to think women are still fanciable at forty

[rozbury]

DH and myself had a recent night out with a friend and her DH and the conversation got around to age gaps in relationships. We are all in our 40s.

My friend's DH then came out with the statement "all men in their forties and fifties would be with a 20 something woman if they had the opportunity". He then asked my DH if he would rather be with a 20 something woman. Luckily for him, my DH was too embarrassed to answer and changed the subject.

This comment has been on my mind abit because since having the kids I struggle to see myself as attractive anyway and now I'm looking at my DH thinking am I too old for him, even though he is 5 years older than me!!

I know loads of gorgeous women in their 40s so is this guy just a sexist pig or is there an element of truth in what he is saying?

that is so wrong. I've had more compliments and propositions from blokes in their 40s and 50s since I hit 40 myself.

On a shallow level there might be an element of truth (ie guys might spontaneously fancy younger women) but he's a sexist pig.
There are loads of gorgeous 40 something women, they are also more mature, confident, have more conversation and know what they want in bed.

Your friend's DH is a bit of a tosser really.

YANBU - I am turning 40 in 3 weeks and 4 days and I am gorgeous even if I say so myself.

Seriously, I feel better and look better than I did when I was in my 20's!

I don't think the guy is a sexist pig for saying that, just a bit unthinking and insensitive to his company.

I think there is some truth in the comment, OP, "nature's green is gold" and all that, but there are some really attractive older ladies, not just in looks but in attitude. That's something that only comes with age and experience I think.

Try not to dwell on that comment, your DH is with you and that's that.

Hopes so as turns 40 next year.(where did the last 20 years go?)

I think (as a 42 year old woman) that 40 year old women are more attractive. They are wiser, more confident, more self-assured, more reliable ... that is because that is all I see in a 40 year old woman.

Of course I am looking at it from a different angle from your DH. He is thinking sex and excitement, pert boobs and flat abdomens.

I think you need input from some men.

Fascinating post, though. I shall lurk.

Of course women are still fanciable. Personally I'd still give Kylie one.

But if I am honest, the older a woman gets, the less "attractive" in general they are. I'm sure it's the same for men but I don't really go around oggling men.

As a society, rightly or wrongly we place a lot of value on youth.

Element of truth because some (not all) middle-aged men are rather immature & insecure and feel more comfortable with an obedient twenty-something than a intelligent, attractive woman their own age. It's a combination of vanity, insecurity and a refusal to accept they're getting old....

Your DH presumably has more character, is more secure and loves you for who you are.

well I think it is natural to find youth attractive. It is not all about the smoother skin, thicker hair and the slimmer or toned shape. Youth has an attractiveness, something sweet and positive often. Men of all ages do turn to look at a pretty young woman, she'll catch eyes

I don't think you stop being attractive in your 40s necessarily but the attraction is a bit differentm aybe. That man sounds a bit stupid putting your dh on the spot like that and making you feel uncomfortable. What was dh supposed to say and how were you supposed to feel?

Try to shrug it off and forget it. I don't know what his point was. Is he single then?

Oh yes, and you can't overlook nature's impulse for a man to mate with a fertile female.

A 40 year old woman is simply not as fertile.

Of course they are. We just live in a youth-obsessed paternalistic culture that teaches men to think less of women as they age, and men like your friend's DH are brainwashed by it.

YADNBU. And he's a dickcheese.

But pointless saying that very often (mostly even?) the young'uns don't have a bit of an edge on the purely physical side. Some time back I taught a gruop of 19 and 20 year olds at uni & was struck by how beautiful youth is. All that lovely dewy skin, those Bambi limbs, their clear eyes. Never felt such a ragged old crone in my life. I was 26

I am definitely less visible than I was. No wolf-whistles or comments when I walk past builders. Which as it happens is very nice BUT it's more and more noticeable as I wave goodbye to my early 40s....

I hope that doesn't mean that I'm an old minger (well no more than I was anyway .

PS. And yes, of course youth is attractive. But it's in a different way, and it applies to both genders.

I fancy women of all ages, genuinely, from 20-60. That's in real life.

I find women of my own age (around 40) the most interesting.
I like 'Mature' porn - women 35-45. And other types.

YANBU but...

I think he has a point (which should not have been aired in public). People are more attractive in their 20s on the whole than post-40 when the skin tone goes and the wrinkles set in. PEOPLE - not women specifically but people.

The correct response would have been to look him up and down with disdain and reply "So would most women. And?"

Your DH should have said 'no.'

Fortunately for those of us blessed with a middle-aged man for a partner, even if the man finds the twenty-something irresistibl, most twenty-somethings think thirty is ancient, forty is geriatric and fifty is one step away from the crematorium.....

And have you ever noticed how the middle-aged men who say this kind of thing are paunchy, balding and have a face like a bag of spanners?

Stupid comment. In my opinion, the most beautiful women in the world (kristin Scott Thoman, Isabella Rossellini, Juliet Binoche, Emmanuelle Beart) etc are all well into their 40s and 50s.

I think (hope) the key is to be comfortable ion your own skin, to feel sexy, vibrant, powerful.

I would also like to practice what i preach! (45, overweight a bit.)

wouldn't we all annabel?!

Of course youth can be attractive. I can't help checking out very young men on the street sometimes, just in awe of their beauty.
Doesn't mean I necessarily want to shag them though.
(Usually.)
It's a different thing for me-the aesthetic thing and the randomness of sexual attraction.

I do think though, that things are so loaded against women in this area, because in the media a woman who is over forty is described as "an older woman".

Ever hear Brad Pitt or even George Clooney described as " an older man"?

I am not yet "an older woman" but I am starting to feel like I have a frikkin sell by date on me.
Interestingly though, the older I get, the more young men check me out!
Seriously.
Maybe that's nature's way of evening up the score?
Although not sure I want to be someone's "older woman experience!"

I never though people were 'ancient' in their 40s when I was in my twenties, I thought they were grown up.

Some people seem to think you go from young to old overnight. What about the middle bit? Can't you be 'mature' for a bit before you are 'old'?

Also people can be 'old' in their twenties. It's attitude, not anything to do with looks.

Erm..what?! He said that in front of his wife? And she didn't punch him?!

My DH has always had a bit of a thing for the older lady (lucky as I'm all of 1 year older than him!). Over the years he's expressed interest in Susan Kennedy from Neighbours, Carol Vorderman and Catherine Willows from CSI. All are older than him by a good couple of decades. Not all men are twats the same.

Hmm, looking at that list it makes it look like he has a thing for the mumsy-type. He really doesn't, my brain couldn't come up with any more examples though!