Is he the most unreasonable partner on the planet?

[pots]

Hello
I posted something the other day in error on someone else's thread... all new to this.
ANyway, I have 3 kids 12,10 and 8 with my ex-husband and a 4 month baby with a new partner.
New partner has many financial problems... HUGE infact. He also has an ex-girlfiend who is constantly texting, emailing and skyping asking for money - he owes her money but his business is in chaos and there is currently no money apart from rent that he gets in from a property.... although they are up for repossession. They took out loans and amassed credit cards bills together and she wants it all back.... When he has some cash she gets it... I get nothing. He doesn't even have enough for nappies, so I have to buy them from my maintenance from ex.
Stupidly, I have lent him money... and have tried to help him get his business back off the ground, but it's hard to help someone who has their head buried so deeply underground.
He also has regular contact with other female friends, one of whom has admitted being in love with him.... he knows it hurts me but is not prepared to stop it. He sees no harm in it as he says he is with me, so is not a threat. I don't see it like that.
He finds it difficult to be motivated... he is 47 and a first time dad.... and utterly selfish.
When he's having a good time... we all do, but when it's crap it's really crap.
I know it's all totally unreasonable... I'm not perfect, nor do I pretend to be... but I'm sad and upset. I don't know where he is right now... he went out yesterday morning telling me that he would be back on monday... then came back, had a bath (I went out with a friend), called to find out where I was, then got himself spruced up, borrowed some money from a woman he has living in his office and I haven't seen him since.
I know it all sounds like I've just made all this up... it's all true and actually worse... but I don't think anyone would believe me..
Just writing this has helped me.... but how on earth am I going to cope...?

Pots - I realise you have gone to bed now but hope you come back to this in the morning.

You have had a lot of strong advice on here, all of it valid - what are you clinging onto with this man?
He is using you completely. He is 47 - he's been like this his whole life - he is NOT going to improve. Just get shot of him now before he drags you down any further.

You have already said you don't get any money from him as it is, so you have nothing to lose on that score - and even if you get no maintenance from him for your baby, it's not going to matter. In fact, you will probably be better off because there will be no chance of you lending him any more money, will there?! (being stern because have also been in extremely stupid situation of lending money to ex because felt sorry for him, knew his sad background so made excuse after excuse for him UNTIL the point when I realised he was a selfish, deceitful, thieving CUNT and didn't need my sympathy - or my money for that matter!)

In answer to your actual title - YABU because this man is NOT a "partner" in any reasonable definition of the term. Cocklodger, parasite, even exotic pet are closer to the reality than Partner.

If the house is yours and in your name then you should have no problem getting rid of him - and if you do, call the police. If you are remotely worried about how he will react, call the police. If you need more advice on what to do before you throw him out, call Women's Aid first - they'll probably tell you to call the police if he kicks off.

The whole thing about him being good with the DC is honestly not that relevant to your godawful situation - apart from the fact that it is holding up your fantasy view of this termite and preventing you from despatching him.

As he is the father of your baby, he (if he's such a good bloke and lovely with the DC) want to see his child, and he might even deign to see the others as well.

It is Not Good for your children to see that this kind of behaviour is acceptable - and by accepting it from him you are giving them the green light to behave exactly the same way when they are teenagers. Then you'll have more than one household member using you as an open purse, and someone who doesn't need any consideration.

Your cocklodger says you are a chocolate fireguard when it comes to your children - how lucky for him! Because if you weren't, you'd have got rid of him by now as well. Tell him that you have taken this point on board and your first act as a non-chocolate fireguard is to get rid of him, as he is the biggest drain on your emotional wellbeing.

And get yourself checked for any STIs as well.

Some good advice here. Pots please read and it and consider it carefully. It's basically a unanimous AIBU with everyone agreeing that your partner's behaviour is completely unreasonable.

The initial wake-up call and effort required to fix your life is difficult, yes, but you're a mother to 4 kids, you're strong enough to get through this. Stand up for yourself, get him out, deal with the fall-out later. If he really does love you and want to be with you and want to change and improve his life, he can do that living elsewhere first. Then you can consider taking him back some months/years down the road when he's proven he's worth it. But don't be surprised if he never does. The thing is, you need to get away from him to get some true perspective -- when you throw him out it will seem heartbreaking, but a few months later you will look back and realise it's the smartest thing you could have done.

Til then, for the sake of your family you need to get him out before he drags you down even more. If this were your sister, friend, mother in the same situation, what would you tell her? Tell that to yourself, be strong, you will get through this!

Best of luck. Post on here if you need support, everyone is on your side.

Get him out of your life he seems to be draning monry along with your energy

He sounds like a total arse, who gets away with being an arse because he has charisma.

Helping round the house and being 'kind hearted to friends' is no good if you have got a MASSIVE debt and you go off without telling the mother of your child where you are.

Going to parents evening is no good if the baby has nappies bought with the money from the other children's maintenance.

You write about him as if he is quite the catch. That you feel a bit on the lucky side for landing him.

Thank you... of course I know all of this, but it's difficult. It's very easy to offer advice but it's the hardest thing to make this kind of change. ANd I realise that sounds crazy. Of course I would tell someone else in the same boat to get out.

Yes, of course I need to think about my children.. maybe I feel guilty that I've failed again... and I don't want my children to think this is normal - splitting up and/or staying together.

There is so much more I could write. i just don't think anyone would believe me.. and you would all think I was plain mad.. which I am not. Vulnerable maybe... I believe he loves me, but I agree it doesn't look or feel like that at all. But I'm also beginning to wonder whether he knows what love is.

The phone calls, texts etc have all started to make me paranoid. He carries his phones around ALL the time... and hates it when I do look.. until I had his baby his ex would send NN kisses every night as though that was normal. SHe now expects me to pay off her debts - I won't. I think all his exes have debts because of him.. I think he was stringing her along while he made his mind up about what he wanted. Although, perhaps that was actually me being strung along now that I look at it.
I know.
I think he believes that he will make the "big deal" and then it will all be alright.It's happened before, so I guess it could again. But if your not motivated, even by a new baby that he says he's wanted all his life but never been lucky enough to have, then nothing is going to do that, I suppose.

so what are you going to do ?

end up in debt like all the others ?

you realise he is seeing other women...don't you ?

he will already be lining up the next vulnerable woman to fund his "charismatic lifestyle"

be prepared to go the same way as all the others when your usefulness has been drained away..traded in for a newer, richer model

I think you are probably right.

We have mutual friends, which is how we met. But even they are dumbfounded by his behaviour.

You're saying your mutual friends are dumbfounded by his behaviour because you're trying to pretend he's not normally like this.... but he is.

I wonder if he is still with the ex who texts him goodnight every night, and they have agreed between them that he'd set up with you in order to pay off their debts.

I know that seems a possibility, but no, she has finally moved on with another man and is currently abroad. New man refuses to give her any money because he says that would be funding us, indirectly. I have found emails from her asking/telling him to ask me to pay for her. I absolutely will not.
In a way I feel quite sorry for her.... but it's not my problem. She knows all about the baby.. she's even seen him.
I have said though, that if he has promised to fund her lifestyle and clear her debts then he should honour that promise.... and earn accordingly. But it riles me that he is constantly distracted by the number of requests for money... she knows the situation but still harps on ALL THE TIME. I suggested that she finds a job.... He asked her to stop working a few years and he would look after her... but obviously that's changed.

God, I realise this all sounds like a farce..

Don't let your anger get deflected onto the ex! You need to concentrate on the person who is doing you wrong here, which is your P. Get rid of him and his ex is gone too..

I am not seeing any anger here, more's the pity

You're right. Let me amend - don't let your attention get deflected.

Look, who are you responsible for? Your dcs. Your money needs to meet their needs, and quite frankly, you're being a bad mother if you let your money get spent on/by these irreponsible adults.

What a mess! It doesn't sound like you can trust him in any way.

I'm not sure that this is genuine, so I'm gonna hide the thread.

If I'm wrong, apologies, because you need serious help and I don't think MN is gonna sort you out.

pots - what the hell do you actually want from this man?
You appear to be all "oh but he loves me and I'm sure it'll be all right eventually" - but it WON'T.

You say he has always wanted a baby - but even that hasn't pushed him into becoming a responsible adult who can provide for his apparently much-wanted child.
If THAT doesn't push him along, NOTHING will.

Just kick him out, seriously. Cut him off without a penny. Don't fund ANYTHING at all. He will find some other poor sap woman soon enough, as PeterA says, he probably has them lined up.

And FGS start getting ANGRY about the way this loser is treating you!! Stand up for yourself, stand up for your children!

Pots, as I see it there are three possible outcomes.

1. You start putting the needs of your family first, and let this guy start taking responsibility for his own messes. Remember your children are not capable of providing for themselves , that's why you have to provide for them.

1. You continue as you are now, hoping everything will be OK, until you reach a point months or years down the line where you're in vast debt and he has gone off with the next sap willing to subsidise him.

1. You just hand over all your money now. He'll still do a runner with it all, you and your children will still be penniless, but you could save yourself years of aggravation in trying to sustain a relationship based only on fleecing you and your family.

Clearly only option 1 is a sane and reasonable way forward.

To be honest, I don't think your children will care if they see the end of this relationship. They judge you as a mother, not as somebody's girlfriend.

They'll care a hell of a lot more if you all end up homeless and penniless because you are funding this man and all his previous girlfriends and failed businesses.

Pots- you say you absolutely will not pay any money on behalf of this man, but you already have given him money plus you are spending money that your ex-p gives you for other 3 children on child number 4 because you get nothing from your loser boyfriend.

Am also dubious about the 'can't have children' story, sounds like an excuse to get you to have unprotected sex. You may find he does have other children (for whom he does nothing).

You are emotionally attached to a charming mess who is bringing nothing to your life except some nice cooking and a load of grief. Its really hard to say goodbye but for you, your children and your new baby - you have to or you will end up in debt/homeless/penniless, heartbroken or all of those things. Take control of this situation, get a grip and do it. Nobody on here has said 'give him another chance, he sounds like he has potential' have they?

YOu've done the venting, now take action to move on.

good luck.