Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

PIL and DS - visits

133 replies

DwayneDibley · 13/03/2011 12:07

Fully prepared to accept if I am BU (well, maybe).

Very brief - My Mum and Dad work FT and dont get home until 6pmish, including Saturdays so they take DS on a Sunday (gives me a much needed break as I also work FT). DPs parents work FTish (but early finishes most days, home by 4pm) and they are both off Saturdays AND Sundays.

Now, most Saturdays they have their other GC (just the one, who is about 6) and go out shopping or whatever. They rarely see DS because the other GC can be a bit of a handful and I dont think they can do with the hassle of looking after two Hmm.

For the past however long I can remember they have had plans (nothing special, little trips out etc) on Saturday when they havent had the other GC so havent had DS either. Doesnt bother me too much, their choice an all that, except last Sunday they had no plans, so wanted to see DS in the afternoon.

I saw my arse a bit tbh, because 1) Selfishness on my part - when they have him its only for an hour or so and my mum, god love her, takes him off my hands for the day and gives him his tea (and he loves it there!) 2) Sunday is the only day my mum and Dad see him really. 3) PILs can see him on a Saturday or in the week but choose not to because they are going to pick garden furniture or cant be arsed with having 2 GC on the same day.

I am also a bit Hmm that just because they have decreed that on one Sunday they have no plans and would like to see DS that everyone else has to change what has become a bit of a routine (and as I say, a lovely break for me, esp as I have not been very well recently).

Soooooo, on the one hand I think I might have been a bit U, they are his GPs afterall. BUT when they can see him on Saturdays, and when I suspect she had had a bit of a moan to DP about never seeing DS, it just makes me think "feck off, if you want to see DS then maybe dont go to B&Q one Saturday".

Tell me if IABU and I might consider that I am

OP posts:
Original poster
DwayneDibley · 13/03/2011 14:14

Thing is though Diddl - the ILs usually go out on a Sunday so would not be around anyway, I cant bloody win.

OP posts:
diddl · 13/03/2011 14:16
Blush
ThisFeelsWeird · 13/03/2011 14:17

Why post in AIBU when you are so certain that you are not?

Yikes, you are v. defensive and come across quite aggressivley. Please don't ask me to analyse word for word how I have come to this conclusion, just my impression. If your DS is in nursery full-time (does this mean till tea-time?) then presumably you see him very little in the week, is that right? Then you want your parents, who work longer hours than you do, to "take him off your hands" on Sunday and are clearly absolutely seething under the surface about "the other GC" who nabs the place with his GPs that you clearly feels is yours to dominate on a Saturday.

OP, you have got very used to a nice set-up which requires very little parenting from yourself and lots of lovely lie-ins and time alone. Nice if you can get it I suppose. But really, being expected to spend a day with your own son at the weekend should not have you quite so worked up.

Yes, a big fat YABU - in fact, it's the most U OP I have seen for a while.

NB: Before you demand that I show you line by line where you have said that you are "seething", let me tell you that I have simply used my powers of inference and imagination... Wink

Original poster
DwayneDibley · 13/03/2011 14:18

Diddl - I am thinking that might be the only option to keep everyone happy tbh (well I dont even have to thnk about keeping my mum happy as like I said if she knew I was having such a do over this she'd be very angry with me)

OP posts:
RunAwayWife · 13/03/2011 14:19

If I had to work full time I would not want my children anywhere but with me at the weekend

Original poster
DwayneDibley · 13/03/2011 14:23

TFW - he is in nursery til 4pm

I dont want my parents to take him off my hands.

I am not seething about other GC, I seethe about ILs whinging as if its me causing all the obstacles when in reality they can just perhaps NOT go to B&Q one Saturday and spend a bit of time with DS instead, or, even whackier, take him with them, or crazer still, be in so we can have a visit.

Lie ins - haha, what are those? I am up at 5.30am in the mornings to get ready for work and at weekends I am up with DS Confused

OP posts:
ziva · 13/03/2011 14:24

honestly DwayneDibley you are coming accross as a a bit spoilt and inconsiderate.your PIL have raised their family and if they choose to spend their days off rolling eggs down a hill thats their right.

Original poster
DwayneDibley · 13/03/2011 14:29

RunAway - I used to feel like that when on Mat leave. My friend used to say what a relief it was when her mum to take her DS for a while and I couldnt comprehend it.

When I went back FT I understood what she meant within about 3 months of being back.

You get torn between feeling you have to love every minute with them, even the not so nice tantrum ones, because you work full time and feel like you rarely see them, and feeling guilty for just craving and enjoying a bit of quiet time alone to try and relax before the shitting working week starts again.

OP posts:
microfight · 13/03/2011 14:41

I can see where your coming from but I think you should just honestly ask your mum and if she doesn't want a day off then ask the IL's if there is another day they can do when they're not busy shopping.
I think the fact they spend regular time with the other GC is the reason you are upset. And that they only seem to have time when there is really nothing else to do to see your son.

I wouldn't worry to much though. As for Missy (I'm a better mum cause I spend all weekend with my kids) just ignore her. It's not even relevant to your AIBU.

Just be open to all concerned and find a solution

BrandyAlexander · 13/03/2011 14:46

OP, in response to the actual question you asked, I can understand why you're peed off but quite frankly I would let it go and just use it as an opportunity to let your DS build a relationship with them. Take a long term view and see it as important that it is important that DS does have this relationship. You never know, if you take the crumbs that are offered, they might enjoy spending time with him that they will want to prioritise seeing him.

As to the question you didn't ask, i.e. is the amount of time you spend with your DS reasonable or unreasonable..... well you didn't ask it so I won't answer it, it's none of my business and every family has their own dynamics and every woman has their own thing that works for them. Now..... if only some of the other posters would stick to the question that you did ask, instead of wanting to spout their views on the perfect way to parent. Hmm

givemethestrongestcheese · 13/03/2011 14:46

DD I don't think it is at all U to appreciate a weekly day off from a demanding toddler on Sunday ESPECIALLY if you work FT!!! I expect you see DS for several hours a day and all day Saturday. Everybody needs a break. It is also great for a child to have an extended family to whom he feels closes. I am a bit Confused by posters who say that if/ when they worked FT they would not want their DC spending a day of the weekend with grandparents. It sounds fab to me - no doubt housework builds up during the week and you just might, just possibly, have a life of your own that doesn't involve work or a 2 year old (eg going for a long walk, having a drink with your DH in the pub, even decorating the spare room....)

BUT on the matter of PILs, you are being a little hasty. Yes, it must be annoying that you feel that they treat your DS as a back up option to buying pork pies....my PILs are the same....however, that will only get worse if you make it difficult for them to see him when they DO find they have the will/ energy. Let him go for a couple of hours (that is all they do, right?) and then go and visit your own Mum and Dad for tea as a family. You will have a great day.

grumblinalong · 13/03/2011 15:19

Tbh I don't think it is anyone else's business how much time you spend with your son. Your life, your ways.

I do think your in laws would be being slightly unreasonable to expect you to drop your plans at their say so. Just because they have a window in their diary doesn't mean you should automatically fill it with the presence of your son. However, if you're not willing to compromise with them and arrange an alternative time when they can see your DS you would be being unreasonable. If you had said 'Sorry, DS is going to my parents this Sunday so how about you have him next Saturday?' what would their reply have been? Compromise works both ways.

judgejudie · 13/03/2011 15:21

I expect you see DS for several hours a day and all day Saturday

surely not, i mean how outrageous is that for a mother to see her own child for one whole day a week Shock

BoysAreLikeDogs · 13/03/2011 15:29

OP says she has not been very well recently, I think a bit of slack could be cut

also palming off is an awful way to describe being with relatives - the child is with loving GPs on a Sunday, not tossed into a creche with strangers fgs

LittleMissHissyFit · 13/03/2011 15:35

I appreciate all the neighsayers and those that say go easy.

This OP perhaps was badly written, but even with the best will in the world, it leaves an awful taste in the mouth.

2yo is a lovely age, and so much easier than 3, 4 5, or heaven help me 6 (have this to come). I'd be inclined to make the enjoyment of it my priority, and not my break. Can't there be family events, get togethers so Mum & son and family can all enjoy this little boy?

I think the attitude to the boys GP is sad too, if they want to see the child on an adhoc basis (as is normal) then surely the OPs parents can re-arrange once in a while?

This weekend thing sounds like a standing arrangement, rather than GPs being involved and seeing their GC. Why can't the 'DP' take the boy over to see his parents once in a while if OP needs the time to herself?

MissyKLo · 13/03/2011 17:29

Totally agree with thisfeelsweird

And nellykat dearie thank goodness you will not be conversing with me again - best news ive had all day mrs sockpuppet ha ha

MissyKLo · 13/03/2011 17:33

Totally agree with thisfeelsweird

And nellykat dearie dearie dearie dear - thank goodness you won't be conversing with me again. Best news I've ha all day mrs sockpuppet

Ha ha

iscream · 13/03/2011 18:42

Perhaps you could invite your in-laws and your dc's cousin over for lunch once in a while on a Saturday? They get to spend time visiting, the cousins get to play together and your parents still get to take him for Sunday. Sorted!

iscream · 13/03/2011 18:45

And you get to spend time with your nephew as well.

DitaVonCheese · 13/03/2011 19:02

OP, I think one of the things that makes it sound a bit like you are "palming him off" is that you'd rather your mum had him than your ILs because your mum will have him for longer.

Milngavie · 13/03/2011 19:07

Yes it would be nice if your IL's would see more of your DS but you can't make them.

I too am stunned that you only spend one full day a week with your DS.

hairylights · 13/03/2011 19:12

Sounds a tad cut your nose off to spite your face.

Seeing their grandson is surely not somethig that is 'earned' or 'unearned'. On one hand you sound pissed off they don't see him, on the other hand you're pissed off when they do want to.

One Sunday in many is hardly a killer.

HappyMummyOfOne · 13/03/2011 19:16

YABU, I simply cant imagine working FT and then arranging a full day childcare for a 2 year old at the weekend every weekend just so you can have time to yourself - even worse when those doing the childcare work FT themselves too.

You could give your mum a break and look after your son yourself and fit in a visit to your PILs. Its hardly fair to blame them for not visiting when your son is only at home one day a week. Why do you expect the PIL's to take him with them at weekends - maybe you fancy the other day covering too.

As for "sharing him" - dont dress it up as sharing him - people can visit him without him having to spend the whole day elsewhere when he already doesnt see his parents in the week. You dont share your children.

fedupofnamechanging · 13/03/2011 19:23

Only on page 3 of this thread so far, but as far as I can see, the OP is not expecting the ILs to change things to suit her. It's the IL's expecting the OP to change things to suit them.

I think OP that you should ask your parents if they would like a break on the Sunday that your IL's want DS. If your mum wants to keep DS, then stand by your existing arrangements. If she would quite like a break, then by all means accommodate your ILs.

If you really don't want to change what happens on a Sunday, then offer your IL's alternative times. Then it is up to them.

I don't think there is anything wrong in GP's having a child for one day per week if all parties are happy with the arrangement. You hear on MN a lot about how DC should have a relationship with GP's that is independent of the parents. For some people, having time to themselves makes them better parents.

So, imo YANBU

hairylights · 13/03/2011 19:30

But the ILs get a choice of only ONE day a week because the parents have monopoly on Sundays. Seems rather unfair and inflexible to me.

Swipe left for the next trending thread