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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be "confused" about people's relationships on MN?

312 replies

AnnyR · 05/03/2011 16:34

I have only been reading these forums for a few weeks and am increasingly confused/worried about many people's reactions relationships.

There seems to be a stock answer of "kick him out" or "leave him" when someone is having a bad time with their DH or DP. Is this why we have such a high divorce rate at the moment?

I wonder because I think that no-one is perfect and there is no such thing as a perfect relationship. Having been married for nearly 25 years I know that it is hard to stick it out sometimes. Both of us have done things to hurt and upset the other over the years, but we stick together for loads of reasons. Mainly because we ultimately love each other. And because we have DC who need both of us.

Obviously, cases of domestic violence are different - I don't think you should always stay together no matter what. Also, I am not religious and didn't make vows in church, so I am not coming from that angle either.

But why are so many Mumsnetters so quick to advise people to leave?

I am genuinely confused and sad :(

OP posts:
GettinganIcyGrip · 05/03/2011 22:22
GettinganIcyGrip · 05/03/2011 22:23
GettinganIcyGrip · 05/03/2011 22:23
chipmonkey · 05/03/2011 22:37

I think good relationships still need to be worked on. Even if two nice easy-going people get together, there will be differences and there will be a need to discuss things and occasionally compromise. I don't think a relationship is necessarily unhappy if it has to be worked on.

For example a wife may suffer from PND after having a baby. A good dh/dp will try to help her through it, rather than walk out thinking "God what a miserable cow. I'm not putting up with that!"

One of you might be a workaholic but decide to compromise and come home early a couple of times a weeks for some "us" time.

That kind of thing.

givemesomespace · 06/03/2011 07:51

"people are just disagreeing with you.....most of MN thrives on it" - agreed rinabean

Problem is that, all too often, the bitter posters posting "help/advice" in a lot of Relationships threads, but working to their own agenda, don't like hearing a different point of view because they seem to think they know so much more than everyone else and that they shouldn't have the inconvenience of having their "wisdom" challenged.

I think most would agree that there are some very wise people here - it would be nice to get the benefit of that wisdom combined with a big dollop of objectivity.

Morloth · 06/03/2011 08:23

I think women put up with far too much shit from men.

Everyone has their line in the sand. I give advice based on mine, others have a higher threshold for what they will put up with.

Divorce is better than living with someone who makes you feel like crap. Perhaps the higher divorce rate is because women don't NEED to put up with quite so much crap anymore. Good.

soccerwidow · 06/03/2011 08:33

I think that it is because those that tend to use the relationships forums have probably not had an easy ride themselves. They are anxious for others and don't want anyone else to make the same mistakes that they have. Those with less traumatic lives are less likely to reply as probably don't feel expereinced enough.

I never go into the relationships thread unless (like today) I have clicked on one of the headings in the most active box.

givemesomespace · 06/03/2011 08:48

Morloth - agree 100%

thumbwitch · 06/03/2011 09:14

I don't think that it is exactly a "stock" response unless the situation appears to warrant it. And as someone else has already said, people don't tend to post in Relationships about some minor niggle, unless it's a "last straw" type of minor niggle.

And in the end, it's only advice from a disparate group of women with a multitude of different experiences - the poster does have a choice as to whether or not she leaves her man because of what is said!

Laquitar · 06/03/2011 10:07

Shimmerysilverglitter,

i've just read your post and am Shock tbh.

You have choosen to quote a part of my post and to bold part of it, then talking about abusive relationships. That part of my post wasn't about dv at all and i think that was obvious. It was about threads in AIBU i.e. op complaining about a dirty cup and some posters saying 'he is bastard, leave him'. There have been this kind of threads.

After the phrase you have quoted i am saying 'those are few.The majority of posters give excellent advice and have been some very moving threads here'. So here is where i'm talking about dv and not earlier. In Relationship Section i'm actually one of the first to say 'leave him' and often i have felt very frustrated when op excuses him. I also keep saying here many times that i'm angry at divorce being still a taboo and many couples stay together unhappy.
Your post implies the opposite about my view Confused

swallowedAfly · 06/03/2011 10:21

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Laquitar · 06/03/2011 10:33

'...i also think it's a lie most of the time...'

Me too swallowedAfly

sourdoughface · 06/03/2011 10:41

so if people are going to divorce at the drop of a hat, without even thinking about working at a relationship (i.e. Why should people work on relationships? You don't die from being single.) then maybe they should at least spend some time getting to know who they are marrying before they start having sprogs and creating more broken homes, and children with ishoos

swallowedAfly · 06/03/2011 10:46

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Onetoomanycornettos · 06/03/2011 10:47

When I've had troubles, I haven't thought about it as 'staying together for the children' I've thought about it as 'preserving the family unit' (i.e. are we better as a family living together or not). I personally don't think that this is worth paying any price for, you are only on this earth one time around and DV or even just sustained unhappiness with little prospect of relief are good reasons to split.

However, some of the examples of 'emotional abuse' people label don't sound terribly abusive to me, unless they were part of an overall package of much greater control. It also seems like 'lack of respect' is just the worst thing a person can have for you, my own personal take on this is that this can fluctuate over 10-20 years, and sometimes I have behaved in a very disrespectful and not very nice way, so has my husband, but I'm glad I didn't call the whole relationship at that particular time point. I don't find relationships are all about 'respect' but about tolerance and a genuine underlying love, it is respectful at times, but at other times we have been downright rude and nasty, yet are glad to be together. I think these complexities are often missing from the discussion, or someone comes and says 'well, I wouldn't put up with that' forgetting that there are different styles of relationship, and the 'sit down and discuss everything rationally' type isn't for everyone, as indeed a more argumentative style wouldn't be for others.

swallowedAfly · 06/03/2011 10:47

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TheSecondComing · 06/03/2011 10:59

This reply has been deleted

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GettinganIcyGrip · 06/03/2011 11:02

I think many of the 'issues' children from 'broken homes' have is down to the state of the relationship before the parents split.

Many children benefit from the 'breaking' of the home, as they are then with one happy parent who has shown them that putting up with shit from the other parent is not an option.

Before I left one of my children was depressed and devalued by my ex and his family, and one was heading down the same nasty route as his father. It was very hard for a few years post split, for all of us, but all the fears I had for my DC when I was in a relationship have now gone, and they are happy and settled.

Their constant witnessing of my attempts to bring them up being undermined and derided by their father and his family began to be repeated, by my son certainly. What mother wants their son to grow up as an abuser? Or their daughter to think that that is what a relationship is?

Children need stability and love, not to be used as an accessory to the abuse of one parent by the other. That is what does the damage, not divorce.

Morloth · 06/03/2011 11:04

A 'broken' home is a hell of a lot better than one where people are unhappy.

I do think people need to think carefully before they have children with someone but don't think having children needs to mean putting up with a partner just in order to stay together.

What I find depressing about the relationships board is how similar so many of the stories are and I find it frustrating how women are often told 'its not that bad' or 'you are being oversensitive' or 'he is a man, he can't help it'.

It is unbelievable some of the things people think men should get away with just by virtue of being a man.

EdgarAleNPie · 06/03/2011 11:10

also, as one reason a person might post about sth trivial is they don't love their OH - 'leave him' is in that case good advice..

Morloth · 06/03/2011 11:10

The sock on the floor thing can go both ways IMO.

Sometimes clothes end up on the floor here for many reasons and the nearest person who has a minute sorts it out.

What doesn't happen is that my DH leaves his clothes on the floor in the expectation that I will come along and pick them up for him.

TheSecondComing · 06/03/2011 11:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GettinganIcyGrip · 06/03/2011 12:03

The problem with thinking very carefully about having children with someone who is abusive is that, classically, much abuse starts AFTER children arrive.

So women cannot be blamed for having children with unsuitable men, as they may be perfection prior to children!.

disclaimer: no-one can ever be blamed for any abuse they have suffered, contrary to what my MIL informed me once.

Xenia · 06/03/2011 12:09

I don't think most people rush to tell women to leave their partners. Most of us work on marriages and marry for better or worse etc.

However sometimes it is so bad the children and you are better off without the husband (and vice versa) and that was so in my long marriage, ultimately.

The higher divorce rate could be seen as a massive success - that instead of women economically dependent on men putting up with abuse (and men unable to leave when life is awful at home) now people have choices so children end up doing so much better from that as they are not being brought up in a war zone.

However I don't think most people rush to divorce unless things are awful.

ipukepoodles · 06/03/2011 12:23

Totally agree with this!! I posted last year when i was having a bit of a difficult time and all i got was negative responses, kick him out etc, we stuck together and now we're a lot better, i know now that i'd never come here for relationship advice as i know what the response would be!