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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

PIL and DS - visits

133 replies

DwayneDibley · 13/03/2011 12:07

Fully prepared to accept if I am BU (well, maybe).

Very brief - My Mum and Dad work FT and dont get home until 6pmish, including Saturdays so they take DS on a Sunday (gives me a much needed break as I also work FT). DPs parents work FTish (but early finishes most days, home by 4pm) and they are both off Saturdays AND Sundays.

Now, most Saturdays they have their other GC (just the one, who is about 6) and go out shopping or whatever. They rarely see DS because the other GC can be a bit of a handful and I dont think they can do with the hassle of looking after two Hmm.

For the past however long I can remember they have had plans (nothing special, little trips out etc) on Saturday when they havent had the other GC so havent had DS either. Doesnt bother me too much, their choice an all that, except last Sunday they had no plans, so wanted to see DS in the afternoon.

I saw my arse a bit tbh, because 1) Selfishness on my part - when they have him its only for an hour or so and my mum, god love her, takes him off my hands for the day and gives him his tea (and he loves it there!) 2) Sunday is the only day my mum and Dad see him really. 3) PILs can see him on a Saturday or in the week but choose not to because they are going to pick garden furniture or cant be arsed with having 2 GC on the same day.

I am also a bit Hmm that just because they have decreed that on one Sunday they have no plans and would like to see DS that everyone else has to change what has become a bit of a routine (and as I say, a lovely break for me, esp as I have not been very well recently).

Soooooo, on the one hand I think I might have been a bit U, they are his GPs afterall. BUT when they can see him on Saturdays, and when I suspect she had had a bit of a moan to DP about never seeing DS, it just makes me think "feck off, if you want to see DS then maybe dont go to B&Q one Saturday".

Tell me if IABU and I might consider that I am

OP posts:
MissyKLo · 13/03/2011 13:49

If you want to start getting defensive that is up to you but I still feel sorry fir your son

diddl · 13/03/2011 13:51

But if Sunday is the only convenient day for ILs also, there should be some compromise?

PaisleyLeaf · 13/03/2011 13:51

As we're going into warmer/lighter evenings it'll probably be easier and nicer for you to visit the ILs with your DS from 4pm onwards in the week.
But I'm not really understanding why you can't go out with them for a sunday. It's starting to sound like your mum's a bit needy about having her GS and she's the only one who never gets a day off.

deliakate · 13/03/2011 13:52

Does your work not have toilets? I'm a sahm, and would see work as my time to do stuff like that - to get a cuppa and drink without worrying it'll end up on someone's head, to go to the loo in peace, chat to people uninterrupted etc.

As for housework - just involve ds. Mine loves unloading washing and even helps to sort and hang it up up etc and he is under 2. Ok, its a bit slower, but its real life. I worry your ds is missing out on the experience if he's in daycare all week too. This would be my nightmare, tbh.

Original poster
DwayneDibley · 13/03/2011 13:52

Diddl - we get on ok I guess. But same here, we cant go there for little but often visits, it is all or nothing. They have only been here once and we have lived here 6 years.

The only issue I have ever really had is this one, they they moan to DP about not seeing DS but then when I say to DP on a Sat "oh what is yuor mum and Dad doing today" its always "oh they are taking other GC to " which again I dont mind, the other GC is their PFGC and their Soon (her Dad) has issues of his own. Or its "oh Dads watching football so mums going into town". So I suppose I am just a bit Hmm that they moan about not seeing DS when personally I dont think its anyones 'fault' but theirs.

OP posts:
MissyKLo · 13/03/2011 13:54

Who yanked your chain nellykat?!

My opinion and I'm sticking with it

At least my dc are palmed off every weekend

MissyKLo · 13/03/2011 13:55

Are NOT palmed off every Sunday that should read...

Original poster
DwayneDibley · 13/03/2011 13:55

Delia - I hate that he is in nursery. Im looking for a pt job but being the main earner Im finding it hard to find something that will earn me enough to cover my part of the mortgage and bills which is all I am interested in.

OP posts:
giveitago · 13/03/2011 13:57

Let them see him. Looks like both sets of grandparents have very busy lives indeed.

My god - cannot imagine what it's like to have that sort of support. I've not had my ds looked after (not by nursery when working obviously) for more than 2 hours since he was born almost 5 years ago. Blimey. All very nice and your life certainly won't collapse because the other grandparents are free for once.

Your parents must be nackered working a 6 day week and looking after gc on their day off. Bless them - they sound amazing - just like your ils.

Original poster
DwayneDibley · 13/03/2011 13:57

Missy - oh come now dear, I dont palm him off the whole weekend

OP posts:
diddl · 13/03/2011 13:57

Well, perhaps next time they don´t have other GC on a Sat, you can visit so that you control how long you are there.

If not, maybe the Sunday needs dividing up between your parents & ILs!

MissyKLo · 13/03/2011 13:59

If you hate that he is in nursery how come you palm him off every Sunday? And want a break as yiu say? You contradict yourself so much

PaisleyLeaf · 13/03/2011 13:59

Well why don't you meet with them at that soft play on a saturday?
It's not just the GPs it's nice for your DS to build a relationship- with his cousin too.

MissyKLo · 13/03/2011 14:00

Ok dearie will leave you to your contradictions! See ya

Original poster
DwayneDibley · 13/03/2011 14:01

I guess I am prepared to admit I might have BU about it being one day. But cant believe NOONE thinks IL are a bit U also for not being arsed every other weekend apart from the one that they had nothing planned. Really, no-one?

Not AIBU by stealth as it wasnt relevant at first but they have cancelled visits before because the weather has turned out nice and they wanted to go to the garden centre to pick some plants. Please god tell me Im not BU there!!!

OP posts:
picturerail · 13/03/2011 14:02

The OP didn't say she needed a break from her DS but a "break" which, correct me if i'm wrong OP, means a break from her daily routine. I know how that feels & I only work part time! The issue here is the ILs & whether the OP is BU about expecting them to change their plans to suit her.

My ILs see my DSs once a month, if that, & we are always having to change plans we've made to do something as a family or with friends & other family to accomodate them. It kills me as their bullshit plans sound just like your ILs but if we didn't do it the DSs would miss out as for reasons beyond me they are rather fond of them & actually enjoy seeing them. Unfortunately OP unless you want to cause a huge kerfuffle this is something that you just have to suck up (where's that hoover smiley when you need it?)

Nellykats · 13/03/2011 14:02

what gives your the right to point your judgemental nasty little finger at anybody Missy? Are you a straight talker kind of person? You are rude and rather unpleasant, how you live your life is your business but coming here and playing good mummy gives you no right to be so persistently obnoxious.

I will ignore your comments for now on, go bark at somebody else dear x

giveitago · 13/03/2011 14:02

Dway - well if they were free all of the time and your parents have them one day per weekend, when would you see your child?

Original poster
DwayneDibley · 13/03/2011 14:03

Missy - not contradiction really.

it is possible to have mixed feelings. With humans who are ready to admit they are not perfect it is anyway Smile

OP posts:
diddl · 13/03/2011 14:04

"But cant believe NOONE thinks IL are a bit U also for not being arsed every other weekend apart from the one that they had nothing planned. Really, no-one?"

But if they have things planned & your mum has him every Sunday-what should they do?

Perhaps a couple of nights in the week for a couple of hours might be a solution.

Bearable for you & better than nothing for them!

Pancakeflipper · 13/03/2011 14:05

I don't know why you posted in here DD. You are obviously not being unreasonable in your mind.

If the PIL's are complaining at not seeing your child to your DP. Then he should point out to them what you are saying about them not having/making time.

The adults involved in this all seem busy. Real life is like this. I'd like to be skipping in the park every Sunday. Reality is I have just cleaned up after Sunday lunch, baked for Red Nose Day, got the fish tank to clean and the ironing to do whilst barking out spellings to my eldest.

My SIL once said to me whilst I was having a mini-battle with my PIL's "I try to enjoy them even when I feel disappointed or irritated because one day I will wake up and they won't be around to feel annoyed with."

Grit your teeth and enjoy what they offer.

diddl · 13/03/2011 14:08

I think the other thing here is that you leave your son with your parents.

What I mean by that is perhaps if you were all visiting, it wouldn´t happen every sunday and there might be more time for ILs to see everyone.

Original poster
DwayneDibley · 13/03/2011 14:11

Pancake - most people who post in AIBu dont think they are Grin Tis the way its always been

Ive admitted in a post above that I suppose I might be a bit U, but still think they are shits for moaning that they dont see DS.

He has seen my mum and dad every sunday since he was born pretty much, and while they would rather die then think there was a hoo-hah going on about them having him, I do think it would be a bit unfair to suddenly say "right, ILS are free today so sorry......"

I mean, can you imagine if I came on here saying "ILs have DS every Sunday and my Mum and Dad have never been arsed with him but now decide they want to see him so WIBU to tell ILs tough shit"?

OP posts:
Tuppence2 · 13/03/2011 14:12

I'm really confused at all of this... the op obviously spends mon to fri after work until bedtime and all of saturday with her ds. Her parents have him on Sundays because they enjoy having him round and it helps out their dd (the op)

I don't think the op is palming her ds off to her parents at all and I don't think she IBU in not wanting to change her ds's routine on a sun because her IL's decide they want to see him.

The OP has stated her IL's could visit any evening... but they choose to have their other DS and DGS round for tea every night.

TBH, if I was in the OP's position, I wouldn't be all that happy in changing his routine for the IL's to come see him, when they can't change theirs occaisionally to see the OP's DS.

diddl · 13/03/2011 14:14

"but still think they are shits for moaning that they dont see DS."

But realistically, they work Mon-Fri, are often busy Sat, there is only Sunday left.

Perhaps they think that YABU for having got into such a situation with your parents.

In such a case some people might do one in 3-one with own parents, one with ILs, one alone iyswim.

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