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Original poster

DP unemployed, should i pay his CSA payments to his ex?

144 replies

shouldipayHIScsa · 26/02/2011 14:23

DP lost his job in January.(long story unfair dismissal case)

DP has been going through the CSA route, as his ex was refusing to give bank details. when he lost his job and she could not get payment through his employer she has had to give up the details and now we pay direct through internet payment, and we now have proof we are paying it.

DP would prefer to keep paying her the amount he was paying from his last job. reasonably well paid before so it is a decent amount.

I do get a reasonabe income. But i am at present paying all household bills, my owns bills and debts, plus now dp debts and bills.I could afford her payments.I still have to pay childminder while dp is off work as i cant afford to lose my place with childminder (she is a fantastic one, and we know how these are to come by)

having just sorted out this months finances, if i pay her, then we will literally be eating beans on toast type of food for the next month.If I dont then will be able to get something better, tuna/fresh meat ,and some half decent bread. my son is lactose intolerant. an example is that if we pay her, then my DS will have to be told he can only have milk with cereal, and just water to drink. If we dont I can get enough of his more expensive milk that he can drink milk as a beverage rather than just water.

His ex as a bit of a twunt. Our kids go to the same school. She purposefully steers SD away from me if we cross paths at school. Walks past me and ignores me. When she calls the house and I answer she used to hang up(she has finally seen sense on this and asks if she can speak to dp rather than hang up and try again)

I need a little bit of a reality check here.

Should i be stumping up and paying her?

I think dp should just contact the csa and have his figure recalculate his figure.I think he should also back date his unemployment to when he was actually unemployed.

Dp is also in a right mood because he's a smoker, and i refuse to give him cash for ciggies. I have had to give up too. although i am very much a social smoker so it isn't a problem. He is saying as he has an "addiction" as he cals it that he is in a foul mood.he has 2 packs of nicotine patches and refuses to wear them.

he also had a wobble as me and kids are members of gym. kids have swimming lessons and membership is cheaper than lesson prices.I rarely drink, dont smoke anymore, it is my one luxury to myself. he feels its unfair and he gets moody if we go to gym as he doesn't have any money to go.

so he's off now trying to get one of those cash convertors places to sell a guitar and his wedding rings. With his big sad face on and I am the bad guy in all this

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 26/02/2011 14:25

You do not pay what you paid when you had two incomes. YOu now only have one so you get the CSA to reassess the payments based on your income only if you want to be fair.

You aren't the bad guy you are the realist. You do not pay what you paid when he was earning.

Repeat after me! NOOOOOO.

FabbyChic · 26/02/2011 14:26

OH and I think you should buy his Tobacco, not fags tobacco, you have a luxury the gym why shouldn't he have one.

CrazyHorse · 26/02/2011 14:27

There must be an official answer to this, but personally I would give the ex some money but not as much as previously.

RealityIsKnockedUp · 26/02/2011 14:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HaveToWearHeels · 26/02/2011 14:30

as FabbyChic says, get reassesed by the CSA and pay her the new amount, if she is a single mum then she may be entitled to benefits to make up some of the shortfall.

privategodfrey · 26/02/2011 14:30

Was the previous maintenance agreement based on both your salaries? If so then get it reassessed now he is unemployed.

If, however, it was based on his sole earnings prior to you living together then I'd be a bit cautious. You say you can afford to give her the money although it impacts on your DS's dietary needs - is his lactose intolerance something that would be taken into account by the CSA when it comes to your outgoings? Just be wary you don't end up having to pay out more.

RealityIsKnockedUp · 26/02/2011 14:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ENormaSnob · 26/02/2011 14:31

No.

I would reassess finances and offer a fair amount in relation to your new financial situation.

Presumably your dc will suffer if the initial payment continues.

ladysybil · 26/02/2011 14:32

i think that offering to pay for his other child will give you serious brownie points, not just with him, but with your own sense of honour. Can you realistically live with fact that you are giving your ds more expensive milk as a drink (which he doesnt need, water is better than good neough) whilst depriving your own childs sibling of essentials? can you live with yourself knowing that?
if so, then by all means refuse to pay.

however, i think that you do need to get the csa to recalculate.

I am not sure that refusing to buy ciggarettes for your dp is the best idea for your relationship. personally i refuse to even get duty free cheap ones for friends and family even when they pay me for them, but i am strongly anti smoking. decide where you want your relationship to go, and do whatever is needed for that

RealityIsKnockedUp · 26/02/2011 14:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

squeakytoy · 26/02/2011 14:33

I wouldnt pay it all, but if it means she is likely to be really struggling if she isnt receiving any money, then it cant hurt to offer her at least some of what he should be paying.

Calyx · 26/02/2011 14:34

I dont have experience but reading your post I feel that he is taking the piss. You are paying for his bills, debts and he wants you to pay this too? When it would leave you short for your child's food.

How long has he been with you? I would tell him to pay his own CSA, fags, food out of unemployment benefit till he gets a job.

What are you getting out of this partnership? Hope it's good! I am as codependent as they come but am working on it, nowadays I see 'caretaking' in others a lot and I think you need to step back and look at what's in it for you?

What would he do if you separated?

I feel for you and hope it all turns out okay.

FakePlasticTrees · 26/02/2011 14:35

Get it reassessed, you can always volunteer more than the reassessed amount if you can afford it.

Hopefully this will be a temporary situation, but if it's long term there's no point getting yourself into debt especially if she might be able to get benefits to make up the shortfall.

BringOnTheGoat · 26/02/2011 14:36

I would take her situation into account - if she was single mum with no other financial support I would be more inclined to help than if she was in a relationship with someone who has a decent income.

Agree with those who would pay a reduced amount.

balia · 26/02/2011 14:37

No - if they were still together, he wouldn't be able to contribute at the same level. It's tough - but lots of families are in the same boat. You can't afford to keep paying if your child has to go without milk, FGS.

Money worries are horrible - but TBH you both sound like you are in denial. Keeping the childminder and refusing to try the patches sound like a bit of blind hope that another job will turn up before you have to do anything drastic about the lack of income. In reality, how likely is it that he will be able to find a new job (particularly with the unfair dismissal thing going on?) You both need to sit down and plan out some worst case scenarios and make joint decisions about what you can and can't afford.

MackerelOfFact · 26/02/2011 14:37

I would pay her, but less. It would be unfair on your DS if he was having to bear the full brunt of his father being unemployed, while his half/step(?) siblings are protected. But it's not fair the other way round either, so your family should still pay as much as they can reasonably afford, even if it's only half of what was paid before.

Spread out the loss and none of the children will have to particularly suffer, just cut back a bit.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 26/02/2011 14:39

You sound very decent, OP. Your DP should stop his own luxuries whilst he is out of work, in order to reduce the amount that you personally have to pay to support his child.

I'm not anti-smoking but he has a responsibility more than you do and if you're decent enough to contribute then so must he.

Agree with the other poster about the milk to drink though, not essential, water is a heck of a lot better for your DS.

Original poster
shouldipayHIScsa · 26/02/2011 14:44

we have no joint dc. my 2 dc live with us. we have his dd at wkds. when she is here i bear all costs to that.

i was giving his money originally.but i have to give that up.As if we carried on the way he was going we would have not been able to pay the bills.

an example.. i stuck £100 in a mug. to last for fuel costs for a whole month for him.with strict instructions not to spend on anything else. he had used it within 8 days.the following week he ran out of petrol on his way to pick up my dc's from school.

Once that happened he had to confess it turned out took his dd on a trip up north while i was at work and my dc's were with their dad and bought cigs, expensive foods like cheese/pate.I was giving him money for cigs still at this time. and so too was MIL. along with weekly handouts of cash for him.i have no idea what he did with this. it certainly wasn't csa payments.

he got 1 days work last week. he used all the money he got from it to buy wine/cigs/chocs. the csa payment was due 1 day later. ... I had to pay for it as he blew all the money he received that shift. he was expecting another shift and it never came to happen was his excuse.

as for his luxury... his car was costing him a fortune, and i worked out i couldn't afford the fuel/servicing costs. as i am paying for everything and his car was due service/mot/tax in feb.

I went with him and traded in his old banger for a car thats a almost brand new. i paid the admin costs, etc.I need to give him deisel money every week to do school run when they are not with childminder. as i dont trust him if i give him enough for a few weeks. (school is only 1.5 mile away)

It is much more affordable. free tax band. 70mpg, cheap insurance and cheaper hp payments than his old on we traded. but that was only a few weeks ago. sure that a luxury?albeit cheaper than his old car to run. it is a nice new one?and to do this i have to pay off his old one. £1500 on my credit card.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 26/02/2011 14:51

Does he really need to run a car when he isnt working?

BringOnTheGoat · 26/02/2011 14:52

There must be some huge plusses for putting up with this man-child Hmm

pjmama · 26/02/2011 14:52

So he blows any money he gets on fags and alcohol and expects you to foot the bill for everything else? That is a situation I would absolutely not put up with. Sounds like you need to have a serious discussion about finances and responsiblity.

ENormaSnob · 26/02/2011 14:53

He's taking the piss love.

Essentially he is expecting your children to do without.

squeakytoy · 26/02/2011 14:54

How long have you been together? It sounds a very one-sided partnership to me

Original poster
shouldipayHIScsa · 26/02/2011 14:57

we've been together just about a year. only just moved in together just before xmas.

csa only take his earnings into account.

DP ex is in a relationship, nice house, her and her dp both work.holidays twice a year, once somewhere far flung, once somewhere in UK. so i would say they are not struggling.

As for the tobacco. surely if i have had to give up, then he should do too??

he has a new job lined up. starts in march. first wage will be the end of march.then he will definately be getting csa recalculated. in the meantime i dont feel like i should be paying her csa payments.

if he insists she keeps getting her weekly amount then he should find a way himself. since he found out he was getting this new job, he hasn't even attempted to look for another job. his profession is one which it is very easy to get casual shifts or join a bank of temp agents. i have got him all details for these, and scoured internet as he just doesn't seem to want to. he always has an excuse why he wont accept any casual labour he is offered.

OP posts:
ENormaSnob · 26/02/2011 15:02

I would ask him to move out tbh.

He is a cocklodger.