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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is he the most unreasonable partner on the planet?

117 replies

pots · 27/02/2011 21:39

Hello
I posted something the other day in error on someone else's thread... all new to this.
ANyway, I have 3 kids 12,10 and 8 with my ex-husband and a 4 month baby with a new partner.
New partner has many financial problems... HUGE infact. He also has an ex-girlfiend who is constantly texting, emailing and skyping asking for money - he owes her money but his business is in chaos and there is currently no money apart from rent that he gets in from a property.... although they are up for repossession. They took out loans and amassed credit cards bills together and she wants it all back.... When he has some cash she gets it... I get nothing. He doesn't even have enough for nappies, so I have to buy them from my maintenance from ex.
Stupidly, I have lent him money... and have tried to help him get his business back off the ground, but it's hard to help someone who has their head buried so deeply underground.
He also has regular contact with other female friends, one of whom has admitted being in love with him.... he knows it hurts me but is not prepared to stop it. He sees no harm in it as he says he is with me, so is not a threat. I don't see it like that.
He finds it difficult to be motivated... he is 47 and a first time dad.... and utterly selfish.
When he's having a good time... we all do, but when it's crap it's really crap.
I know it's all totally unreasonable... I'm not perfect, nor do I pretend to be... but I'm sad and upset. I don't know where he is right now... he went out yesterday morning telling me that he would be back on monday... then came back, had a bath (I went out with a friend), called to find out where I was, then got himself spruced up, borrowed some money from a woman he has living in his office and I haven't seen him since.
I know it all sounds like I've just made all this up... it's all true and actually worse... but I don't think anyone would believe me..
Just writing this has helped me.... but how on earth am I going to cope...?

OP posts:
Doha · 27/02/2011 22:19

I'm an intelligent woman, and he's a clever man

oh yes he is a very clever man isn't he. He has you for a mug. what a cocklodger--ged rid.

Inteliigent woman ??? well if you are prove it coz there is nothing you have posted here that shows you in an intelligent light

GORGEOUSX · 27/02/2011 22:21

LOL!

mollymawk · 27/02/2011 22:22

Well, agree with the others so no need to say that all again. However, I am intrigued by this:
"borrowed some money from a woman he has living in his office". What's that all about then if you don't mind me asking?

PeterAndreForPM · 27/02/2011 22:22

"only child" ?

look, the time for excusing behaviour on account of being an "only child" is time limited

it runs out when you are about 12

this bloke does sound like he makes a better friend, or a better shag, than responible partner

the only scenario you should take on a man like this is if you can afford to bank roll him in return for a nice shag

you know, like an exotic pet, with no expectations on his part

if that isn't the case, you need to get your sensible head screwed back on, stop thinking with your fanjo and think of your kids

this man will be the ruin of them...do you understand that ?

Original poster
pots · 27/02/2011 22:23

look, i realise it appears that way, but I guess i keep hoping it will get better.
i know, i know..

OP posts:
PeterAndreForPM · 27/02/2011 22:24

yes, the woman "living in his office"

she is cocklodging him too...do you realise that ?

foreverondiet · 27/02/2011 22:24

Chuck him out, why you wasting your time and energy on him. Sounds like you'd be better without him.

PeterAndreForPM · 27/02/2011 22:24

how will it get better ?

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 27/02/2011 22:27

It won't get better. He's never going to grow up. He's basically a charming loser and what you have to decide is whether or not you can afford to keep him (eg his cooking/.shagging/charming qualities are worth his keep) and whether you can bring yourself to accept his straying. Becayse he will stray, and quite possibly already is (friends are in love with him? strange women 'live in his office'?)

squeakytoy · 27/02/2011 22:28

I dont see how it can get better.. I can only see it getting worse

He may not be able to support you or his kid, but at least if you got rid of him, you wouldnt need to be supporting him.

This man has zero respect for you. You may be intelligent, but you really do seem to lack common sense :(

Original poster
pots · 27/02/2011 22:28

I've never thought about it like that, an exotic pet.... but you're right.. I can't afford to do that. He would probably find that amusing..
The kids love him.... but I know that it appears that I'm not.... but I AM sensible (please don't have a go at me, because I know it doesn;t seem that way), I love them to pieces and you are right...

OP posts:
PeterAndreForPM · 27/02/2011 22:30

exotic pets can outstay their welcome

cut him loose

for your kid's sake

some other poor fool woman will take him on, it won't take long I can assure you

perhaps her in his office ?

she seems gullible enough, having already lent him money

squeakytoy · 27/02/2011 22:31

I am sorry to be harsh, but if you love your kids, (which I am sure you do, all 4 of them).. then do the best thing for them, and get rid of this bloke, because he is going to keep hurting their mum, he is going to drag you down, and you will end up losing any respect that they may have for you as they grow up, because they will have watched some bloke treating you like shit.

PeterAndreForPM · 27/02/2011 22:32

yes, I can imagine him finding that amusing...I bet he would get a real ego boost being thought of as an "exotic pet"

unfortunately, the "joke" is on you, OP

that is the measure of this man

utter twat, I would label him

decorative maybe, but a selfish user beneath

Doha · 27/02/2011 22:36

Reptiles are exotic pets Grin

ledkr · 27/02/2011 22:36

A woman is living in his office?That sounds weird,does his office have facilites then?I am picturing a kind of timid secretary type sleeping on the couch and existing on food from the vending machine and drinking from the water cooler Grin
Come on,you know hes a piss taking wastrel,your poor older dcs having to watch you put up with him,lock the door and go to bed.

notmyproblem · 27/02/2011 22:36

All right, enough talk about what a loser he is. OP knows it, she's admitted it, enough rubbing it in.

Let's talk about HOW she's going to get rid of him.

I vote for chucking his stuff outside the door and changing the locks. Tomorrow morning, first thing, before he gets back from his shag of the weekend.

ledkr · 27/02/2011 22:38

does she want rid tho?

ledkr · 27/02/2011 22:39

maybe he can go and live in his residential office.

mmsmum · 27/02/2011 22:40

I really wish mumsnet was about when I was going through crap with my ex. There ladies would have sorted me out in no time!

Doha · 27/02/2011 22:41

Text him now and tell him you have has a moment of enlightenment and that his stuff is in bags outside the door. Turn phone off.
Put key in door to prevent him coming in later and change the locks tomorrow.

Doha · 27/02/2011 22:42

Op time for you to get your self respect back. You and your Dc's deserve so much better

PeterAndreForPM · 27/02/2011 22:43

ledkr, I don't think she does want rid, no

she wants him to be a different person

but that isn't going to happen

LordVolAuVent · 27/02/2011 22:45

feel for you OP. you do need to get rid of him i think but easier said than done, i know. you are in a luckier position than a lot of people though in that you have your own home already so that's not an issue. as he doesn't support you financially at the moment you won't miss that. you will be elegible for certain tax credits as a single parent. you will also protect your kids from seeing a very bad example of a father and partner. it will end up being the best thing you've done, even if tough at first. if he is a clever guy, as you say, he should still be there for his child (and maybe your others if that's what you want) emotionally if not financially and perhaps you can be better friends apart.

does he have some sort of problem - drugs/gambling/something?? just wondering what this money he borrows goes on, especially wit lengthy disappearances.

Inertia · 27/02/2011 22:48

Sorry, this is going to sound harsh. But it sounds like he is using you to get money out of. When your money is gone, I bet he will be gone too. He isn't a partner in any sense of the word- he isn't working with you to bring up your family, he doesn't support you emotionally or financially, and he could well have other women on the go given his disappearing tricks. (A woman living in his office? What is that about?)

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