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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is he the most unreasonable partner on the planet?

117 replies

pots · 27/02/2011 21:39

Hello
I posted something the other day in error on someone else's thread... all new to this.
ANyway, I have 3 kids 12,10 and 8 with my ex-husband and a 4 month baby with a new partner.
New partner has many financial problems... HUGE infact. He also has an ex-girlfiend who is constantly texting, emailing and skyping asking for money - he owes her money but his business is in chaos and there is currently no money apart from rent that he gets in from a property.... although they are up for repossession. They took out loans and amassed credit cards bills together and she wants it all back.... When he has some cash she gets it... I get nothing. He doesn't even have enough for nappies, so I have to buy them from my maintenance from ex.
Stupidly, I have lent him money... and have tried to help him get his business back off the ground, but it's hard to help someone who has their head buried so deeply underground.
He also has regular contact with other female friends, one of whom has admitted being in love with him.... he knows it hurts me but is not prepared to stop it. He sees no harm in it as he says he is with me, so is not a threat. I don't see it like that.
He finds it difficult to be motivated... he is 47 and a first time dad.... and utterly selfish.
When he's having a good time... we all do, but when it's crap it's really crap.
I know it's all totally unreasonable... I'm not perfect, nor do I pretend to be... but I'm sad and upset. I don't know where he is right now... he went out yesterday morning telling me that he would be back on monday... then came back, had a bath (I went out with a friend), called to find out where I was, then got himself spruced up, borrowed some money from a woman he has living in his office and I haven't seen him since.
I know it all sounds like I've just made all this up... it's all true and actually worse... but I don't think anyone would believe me..
Just writing this has helped me.... but how on earth am I going to cope...?

OP posts:

Gleekfreak · 27/02/2011 21:40

Get rid. He sounds like a cock lodger to me

Slinkysista · 27/02/2011 21:42

He sounds like a walking disaster, get yourself out of this relationship NOW!
Good luck to you,

PeterAndreForPM · 27/02/2011 21:42

cope with what ?

getting this fucker out of your life ?

I would say you will cope better with him out of your life, rather than in it

yes, he is probably one of the worst I have read about on MN

and I have read about very many twats, that is for sure

what are you asking exactly ?

if you just want to vent, go ahead, but more fool you if you persevere with a selfish bastard like this

FabbyChic · 27/02/2011 21:43

YOu are going to have to get rid of him before he brings you down to where he is.

He is irresponsible and an asshole, and I certainly would not be with someone who feels it is okay to piss off for a few days without knowing where they were.

YOu are not responsible for his debts he is, if you continue to try to carry him you won't get anywhere. This man has to become bankrupt with that bankruptcy he cannot have his own business.

He is not doing anything to help himself why should you help him.

YOu should never have had a child with him, now you are stuck with him in your life for the next 18 years.

If not poncing off you not contributing.

victoriascrumptious · 27/02/2011 21:43

What a mess. Extract yourself ASAP

outnumbered2to1 · 27/02/2011 21:44

he's 47 and acting like a sulky teenager. get him booted. change the locks and leave his stuff (if he left any) on the front step

mmsmum · 27/02/2011 21:44

OP I am sorry for you. Having a 4 month old is hard enough. What do you want to do?

squeakytoy · 27/02/2011 21:45

You cope by packing his bags, throwing them out of the door, and getting him out of your life.

You really will be better off without him, and most likely so will the child, because I cant see him being capable of being a decent father.

MmeLindt · 27/02/2011 21:45

You need to get rid of him.

Agree with PeterAndre. Not often a relationship thread shocks me, but this one does. Bloody hell, what a wanker.

risingstar · 27/02/2011 21:45

sorry- you kinda already know that the only way you are going to cope is by having as little to do with this man as possible.

if he is living with you, chuck him out. write off the money he owes you- you will never see it and you know that. contact CSA re getting some order against him. you probably will never see the money but you do have another 17 years and 8 months before your child reaches adulthood.

the man is 47- you have no chance at all of changing him- do you want him as a role model in your dcs lives?

what exactly do you get from this relationship- and is that worth all the damage he is going to do over the coming years>

ENormaSnob · 27/02/2011 21:46

Get rid.

It isn't good for your dcs to see this behaviour.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 27/02/2011 21:48

FFS why are you with this man? TBH it doesn't actually sound like he considers himself 'with' you anyway, you're just someone else he can borrow money off.
Do you have a job? Whose name is your home in? I suggest you go and talk to CAB tomorrow to find out your position, what benefits you might be entitled to etc, and then either tell this man to leave (if the home is yours) or make plans to move out with your DC. Don't waste any more energy trying to make this knob behave like a grown up because he won't.

Original poster

pots · 27/02/2011 21:53

I suppose I do just want to vent.... It may not sound like it, but I'm an intelligent woman, and he's a clever man. I'm lucky that my kids are just fabulous. The baby was a complete mistake... he has never been able to have them before so it came as a complete surprise. He's a definite bundle of joy and a very very good baby.

OP posts:

PeterAndreForPM · 27/02/2011 21:56

we are not talking about your baby though are we ?

so you are just venting ?

< move along folks, nothing to be done here >

Original poster

pots · 27/02/2011 21:59

It's a problem in that we have joint friends, that's how we met, but they all think he is being unreasonable now.
I'm actually really sad because I think underneath he is a decent man.... but has got his life in a complete mess - and this situation is now just a mess.
It's my home.
I'm not entitled to benefits.
But I don't know how to go about obtaining maintenance from someone who has no money....

OP posts:

PeterAndreForPM · 27/02/2011 22:02

you are not entitled to benefits ? why ?

do you earn too much money ?

you are already supporting a cocklodger, so if you offload that, you will be much better off

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 27/02/2011 22:03

OK you are not likely to get maintenance off a financial disaster area like this knob, you will however be able to get tax credits as a lone parent.
If he is a basiclaly nice man he can fuck off and sort himself out. It's not your job to do it for him.

mmsmum · 27/02/2011 22:03

He doesn't have no money, he owns a rental property, that's money. I am glad you have your own home, keep it that way! If you didn't think he was good then you wouldn't be with him, I know it's hard but try to take a step back and be critical, is he really? You seem to be such a good person and are doing everything you can to try to help him. But, relationships are meant to be a two way thing, what does he do for you?

PeterAndreForPM · 27/02/2011 22:04

it's your home ?

evict him from it...he has outstayed his welcome

freeloaders have no rights, does he realise that ?

47 years old ?

pathetic

GORGEOUSX · 27/02/2011 22:06

How could you go ahead and have a baby with him? And how could you saddle yourself with someone who needs your childrens' maintenance money?

Stop thinking about yourself and think about your DC and the responsibility you have to them, to not be saddled with someone who cannot take care of you and your 4 children.

Original poster

pots · 27/02/2011 22:08

What does he do for me... well, he helps around the house - very good at it. He's cooks beautifully. He likes my kids. He's very charismatic.... he's spontaneous and kind hearted to his friends... but I think he is probably rubbish as a partner and ex girlfriends have told me that they prefer to be his friend rather his partner.
He's very immature, selfish, only child and bright.

OP posts:

GORGEOUSX · 27/02/2011 22:12

Only child and bright?

When you said he was 47, was that a typing error then - is he 7?

ChaoticAngelofAnarchy · 27/02/2011 22:13

Get rid, you have 4 kids, you don't need another one, especially when that one is supposed to be an adult.

solooovely · 27/02/2011 22:15

Whatever you do don't take on responsibility for any of his debt, even if you think it will be helping him out (know someone who did this and it didn't end well) so don't sign anything!

Original poster

pots · 27/02/2011 22:18

I realise it sounds like I am making excuses for him.... I'm rather embarrassed for me actually, because there is so much more I could write...
Maybe I needed to have a wake up call..
Thank you.

OP posts:

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