parties (when parents had to stay around).

I tried not buying for her, but her kids would actually ask mine if they could have a bite/sip. Mine are very generous, and so it continued...

I decided to stop it, and refused to give her kids stuff. She is the type who would get a cup from the counter at soft play, and share your coffee into hers.

She always says how badly off they are. Her kids actually ask strangers for drinks at sports day, etc.

She became quite huffy with me when I told her at the school picnic, that she couldn't just expect me to feed hers. She sat the kids on our picnic blanket regardless!

A new mum has come to the school and she has moved on.

colditz · 13/03/2011 17:13

ooooo this is going to be awkward.

If you still want to meet her, text her beforehand and say "Don't forget to bring food and drink, Ds is having a growth spurt and will eat EVERYTHING I pack! :)"

And then only pack enough food for you and ds (keep amount low and snackify him later, to make your point), and only take enough money to get you and your son in. Don't take your card (or at least pretend you haven't).

Then, if she doesn't bring the money to get in, she's not going in. If she doesn't bring food, they won't be eating.

She's being VERY selfish and moochy, and I think she does need to be taught a lesson.