DP unemployed, should i pay his CSA payments to his ex?

[shouldipayHIScsa]

DP lost his job in January.(long story unfair dismissal case)

DP has been going through the CSA route, as his ex was refusing to give bank details. when he lost his job and she could not get payment through his employer she has had to give up the details and now we pay direct through internet payment, and we now have proof we are paying it.

DP would prefer to keep paying her the amount he was paying from his last job. reasonably well paid before so it is a decent amount.

I do get a reasonabe income. But i am at present paying all household bills, my owns bills and debts, plus now dp debts and bills.I could afford her payments.I still have to pay childminder while dp is off work as i cant afford to lose my place with childminder (she is a fantastic one, and we know how these are to come by)

having just sorted out this months finances, if i pay her, then we will literally be eating beans on toast type of food for the next month.If I dont then will be able to get something better, tuna/fresh meat ,and some half decent bread. my son is lactose intolerant. an example is that if we pay her, then my DS will have to be told he can only have milk with cereal, and just water to drink. If we dont I can get enough of his more expensive milk that he can drink milk as a beverage rather than just water.

His ex as a bit of a twunt. Our kids go to the same school. She purposefully steers SD away from me if we cross paths at school. Walks past me and ignores me. When she calls the house and I answer she used to hang up(she has finally seen sense on this and asks if she can speak to dp rather than hang up and try again)

I need a little bit of a reality check here.

Should i be stumping up and paying her?

I think dp should just contact the csa and have his figure recalculate his figure.I think he should also back date his unemployment to when he was actually unemployed.

Dp is also in a right mood because he's a smoker, and i refuse to give him cash for ciggies. I have had to give up too. although i am very much a social smoker so it isn't a problem. He is saying as he has an "addiction" as he cals it that he is in a foul mood.he has 2 packs of nicotine patches and refuses to wear them.

he also had a wobble as me and kids are members of gym. kids have swimming lessons and membership is cheaper than lesson prices.I rarely drink, dont smoke anymore, it is my one luxury to myself. he feels its unfair and he gets moody if we go to gym as he doesn't have any money to go.

so he's off now trying to get one of those cash convertors places to sell a guitar and his wedding rings. With his big sad face on and I am the bad guy in all this

The thing about not eating Italian food really is odd.

No, you should not pay this. You should kick him out. He is an abusive controlling user.

You will be an idiot to put HIM and his exwife before your own children.

Wow well this thread is quite a read (no offence).

After reading the bit about Italian food that confirmed that your DP really does need some help .. that is seriously not normal in a grown man.

Mind you much of his behaviour does not seem normal in a grown man and father/stepfather - being quite happy for your child to go without milk so he can buy cigarettes and chocolate ffs?? It's like something from Jeremy Kyle.

TBH I'm surprised you have time for a job and for posting on here when you spend so much time shopping according to everybody's requirements and desires, and then cooking it all up separately!

Shouldn't you be working as a team, instead of him seemingly making life as difficult as possible for you? Just because he made you a cup of tea on Saturday and wiped up some flour seems to have made you think he's worth sticking with, but wasn't that only because you'd confronted him about how fed up you were and he was doing some damage limitation?

Your ex needs kicking into touch as well - you eating bread and butter (hope it's not italian bread!) while the kids eat smoked salmon is setting them up with all sorts of false expectations for later life.

Seriously your life could be so much easier. I just don't get what's in it for you to keep pandering to everyone like this

oh dear this seems to be getting all skewd

katie - you seem to have read more into my posts than what i actually wrote.

I cook myself and children a meal. i'll ask dp if he wants some. he will refuse and then 5 mins later he will go and make his own.

i am not making lots of different meals for everyone. i only make things that suit ds dietary requiremtns. everyone else gets what we are having or tough. I dont go making different for everyone.

it is tricky that its easier to feed ds italian food as i am practised at making those recipes lactose free.

dp doesn't insist i make him non-italian food.he buys his own food. not sure i made that clear. we have several shopping trips. but some dp does on his own(and he picks up ds milk along with our own, and will get stuff we need for kids lunches ,etc out of his own pocket)

I most certainly dont eat bread and butter while my kids eat smoked salmon ffs.

and my ds is not going without milk. asisaid ... he still get his special milk for cereal , etc. but it will be the difference between having enough to offer him it as a drink along with water. we dont drink juice. dont feel there's any need. its just a pile of sugar in a cup i feel.

Anyhow, he is now wearing the patches. no more smoking. starting his new job this week. paying his own maintenance payments, and sent off all relevant figures to have them adjusted.

I am sure there are some on here who have partners who are a bit pants with cash. from everyone i speak to in RL, there is always one person of the couple is hopeless with money, and the other is in control of the finances.

my DP has debts. But nothing major. Perhaps when I said debt it was assumed I was implying he had thousands and was a bad egg.

I am in control and will remain in control of the finances. Simply because i am more organised. He is better than me at the housework. It's the way we have divided up the share of workload as a partnership.

I wanted opinion on wether other partner whould pay the csa payment. In relation to that I got my answer. and we have done what you wise MNers have recommended.

I dont think I should immediately go out and dump my dp.

He's been made unemployed. I was supporting him, I would expect him to support me if i had been made unemployed. Yeah, he was a bit shit with the cash. But it has taken our conversation for him to realise that he no longer earns the large salary he was before. and he MUST learn to live within his means.

I feel badly for all of those who's partners are in well paid jobs, if they suddenly lose them, and end up having to be at home and look after the kids and house. Temporary SAHD till they get a new job.... what are you going to do? refuse them any money?

If a woman who was a SAHM came on here and said her husband gave her money, and because she spent it on something her husband never approved of , he dumped her.

the man would be a long list of twunty terms.

My X was like this about anything Brazilian, because I lived there when I was 20/21 (over 20 yrs aog) and wouldn't listen to music, eat anything from there.

X is an Ex because he turned out to be a controllin abusive.

Your DP is a bit of a prick, champagne tastes and soda water budget. You have not been together long enough to have to shoulder this shit.

You put £100 and he basically STOLE it to go off and do something without telling you, and then rather than come clean, runs out of fuel on the school run.

This relationship is a waste of your time, it's way to soon be doing all this.

DP only eats £10 fillet... DP won't eat fresh fish, he won't eat a frigging lasagne... or now a pizza because your ex is Italian.

You clearly have been a bit of a push over, your XH dictating your menu, your DP also sabotaging it

You need to stand up for yourself, your DC and stop being told what to do, but being expected to pay for it all.

I don't like the sound of this DP at all.

RED FLAGS A GO GO.

littlemiss - i find your post rude.

xh - doesn't dictate my menu, it is a request.

thats what happens when a parent politely request that you feed dc something we both think is healthy for them.

dp has fillet or nothing. true.. but he will happily have mince type stuff. its just he doesn't want a steak as such if its rump or quick fry as doesn't like it.

he also dislikes fish. no other reason than he dislikes it. should i shove it down his throat?

It is entirely different supporting a partner within a long-term relationship or marriage, to supporting someone who is very new in your life.

And the not eating Italian food once he found out that your XH is Italian is the weirdest thing I have ever heard, not to mention one of the most controlling.

I wish you well OP, but I suspect you'll be back here moaning about how much of a twunt your DP is before long.

alibaba - do you suggest that if a couple move in together, and one inevitably loses their job, they should tell them to stump up or move out?

you dont move in with the intention of it not being long term. should i get out the calendar and say i wont be supporting him through difficult time till we've been together "x" amount of years or you put a ring on my finger?

dp had fixed a permanent job within 2 weeks of being unemployed. shame it wasn't immediate start. But he still got himself back in the workforce. should that not be proof he wasn't just here to sponge off me?

Shouldipay,

You might find her post rude but sadly truth often hurts. You are being played for a sucker by both your ex and your current. I dont suppose either of them can believe their luck that you are rolling over and taking this shit!

You ex needs to be told to butt out, what you do when the kids are with you has nothing to do with him. And you current needs to grow up, shape up or ship out. He is controlling and childish, and you are letting him behave that way.

You need to remove the Welcome mat from your head and stop allowing people to take the piss and walk all over you. If you dont like hearing that then I'm sorry but as I said, the truth sometimes hurts.

You are given maintenance to raise your DC full time and told that they have to eat certain things, do certain things.

The way you expressed it infers that you have to comply, not that XH and I have agreed on £X per month and out of that I fund swimming lessons. I have not heard of a XH ever dictating a menu, that they must eat fresh fish and meat once a week. It's ODD for someone to stipulate certain meals. It implies you can't be expected to provide a good quality menu for your DC. It suggests you are not a good cook, and in brackets mother. It's outrageous, I am livid for you.

Whether it was done for these reasons or not, they way you have expressed it makes it come over that you have no say in the feeding of your children.

My X is a right twat, as mad as a snake. He is an italian trained chef, a brilliant one, up his own arse, think Gordon Ramsay with an accent and you are close. He is scathing with me if I deliver less than restaurant quality food. EVEN HE wouldn't tell me what to feed DS.

Now for your DP. You have recently met him and have moved in with him. Fine, your choice. He knew you were married/with someone before him, the kids would have been a bit of a giveaway.

So this bloke, in their lives as a live in friend of yours for a few months is now dictating that Italian food may not be eaten.

What kind of idiot does that? What is that teaching YOUR DC about THEIR heritage and blood line, that it's somehow not good enough? That it's not good food, that the Italian bit of it makes it BAD? what is that going to do to their self esteem? They are HALF ITALIAN, there is nothing wrong with being Italian.

Your DP is now out of work, refusing to sign on and actually bloody contribute to the family, content to take the £100 and without discussing it with you, blow it, AND a whole day's pay on himself. He won't get off his behind and get some work now in the short term, because he has something lined up to start in March, so won't get paid until APRIL. Meanwhile you are covering all the bills.

He doesn't get to dictate anything, not because he is out of work, but because he is not contributing a single thing to this family unit, effort, understanding, support, none of that. He is only draining it.

He will take money from YOUR family, steal it actually, but also thinks you ought to fund his fags, and thinks that you shouldn't go to the gym, despite it being paid for by you and your XH.

You might think my post was a tad rude, I'd say the way you are allowing these men to treat you and your DC is actually OFFENSIVE.

You are not dumping him because he lost his job, but because he is behaving like a shit to you and your kids.

Turning it around.
Should a couple continue to live together even if one person is taking the piss, treating the other badly and have not respect for the other person, and take full financial advantage and otherwise contribute little to the relationship, just because one of them have lost his/her job?

You are not responsible for him. You are responsible for yourself and your children.

I don't think a couple should split if one loses their job. I don't think him eating different food at different times is an issue either. I agree that one person is often better at money in lots of relationships.

However, I do think the disrespect shown to you with regard to money and his general attitude of entitlement is not a good sign for the future. If the shit ever really hits the fan (e.g -one of you loses their job and can't secure another quickly, or whatever else life throws at you) do you think he will be a support. From what you say I agree there are red flags a go go. I hope you aren't back here in a while saying things are worse.

BringOnTheGoat - I don't think eating different food at different times is intrinsically an issue.........but when it's because of the nationality of the ex I think it is.......especially if he's going to cook himself something 5 minutes after being offered what the OP has cooked.

He says it's not about the ex, she thinks it is - all a bit petty IMO - think new partner has issues far beyond not eating lasagne.

LittleMissHissyFit makes an excellent point about the heritage of your DC.

DH has a mate who got caught up in some football-related shite in Palermo and swore off Italian food for ever (which lasted all of a month) but this from your DP, alongside everything else, is quite worrying.

Hope it all works out for you OP.

I nominate this loser for Cocklodger of The Year 2011.

You can run for Sucker of The Year, but there's a lot of competition for that prize on this forum.

Honestly, read back your own posts to yourself. This guy's lived with you a little over a month and he's a nutter, a controlling leech.

You're putting up with it and your kids get to watch it all.

There are a lot of harsh words here, and I hope the OP has not been scared off. Being made redundant is a horrible shock, and many of us would/have behaved in ways that are out of character. OP is rightly trying to support her partner and started off from a very noble (if misguided ) standpoint of considering the welfare of another woman's child.

However, the bit that concerns me is the apparent willingness to spend her children's money on this guys debts/fags/responsibilities, whilst he is too proud to claim benefits. To me, that money should be sacrosanct. And if you can't pay basic bills to keep a roof over your children's heads without it, then you can't afford to buy a car for your new b/f.

And the stipulations agreed privately between her and her ex would lead me to think that her ex had a pretty good suspicion that his money might not go on his kids from the word go.

Nah, cocklodger of the year is the guy on this thread.