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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have you ever taken a child to a child-free wedding?

454 replies

Hammy02 · 12/03/2011 13:01

This isn't a rant about attitudes to children at weddings. Due to finances, I am having a v.small wedding (20 people for the ceremony & reception) so having to exclude lots of adults that we would rather have there. I am just worried that one of the couples we are inviting will ignore the no-children stipulation and bring theirs anyway. If they do, there will be no-where for them to sit as the room we have hired for the reception is a table for 20 only. Have you ever ignored the no-child comment on an invite?

OP posts:
fastedwina · 12/03/2011 23:57

ladydeedy - are you referring to Human's circumstances? If so, then as the bride, you would be quite happy to know that your good friend who had travelled by plane to another country to attend your wedding and on the day of the wedding when her husband had to go to hospital, just wandered about killing time. I would want her at my wedding with her children - in fact it would probably ruin my day if she had stayed away under those circumstances in case she was worried that the children wouldn't be welcome.

Maryz · 13/03/2011 00:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

vickster11 · 13/03/2011 00:13

When we looked at wedding venues lots of them refused to have children. You could lie and say no kids are allowed due to health and safety at the place. You could then ask a member of staff to ask people to leave if they turn up with kids.

I would never dream of taking a child to a party or wedding that wasnt invited.

Most people dont invite kids along because they cant afford to pay for them as well as adults. They make too much noise at the wrong time, wedding vows and speeches.

Why not ask a relative to look after them stay overnight at the venue and get totally drunk and attempt to dance without falling on your face!! Would be so much more fun than staying at home

elphabadefiesgravity · 13/03/2011 00:39

I would take univited children to the ceremony if necessary/they wanted to go. After all it is a public event and anyone can tuen up.

But I would never taken them to the reception if they were not invited.

My parents turned up to a wedding ceremony with my grandmother who could not understand why she had not been invited to see her great neice married.

They didn't take her to the reception and her sister (brides grandmother) was really upset as she didn;t know her sister had not been invited.

scottishmummy · 13/03/2011 00:47

that's purposefully obtuse.public yes.just do it?no

with that logic do you just turn up at random public events because you can

will you rock up to doors to manual and prince big nose wedding on that basis.love see that explanation

StewieGriffinsMom · 13/03/2011 08:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Hammy02 · 13/03/2011 08:21

Thank you for all of your replies. If the couple do bring their children I will just tell the mother (that I don't know very well) that there is no room for her children at the reception and it is up to her what she does with them. They can all leave at that point or her DP can stay and she can leave with the kids. Simples.

OP posts:
goodbyemrschips · 13/03/2011 08:25

*I can't understand people who say they wouldn't go to a wedding if their children aren't invited .

If their children are invited to a birthday party do they insist that the whole family goes .

Surely adults get invititations to adult parties (which some weddings are) and children get invited to children's parties, and sometimes families are invited to family parties.

Why are people so precious, and so quick to take offence?*

Not precious, just I am part of a family so invite me invite us all.

A childs party is different.

I cannot understand that some people say ''children spoil a wedding'' don't get that one.

elliott · 13/03/2011 08:27

Mary, LOTS of people don't have backup childcare that wld allow them to go to a childfree wedding- wld have thought that was an obvious reason not to go. Dh and I have managed one night away in the last four years without dc as we have no grandparents able to take the kids. Fortunately I've never been invited to a wedding without children but it's not really how I'd choose to spend my once-in-a-blue-moon weekend without them!

SardineQueen · 13/03/2011 08:29

People don;t normally bring their children if their children aren't invited.

I think that people who have child free weddings do need to understand that it might mean that some of the poeple they've invited can't come.

onlion · 13/03/2011 08:46

OP my sister recently had a wedding in australia. I have a 6 year old. It didnt occur to me that he wasnt invited, especially as we were spending thousands to fly there as a family to her wedding.

What she did was phone me, very apologetically, and explain that she was awfuly sorry but the choice was down to the fact the venue was unsafe for children. As it happened, the venue was on the river and had a huge pond thingy with candles in the middle of the room. I was disappointed but after she explained it was due to the venue, I understood.

Maybe if you know them well enough, dont ring to check but ring to "apologise" that the kids cant go due to the restrictions of the venue. Then drop in that you might have a small party after you get back from honeymoon...when all the kids can come and celebrate.

fastedwina · 13/03/2011 09:10

onlion - I'm sort of shocked really, what did you do? Did you not go at all or go and make arrangements for your child that day?

onlion · 13/03/2011 09:12

No it was fine as my other siblings had older kids (14, 15) who were also not invited ao they had a little slumber party with him at their house. :)

fastedwina · 13/03/2011 09:13

Phew, glad it all worked out then!

WynkenBlynkenandNod · 13/03/2011 09:19

OP if he is your DP's friend, get DP to ring him and apologise that the children aren't invited but it is down to numbers and health and safety in the venue. That you hope they can both come but appreciate it can be hard to get childcare and if they weren't able to, you'd understand if one/both aren't able to attend, you are very sorry for inconvenience caused and if you can help in anyway ie. Ring venue and see if they can suggest a local babysitter, then please let you know.

I've missed several weddings as haven't had any childcare but in Human's situation ie. Overseas, do see where she is coming from.

AuntiePickleBottom · 13/03/2011 09:30

i would not bring my children to a child-free event. infact i would probably enjoy a night off from my little darlings :)

beesimo · 13/03/2011 09:37

I can't bleive how up their own backsides people are on MM about Weddings you all should realise that a Wedding is about the happy couple wishes and needs everybody else is the chorus line they should be king and queen for THEIR day.If you are invited as either a individual a couple or a family you either accept gracefully or decline politley you don't start blarting on about oh I think this or I want that trying to put your boot on the brides neck. How can you be so rotten as to spoil things either join in on the terms offered or shut up and go away from the situation. You need to grow up Thank God none of my lasses have mates like some of you lot because frankly I would put your head in a bucket and kick it down the yard

BigBadMummy · 13/03/2011 09:43

Just to throw my tuppence into the ring.... I certainly would not take my children to a childfree wedding. I think its rude to do so whatever the circumstances

We had a childfree wedding for the same reasons as the OP, and I have three of my own from my first marriage.

We could only have 70 and if we had allowed every couple coming to bring their children there would have 40 from amongst just our best friends.

So it was my three and god children only.

As for human's story, sorry but your priority should have been your husband and getting home. Not taking your children and making yoru own arrangements for them there on the day, such as "sticking them on a sofa".

if you really believe that nothing was said... well you are very naive. That indicates that nothing positive was said either. And nor were your children invited to join in / arrangements made to seat them.

That would tell me everything.

OP could your DP have a quiet word with his best friend and just say "look, really sorry about the no children rule, you do understand why we were are doing this, dont you"

SardineQueen · 13/03/2011 09:45

beesimo you sound very angry. Are you OK?

Gissabreak · 13/03/2011 09:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Becaroooo · 13/03/2011 09:54

I was fully prepared for my guests to tell me they couldnt come because of the no children thing - and I completely understood it might be diffficult - BUT only 1 cousin cited that as a reason for not coming, but my aunt later told me she wasnt planning to come anyway.

I think people automatically assume when you state "no children" that you must hate children and are just being precious....I am afraid its not that simple.

I LOVE children, and I would have loved to have had my families kids at my wedding HOWEVER we had 2 very large families to sccomodate (meal for 110/buffet reception for 150) and it was just impossible to accomodate any more people.

The venue was a max of 120 for the meal and 160 for the evening so we were pretty much at the limit for H&S reasons and the cost was also a factor. We could not invite dear friends to our own wedding because family members had to come first.

As the bride I spent months trying to find a bigger venue/try and figure out how we could afford more people and stresing myself out...it just wasnt possible and the wedding was already larger than I initially wanted anyway!!

I now have 2 dc of my own and it really doesnt bother me at all when I get child free invites...I assume the bride is having the same issues I had and I sympathise.

nethunsreject · 13/03/2011 09:58

Taking a kid to a shild free wedding is very rude.

Having a child free wedding is imo weird, but I find the whole wedding thing odd anyway and only go to those of very close pals. Been to 6 in my entire life.

missmehalia · 13/03/2011 09:59

Haven't time to read all 7 pages, but I suggest having individual contact with the parent/s beforehand. If they can't make other arrangements, have them to the party instead with the kids. They wouldn't be the only friends excluded by this. (And, btw, I'm a child-at-weddings lover, ours had loads of kids there. We just said that if children took an interest and kept quiet, they should be there as part of our community. If they would get bored and make a racket, then for their own interests they should be elsewhere. Parents don't always think of their childrens' experience at these things, only their own.)

I just think this is your day, have it how you want. But also bear in mind that, if you want to take children to weddings in future, you have no right to take offence when this all applies to you and yours.

Escallonia · 13/03/2011 09:59

OP, why do you think they would bring their kids? Do they have previous form on this?

Agree with BigBadMummy - get your DP to phone or speak in person with his mate, and say "we're really sorry we can't include children, but it's a small private dinner for 20 adults and the no-children rule applies to all. I hope that's ok, can you sort out a babysitter all right?"

Then if there is any hmm-ing about the problems of babysitters, DP can say "I'm really sorry to hear that. Can you let us know by xx date if you've been able to find someone, as we'll need to let the venue know if you can't come / we'd like to invite someone else if you can't make it." Then make sure DP calls back on that date, just to check they are sorted.

You might actually do this for everyone who has children - I did this for my wedding, not that many people had kids then, but I did ring people in person and explain why and check that they were ok to sort a sitter. They were all delighted to have the excuse of a night off to let their hair down!

Also, if this is the case, you can always talk it up a bit about wanting to have nice grown up food, lots to drink etc and that it just isn't suitable for kids. Won't it be great for everyone to kick back and have the night off etc etc ..

YellowDinosaur · 13/03/2011 10:00

Hammy why on earth don't you just speak to them in advance of your wedding and explain why they really mustn't bring their children? While I think it would be very rude of them to just turn up with their children if they are not invited I also think if you really think they are likely to do this that it is rude of you to not speak to them in advance when they are travelling some distance to attend.

I just don't understand all this upset wondering about something that you can control by actually speaking to them to make sure they won't bring their children? Totally unneccessary stress!

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