Deep sigh... Roadside 'Tributes'

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Am I very unreasonable to hate them?

We have a road that I travel on quite often, it's locally known as 'Death Valley'. It's been the site of several fatal accidents, namely because people overtake and misjudge the traffic in the opposite direction.

Anyway... some of the lampposts are absolutely festooned with dirty and torn teddies and dead flowers and banners and goodness knows what... until mothers' day, birthday, Christmas or some other memorable day results in even more stuff being added. Some of these accidents happened five years ago or more.

This isn't common all over the UK, just in spots. I've often seen a cross on a verge, with perhaps a small wreath but nothing on the scale of 'Death Valley'.

I drove past one of the 'festooners' today, putting some garish finishing touches to a memorial picture (the size of a dartboard), with fairy lights. She was darting across the road and I think it's a matter of time before she becomes part of the tribute scene.

It goes without saying that I feel dreadfully sad for the bereaved families but WHY exactly, does the accident site have to become an impromptu display of ostentatious grief? I really hate it...

I have only read the OP. I cannot imagine why anyoen would take issue with this? Heart of fucking stone.

I was not commenting at all about bereaved families as that would be very unkind and cynical. I was commenting about the attitude of people who pass by these tributes. Older and/or middle class people have been brought up in the belief that these displays are vulgar. Younger people have a completely different attitude. There is obviously no right or wrong.

ruby lol

Me too, Trinity. Unfortunately I have to drive over the spot regularly as there is only one motorway around here. Usually I can pick a different lane, though. I always blow a kiss (without taking my hands off the wheel).

Thanks for clarifying, Forsythia. That makes more sense to me. Thank you.

ihavent read the whole thing here, i read it this mornign and thought about it on the way to work. this was my thought.
2 years ago in july two boys aged 9 and 6 were knocked down by a bus, the 6 year old sadly died, i read it in the paper, they made a tribute on the roadside that my bus passes every time i go to work.
if i did not pass the tribute and only read the paper it might have stayed with me for a few days thinking how sad.
as it is i think of that boy everytime i pass it, i know his birthday is in august as the tribute gets fresh flowers in august. i think of him more then.
at xmas it gets more flowers, i think of him more then too.
if the tribute was not there i would not remember him. i would not think of him at all.
i did not know the boy nor his family but because of the heartfelt tribute I REMEMBER. he is thought of and remembered often by me because of the tribute. i think if you lose someone in such an unfair way, you would want people to rememebr and to thik of them. yes they have a grave to visit, but a grave is a private place where they alone will remember him and feel his passing.
his tribute makes everyone else rememebr him and feel the pain of their loss. a loss that big is too significant to be forgotten, it should be shared by the world and shouted from the rooftops, rememeber my child.
as a mum, i see it and want to hug my kids a bit tighter, it makes me want to hold their hands harder when crossing the road, and it makes me feel for the family going through such loss. i feel empathy for them. i keep their son alive in a tiny way by thinking of him.
they dont know i think of him. but i do.
i wish they would know that their little boy is thought of, and that his death is not insignificant to the other people in the world that didnt know him.
i think i would want that too.

i have often wondered what makes a person want to make such a big deal out of the place a loved-one died, rather than remembering the person and perhaps where they're laid to rest

but i can't say i dislike or hate roadside tributes.. it's just something i can't quite get my head round

am interested though in the amount of people who have mentioned things along the line of "why don't they sort the road out"

it isn't the road's fault. it's generally the fault of someone not driving carefully.

When your child dies you want everyone to feel the depth of grief. The world to stop because yours has come to an end.

If that takes the form of inviting the media to their funeral, opening a book of condolence, tying teddies to a tree or swinging naked from a lampost who are we to judge?

We have a lot of roadside shrines round here. They are for RTAs and for stabbings and shooting of young people.

If they make people feel uncomfortable, tough. Whatever you feel when you look at them is not one tiny bit of how the families feel.

When your child dies the fear of them fading away is enormous. You watch as life goes on for everyone but you. Even those who knew them well move on and you are stood still. You want to scream THEY LIVED, THEY LIVED.

If a lampost surrounded by tatty ribbons and flowers help keep their memory alive why the fuck not?

You can walk past it, you can drive past it, it takes a few seconds of your life. Turn up you nose at the vulgarity and then count your blessings.

If you lose a love one you dont have to do it too, you have a choice.

No,I would not do it,however how do you know what you WOULD do if it were you in that position... for instance we know someone who swore they were a dreadful thing to see.... horrid isn't it,she had a stone laid where her son died.

just read the privious comments and feel really sad. not at all understanding how people can say these things are tacky or an eyesore.
its reflection of someones enormous unfair loss and grief.
i cannot afthom passing that little boys tribute and think how guady, how tacky, how attention seeking, i pass it anf feel sad, and feel sympathy.
sometimes, people are so cold its chilling. this has really made me feel disapointed.
and if you hadnt already guessed in my opinion you couldnt be any more unreasonable if you tried.

Bubbub, so it seems your chief concern is how the 'tributes' make you feel then?

She has a point though ... fancy feeling sick at someones dead child/husband/daddy/mum etc..... what a rubbish thing to type out by the starter of the thread... POOR POOR HER she has to look at them.

erm, no.
its about making other people in society recognise and remember your loss, like it matters and that it isnt easy to forget.
i can only talk about how i feel, its how i would hope others would feel too.
its not about me, its about the families that have suffered the loss.
or should it be more about the tacky affront to your eyes?

when I see these tributes i respect them and reflect that if I were in the same boat i just don't know how I would react, and nor would any one of us who hasn't experienced the loss of a loved one on the roads.

The OP doesn't appear to want other people's pain to impinge on her life, but she thinks those that are grieving are selfish? The "me me me" appears to me to be entirely hers. I feel far more distaste reading her posts than I do seeing the sad little signs of some other family's pain.

When my niece died, her mother's family keened at the funeral whereas my family were all very very quiet. Her friends wanted to tell stories about her life. I wouldn't ascribe any value judgments to those different reactions, and if I started to do so I would be telling myself off very sharply indeed.

I don't think that there is anything wrong with councils having rules about the size and placing of tributes or any other roadside signs for safety reasons, but on the grounds of taste or some view of how long people are allowed t grieve My aunt will grieve her daughter for as long as she lives.

How does the bereaved parent know how it makes others feel? A bunch of rotting flowers and a soggy teddy won't make much of an impact on the average motorist. Some people who look at it will think 'that looks a mess!', perhaps a few will feel sad, most people will ignore it.

You could plant a tree somewhere or donate some money to a relevant or much-loved charity. The roadside tributes seem so pointless.

Why should the bereaved parent think how others feel? If you cant be 'selfish' when you child dies when can you?

Bubbub... There are completely separate issues regarding roadside tributes.

Firstly, I don't know of anybody who wouldn't see a tribute - of any description - and think how sad that somebody has lost their life. I've imagined how I would feel and I hope it's something I never experience.

MrsDeVere's post summed up some things that I hadn't thought of regarding the need to make other people know that that person had lived. I haven't felt that way myself because I know that that person has lived, but can totally understand that other people do feel the need.

The main issue from my OP was a roadside tribute that I pass very often. It's one of about a dozen on a stretch of road that's 1.5 miles long. It's so big that it's encroaching onto the highway (50mph dual carriageway) and it now has flashing fairy lights. That's the tribute I'm talking about. I think it's ostentatious and, on that stretch of road there is nowhere to safely park. The number of accidents on it is truly horrifying.

There are smaller, neater tributes that nobody takes issue with; people who see them feel just as sad at the loss of life, it is a terrible waste.

Do I think that tributes en bloc are wrong? No. Do I think they should be constrained to limits when they're on the highway? Definitely. What's the sense in risking further lives by allowing free rein to people to do as they please on a road that's in public use?

As it is, councils in parts of the UK are taking steps to remove ALL tributes within 30 days and this is because some people have no idea of limits and what is reasonable. This proves that the concept of tributes has grown and been added to over the years and this was my point about competition. It certainly is along my local stretch of road.

There are very many people applauding the councils' decision to implement a 30 day tribute policy; they probably feel that way because instead of keeping tributes to something reasonable that they used to be pre-Diana's death, they've now become 'in your face'. What does a tribute like that have to do with grief? Are we really saying that somebody cannot grieve without some kind of ostentatious and flamboyant display? I would imagine there might be grieving parents who would be highly insulted at such a perception.

I'm neither cold nor hard-hearted but I do dislike the disregard of some people who feel that they are entitled to do as they please without any limits whatsoever.

I do not think it is always the families who add to the tributes. It is often friends, usually young people who pile the flowers and teddies on.

I think this can cause a lot of distress for the families because it takes away from their grief if the tributes are insincere. How awful if a mother or father or siblings want to place some flowers or keep up something permenant but everything has to be ripped away because of someone else's excess.

That said, I still think the vast majority of these things pose no hazard. They may look tacky to you but so does stone cladding and there is no law against that.

Let people grieve, sometimes its all they have.

Because of your earlier comment MrsDV:

"When your child dies you want everyone to feel the depth of grief"

My point is that you don't know how anyone else will react to it. Admittedly I haven't been there with regard to a child but it would break my heart to think anyone would react negatively to any memorial I made to the person I had lost,.

You are not exactly thinking in the most logical of ways when your child has just died Ormirian.

It doesnt make sense because it doesnt make sense. Nothing does.

You want people to feel your pain but you know they cant and you wouldnt wish it on them either. You want to scream at people for just walking down the street.

Mostly you just want to do something, anything to prove that your child mattered and lived.

I dont really see them as any different from headstones or plaques. I have known people to sneer at teddy shaped headstones and ask for tributes to be removed from grave sites because they are tacky.

I do not understand this attitude at all. Because no matter how ugly someone thinks it is, no matter how pointless, it takes a few seconds from their lives. You pass it and its gone. You can get on with your life.

Ideally they should be maintained and be of a sensible size. But in the big scheme of things it really doesnt matter.

I am very lucky. My DD died in my arms in our house. I could say goodbye, I knew where she was, that she was not frightened or in pain. How these families cope, who were not able to have that, I dont know. Let them have their tributes.

A very moving post MrsDeVere and exactly the way I see it too. So sorry to hear you have suffered the loss of a child, I can't even begin to imagine how devastating that must be.

I know I am speaking from a position far removed from a grieving parent. I can't know how I would feel.

So sorry about your DD. So sorry

what MrsDeveres said. What a nasty thread.