Have you ever taken a child to a child-free wedding?

[Hammy02]

This isn't a rant about attitudes to children at weddings. Due to finances, I am having a v.small wedding (20 people for the ceremony & reception) so having to exclude lots of adults that we would rather have there. I am just worried that one of the couples we are inviting will ignore the no-children stipulation and bring theirs anyway. If they do, there will be no-where for them to sit as the room we have hired for the reception is a table for 20 only. Have you ever ignored the no-child comment on an invite?

FFS just tell them then. Why all this talk on the internet with random strangers but some strange unwillingness to talk to the people concerned to get it straight? I just don't get that at all. By virtue of the fact that you are inviting them to a small and intimate wedding they are clearly 2 of your closest friends yet you won't talk to them to clarify this rather fundamental point? Ridiculous imho.

YANBU to not want them to turn up with kids in tow as this would not only fundmentally change the sort of day you want but also there would not be room for them.

For whatever reason you think they might well ignore this. Therefore you HAVE to tell them. If they turn up with children having travelled from a long way away they will understandable be p*ssed off at being turned away. If they are self centred enough to do this, or if they have simply misinterpreted your invitation to think it is to the whole family, then they are not going to understand your point of view are they and your wedding will be spoilt with a fight or at least a disagreement. You are being naive to think you can palm this job off onto your mum when its such a small wedding - they will probably approach you assuming your mum has the wrong end of the stick.

YANBU to not want their children to come but YABVVVVU if you don't actually tell them this! And if you would prefer to risk a big bust up that might spell the end of your friendship than just have an adult conversation you are, imho, quite simply mad.

that anyone thinks they have a right to order OP to change her wedding plans to bring it more into line with what they feel is the one right and correct way to celebrate a marriage.

By the way I know I have already posted this (or similar anyway). But clearly you haven't heeded it (or the same advice offered by several others)as you are still asking the same question. I won't post again - if you can't be adult enough to talk to your close friends who are going to some effort to travel to your wedding then you only have yourself to blame if it all goes pear shaped on the day.

"A wedding celebration without children goes against the whole spirit of marriage where the service concentrates in no small part on procreation."

No it doesn't. I agree with thumbwitch, very small-minded, assuming that everyone has the kind of wedding that you had. Civil weddings in the UK do not mention children at all.

YellowDinosaur I expect the OP got the idea pretty early on, but the conversation continued. It's not her fault that lots of people wanted to continue discussing it.

I can't believe the poor OP is being accused of being self-indulgent and told to alter her wedding plans from a nice sit-down meal to a back room of a pub!

It's her wedding. She is hardly trying to rival the royal wedding with a small do with only 20 guests. She has presumably chosen a venue she likes, invited carefully chosen people, and I can't imagine it is costing a fortune on that scale. What on earth is wrong with any of that?

So she should change her preferences and book a venue that is cheaper and less nice than he can afford just so that she can invite children that she does not actually want there. Bloody hell.

FWIW I have no patience whatsoever with bridezillas, having been subjected to a few weddings that took the piss in terms of bridal demands and the expectations placed on the guests. But I hardly think the OP qualifies as a bridezilla with her 20 guest, nice meal, no children wishes.

This whole minefield makes me surer than ever about our elope-to-gretna-green plan, should we ever get round to getting married.

So many posts to read............but one question.....did Human and her husband intend to split their time between room/wedding and caring for kids.....did they inform the bride/groom that only one of them could be there for the meal? (great expense per head) or was she planning to gatecrash with kids from day one?

Hammy it is your (and the groom's ofcourse) day and you are entitled to have it exactly as you wish. We had kids at our wedding, as we have two of our own, therefore it gave them company and we also didn't drink to exess and they were very well looked after. However hubby and I love a good child free wedding, you can let your hair down! I would pre-warn the hotels wedding co-ordinator that it is an adult only event and if they see any children could they politely inform the parents of said gatecrashers that there is simply no room of provision for them and THAT NOTHING CAN BE DONE TO CHANGE THIS! That way you can relax and have fun.

Trillian the op posted this on Sat and has been on this am asking the same hence my somewhat frustrated reply.Probably shouldn't have been so harsh but I don't get why adults won't have an adult conversation with friends to stop a misunderstanding.

Totally agree with all recent posts expressing shock that people think they have the right to tell the op she should change her wedding (and is infact unreasonable to not do so) in order to accommodate this.

Hammy, Have the wedding you want. Of course you should. It sounds as if it will be lovely and the kind of day that will make you happy.

I wouldn't dream of taking my child to a child free wedding. never in a million years. And if something happened last minute that emant that I didn't have childcare for him, I simply wouldn't go.

DH and I had a child free wedding, and itw as great. Our reception venue seated 80 maximum due to health and safety requirements. If we had invited children of our guests, we would ahve only been able to invite 68 guests. By making it child free, we could ask another 12 couples. We are lucky to have lots of very good friends and close family members, so we really really wanted to ahve as many of those friends there as possible. We went for the friends over the children, and I'm so glad we did.

I have also been to a child free wedding since having DS, and it was great! We arranged childcare well in advance, and I absolutely loved being able to spend the lovely wedding day in adult company with my DH. Perfect.

Stick to your guns Hammy, but definitely make sure that you or your DP has that coversation with the couple in question well in advance of the big day. You don't want them to say something along the lines of "Well its too late for us to organise childcare now, you should have said earlier" as that prolongs the conversation and awkwardness.

Coming in late to this... but OP if you are that concerned about them bringing children, and would rather they didn't come if their only option is to bring them, why did you bother inviting them? If you have a maximum of 20 people attending then I would think these people are very important to you, more important than a strict policy on children?

It seems priority these days is all about everything being perfect for the bride and groom. I think it's really sad. Any other party/celebration you try your hardest to make it as enjoyable as possible for your guests, all this fretting about insignificant things that might happen take all the fun out, IMO.

The thought of anything ruining the day, bar a major catastrophe, just baffles me. Just chill the fuck out! Won't you just be enjoying getting wed and celebrating with those nearest and dearest, doubt you'd even notice the kids TBH, I didn't, and we had 15 at our wedding.

Sorry another 6 couples ie 12 guests*

Totally agree with those who say make your dp have the conversation with guests NOW.

Explain no children really means no children and if they arrive with children they won't be accommodated.

Then start worrying about something more fun

God, I wish I was invited to more childfree weddings!

I took DS1 to BIL's wedding when he was under a year old and it was a massive pain in the butt. DH was best man so was off doing stuff and I had to get myself and DS to the wedding in the middle of the countryside juggling carseat, buggy and my nice outfit all on my own (no car). And we were sat right at the front with the family so everyone could see him refusing to sit still, etc, etc. Had to keep an eye on him all night long instead of being social. It was really hard work.

DH's cousin had a child-free wedding and it was much more enjoyable TBH! Was able to relax and enjoy the day.

OP - if you think that this couple will go against your wishes then you really do ned to talk to them BEFORE the wedding otherwise it will just stress you out!

I think I've realised I don't really like weddings all that much! I mean, they're fine, but other kinds of parties are usually more fun in the end. I think we should actively encourage elopement again.

Squitten - you had a choice though, you could have chosen not to take your DS. People did just that at ours if they fancied a child free day.

That's fair enough Habbibu. We all have our own preferences (as guests and as the bride) and that's OK.

FWIW, some of the best weddings I have been to are indian weddings where hundreds of people are invited, even if it is just in a community hall and there isn't a drop of alcohol in sight. Everyone is so friendly and determined to have a good time, it doesn't matter if you don't know anyone from Adam. Or family weddings where I've spent most of the evening dancing with toddlers to cheesy pop on the dance floor.

I've been to some very expensive, exclusive weddings too but on the whole they haven't had the same sense of celebration and, as a guest, I didn't find them particularly welcoming either (especially where I attended on my own). I guess for me, marriage is about learning to live with other people - not just your new spouse but his family and friends - and welcoming others into your life, that it makes sense to me that the wedding day is a reflection of that - welcoming and all encompassing and maybe with a bit of compromise thrown in too.

Just my personal opinion though. I do get that others feel quite differently, as is evident on this thread and - as a guest - would respect that.

"family weddings where I've spent most of the evening dancing with toddlers to cheesy pop on the dance floor" yy, I like that too!

Mind you, toddlers at Scottish weddings are an added frisson of danger during a ceilidh...

I personally dislike weddings but if a person is going to make a fuss over their 'big day' (BOAK) they might as well make it a community event and have children present.

It makes me laugh when a couple who already have kids of their own bar other people's children from the proceedings.
If the snooty so- and -sos are that prim and proper, they shouldn't be having kids before marriage anyway.

Not everyone thinks that children add to an occassion. Hence childfree resort holidays, childfree weddings.

Just because you would choose to have children at your wedding, doesn't mean that someone else has to have them at theirs.

Yes, receiver - hence my words 'i do get that others feel quite differently'.

I don't want DCs at my wedding... if one cried/made any noise at all during the service it would ruin it for me. Neither do I want them running around at the reception. Is it that controversial?

apparently so, happiestblonde. Some people don't seem to think that it matters if anyone can hear the vows over little Tarquin's bleating contribution, because the wedding isn't about the vows as much as the "wider community" and children.

sorry, if NO ONE can hear the vows...