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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to despise my bro

132 replies

Flojo1979 · 10/03/2011 22:56

Fuming!
My bro moved to other end of country and met his wife, since then he has never spent a Xmas here tho visits relatively regularly.
I think its selfish of him and wife to always spend it at her parents home and not with our parents.
His wife is now pregnant and acts like she's the only pregnant woman on the planet.
It's my mums 60th this wkend and she can't possibly travel in a car for 4 hrs while pregnant so isn't coming and now my bro just announced he'll only be coming for one night cos his wife has back ache and can't possibly spare him. So he's going home day b4 my mums actually bday. I live in walking distance of my folks and my partner left me when I was 4m pregnant with dc2 so I coped!
AIBU to be angry that my bro and his wife r completely selfish?
Resisted the urge to tell them this via text. Maybe when there son arrives i'll ask them how they'd feel if he fked off to other end of country and they spent every Xmas wondering what they did to deserve him not bothering.

OP posts:
MadameDefarge · 11/03/2011 00:25

No no, you misunderstand, we all think you probably should say how you feel.

Clear the air.

That kind of thing.

Might be the best thing you could do.

Original poster
Flojo1979 · 11/03/2011 00:25

Don't give it chance? Whenever she comes up I jump when she clicks, and we chat and everything is fine, in spite of her omg I've broken a nail routine. After 8 yrs I guess I just got vexed by jumping when they clicked again.

OP posts:
roomonthebroom · 11/03/2011 00:26

You have no capacity to understand the feelings of others at all. So she did have trouble TTC then. Add 'emotionally inadequate' and 'a bit thick' to your long list of undesirable personality traits. Your SIL already knows this about you by the way, that's why you hate her so much.

AyeRobot · 11/03/2011 00:27

Anyone wondering if there is another AIBU from the past few years giving a very different version of events?

MadameDefarge · 11/03/2011 00:28

SIL perchance?

Look OP, if you jump when she clicks her fingers, then ou only have yourself to blame. You are a responsible adult. You can change the dynamic if you want.

Original poster
Flojo1979 · 11/03/2011 00:32

I guess I should wait and continue to jump thro hoops and hope when they have ds they will appreciate how hard it is to jump when u have kids to organise. If not it'll no doubt read AIBU that my bro cancelled cos the baby puked on the rug!

OP posts:
lililolo · 11/03/2011 00:32

Many years ago I was in hospital and due to have an emergency operation the day before oh was due to go home for his Christmas visit. When he cancelled his sister threw her toys out of the pram and hardly spoke to us for most of the following year. Everything is fine now, on the surface, but i have never forgiven the selfish cow and I do remember it when considering how much I put myself out for her tbh.

Some men are protective of their wives when they are expecting (mine was) and we miss each other if we spend a lot of time apart. I don't think he is doing anything wrong and you risk permenantly spoiling your relationship with them and future niece / nephew if you carry on.

Original poster
Flojo1979 · 11/03/2011 00:35

But its always been the dynamic, my bro has always been the clever one so there for listened to one.
I wouldn't say I was thick tho, I also have a degree and good job just not very articulate.

OP posts:
HalfPastWine · 11/03/2011 00:35

His wife may come across to you as 'needy' but basically he accepts and loves her for it otherwise he wouldn't have married her. Also, like one poster said, maybe he doesn't want to stay longer than one night. We all think differently as to how much time we should spend with our parents, maybe he doesn't feel he needs to see them as often as you think he should.
I think deep down you are upset that he has gone to the 'other side', and by that I mean her side of the family. This happens a lot when people get married, their priorities change but it doesn't mean he loves his own parents less.
Try not to let it get to you :)

Emmanana · 11/03/2011 00:35

OP, I'm sorry to hear that your DP left when you were pregnant. and also that you suffered health issues.
Understandably this caused you a lot of hurt, and this now seems to be manifesting itself as vitriolic anger.
With so much anger inside you, you are going to be the one that ultimately pays the price for letting the negativity and resentment fester away.

Being presumptious about and casting judgement on others (i.e your B/SIL, their lifestyle choices, their decisions) in order to justify your outbursts, is harming only you. And it says much more about you than it does them.

You're not close to your brother, and I doubt he cares what you think. Do the same. Live your life, and concentrate on your DC, and your relationship with your parents.

Your level of anger and bitterness is slightly worrying. Do you think it is maybe worth talking with your GP, to see if they can arrange some counselling, as you seem to have a lot of things eating away at you. Talking with someone may help.

roomonthebroom · 11/03/2011 00:35

Don't jump through hoops then. Get a life instead.

Joolyjoolyjoo · 11/03/2011 00:37

But how has she "clicked her fingers"? And in what way have you gone running (in this instance)?

She doesn't want to do the long drive, especially as she has backache and is heavily pregnant. Your brother is still coming, albeit not for the exact date that you wanted him to come, but he is coming.

Fair enough, you might make the effort to see them when they visit, but given that they have made the effort to drive from the other end of the country, I think that's probably only polite. Does your SIL really click her fingers and demand your presence? If she does (which I doubt) why be a martyr? It's not hard to say pleasantly that you'd love to see them, but you have other plans, and you hope they have a nice visit.

Original poster
Flojo1979 · 11/03/2011 00:38

I think our relationship is already spoilt beyond repair but I was hoping this baby would help him see the importance of family and he'd make the effort to see me (he hasn't been to see me once in the 8 yrs, just my folks to which I'm expected to come at drop of hat).

OP posts:
roomonthebroom · 11/03/2011 00:38

Emmanana makes good points OP.

MadameDefarge · 11/03/2011 00:40

Well, I can see how hurtful it would be if your brother simply goes to your parents house, and has never been to yours at all. Presumably you feel he has never been there for you.

has he refused invitations?

MadameDefarge · 11/03/2011 00:43

I have three brothers myself, and all three are irredeemably useless when it comes to getting in touch.

that's just how they are.

We enjoy each others company when we do see each other. And we have a good bond.

Its just not the same as with my sister.

Original poster
Flojo1979 · 11/03/2011 00:45

Me n my bro always fought as kids right up til he left for uni and from there moved south. I tried to smooth over the cracks, made him godfather to my ds etc but he's always cold to me and scoffs when I talk but he's my bro so I do make the effort but it seems one sided to me but Iabu so I'm,off to,hide under a rock til feel less vexed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flojo1979 · 11/03/2011 00:50

Yes I invite him and I guess he doesn't want to come and I often say things like I must come see your new house I've heard so much about, or how bout I holiday down there and stop by, but never once been invited. It hurts but as a said I think my bro feels we never got on as kids and we have little in common now so no point. I just wish in last 6 yrs since my ds he'd take him to park or something while on visit.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 11/03/2011 00:51
MadameDefarge · 11/03/2011 00:55

OP, this information would have been useful a little earlier on in the thread.

We can only judge by what you tell us.

You might know all this, but we can't possibly unless you tell us.

Joolyjoolyjoo · 11/03/2011 01:09

Agree with MadameDeFarge. I think because you sounded so bitter and angry earlier in the thread, most of us felt you were BU.

I think the real issue here is that you are hurt by the lack of relationship you have with your brother, and the way he behaves towards you. If this had been your original AIBU then people probably wouldn't have been so abrupt

as you say yourself, OP, you have your family and friends around you. Enjoy them, and try not to focus too much on your brother, would be my advice. Enjoy celebrating your mum's birthday with her- it won't all stand or fall around your brother.

Morloth · 11/03/2011 01:13

I think I can see why he doesn't want to be around TBH.

You sound like a royal PITA.

Emmanana · 11/03/2011 01:14

Your priority are your DC, and more importantly, yourself; and it follows if Mum is happy, then so will your kids be. Look after yourself. Being left while PG must be incredibly difficult, not to mention dealing with the grief of 3 MC. You don't have to 'roll your sleeves up'. Your GP will be able to help you. You owe it to yourself.
One step at a time. Firstly, get someone to help you, then when you're feeling a little better about yourself and life, then tackle all the other issues one at a time. At the moment it sounds like you have so many things going on in your mind; bit like a plate spinner trying to keep 6 plates going at a time. However good Mums are at multi-tasking, theres never anything wrong in asking for a bit of help once in a while.
So just concentrate on you and the DC's for the time being. You can't be responsible or accountable for how your B treats others. As much as you want to protect, and ensure your Mum is treated well; with you getting in a stew over how someone else is treating her, it's not going to change things. I'm sure she will be happier knowing you are looking after yourself and DC, and doing everything to ensure the relationship between you and her is happy.

macdoodle · 11/03/2011 07:38

I still don't get how this is your SILs fault or why you hate her so much? Are you jealous she has a good relationship with your brother. You sound quite consumed with bitterness which is very unpleasant to be around.

brass · 11/03/2011 09:28

The whole tone of your post is so unpleasant it's not surprising they stay away.