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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it really is quite rude to constantly take no money when you meet up with friends?

104 replies

Awhiteelephantintheroom · 13/03/2011 14:03

Let me explain....

I have a friend that I've known for several years. We each have 3 children and our kids are all similar in age. This friend has never hidden the fact that she and her DH are constantly skint. Hence we always end up meeting in her home town rather than mine, so I have a 30 minute journey to meet her, as she says she is too skint to buy petrol to come to my town.

For the last few times that we've met up, she has brought literally zero money with her, apart from the fee it costs to get into the soft play place we go to (£2.50). She brings no drink or food with her for her youngest child. As soon as we get there she starts saying about being "thirsty", and then when I get myself a drink (I take a drink with me for my youngest), I feel obliged to buy a drink for her and her child. Last time we went I ordered lunch and when it arrived she asked if she could share mine and if her DD could share my DS's lunch. I wouldn't have minded sharing but she's freeloaded off me so much that it really annoyed me this time. If I was so skint that I couldn't afford a cup of squash or a tea to drink, I would take drinks with me and at least lunch for my child.

I think she thinks that we're well off and so she can free load off me. She keeps texting me all the time to arrange meeting up again but I'm quite cross with her about it all really.

Would it be bad if next time I just turned up with enough money to get DS into soft play and buy myself a drink but nothing else, just to teach her a lesson?

OP posts:
geraldinetheluckygoat · 13/03/2011 14:07

yes do that, or text her to "remind" her to take a drink for her dd and money for lunch if they want it?

Original poster
Awhiteelephantintheroom · 13/03/2011 14:07

Hahahaha I love the texting idea, I'll do that definitely!!

OP posts:
Bringonthegoat · 13/03/2011 14:09

YANBU to be upset but YWBU to 'teach her a lesson'. If she is really your friend and you actually still like her then you need to speak to her.

Call her up and say what you are upset about. Namely that she doesn't bring food or drink for her child - as an adult it is her choice to go without but not fair on LO.

It is an awkward conversation but better to have it than play games.

valiumredhead · 13/03/2011 14:09

She's not BU not to take any money if she is skint but she definitely IS if she doesn't take a drink for her child!!

I smuggle all sorts into soft play as I refuse to pay such ridiculous prices for food.

ICanPluck · 13/03/2011 14:09

Shock That's actually awful. Assuming she has food at home, it'll cost absolutely nothing extra to take a sandwich and a bottle of juice for her children. She's got an absolute cheek. Times are hard for everyone, that doesn't give her the right to sponge off you just because you're a friend, not every time you meet up.

If you want to see her again, be clear in your text and tell her that she needs to bring a drink and some lunch for her children as you will be doing the same because you can't afford to feed everyone.

Shock
LadyOfTheManor · 13/03/2011 14:10

Or text and say;

"We're skint, so we're bringing our own snacks instead of buying there".

or

"We're skint this week-we'll be having lunch before we leave".

Just so she knows to eat before she gets there.

YANBU, she is bloody rude.

valiumredhead · 13/03/2011 14:11

I like lady's suggestion of the text.

Ooopsadaisy · 13/03/2011 14:11

Friends should not be hard work.

Life with friends should be easy and relaxed and stress free.

I know this sounds a bit harsh but isn't your life too short for this person?

Original poster
Awhiteelephantintheroom · 13/03/2011 14:12

Me too Valium, I usually take a full lunch for DS when I go out. Soft play places are so busy they don't usually notice these things.

What I find annoying with her is I will go up and get a drink and she will just come up to the counter with me and keep saying "mmmm, I'm thirsty" whilst I'm ordering my drink. And she will just ask outright if I'll get her child a fruitshoot. I suggested last time that she got tap water for her and she said "Oh no she'd prefer a fruitshoot"

OP posts:
Original poster
Awhiteelephantintheroom · 13/03/2011 14:13

I am thinking the same Ooopsadaisy. I actually find her very needy in all ways and difficult to spend time with and she doesn't actually bring much to the friendship.

OP posts:
MillsAndDoom · 13/03/2011 14:13

Yanbu at all - she is cheeky.

You could make the point that you are not loaded and avoid a confrontation about buying her food / drink by replying to her text saying that she should come to you and you can't afford the petrol

LadyOfTheManor · 13/03/2011 14:13

You could always take enough for just one drink (maybe a £1), and say you have no cash.

I went to a softplay for a friend's child's birthday, and they didn't take card-I presume it's the same across the board?

MillsAndDoom · 13/03/2011 14:14

Cross posts with your latest - am Shock - dump her

ICanPluck · 13/03/2011 14:15

Chances are when she starts hearing the word 'no' from you, and has to make the effort to see you if you tell her you can't afford to travel to her this week etc - she'll ditch the friendship and find somebody else more charitable.

YellowDinosaur · 13/03/2011 14:16

I think its one thing doing this if its a one off or if sometimes she puts her money in her wallet and treats you but she is taking the p*ss tbh.

If I were you next time she asks to meet up I would say that you cannot afford to keep paying for food and drink for her and her children and that you are being put off meeting up with her because you feel that she has come to expect it. Tell her that you are happy to meet as you would like to see her but that you cannot afford to continue with this.

Then stick to your guns - it will be pretty awkward if her dd is upset but if this is the case she will have to leave.

To make it easier to stick to this I would literally bring enough money for what you need and no more so you can't pay for anything for her.

TotorosOcarina · 13/03/2011 14:17

I'd just txt her beforehand and say 'we are bringing juice and butties, you should do some for your ds/dd too'

Ooopsadaisy · 13/03/2011 14:17

Awhiteelephant - I'm glad you don't think I'm a cow Grin

I'm a big believer in surrounding your life with positivity. Things that aren't positive are out.

I have packed in my career recently because of this. I have also "purged myself" of a few "friends" (in a nice way).

I am much happier for it.

IAPJJLPJ · 13/03/2011 14:17

If you don't feel you are getting much from the friendship then maybe you need to meet her less and less. I would find it very stressful to meet with her as it would be constantly on my mind that I am "out of pocket" by doing so and also not getting anything in return.

Noddyrocks · 13/03/2011 14:18

I had a friend I usd to work with who was like this but these were in the old days when kids were not involved.
I don't think this is on. Do you think prehaps she is really skint so can't afford it? (that would mean really skint though!) Even if this were the case you wouldnt start moaning about it expecting others to buy for you - not if you have any pride!

The other option (if she doesnt have change to bring) is to bring her own surely. Theres always water in the tap for her kids,even if she doesnt have juice and she must feed them at home.

Ok I am going to extremes here as I am sure this isnt the case but this kind of thing would really piss me off if it were me.

Bringonthegoat · 13/03/2011 14:18

Why are you still 'friends'? Confused Just say you don't want to meet up anymore as you feel taken advantage of.

YellowDinosaur · 13/03/2011 14:19

Or I would say that all these weeks of paying for extra food and drink and extra petrol that yuou hadn't budgeted for have taken their toll and that you won't be able to afford to come and meet her for a few weeks but she is welcome to come to you - which she won't.

Or meet up in places that cost no money like a park and take all your own snacks and drinks

Original poster
Awhiteelephantintheroom · 13/03/2011 14:20

I totally agree Oopsadaisy; needy friends are just so draining aren't they?

I think I'm going to start meeting up with her less. I agree with the poster that said she might go off and find someone more charitable. I think perhaps that's why she's so keen to meet up, to see what she can get from me, and if I don't buy her anything she might well move on.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 13/03/2011 14:20

If I were you next time she asks to meet up I would say that you cannot afford to keep paying for food and drink for her and her children and that you are being put off meeting up with her because you feel that she has come to expect it. Tell her that you are happy to meet as you would like to see her but that you cannot afford to continue with this.

I agree: I don't think texts are at all appropriate for this sort of thing. Neither is game playing.

Bringonthegoat · 13/03/2011 14:22

Genuinely - why meet up at all? Doesn't sound as if you like her?

ilovesooty · 13/03/2011 14:23

I'm a big believer in surrounding your life with positivity. Things that aren't positive are out.

Smile