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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be "confused" about people's relationships on MN?

312 replies

AnnyR · 05/03/2011 16:34

I have only been reading these forums for a few weeks and am increasingly confused/worried about many people's reactions relationships.

There seems to be a stock answer of "kick him out" or "leave him" when someone is having a bad time with their DH or DP. Is this why we have such a high divorce rate at the moment?

I wonder because I think that no-one is perfect and there is no such thing as a perfect relationship. Having been married for nearly 25 years I know that it is hard to stick it out sometimes. Both of us have done things to hurt and upset the other over the years, but we stick together for loads of reasons. Mainly because we ultimately love each other. And because we have DC who need both of us.

Obviously, cases of domestic violence are different - I don't think you should always stay together no matter what. Also, I am not religious and didn't make vows in church, so I am not coming from that angle either.

But why are so many Mumsnetters so quick to advise people to leave?

I am genuinely confused and sad :(

OP posts:
Tee2072 · 05/03/2011 16:56

Okay, bad bolding. Sorry about that!

smugmumofboys · 05/03/2011 16:58

What gets me is the double standards.

A while back I started a thread to rant about DH not coping well when I was on an evening out and calling me. I came home but gave him an earful. I got so many comments that if I insisted on 'always running back to him' etc. It was the first and only time in 20+ years together. I was also told to switch my phone off. Oh, and there was much virtual eye-rolling at me. Hmm

The sense of disappointmet that I wanted nothing more than a rant was palpable.

Recently there was a thread where someone's OH was out with his phone off. The outrage was incredible. As I said, double standards.

Malificence · 05/03/2011 17:01

Where exactly are all these threads telling OPs to "leave the bastard" because of petty squabbles? Hmm

I have never seen them in all my time on here.

bigbeagleeyes · 05/03/2011 17:27

I don't agree OP. I read these threads and wish that I'd had some of that type of advice when I was with my ex. As it was I was one of those women that thought it was me in the wrong.
I left the relationship eventually but it was a very lonely time, and 4 years down the line I know it was the best thing I ever did.
I look at some of the posters and think "that was me", though I have never advised anybody.
I also believe the women who are dishing it out speak from their own experience.
I truly wish I'd had some of these women to talk to when I was at my lowest. I don't think anyone says leave without a great deal of thought.

lemonmuffin · 05/03/2011 17:43

Yanbu.

FabbyChic · 05/03/2011 17:48

People should never stay together for the sake of the children. That is unfair on the child.

The children have to leave also in the relationships which are abusive, or where one partner constanlty undermines the other.

I do agree it seems to be the stock answer, it is however is a lot of cases not the only answer to be considered.

These days people don't talk anymore or are frightened to.

FabbyChic · 05/03/2011 17:48

leave = live.

Honeybee79 · 05/03/2011 17:54

YANBU.
I think it's the easy response isn't it? And most people are much more gung ho about other people's relationships than they are about their own. Easy to tell someone else to leave when you would never actually do so yourself.

People bring their own issues and baggage to threads, they aren't always rational responses. And it's not like the OP actually has to take the advice!

NotSoPukeyMum · 05/03/2011 18:02

I could have started this thread myself - have been thinking the same thing.

A while back I made the mistake of starting a thread about a relationship and, in spite of saying very clearly in my first post "I am not going to leave him and he is not having an affair" almost immediately got back responses saying a) leave him, he's abusing you (he wasn't) and b) he's having an affair. FFS!

I did then have one genuine and very very helpful poster who helped me find the information I'd asked for and within a few days all was well.

I've also seen a recent thread about a female family member where everyone was saying "she's a bitch, forget about her, cut her out of your life" and then there was one person suggesting it might be a medical problem causing the behaviour in question. The OP came back and said it probably was a medical problem because all of the symptoms added up, and said she would try to get her family member to get medical help.

On balance, I do think that MN helps people in the end. Which is why I decided to stick with it.

But I feel that you do sometimes have to wade through a LOT of crap to get to the nugget of gold.

tethersend · 05/03/2011 18:06

Have you considered that the high divorce rate is actually indicative of people valuing their relationships/marriages more than they once did?

People are prepared to turn lives upside down in order to find a healthy, loving, happy relationship rather than accept an unhappy marriage as their lot and stay in it until they or their partner dies.

I'd say that was indicative of valuing marriage very highly. Just not necessarily the one you're in.

ghostbustermaiden · 05/03/2011 18:14

sourdoughface that dropdown list is so true! I can't take the relationship boards seriously any more but I read them like I'd watch a soap opera - sometimes I play Bingo with myself with the things on your list Grin

Portofino · 05/03/2011 18:27

You have to remember that generally when someone gets to the point of posting a thread in Relationships, it is because all is definitely not well. There are 100s of 1000s of posters on MN and I guess if your relationship is ticking over nicely, you would never dream of posting on here about it.

So, you end up with the relatively small percentage who have genuine issues. "Leave him" is probably the correct advice in a few of those cases. Counselling is advised for many more.

I have seen many threads on MN where the OP is being abused and just doesn't see it as she is so used to the status quo. MN really comes into it's own then.

Hulababy · 05/03/2011 18:33

Talked to a friend about this before, another MNetter. Yes, MNetter's general stock answer to anything in relationships is kick him out. It israrely to work it out and see what the underlying isues are and to see if they are workable.

Even when a poster indicates that they would prefer to work things out a good number of posters will then still insist she gets rid, not willing to see that the op may want to try and save their relationship.

And I am not talking about the obvious "wrong un" type threads where DV is involved or serial adultry.

Forsythia · 05/03/2011 18:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pigletmania · 05/03/2011 18:49

I have only advised people on here to 'kick him out' 'leave him' if the op is talking about DV or abuse. I undertand that nobody is perfect, but noone should put up with being phyiscally and verbally abused in their own home, especially if there are children involved.

pigletmania · 05/03/2011 18:55

NSPM it wasent there one from OrangeLantern whereby she was pg and her MIL came to her house when she was alone with her dcs and let rip into her, and called her dcs names. She was very reasonable to the lady, she came back saying that the MIL was accusing her of all sorts of things, when she told her partner what had happened and turned quite nasty

Forsythia · 05/03/2011 18:58

I think what is sad is posters who say 'get rid' or 'kick out' not just about DPs/DHs but anybody who is not behaving the way the OP likes (and we only get OPs side remember) We need to remind ourselves that we are commenting on real human beings and not soap opera characters. You can't just 'kick out' the father of your DCs, it's a bit more complicated, emotionally AND pratically !

shimmerysilverglitter · 05/03/2011 19:00

"I think those who scream 'HE IS BASTARD, leave him' at every thread even when op sounds unreasonable are angry with their own lives and don't have the guts to sort them out."

I dont think thats true at all actually. I think a lot of the leave hims and I include myself there have been through it and come out the other side and are only too aware of the signs of an abusive relationship. I quite often read threads and find myself nodding along tiredly because I recognise all the signs of a horribly abusive relationship. I didn't even realise mine was, despite the physical and verbal abuse, continual infidelity, even pawning of my and my dc's electrical good to support his drink habit. MN helped me to see it and gave me the strength to get out.

I think abuse is very, very obvious to those who know the signs and imo those are the ones in the "Leave Him" club.

pigletmania · 05/03/2011 19:01

I do agree with the op though, any sign that a man is being anything else but perfect, which is impossible as everyone has faults, there is a cry of 'leave him' 'kick him out'.

chipmonkey · 05/03/2011 19:05

AnnyR, you're not the first to post a thread like this. If you look at the Relationships threads a LOT of posters are told to leave but IMO that is because the majority of people only post on Relationships when they are desperate. If your dh has just pissed you off, you post on AIBU, for the moat part!Grin You get a skewed view because people who are in happy relationships don't post there.

Oblomov · 05/03/2011 19:13

OP, are you reading relationships or AIBU ? Becasue like others have said, in aibu, DH not calling/leaving towels = leave him. all nonsense, obviously, and should be taken as such.
But in relationships, leave him is often good advice, to a woman who is in denial/ just can't see that she deserves more.
I think you are thus saying is not true. You have to understand the SIGNIFICANT difference between AIBU and Relationships topics. ANd if you've only been here a few weeks you couldn't have grasped that yet.

Original poster
AnnyR · 05/03/2011 19:13

True, chipmonkey. It would be a very strange thread if someone posted on AIBU "I'm very happy in my relationship"!

Would they get any answers, I wonder?

OP posts:
Original poster
AnnyR · 05/03/2011 19:15

Oblomov - I'm obviously too new to this! There are so many sections of MN that I haven't found as yet.

Will slink away quietly and lurk for longer before starting a thread again...

OP posts:
chipmonkey · 05/03/2011 19:20

Stay, Anny! Smile Your opinion is every bit as valid as us crusty old bags the Ancients of MN

Original poster
AnnyR · 05/03/2011 19:33

I'm a pretty crust old bag myself! A real stalwart of other forums on the web, just haven't found the courage to try MN before :)

OP posts: