To be "confused" about people's relationships on MN?

[AnnyR]

I have only been reading these forums for a few weeks and am increasingly confused/worried about many people's reactions relationships.

There seems to be a stock answer of "kick him out" or "leave him" when someone is having a bad time with their DH or DP. Is this why we have such a high divorce rate at the moment?

I wonder because I think that no-one is perfect and there is no such thing as a perfect relationship. Having been married for nearly 25 years I know that it is hard to stick it out sometimes. Both of us have done things to hurt and upset the other over the years, but we stick together for loads of reasons. Mainly because we ultimately love each other. And because we have DC who need both of us.

Obviously, cases of domestic violence are different - I don't think you should always stay together no matter what. Also, I am not religious and didn't make vows in church, so I am not coming from that angle either.

But why are so many Mumsnetters so quick to advise people to leave?

I am genuinely confused and sad :(

i agree it is the stock answer.

I too am always surprised at the amount of 'kick him out' replies, especially on the relationships board.

It makes me wonder if it's because it's simply easy to type and the posters are not in that situation, or if they really do have such little respect for children that they would suggest the parents splitting up for often quite trivial reasons?

Yes, there do seem to be some overreactions on here, but also some good advice. I guess it's just different opinions.

I don't know what threads you've been reading. When people are advised to call time on a relationship, it's usually for a very good reason.

There is a certain type of behaviour which is very text book. People who love each other don't treat each other with disrespect/leave their partner with the children all the time to go out drinking/cheat and not show any remorse/cheat and lie and lie and lie

all good reasons to end a relationship. Perhaps your bar is a bit low OP?

Perhaps you need to justify having 'invested' 25 years in to your relationship?

ps, I think the 'stock' answer if there is one is 'go for counselling'. Even when it's quite obvious that the man concerned is just a selfish abusive user.

I know what you mean OP

Sometimes staying in a marriage that has a few small problems and wanting to work through it is seen as a weakness/lack of self respect

we all make mistakes, and can forgive and move on if we love each other and yes, i agree, especially where kids are concerned

violence or emotional abuse are exceptional circs as you say

Imo sometime when you have been reading similar things for a while, patterns of behaviour can appear to happen - so one story see,s to have the same core issues as many others. For some people who have been in similar situations, it may seem obvious that they shouldn't be in that relationship, but then obviously every relationship is different and only the op really knows whats going on.

I think people post to get a range of views, but hopefully don't feel pushed into any particular course of action. But I agree there are quite a lot of leave him type posts at a lot of scenarios.

Well it is only advice really, not a diktat - surely we call all stand back from advice, no matter how persuasive, and make our own decisions?

VS - the things you list are not minor IMO they are the sign of being with the wrong person - someone immature and selfish who treats the wife with no respect at all

I think it is just the dull but obvious answer that different people have different experiences and different ideas of what constitutes a healthy relationship.

Every posting - everyone - brings their personal history, experiences and therefore opinions and prejudices, to the board so that is part of why people post as they do.

But to say that people who say 'leave him' don't care about trying to make a relationship work or about the children involved is just as glib and nonsensical as saying that anyone who says ' compromise is part of a healthy relationship' has low standards.

I like the range of answers . It is helpful.

Ouch, ValiumSingleton! No, I don't feel any need to justify it and my bar isn't low. I am old enough to have had more than one long-term relationship and know that they need work to keep them on track. Also to be able to tell a good one from a bad one.

Perhaps I've just been reading the more extreme threads!

Your children don't need both of you if one of you's a twat. That's why so many are told to get rid.

I can't believe you're blaming mumsnet for the high divorce rate, rofl. Also I like how you blame it on women for not putting up with shitty treatment instead of on men for shitty treatment.

its deffo MN STOCK ANSWER

my dh didn't wash his plate,,,

KICK HIM OUT HES A BASTARD WHO DOESN'T RESPECT YOU

i often wonder if we should have a dropdown list, to cut down on the stock answers

leave him, he's a twat
you are being gaslighted
you are being stonewalled
he/they/you are passive aggressive
read a book about it
ring womens aid
its a toxic relationship
he's abusive/controlling (combined with no.1)

its all so predictable :(

I always am wary about the relationship topics especially those postings in the AIBU. They are usually the 1st port of call for trolls and often I think it is an unfair way in that the person/DH/partner/friend/relation has no right of reply or chance to defend themselves - things are inferred or situation/important information is drip fed.

I kind of also think that leopards don't change their spots and sometimes people aren't here for advice or wanting to hear anything other than what they want to hear.

sourdoughface - didn't you forget the 'is s/he depressed?? answer

also, for exactly the same situations, if the "victim" is female its all leave the twat, if its male its oh the poor wifey must be ill/depressed/sad, you should leave the twat

two examples are the I dont want to drive/OH doesnt want to drive

and I am flirting and texting a man at work/all the other ones where OH is texting and flirting with the woman at work

you couldnt make it up its so blatent lol, me and OH sit her laughing our socks off at the daftness and gullibility

I think it's just because people don't post when they are having a perfectly fine relationship so it's very one sided. All we see are the ones having problems.

Also the ones having problems by the time they post it often does seem pretty bad. I don't think there's anything wrong with them being told they shouldn't put up with it, maybe some men out there will try a bit harder in future if enough women don't put up with all the rubbish from them.

The only time there are lots of "leave him" type responses are when it's very obvious that the man is abusive or a serial cheater etc.

I do think however, that having exceptionally high standards and expectations when it comes to your partner's behaviour is a very good thing, I can't believe half the stuff that some women on here allow their partner get away with, then they wonder why things go horribly wrong.

It's inevitable that people bring their own experiences to it - there are people who are so happy they've got out of a horrible relationship, and people who adore being single, and I think it's natural for them to think that getting rid of the partner is a quick step to happiness.

No one is forcing you to do what someone on the internet says, and it's not as if plenty of other people don't always come along to give the opposite view.

I know how you feel though: I have to admit I was kicking myself when I realized I'd totally misunderstood someone posting on one of my threads - I'd assumed from what she said that she had experience in the sort of situation, but she didn't. It wasn't her trying to show off or anything like that, just a warning that when you're a bit down and posting a relationship-type thread, you've got to remember the replies aren't the infallible Voice of Reason, they're just normal people.

I can kind of see your point, OP, but I did LOL at this:

Is this why we have such a high divorce rate at the moment?

Reason for divorce: mumsnet said.

Pagwatch: "But to say that people who say 'leave him' don't care about trying to make a relationship work or about the children involved is just as glib and nonsensical as saying that anyone who says ' compromise is part of a healthy relationship' has low standards."

Don't think I said that at all!

Rinabean: "I can't believe you're blaming mumsnet for the high divorce rate, rofl. Also I like how you blame it on women for not putting up with shitty treatment instead of on men for shitty treatment."

I wasn't blaming MN for the divorce rate - maybe I could have phrased it better! Also, I don't think I said anything about women putting up with shitty treatment. I actually think it's got very little to do with gender - I suppose it comes across like that because Mumsnetters are mainly female?

I do believe that women should stand up for themselves in a relationship - in fact, my DH would tell you that I frequently tell him that I won't be a doormat! Some women on here seem to have problems with self-esteem and sticking up for what they deserve in a relationship - I feel sad when I read threads like that.

I just hope that we have brought up our sons to be better partners than some of the men on here! Of course we only hear the women's side and rarely the men's, don't we?

That is why I stopped reading the relationship boards. It is a stock answer for the stupidest reasons.

He doesn't pick up his socks? Leave him.

rinabean, well done for explaining the situation so well!

I think the difference is that some people have normal realationships (including ups and downs)and others have bad relationships. If you have a normal relationship then you think that everyone else does too. Then you end up thinking that that problems that people have are the same sorts of problems that you have but in actual fact you have no idea what it is like to live with someone who treats you very badly.

I think those who scream 'HE IS BASTARD, leave him' at every thread even when op sounds unreasonable are angry with their own lives and don't have the guts to sort them out. But those are few. There are others who give exellent advice and there have been some very moving threads here.