To want/expect a holiday, even though we have been a bit skint?

[carmenelectra]

Basically I am really, really pissed off a DP today.

I discussed booking this years family holiday with him yesterday and completely put me off.

We go abroad every year and it is the one thing i really, really enjoy. I very rarely go out or have weekends away anymore, so its the big thing I look forward to. I am willing to sacrifice everything for a wk in the sun.

Now the last couple of years we(I) have overcommitted ourselves finacially and last year things were at times very tough. My Dp put off all of my holidays plans and asked me to wait 'to see how it goes'.

Well, it went nowhere. I usually book up quite early and take advanatge of cheaper flights and longer to pay the holiday off, get spending money clothes etc. As I waited to see how money panned out, we didn't get a holiday at all. I was furious at first, but as I understood most of our outgoings were due to my overspending I accepted it.

Roll on to this year. DP is basically saying he doesnt think we have the spare cash upfront which is true. However, I suggested booking the holiday giving ourselves the incentive and then wotking at paying it of. I have a well paid job and gets lots of regular overtime with very good pay. Dp is the same.

Now he is saying that to go away in the summer we would have to put 'X' away each month and he doesnt think it's feasible.

I thought it was all quite 'doable', but now he has put a huge spanner in the works and put a real dampener on the whole thing.

I think deep down he isnt that bothered about a holiday, he can take it or leave it, hence the lack of enthusiasum.

Now I know some people are going to say that we shouldnt be having luxuries like hols if we have been short of cash, but I disagree. I am talking about a hol in Europe, no biggy.

So am i being unreasonable when I work all hours god sends, to expect a bloody weeks holiday?

belgro

"Iam a very loving considerate partner with a good sense of humour. I can wrap him around my little finger if I want to, but not in a disrespctable way."

Reading your op and following posts, you do not come across as being a loving, considerate partner at all. Plus wrapping your partner around your little finger, or even implying you could, is not respectful at all, even if you try and say it isn't.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell speaks alot of sense. You should be lisening.

"My DP has a sporting hobby which he spends approx £60 a mth on. I have nothing like that. All I BLOOMIN' want is a week away. We go abroad every year and it is the one thing i really, really enjoy. I very rarely go out or have weekends away anymore, so its the big thing I look forward to."

Your dps £60 per month hobby shouldn't even come into it. He hasn't created debt, you have. So he shouldn't be made to feel bad over something he enjoys, because he hasn't caused the family debt has he. You have had your party and now you are paying the price for it.

It sounds like he has worked out the money and decided by looking at the figures that it isn't feasible to have a holiday this year. But you have stamped your feet and had a tantrum.

Would be interested to know how old your dc are op. I hope they aren't picking up on the fact that daddy is saying no, we can't afford a holiday this year and mummy is whining until she gets her way!

I can wrap him around my little finger if I want to, but not in a disrespctable way.

But even saying or acknowledging that you could is disrespectful, cant you see that?

I am sure that if I put my mind to it I could manipulate a hell of alot of people to get my own way but I have far too much respect for them to do that. And more importantly I have too much respect for myself to do it!

I agree with Icing that while you may say that you are loving and considerate and resectful etc, your actions so far and your comments on here dont back that up at all. It seems to me that you only have love, consideration or respect for him when he is giving you your own way. The second he says no, you treat him very badly until he gives in. And that will destroy a relationship because no person can reasonably expect to have to live with that.

Consolidated debt isn't the same as 'paid off'.

Find an affordable hol, (e.g book the cheap ferry deals on offer atm, drive to the Bordeux coast, independently rent a gite), do a budget and show your DH how it can be paid over the year, leaving you your regular expenses plus a clear margin.

Is he still resentful about the debt?

frgr, why on earth would have I been trolling?

I have been a member of this forum for a few yrs- maybe 3 or 4. Why would i be interpreted as a troll.

Some of the posters who have replied have been mighty serious about what in reality, is not a very serious topic.

Our mortgage is low and our repayments are up to date. We pay all of our bills.

I run up my credit cards whilst on mat leave and was earning less. These cards are now gone. Our debt os consolidateed.

The fact that my debts are consolidated means that there is actually more money spare. Now I know that i am not paying 'extra' off each month to clear them, but thats my business. My DP does not plan on us doing this either.

I would like a holiday. My DP doesn not see this this as prioty. He isn't planning on slapping any more cash on the debts that we have. He just basically wants to see how the year pans out.

Why are so many posters acting as though we are going to lose our house or something??

I do tend to live for now to some degree, but I am not massively irresponsible! There are some serious over reactions to this thread!

i asked if i was unreasonable for expecting a holiday at the end of a very busy year, not for posters to tellme that i am selfish or should be ashamed or that I need financial advice!!

All of these posts and so few who will actually admit to having any debts themselves alongside a normal life! Are you all saints

No my Dp is Not resentful about the debt, which as i keep stating is not huge>

I am still interseted to hear how big a mortgage taht some of you have? Like I ahve said mine is less than £50 000, actually its less than 40. I really hope no one with a bigger mortgage goes on holidays without making extra mortgage payments. I might add that our mortgage finishes in 2014. So can some of you get the picture that actually we are not massively in the shit.

My own mother died early, in her 60's. My MIL almost died last year. It was a miarcle that she survived. Her and my FIL have no mortgage and lots of savings. They are saving their cash for a rainy day or something like that- or saving it for their grown up children(?).

My MIL didnt go on holiday last year becaus she had a biggish job done on her house. She could quite esily have afforded both. If either of them dropped dead tomorrow as my own mother did at that age what good would all their money be then.

I am not gonna be like that. Or anything close to that.

I want to do nice things and go to nice places with my Dp and DC's while we are still young.

If I lived by the very restricted rules that some of the posters on here go by, I would be doing fuck all for the next 5 years. I will be knocking on 50 then and won't even look good in my bikini

Oh and sonnet, no I can't save and go away in the October half term as I cannot get that week off work.

If I could go away later then I would. I did actaully say this at one point, that after the main summer, my next holidays are too close to Christmas.

I am not stupid, I have looked at all options.

There is no spare cash if you have debts. IMO mortgages are different as long as the house is worth more than the mortgage because worse case you could sell the house and be debt free.

Have you read the thread where the OP was asking about debt? Someone on there commented on how so many 'nice' middle class people just can't believe that poverty will happen to them, so they just keep on spending. It can happen you know, to anyone. It doesn't take much more than a run of bad luck and you could be up shit creek.

Why did you ask if you are so sure you are right?

It sounds like you are fishing for validation of your decision to rail road your partner, you aren't willing to actually consider the advice and opinions of those who don't agree with you. Do what you want, it sounds like you are used to getting your own way. Don't bother asking if you aren't willing to hear the answer.

If my partner's continual spending stopped me from going on holiday I'd be pretty pissed off. OP, reign in the spending through the year then you can go on holiday. Resist the temptation to shop even if you do see that 'must have' bargain!!! I'm suprised your DP hasn't told you to cut out the spending. :)

"If either of them dropped dead tomorrow as my own mother did at that age what good would all their money be then. I am not gonna be like that. Or anything close to that. I want to do nice things and go to nice places with my Dp and DC's while we are still young."

Theres a huge difference between saving money and not spending it and spending money to the extent that you have debts and would rather buy something else rather than pay the people you owe.

It must be a fair amount of debt if you had to consolidate it and your DP is right to pay that off first before spending money on luxuries that can easily be done without.

Your DP sounds sensible and you sounds like a spoilt little child. Having debts make you far more vunerable should something happen for the worse. I cant even imagine owing money (ex mortgage) and deciding to go on holiday rather than clear debts as its just plain silly. Then again, we dont buy anything we cant afford in the first place as I dont subscribe to the "i want it now culture" and think its madness to get into debt for luxuries etc.

As another poster has said hopefuly your children are far too young to watch you stamp your feet and learn that its fine to spend money to the extent of large debts because "you want nice things and to go to nice places".

I haven't read the whole thread but how much would you usually spend on a holiday? If your DP is going by those figures in his head then why not cut it down and do something at half the cost.

Depending on your children's age and views on taking them out of school, could you go away first week in September or in June/July when it's a bit cheaper? Can you look at flights with Ryanair or Easyjet and travel light so you don't rake up huge charges on luggage (again, dependent on age of children as to what luggage you'll need). Have you considered camping? You could drive to somewhere in France or Spain and camp. There are some lovely little campsites by the coast in the Costa Brava. You can also then cook a few meals on a BBQ as well to avoid eating out.

Look at ways in which you can cut down on your holiday spend and present it to your partner. Make a list of how you propose to pay. For e.g. how much cash do you have spare this month? Would it be enough to cover a ferry/Eurotunnel? If so book it. Then work out cost for a campsite for a week plus spending. Divide that up by the amount of months until you plan to go and save that amount.

Once you have all that info then maybe your DH will be happier about things! :)

how much do you need to put by a month to pay for it? i say go and book it, you only live once.

Thanks for the replies again.

Can't go away any other time other than the time I have planned as this year I have been very unlucky with the annual leave at work. Otherwise I would have more scope. I am very limited.

WE do not spend a huge amount on holidays abroad. Usually,(as i have mentioned lots of times)we book independently. Don't really do the package as such. Whilst some flights are cheap within the EU- Spain etc. The cost of living is really expensive. Food and drink in bars and restauarants cost as much ifnot more than the UK. Therefore, we need to go outside of EU areas where food drink and hotels are waay cheaper but the flights are dearer. It still works out cheaper though. Remember that i have to pay for 4 flights as say £200 each, luggage isn't included anymore.

I have looked at all variations and I am very clued up with holidays so I know all the travel companies to look at and I do through all the big names. I looked at aplace we have been to before which we paid £1300 half board for a wk in Aug. With a main travel company that same ho, was nearly £3,000 B&B!!

I don't really mean to be rude but I do not need advice on how or where to go as this is one area i most certainly shop around for. I do not go looking for luxury 5* hotels

I guess, yes, I was looking for validation with my post.

I will add, that I still do not agree that its not the same having a mortgage as other debts. For example most people that I know have very big mortgages that they will be paying until they are in their 60's. My one friend has a mortgage of a thousand pounds a month. Mine isnt even half that.

Yes she could sell if she got into difficulty, but I would not have to do that if I could not pay my other debts. As all the monthly repayments do not even come near to that. Credit card companies and loand with banks are usually reasonable in taking reduced payments if you fall into difficulties. Not that i am planning this, of course.

AS for how much Id need to put away each month, well NOW, it would be a fair bit due to the time scale. Hence my argument with DP that it is best to book ahead so that you can plan better.

So if finances are on solid ground, payments under control etc, why does DP not want to go? Sounds odd?

My mum & dad & PIL died early too, and I understand your pov. The only good thing about money is what you can do with it - how it can enhance your life. Some saving and some provision for emergencies/job loss/ill health/retirement essential, but not all consuming. If after this there is spare then spend by all means.

If you have debts, they ought to take precedent, after all if one or both of you loses job and monthly income shrinks, will you be able to cover evrything? Savings are so important. Fine to live for today if tomorrow you are comfortable you have a buffer should normal life change. Not dull, just adds to enjoying other stuff if you know you have an element of security.
Am stunned that if both of you have good jobs, small mortgage, you have no savings??

Ultimately it's down to you - your decision, and if you're fine with it then what did you come on here for if not just to have a moan? Between you & your DP - he's the one you live with/share financial stuff, so you should be squaring it with him.

I am a little confused about something here because it doesn't quite add up. Your morgage is less then 50 thousand, i am assuming it is somewhere nearer to 5o thousand then not because if it was say, 30 thousand, you would have said. It will be paid off by 2014, so only 3 or 4 years a way and your paying less then £500 per month on a morgage. It doesn't add up?

Someone may owe more then you on their morgage by surely that depends on how far in they are. Someone still oweing 200 thousand on their morgage 3 years in is not the same as someone oweing 200 thousand 18 years in iyswim.

Er Icingonthecakes, just to clarify. The mortgage is £35,000. That is how much we took out when we bought the house years ago. Our house was more than that,but we had a big deposit, so small mortgage. We took it over 20 yrs (i think). It was an average priced house back then. Our payments are low. I do have other committments of course.

Hope that clarifies it for you, so that you now do not need to try and trip me up.

Ok I asked for advice on a not very serious matter and got a lot of uneccessary quizzing and judgement on my finances from a number of nosey parkers.

Those of you that have just a mortgage(but bigger than mine, i bet) no debt and sensible savings, well done.

Some of you sound a barrel of laughs

carmenelectra, I'll look forward to seeing you on the money boards in a couple of years - please make sure you don't change usernames so that we have the full history to refer to, though!

Yanbu to want a holiday, YABU to expect one.
You tripped yourself up with the wording in your title.

I want lots of things and occasionally get p'd off if I can't have them but I don't expect anything - be thankful for a loving husband who cares about getting your finaces sorted.

Good luck for a holiday next year

Sorry - I was trying to be helpful with my tips but sounds as though I may have offended so apologies if I have.

I know you've now said you are clued up on who to go with but just to add you'll rarely being getting the cheapest deal through any travel agents regardless of their size or name! I suggest you may want to look again at doing it independently

If you are desperate for a holiday then self catering or camping might just be it. The eating out at restaurants youmention isn't the only option and actually if you self cater you are basically using your usual food budget whilst somewhere sunnier so barely counts as holiday costs! If my DP didn't want a holiday as he was worried about finances then that would be the option I'd be looking to show him as it would prove to him I am trying to cut back rather just live up to the expectations I had in the past when I did have more cash available (if that makes sense).

good point, Icing. sub-£29k tops by end 2014, being generous.
No mortgage here.

I just don't know how you can think the way you do about money though, don't the debts worry you?

We recently changed countries and our buffer took a hell of a battering and it makes me feel very tense not having a really good buffer actually being in the red would make me feel sick.

Just hammer down the debt this year and go off on holiday next year debt free.

I would love a couple of weeks in the Whitsundays, but while I have more than enough sitting in the bank to pay for that, then we wouldn't have any left in the bank if DH lost his job or our tenants moved out and we couldn't get new ones, or the car was totalled and I had to pay the excess for a new one, or the kids needed braces and there was a big co-payment etc.

Doesn't this stuff worry you?

£500x48 is only £24,000.

How would you have cleared a £35,000 mortgage by 2014?

I am actually curious here.

We just had our house valued in readiness for selling and it is worth $600k our mortgage is at $78k.

YABU - Totally.
Not had a holiday for 5 years, not becuase we are skint, but because we budget (have you heard of that word?) and we have not had spare money to save for a holiday. Would never ever dream of putting a holiday on the credit cards either, if you don't have the cash at the time, then save, save and save. Thanks to my savings, we can now go on a holiday this year, not a biggy, just a week in my mums mates caravan in BOgnor (WHAT BOGNOR? I hear you MNs saying? How common, not like teh piste in Italy or anything posh) But my kids, my DH and I will enjoy every minute of it knowing we are not getting into debt just for a holiday.
Live in the real world for christs sake.

TBH Morloth, it doesn't sound like figures are carmenelectra's strong point. If they were, she wouldn't be in this mess with debt.