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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is he the most unreasonable partner on the planet?

117 replies

pots · 27/02/2011 21:39

Hello
I posted something the other day in error on someone else's thread... all new to this.
ANyway, I have 3 kids 12,10 and 8 with my ex-husband and a 4 month baby with a new partner.
New partner has many financial problems... HUGE infact. He also has an ex-girlfiend who is constantly texting, emailing and skyping asking for money - he owes her money but his business is in chaos and there is currently no money apart from rent that he gets in from a property.... although they are up for repossession. They took out loans and amassed credit cards bills together and she wants it all back.... When he has some cash she gets it... I get nothing. He doesn't even have enough for nappies, so I have to buy them from my maintenance from ex.
Stupidly, I have lent him money... and have tried to help him get his business back off the ground, but it's hard to help someone who has their head buried so deeply underground.
He also has regular contact with other female friends, one of whom has admitted being in love with him.... he knows it hurts me but is not prepared to stop it. He sees no harm in it as he says he is with me, so is not a threat. I don't see it like that.
He finds it difficult to be motivated... he is 47 and a first time dad.... and utterly selfish.
When he's having a good time... we all do, but when it's crap it's really crap.
I know it's all totally unreasonable... I'm not perfect, nor do I pretend to be... but I'm sad and upset. I don't know where he is right now... he went out yesterday morning telling me that he would be back on monday... then came back, had a bath (I went out with a friend), called to find out where I was, then got himself spruced up, borrowed some money from a woman he has living in his office and I haven't seen him since.
I know it all sounds like I've just made all this up... it's all true and actually worse... but I don't think anyone would believe me..
Just writing this has helped me.... but how on earth am I going to cope...?

OP posts:
PeterAndreForPM · 27/02/2011 22:49

disappearing tricks = massive red flag

always

absolutely without any shadow of a doubt

ledkr · 27/02/2011 22:51

mmsmum me too,theyd have also sorted HIM out given half a chance,we should form a mn task force sorting out crap blokes,that would be talked about on the wright stuff for sure.

squeakytoy · 27/02/2011 22:51

If a woman can "live" in his office.. then so can he. Not necessarily with her... although I suspect he is already quite a bit more involved with her than he is letting on.

So, he has somewhere to go.

Pack his bags and tell him to sod off.

I don't know where he is right now... he went out yesterday morning telling me that he would be back on monday... then came back, had a bath (I went out with a friend), called to find out where I was, then got himself spruced up, borrowed some money from a woman he has living in his office and I haven't seen him since

Are you really happy to accept this sort of behaviour? Would you be happy if someone was treating a female member of your family or a friend like this? I suspect not.

PeterAndreForPM · 27/02/2011 22:52

mms, would you have listened at the time though ?

ledkr · 27/02/2011 22:52

pete you did see your good self on the wright stuff the other morning i trust?

Original poster
pots · 27/02/2011 22:52

His money goes on debt...all amassed over a long time. It's got out of control now and his company is in trouble now too.
The money he borrowed at the weekend... I don't know. I have a horrid feeling he went out with it, and, well, I don;t know.
Problem..... I think he could be bi-polar, but that sounds like I'm trying to find an excuse for him. I'm not.
He had a lot of money... spent alot, had the time of his life... and is now paying for it...
We've been arguing a lot recently, not surprising really... and he says he leaves the situation to get away from the arguments. Of course I don't want the kids to see it. They are wonderful and deserve the best.

OP posts:
PeterAndreForPM · 27/02/2011 22:53

I really sruggle to believe some of these threads are real sometimes

they are so bad

PeterAndreForPM · 27/02/2011 22:53

struggle

PeterAndreForPM · 27/02/2011 22:54

no, I didn't ledkr...did I look good ?

Vicky2011 · 27/02/2011 22:57

Ah so the disappearing acts are YOUR fault! Hmm Pots he is a massive massive piss-taker, you really do need rid of him and so do your kids. You are financially sound and have a home. Time to change the locks on it.

Original poster
pots · 27/02/2011 22:57

He does care about the family.... he comes to parent's evenings and thinks I don't get the kids to contribute towards the house enough... you know, emptying the dw etc.... He thinks I'm too soft on them and am a "chocolate fireguard".... I guess I am.
He does care.
He's just crap at money and being a decent partner... at the moment...
God, I don;t know....

OP posts:
LordVolAuVent · 27/02/2011 22:58

well yeah, he says that to put the blame on you so he doesn't have to face up and feel guilty. to disappear for that long, i would imagine he has some sort of habit, be it women, drugs, drink, gambling, sorry...

he might be bi polar, who knows, but if he won't accept it and receive the necessary help, you still need to distance yourself and your kids for now.

ledkr · 27/02/2011 22:59

I believe you were quoted,how i laughed Grin

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 27/02/2011 22:59

Tell him you are toughening up and getting rid of him is where you are starting.

PeterAndreForPM · 27/02/2011 22:59

at the moment ?

when/how will that change ?

come on love, answer the question

squeakytoy · 27/02/2011 23:00

He DOESNT care about the family Pots, if he did he wouldnt just fuck off for the weekend without you having a clue where he is.

Why does he come to parents evening? they are not his children.

He thinks you are "too soft on them" and they should contribute towards the house? ... you have got it all wrong.. they are bloody children.. they shouldnt have to contribute towards their house.. that is HIS responsibility, not theirs.

When he calls you a chocolate fireguard, do you realise he is saying you are useless? :(

Come on, wise up. Your kids deserve better, and so do you.

PeterAndreForPM · 27/02/2011 23:01

ledkr...explain...you mean an MN quote or an actual Peter Andre quote ?

I am sure PA has some very profound things to say, in RL, after all Smile < ahem >

LordVolAuVent · 27/02/2011 23:01

if you think he cares and have evidence to prove it, then he probably does. but qite clearly not enough at the moment. whatever problems he has, be they phhysical or emotional, or just personal, mean that he cares about himself more. and i'm sorry to say that while you let him, he always will. because what reason does he have to change?

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 27/02/2011 23:02

Soooooooo

He has debt(facing bankruptcy) but borrows more, potentially to piss it up the wall.

He does not contribute to your household (except some basic household tasks) nothing financially?

He has free reins to waltz off for a weekend not telling you where he's going leaving you at home with the children and HIS 4 month old baby! (words fail me on that one!)

He has women friends who are in love with himand he refuses to reduce contact Hmm

One day you will wake up and reaslise how little this man is enriching your life, I only hope you do so before a) he lands you in enormous debt alongside him and b) he grinds you down to the point where you feel you can not do anything else

Good luck op I fear you will need it.

Original poster
pots · 27/02/2011 23:02

I know.... I wouldn't believe this either... sadly it's all true...

The girl ion the office..... someone he tried to help to get on her feet, came to stay with me... i didn't like her at all so asked her to leave... so she's been living in his office ever since. You think I'm happy about it??

He has an inability to let go.. of anything. People, things, anything.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 27/02/2011 23:04

I get nothing. He doesn't even have enough for nappies

got himself spruced up, borrowed some money from a woman he has living in his office and I haven't seen him since

yes, I can see just how much he loves his family... oh fuck theres a pig flying past my window too...

PeterAndreForPM · 27/02/2011 23:04

so let go of him

think of him as an unwanted pet

it's sad, but inevitable

you are not obliged to rescue him from himself

47yo's are grown ups remember

PeterAndreForPM · 27/02/2011 23:06

please don't take offence, OP, but I no longer think this thread is on the level

No-one can be this deluded, and this gullible

I am just waiting for ledkr's response re. the Matthew Wright Show and then I am offski

good luck and take care 'n' all that Sad

ledkr · 27/02/2011 23:06

Well he was slating mn as bullies and read out one of the threads asking about bad language on here.He then read out solme replies and i think unless im mistaken it was one of yours,i cant imagine Peter Andre saying anything as apt as that.
It may well have been your 15 mins of fame and it went by unnoticed.

Inertia · 27/02/2011 23:07

Pots, how does this situation benefit you and the children at all? Looking at the pros and cons of the relationship:

Pros:

  1. You have a baby from the relationship, who (like all your children) you love very much.
  2. Occasionally, as long as your DP permits it, you all enjoy yourselves.
  3. Errr, that would seem to be it.

Cons:

  1. He is apparently not supporting the baby or any other member of the family on any level, emotionally or financially
  2. He is disrespectful and dismissive of how his deliberately spiteful thoughtless behaviour hurts you
  3. He is taking money from you to throw into the black hole that it is his debt
  4. He spends time with other women and doesn't see it as a problem.
  5. He think it's acceptable to disappear for days at a time and expects you to pick up the pieces.
  6. He refuses to resolve issues, and instead argues or runs away
  7. If he is in a bad mood, you and the children suffer.

Why? How on earth can he be worth this much grief?

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