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Original poster

DP unemployed, should i pay his CSA payments to his ex?

144 replies

shouldipayHIScsa · 26/02/2011 14:23

DP lost his job in January.(long story unfair dismissal case)

DP has been going through the CSA route, as his ex was refusing to give bank details. when he lost his job and she could not get payment through his employer she has had to give up the details and now we pay direct through internet payment, and we now have proof we are paying it.

DP would prefer to keep paying her the amount he was paying from his last job. reasonably well paid before so it is a decent amount.

I do get a reasonabe income. But i am at present paying all household bills, my owns bills and debts, plus now dp debts and bills.I could afford her payments.I still have to pay childminder while dp is off work as i cant afford to lose my place with childminder (she is a fantastic one, and we know how these are to come by)

having just sorted out this months finances, if i pay her, then we will literally be eating beans on toast type of food for the next month.If I dont then will be able to get something better, tuna/fresh meat ,and some half decent bread. my son is lactose intolerant. an example is that if we pay her, then my DS will have to be told he can only have milk with cereal, and just water to drink. If we dont I can get enough of his more expensive milk that he can drink milk as a beverage rather than just water.

His ex as a bit of a twunt. Our kids go to the same school. She purposefully steers SD away from me if we cross paths at school. Walks past me and ignores me. When she calls the house and I answer she used to hang up(she has finally seen sense on this and asks if she can speak to dp rather than hang up and try again)

I need a little bit of a reality check here.

Should i be stumping up and paying her?

I think dp should just contact the csa and have his figure recalculate his figure.I think he should also back date his unemployment to when he was actually unemployed.

Dp is also in a right mood because he's a smoker, and i refuse to give him cash for ciggies. I have had to give up too. although i am very much a social smoker so it isn't a problem. He is saying as he has an "addiction" as he cals it that he is in a foul mood.he has 2 packs of nicotine patches and refuses to wear them.

he also had a wobble as me and kids are members of gym. kids have swimming lessons and membership is cheaper than lesson prices.I rarely drink, dont smoke anymore, it is my one luxury to myself. he feels its unfair and he gets moody if we go to gym as he doesn't have any money to go.

so he's off now trying to get one of those cash convertors places to sell a guitar and his wedding rings. With his big sad face on and I am the bad guy in all this

OP posts:
smokingnuns · 26/02/2011 20:44

oh goodness OP, you're keeping a lot of people happy here Shock

as for
"and dp wont eat as its from ex homeland"

THAT IS RIDICULOUS!!! (how old is he - 12?)

squeakytoy · 26/02/2011 20:49

this thread is getting more bizarre with every post by the Op..

Is the ex italian? as they at lasagne with boiled eggs..

Does that mean pizza is off the menu too?

Madness.... utter madness, and you are pandering to all of them by allowing this situation...

gaelicsheep · 26/02/2011 20:50

Only read the OP I'm afraid. You get the CSA to do a new assessment based on your DH's income alone, as they have no right to take your income into account. Then if you and your DH want to pay his ex more based on your actual income, fair dos - although your own children should not suffer for it - but it is in your control and not the CSA's.

gaelicsheep · 26/02/2011 20:51

Oops, obviously there's more to this. Will read...

DamselInDisguise · 26/02/2011 20:53

Why won't he claim jsa? He has no right to expect you to pay everything while he could be contributing something and isn't.

gaelicsheep · 26/02/2011 20:57

Re your latest post OP. If she is reasonably well off and she knows your DP is unemployed, I am frankly amazed that she would take money from you and your own children.

Ephiny · 26/02/2011 20:57

You all sound absolutely crazy to me.

Your partner for refusing to eat food from your ex's homeland (wtf)

His ex for the weird things like refusing to speak when you answer the phone.

Your ex for imposing arbitrary rules about what you're allowed to feed your own children and making you go through that ridiculous segregated shopping routine.

You for seriously considering letting your own son go without milk etc so you can pay maintenance for someone else's children.

Seriously if you genuinely are all real people I despair, I really do. You live very bizarre lives.

Original poster
shouldipayHIScsa · 26/02/2011 21:09

it sounds really bizarre, when i read it back. how on earth did it get this way??? i honestly dont know, and never realised it had got so bad.

pizza are allowed for all dc (including dp dd as she likes it, and is one of the few foods she will eat) but since my dp found out ex is italina he hasn't touched a pizza. although strangely he did before he found that out in our early dating days.

he says the 2 are not linked.

i will keep pandering to my sons weird diet. he gets what i give him. not what he chooses. but i will keep making that to limit his lactose.

dd gets same as me and ds.

dp makes his own as generally wont eat what i make dc. i offer at every meal that i will make him, but he always refuses unless it is gammon steak or something strictly non italian. he says it is coincidence that he is not hungry. but will go make a different meal soon as i leave kitchen

dp dd, usually gets a seperate meal. but i insist dp make it as i feel she should be eating with me and dc. but if i cant get him to, i am fighting a losing battle to get her to eat with us too aren't i?

OP posts:
solooovely · 26/02/2011 21:21

This is all so weird!

Janos · 26/02/2011 21:44

Having read through this thread, shouldipay the term 'out of the frying pan and into the fire' springs to mind...except it's not a fire, is it..it's a bloody raging inferno.

I agree that the food sitiuation sounds absolutely bonkers.

And your DP (who sounds like a stroppy, immature teenager rather than a responsible adult tbh) has no right to 'request' you pay maintenance for his children while refusing to even claim JSA.

Original poster
shouldipayHIScsa · 26/02/2011 21:50

thing is.. with dp previous work he was working nights, and i was working daytimes. we were never sharing a meal.

this food thing has only come to light since he has been off work.

when he starts his new job things should return to how they were.

i suppose thats me sticking my head in the sand. i need to sort this now before it gets a chance to settle in and fester.

OP posts:
Janos · 26/02/2011 21:50

Obv that doesn't apply to your son, he needs to eat properly if he's lactose intolerant.

Janos · 26/02/2011 22:37

Hope it does get sorted out, shouldipay.

Your DP is definitely being unreasonable, and he really does need to get a grip of his food issues. Not eating Italian food cos thats where your ex is from is very odd.

What would he do if your ex was from UK? Have a hissy fit at fish'n'chips? Burst into tears at Lancashire Hot Pot?

BaroqueAroundTheClock · 26/02/2011 22:40

Just come back to this he refused to claim JSA, throws money down the drain, has stupid food tantrums (he really is remarkably like my exH) - he would (as well as throwing money down the drain) refuse to eaten certain foods (for no real reason), and although when on his own he was forced to claim JSA, previously when we were still married he refused to claim any benefits even though we needed to.

He really is a tosser, and I can' help thinking if he's like this now so early on........what on earth is he going to be like 2/3/4yrs down the line - it took my exH about 6 years to get as bad as your ex is now (and continued to get worse after)

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 26/02/2011 22:49

He sounds like a total weirdo - are you sure you want him in your life?

It shouldn't be this hard, not this soon - not ever in fact but once you have X years of history together then things are worth fighting for if problems crop up.

Don't sabotage your life for him.

squeakytoy · 26/02/2011 22:50

I cant say I have ever heard of food racism before Confused

BaroqueAroundTheClock · 26/02/2011 22:54

"It shouldn't be this hard, not this soon - not ever in fact but once you have X years of history together then things are worth fighting for if problems crop up. "

exactly Ali -

hairylights · 26/02/2011 22:55

Reading this thread I am wondering what his redeeming features are and why you'd want him in your lives

PrincessScrumpy · 26/02/2011 22:58

dh eats what I put on the plate and is grateful - if he kicked off it would end up in his lap or on his head - I'm not violent but I expect to be appreciated. This is a mutual thing.

If you'd been together 5 years then maybe my answer would be different but it's only been 2 months since you moved in together - his kids are his responsibility and not yours. I wouldn't pay. If I felt his kids would suffer then I might pay something but I would meet his ex to discuss what I could afford. If his ex isn't happy with that than she wouldn't get a bean from me. This early in a relationship, my money would be my money. Sounds like dp is taking the and you need to think about how you want to be treated and how you want life to be.

gaelicsheep · 26/02/2011 23:00

I am wondering why on earth you would even be considering paying tbh. You have your own children to think of. It's not like you have a long relationship with your SDCs. I paid my DH's out of necessity to keep the b*stards off our backs, since every reassessment seemed to be the cue for more threats from them. I would never have done it in your circumstances, never.

PrincessScrumpy · 26/02/2011 23:08

I don't think it is unreasonible for an ex to expect you to feed kids healthy meals but why don't you look at the Sainsbury's recipe website where is gives ideas of meals for a family for a week for £20!

Ps. Use marg in mash not milk and dp can eat it.

Portofino · 26/02/2011 23:13

This all soounds quite mad.

  1. You are NOT responsible for paying your DPs CSA payments, especially whilst he sits on his arse and smokes.
  1. You feed your family what YOU want. Agree on a menu plan at the beginning of the week, and exH's and fuckwits can get stuffed. Seems like you are the one that is BUYING the food after all.
Portofino · 26/02/2011 23:14

Oh and 3. The DP sounds like a complete waste of space. I would lose if possible,

Morloth · 26/02/2011 23:33

What, when you get right down to it is your DP for here?

What does he contribute to the family, not just money but time and care and effort?

Because it sounds to me like he is expecting you to support yourself, him, his DC and then your DC last.

You need to sort your priorities. In your situation, my DC's needs would be top of the list and if that means expensive milk then that is a need.

So: My DC's, Me, his DC, then him.

But to be honest, I would be cutting the dead wood which in this case means him and by extension his DC because I don't think you and your DC's can afford him.

squeakytoy · 26/02/2011 23:35

Seriously Op, read your posts back, and imagine you were reading someone elses life. What would you advise them? Because to me, this "D"P, is already showing some very very odd behaviour. Controlling and borderline abusive too.

He has irrational jealousy issues with your ex. He has money problems. He has work problems. You have only lived together a few weeks and all this already?

I would be extremely careful of entering into any sort of credit arrangements that involve his responsibility to pay half.

He is in "a mood" with you because you wont buy him cigarettes, and he is happy for you to pay his maintenance to his child..

I would be very careful.