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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think it really is quite rude to constantly take no money when you meet up with friends?

104 replies

Awhiteelephantintheroom · 13/03/2011 14:03

Let me explain....

I have a friend that I've known for several years. We each have 3 children and our kids are all similar in age. This friend has never hidden the fact that she and her DH are constantly skint. Hence we always end up meeting in her home town rather than mine, so I have a 30 minute journey to meet her, as she says she is too skint to buy petrol to come to my town.

For the last few times that we've met up, she has brought literally zero money with her, apart from the fee it costs to get into the soft play place we go to (£2.50). She brings no drink or food with her for her youngest child. As soon as we get there she starts saying about being "thirsty", and then when I get myself a drink (I take a drink with me for my youngest), I feel obliged to buy a drink for her and her child. Last time we went I ordered lunch and when it arrived she asked if she could share mine and if her DD could share my DS's lunch. I wouldn't have minded sharing but she's freeloaded off me so much that it really annoyed me this time. If I was so skint that I couldn't afford a cup of squash or a tea to drink, I would take drinks with me and at least lunch for my child.

I think she thinks that we're well off and so she can free load off me. She keeps texting me all the time to arrange meeting up again but I'm quite cross with her about it all really.

Would it be bad if next time I just turned up with enough money to get DS into soft play and buy myself a drink but nothing else, just to teach her a lesson?

OP posts:
Original poster
Awhiteelephantintheroom · 13/03/2011 14:23

Also to add that when I take stuff for DS with me, she asks if her DD can share it with him. So she ends up with half his sandwiches, fruit etc.

They're not well off financially but her DP works, they get lots of tax credits (I think she said they get £150 per week) and their car was bought for them by a family member so no car finance to pay. I think they are just rubbish with money.

OP posts:
Original poster
Awhiteelephantintheroom · 13/03/2011 14:25

Bringonthegoat, I do like her, but she is putting me off her more and more by being so stingey and having such a sense of entitlement. The kids all get on well too so it would be a shame to totally end the friendship.

OP posts:
step2 · 13/03/2011 14:26

Alternatively could you not wait until the weather is good for a day out at the local park and just take enough food and drink for your own or better still meet after lunch, you could stop for lunch along the way if it helps yours to keep going.

Many years ago this would always happen to me. In the end I just stopped meeting. It was pre-children. I'd be really interested to hear how it goes if you can take the time to post an update Wink

RunAwayWife · 13/03/2011 14:26

TBH if she is that broke she should not be going to the soft play.

YellowDinosaur · 13/03/2011 14:27

When she asks if her dd can share your ds's food I would say 'sorry I have brought the amount that he needs to eat - otherwise he will be hungry. If there is any left she is welcome to have that'

RunAwayWife · 13/03/2011 14:28

£150 a week tax credit????
Bloody hell, the woman has scrounging down to an art!

YellowDinosaur · 13/03/2011 14:28

Its awkward though because potentially there is going to be her dd - hungry, thirsty and upset because your dc has food and drink and she doesn't. And I can understand why you have just gone along with it because you don't want to be in this situation. But it is not your problem or your fault

ilovesooty · 13/03/2011 14:31

I do like her, but she is putting me off her more and more by being so stingey and having such a sense of entitlement. The kids all get on well too so it would be a shame to totally end the friendship.

Tell her that, then: face to face.

Agree that it is not your problem or your fault.

expatinscotland · 13/03/2011 14:32

She's being a mooch.

We're stony skint so if we go out to meet friends we meet at the play park usually and bring a picnic lunch, a flask of tea or coffee, snacks, juice, etc.

If we're going to soft play we wait till around payday. Or save up for events like a highland games or something and take a bus over.

I'd never expect a mate to provide for my children just because she is well-off. How shocking and rude!

That's not what mates are for.

Original poster
Awhiteelephantintheroom · 13/03/2011 14:33

That's the thing, YellowDinosaur, I feel guilty if I'm sitting there supping on a hot chocolate whilst DS eats his lunch and then she and her child are sat there with nothing. And I think that's why I've been generous with her until now as it's just not in my nature to see people go without. However it does grate slightly when my DS is drinking squash made with tap water that I brought with me, to keep costs down, and she insists that I must buy her DD a fruitshoot.

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 13/03/2011 14:36

It's not up to you to subsidise her. Just ignore her 'hints' when you get a drink. She'll get the message. There is nothing that is stopping her from taking lunch for her child and a drink for herself. Plenty of people do it.

Bringonthegoat · 13/03/2011 14:37

I would speak to her about it, but get feeling you aren;t up for that. Instead I'd just stop doing it - when she said her DD wants a fruit shoot I'd just buy a jug of squah and put it on table - let her DD have some, she can have some too if she's that thirsty.

YellowDinosaur · 13/03/2011 14:38

So you're not even buying your ds a drink and she expects you to buy one for hers? Easy then - 'sorry I am not going to buy your dd a fruit shoot because if he sees it ds will want one too and I really can't afford to buy expensive drinks - that is why I have brought squash for him. Sure they will give you some tap water if you ask'

valiumredhead · 13/03/2011 14:39

YY - what yellow dinosaur said! Perfect Grin

Original poster
Awhiteelephantintheroom · 13/03/2011 14:40

The only thing re buying a jug of squash is I don't drink squash and I take DS's drink with me so I'd still end up forking out for drinks for her and her child.

What I think I'm going to do is:

Cut down the amount of times I see her

Text her on the morning we're due to meet up and say "We're skint at the moment so I'll probably be having lunch beforehand and taking drinks with me"

If I buy myself a coke I'll just ignore her hints

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 13/03/2011 14:42

Good idea. She is behaving like she does because you provide drinks and food ( not a criticism, I wouldn't like to see a child thirsty either)

expatinscotland · 13/03/2011 14:45

Just take your own stuff if you still want to meet up, text her beforehand, and buy nothing there.

ENormaSnob · 13/03/2011 14:47

I would dump the skiving cow tbh.

Mates don't do this.

DandyLioness · 13/03/2011 14:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LoveBeingKnockedUp · 13/03/2011 14:57

Can't you just meet at her house and demand good and drinks Grin

DandyLioness · 13/03/2011 14:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DaisyDaresYOU · 13/03/2011 15:03

Just say NO sorry.When you say it enough times she'll soon leave you alone.She just sounds a freeloader rather than skint tbh.I.e with the sharing.Say to her very clearly that you will do it this time but next time she really has to provide for her own dd as it not fair on your ds to keep having to share his food.so she knows for next time to bring her dds lunch.

BoffinMum · 13/03/2011 15:04

She's a cheeky mare. Come out with me instead and I will treat you for a change.

DaisyDaresYOU · 13/03/2011 15:18

Oh and btw dps sister was like this.My dp said when his kids were little thier cousins came into the tent and without asking nicked a load of food but it got to the third day and dp(annoyed)said if you want food your mum will have to buy it for you.They bought 1type of food that kids hate but Told them to help themselves to dps Shock needless to say they stopped scrounging after that.You just have to say NO it's the only way

microfight · 13/03/2011 15:19

I would have nothing to do with her but if you must then talk to her.

I have had similar problems where people think because we are relatively well off they can take advantage. It's really disrespectful not just the fact she has been fr5ee loading financially but making you drive to her all the time is not on either.

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