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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

PIL and DS - visits

133 replies

DwayneDibley · 13/03/2011 12:07

Fully prepared to accept if I am BU (well, maybe).

Very brief - My Mum and Dad work FT and dont get home until 6pmish, including Saturdays so they take DS on a Sunday (gives me a much needed break as I also work FT). DPs parents work FTish (but early finishes most days, home by 4pm) and they are both off Saturdays AND Sundays.

Now, most Saturdays they have their other GC (just the one, who is about 6) and go out shopping or whatever. They rarely see DS because the other GC can be a bit of a handful and I dont think they can do with the hassle of looking after two Hmm.

For the past however long I can remember they have had plans (nothing special, little trips out etc) on Saturday when they havent had the other GC so havent had DS either. Doesnt bother me too much, their choice an all that, except last Sunday they had no plans, so wanted to see DS in the afternoon.

I saw my arse a bit tbh, because 1) Selfishness on my part - when they have him its only for an hour or so and my mum, god love her, takes him off my hands for the day and gives him his tea (and he loves it there!) 2) Sunday is the only day my mum and Dad see him really. 3) PILs can see him on a Saturday or in the week but choose not to because they are going to pick garden furniture or cant be arsed with having 2 GC on the same day.

I am also a bit Hmm that just because they have decreed that on one Sunday they have no plans and would like to see DS that everyone else has to change what has become a bit of a routine (and as I say, a lovely break for me, esp as I have not been very well recently).

Soooooo, on the one hand I think I might have been a bit U, they are his GPs afterall. BUT when they can see him on Saturdays, and when I suspect she had had a bit of a moan to DP about never seeing DS, it just makes me think "feck off, if you want to see DS then maybe dont go to B&Q one Saturday".

Tell me if IABU and I might consider that I am

OP posts:
Rhinestone · 13/03/2011 13:17

Nelly - she's not a single parent.

compo · 13/03/2011 13:18

Er she's not a single parent!

microfight · 13/03/2011 13:18

I don't think when the OP see's her DS is relevant to this particular question. It's a question about the PIL.

Rhinestone · 13/03/2011 13:19

Er, so why can't your DP look after him on the weekend sometimes? The fact that you don't mention him at all wrt your son's care and some poster think you're a single parent is rather sad actually.

diddl · 13/03/2011 13:21

Perhaps the problem is that Sunday is also most convenient for ILs-and your parents always have him.

Original poster
DwayneDibley · 13/03/2011 13:22

Nelly - Im not a single parent but I kknew this would turn into a "oh no a mother has not got her child tucked into her bosom 24/7" bashing.

Its gauche to admit that you want a break from your kids on MN, have been here a looooooong time now, but I freely admit, yes it is lovely at times to be able to go for a shit without someone watching me, or wash and dry some clothes and not just Febreze them.

OP posts:
bruffin · 13/03/2011 13:23

"you have upset the "never let your kid out of your sight" club"

Not that club, its the "it's nice to actually spend time with your kids club"

I worked full time when DS was 3 to 8 months old and there is no way i would have needed a "break from him" at the weekend.
I then worked p/t 3 days a week. I am all for GP spending time with their GC, my dcs adore their GM's and still can't wait to visit them even though they are teens.
Just think it's odd that a parent who works full time needs a "break" from their child at the weekend!

jenga079 · 13/03/2011 13:24

Have you actually said to them 'my mum really enjoys seeing him on a Sunday. Are there any Saturdays or weekdays you could do soon instead?'

Their 'little trips out' might sound like nothing special to you, but to me it sounds like they have an active social life and good relationship. It's really not that odd that they would want to spend time together or with their friends on a Sunday and it's simply not their responsibility to take your DS on their time off.

I'm due in July and both sets of GPs will live three hours drive away. I'm sure I'll be grateful for any time I get to see them (not because they'll take my child off my hands, but because it'll be lovely to see them and spend time together as a family!)

Original poster
DwayneDibley · 13/03/2011 13:24

ARRRGH Sorry he works 1 in 6, not off 1 in 6 [facepalm]

OP posts:
Original poster
DwayneDibley · 13/03/2011 13:24

no no no he IS off 1 in 6 (I need a drink)

OP posts:
Original poster
DwayneDibley · 13/03/2011 13:26

Rhinestone - DP doesnt look after him that much tbh, he works most weekends (OFF 1 in 6) and in the week DS goes to nursery FT and loves it. DP picks him up early when hes not in work (not that it matters??)

OP posts:
anniepanniepears · 13/03/2011 13:27

I think that as it has been routine for your parents to have him on a sunday it would be a shame for you to change this as your mum must look forward to this,
other gp will just have to accept this and thae ds on a diffrent day

Nellykats · 13/03/2011 13:27

you're right she's not... :) Well done my perception!

but she still can have time without her child without that making her a bad mother though?

my parents live in a different country, my DH's live 6 hours away. It would be lovely to have them spend time with my DS, that was such a happy part of my own childhood I never thought anybody would consider my mother or father spoilt.

I just don't get the slightly aggressive comments about her not wanting to be with her son and how quickly those years go... smug is the word that comes to mind.

Once again, sorry OP for making you a single parent!

exoticfruits · 13/03/2011 13:29

A good time to get out of any routines.

lazylula · 13/03/2011 13:30

And you can't do those things with a child there? TBH, I do think YABU in expecting the in laws to change things to suit you. I am sure your parents would understand that the in laws would like the odd occasion with their grandchild, it is not as if they are saying from now on we want dgs every Sunday, it was 1 day! I think a bit of compromise is needed here.
I probably am from the never let your kids out of your sight club, I am happy to admit that and I would not want my children to go to either grandparents every weekend, and I wash my clothes, never had to febreze them!

Nellykats · 13/03/2011 13:30

For what it's worth DD, I feel like a div for misreading your post Blush, I think it's lovely that your parents are so involved.

Original poster
DwayneDibley · 13/03/2011 13:31

Jenga - its no-ones responsibility to 'take' DS at a weekend, I never said it was

OP posts:
Original poster
DwayneDibley · 13/03/2011 13:32

Annie - my mum lives for these Sundays now. She has depression and anxiety and doesnt go out anywhere except when DS is with her because she likes showing him off.

OP posts:
MissyKLo · 13/03/2011 13:34

You have been avoiding the questiOn of when do you actually spend time with you son and use the excuse that you want to 'share' him so that is why you palm let your mum have him EVERY Sunday Hmm

Truth is you do palm him off every Sunday and that sounds extraordinarily selfish of you

I feel sorry for your son, you work all week which is fair enough but them every Sunday you palm him off to your parents and justify it with the poor excuse that you want to share him

Original poster
DwayneDibley · 13/03/2011 13:36

Nelly dont apologise, I do feel sometimes like I have elements of a single parents life (no where near as hard though) with DP working the weird rota he does.

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diddl · 13/03/2011 13:36

Btw, how do you get on with the ILs?

Mine were both already retired when our children came along-but would never come to see just me & them in the week, oh no-had to be a Sat/Sun so that they could spend the whole day with their PFB.

Heaven forbid that they spend the whole day with their only GC & just see their son for a couple of hrs when he got in from work!

And it was surprising how much they had to do on a Sat so that only Sun was convenient!

allthefuckingnicknamesaretaken · 13/03/2011 13:38

When do you and dp see either set of parents? Do you not visit as a family so gps can see their gc then too?

Nellykats · 13/03/2011 13:40

MissyKlo I bet you're a delight in real life too...

defineme · 13/03/2011 13:43

I think this has turned into a discussion about how much time a mother spends with her child. Personally, I think the child sounds very happy with arrangements. I wouldn't be happy because when my dc were 2 I wanted to be absolutely central in their lives, but if the op is happy and the child is fair enough.

I hope those posters questioning the 6 days a week without the child are also questioning why the dh doesn't just not send the child to nursery on his day off work because that is exactly what my dh would do and did.

As for the inlaws, yabu arsey and entitled. Make more invitations to them/accept you'll be a bit crowded round their house. Ity's not up to you to expect help or to expect plans to suit you.

I hope my kids know I won't be working full time and having their kids every weekend....

When I see my Mum we all stay together-worth a try?

Original poster
DwayneDibley · 13/03/2011 13:46

The whole palming off thing is a bit tiresome now tbh. I dont palm him off at all, my mum and dad want to see him so they see him, its really as simple as that. Im grateful that I get a bit of a break on a Sunday from about 12pm - 5pmish. I'll call SS and tell them about how little time I spend with my son and will report back on what they say.

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