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Original poster

DP unemployed, should i pay his CSA payments to his ex?

144 replies

shouldipayHIScsa · 26/02/2011 14:23

DP lost his job in January.(long story unfair dismissal case)

DP has been going through the CSA route, as his ex was refusing to give bank details. when he lost his job and she could not get payment through his employer she has had to give up the details and now we pay direct through internet payment, and we now have proof we are paying it.

DP would prefer to keep paying her the amount he was paying from his last job. reasonably well paid before so it is a decent amount.

I do get a reasonabe income. But i am at present paying all household bills, my owns bills and debts, plus now dp debts and bills.I could afford her payments.I still have to pay childminder while dp is off work as i cant afford to lose my place with childminder (she is a fantastic one, and we know how these are to come by)

having just sorted out this months finances, if i pay her, then we will literally be eating beans on toast type of food for the next month.If I dont then will be able to get something better, tuna/fresh meat ,and some half decent bread. my son is lactose intolerant. an example is that if we pay her, then my DS will have to be told he can only have milk with cereal, and just water to drink. If we dont I can get enough of his more expensive milk that he can drink milk as a beverage rather than just water.

His ex as a bit of a twunt. Our kids go to the same school. She purposefully steers SD away from me if we cross paths at school. Walks past me and ignores me. When she calls the house and I answer she used to hang up(she has finally seen sense on this and asks if she can speak to dp rather than hang up and try again)

I need a little bit of a reality check here.

Should i be stumping up and paying her?

I think dp should just contact the csa and have his figure recalculate his figure.I think he should also back date his unemployment to when he was actually unemployed.

Dp is also in a right mood because he's a smoker, and i refuse to give him cash for ciggies. I have had to give up too. although i am very much a social smoker so it isn't a problem. He is saying as he has an "addiction" as he cals it that he is in a foul mood.he has 2 packs of nicotine patches and refuses to wear them.

he also had a wobble as me and kids are members of gym. kids have swimming lessons and membership is cheaper than lesson prices.I rarely drink, dont smoke anymore, it is my one luxury to myself. he feels its unfair and he gets moody if we go to gym as he doesn't have any money to go.

so he's off now trying to get one of those cash convertors places to sell a guitar and his wedding rings. With his big sad face on and I am the bad guy in all this

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 26/02/2011 15:02

YOu still have the gym he has nothing.

Do not pay any CSA money until you get it recalculated, your children should not suffer as a result of him not working.

If he insists you should pay them then fuck it don't give him anything. Not even fuel costs children can walk a mile and a half easy.

BringOnTheGoat · 26/02/2011 15:03

Why would you need to scour internet??? He needs to get off his arse. Am baffled why you put up with this kind of behaviour. I put up with quite a lot in past though and am still confused why I did! Wouldn;t now though - maybe reassess your priorities?

In light of new info I would not be paying his CSA

Calyx · 26/02/2011 15:03

Is he a drinker? (I have experience of that... hence my codependency comment earlier). Could explain the disappearing money, selfishness, "unfair dismissal", unrealistic expectations of you and your purse, etc etc. Even if not, you are being expected to put a lot on the table. Is he putting anything on the table at all?

My alarm bells are jangling for you :( and if it were me, I would be thinking how to get away from the situation unless he is matching your contribution to your relationship. What does he contribute?

Bogeyface · 26/02/2011 15:05

Leaving aside the fact that I think he is taking the piss money-wise and that you should be telling him where to get off with his spending....

...you do need to contact the CSA with regards to calculations because if you agree with her a reduced amount, she could then go the CSA and say that he isnt paying the full amount and it will go onto arrears.

Get it re-calculated, pay that and then deal with his attitude to work and money in the mean time.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 26/02/2011 15:05

I would run a mile actually, OP... this man doesn't sound at all committed to anybody - not even his own child. He's not going to be a good father figure for your DCs but it sounds as if he sees you very much as a good mother figure for HIM.

He should move out, get his own place and head sorted out ready for his new job - and then if you want, start dating you on that basis again, not this caring and sharing (one sided from you). He's using you.

You deserve better than this, OP, but if you allow him to treat you like this, he will as he has no character to get up and take charge of himself.

Men like this make me so angry... I wish the government (any government) would make men financially responsible for the children they sire, from birth till 18, job or no job. Angry

squeakytoy · 26/02/2011 15:06

Ok.. well to be honest now that you have given a bit more info, I would say no, dont pay it.

A year is not a long time, living together a month and he loses his job.. that would worry me actually, because the moment you put a roof over his head, you are now funding his life.. that isnt right.

Let him deal with his CSA problems, they are not YOUR problems.

Original poster
shouldipayHIScsa · 26/02/2011 15:06

there are some pluses.

he does all the housework and is essentially a SAHD. i work the early shift in my job, so i get up and go to work before everyone is up. he gets the kids up and takes one to school and the other to the childminder for those few hours. we use the childminder 3 days. and my dp had them 2 days while i work. as his days off used to be through the week so we have kept it that way. so childminding costs aren't much,but still there to be paid iykwim.

he does the housework so i dont need to and since the weather has been good he has been sorting the garden.

but he is in a fowl mood as he says he doesn't like living this way that i am paying everything.

i really do wish we could have the situation as before where i could give him cash to use,and it would be a situation where one person is SAH, and one working, but after incidents like the one i have mentionned i cant trust him to give him cash, as right now we simply cant afford the things he is buying.

we need the car as there is no public transport at the time i go to work, so i need my car, and my sons school closest to us was oversubscribed, the 1.5 mile was for ds to school is a bit much for a 4yo.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 26/02/2011 15:09

He has only lived with you for month. How did you manage to cope with school runs etc before this?

He doesnt like the way you are paying for everything, because you are not giving him any money. Sorry to sound harsh, but I really think you could be making a huge mistake with this man.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 26/02/2011 15:12

He sounds like he likes the lifestyle just fine, actually. What he doesn't like is you attempting to curb his spending an (rightfully) dictate what he can use the money you're giving him on.

If he really didn't like it, he'd be taking any job offered... and he wouldn't be abusing the cash that you give him.

He's not a SAHD, I think that's a label that you're giving him... what does he actually do for your DC? He's a houseguest who does a bit in the home and garden.

Is there more to this story, OP? Hmm

eviscerateyourmemory · 26/02/2011 15:13

From what you have posted I dont think that you should be paying his CSA payments.

This relationship and the living together sounds like it is causing a lot of trouble for being so new.
I would be tempted to ask him to move out.

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 26/02/2011 15:14

1.5 miles is not too far for a four year old, people are over reliant on cars.

Get rid of the second car, with him in it Wink

LoveBeingAKnockedUp · 26/02/2011 15:16

If it is only till mar/apr then I would get it reduced. As others have said if they were together she wouldn't get anything.

Btw whatcardid you get him need to reduce dh's car outgoings?

Original poster
shouldipayHIScsa · 26/02/2011 15:24

we didn't have school runs before. i moved to his area and we got a place (to rent, i wasn't that mad to stick my finances with him yet),

in my old place i had different job. school was i street away. i used to walk him and dd. when i worked they were in a private nursery.

as from march when he starts the new job, the dc will be going to the childminder from 7am and he will not be doing that anymore.

as for gym
for my membership, its only £15 difference than gettin kids on their own due to family discount, where as dp membership would be £38.75 as you can only link one adult to the kids.

he gets a subsidised gym at his new work. 1/4 of the price as the council gym we are members off. another reason for me not paying for his at council.

part of my agreement to the maintenacne i receive from my exp(this maintenance is used to cover essentially bills etc also as my wage is not enough to pay rent/bills) is that this maintenance covers swimming lessons. hence the reason the have the membership still at times like this when we are struggling financially.

OP posts:
RealityIsKnockedUp · 26/02/2011 15:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BaroqueAroundTheClock · 26/02/2011 15:29

"n example.. i stuck £100 in a mug. to last for fuel costs for a whole month for him.with strict instructions not to spend on anything else. he had used it within 8 days.the following week he ran out of petrol on his way to pick up my dc's from school.

Once that happened he had to confess it turned out took his dd on a trip up north while i was at work and my dc's were with their dad and bought cigs, expensive foods like cheese/pate.I was giving him money for cigs still at this time. and so too was MIL. along with weekly handouts of cash for him.i have no idea what he did with this. it certainly wasn't csa payments.

he got 1 days work last week. he used all the money he got from it to buy wine/cigs/chocs. the csa payment was due 1 day later. ... I had to pay for it as he blew all the money he received that shift. he was expecting another shift and it never came to happen was his excuse."

RUN - running for the god damn hills. It's very honorouable you're offering to pay his CSA payments -but the man is an irresponsbile leech - and I can tell you from experience that men like this don't learn, will constantly be looking at you to bail them out, and in the long run will probably end up you in up a nice pile of debt.

BaroqueAroundTheClock · 26/02/2011 15:30

you're not with my exH are you Hmm - awfully similar - recently lost his job, renound for blowing his money on fags and booze and crap........just moved into a rented place with his GF Shock - strikingly similar apart from the fact I don't think she's got a DS.

Original poster
shouldipayHIScsa · 26/02/2011 15:31

what should i be expecting him to do more of then?

he does have a job to start?

he has just walked in with money from the stuff he pawned. and sloped off to the kitchen to tidy.says he his going to give exp £10 to cover last week and this week. and contact csa and get it recalculated on monday. do csa operate on wkds?

OP posts:
BaroqueAroundTheClock · 26/02/2011 15:35

you shouldn't trust him with a single bill - which makes him a leech. 8 days to spend £100 of money set aside for fuel, blowing the whole wage packet from his one days work??

I will never ever EVER again go anywhere near a man that can't control their spending. I don't mind if there's debt.........we've all made mistakes, but if they can't prioritise money and spend it where it should be spent - no way - not over my dead body

comeandsitbythefire · 26/02/2011 15:41

Poor you! All this sounds vaguely familiar...so what EnormaSnob said...

and FabbyChic and also ApocalypseChesseToastie as they said it better than I could. I hope this is not too honest for you OP, good luck!

Earlybird · 26/02/2011 15:43

Just curious - with his new job, will be be paid more/less/the same as he was paid at his old job?

When working, is he pretty good with managing his money? Or, is he accustomed to simply spending essentially whatever he wants?

StewieGriffinsMom · 26/02/2011 15:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Earlybird · 26/02/2011 15:49

i find it interesting/puzzling that he has chosen to pawn stuff rather than get a few extra shifts of work and earn the cash - if it is easy to get extra shifts (you said it was).

So - his new job starts on Tuesday?

forehead · 26/02/2011 15:49

Don't pay for his child. It is up to him to provide for his own child. He should get off his arse and find a job ffs. What would he do if you were not living together

Acanthus · 26/02/2011 15:54

You have no responsibility to maintain his children, of course you should not pay the CSA.

eileenslightlytotheleft · 26/02/2011 16:02

No definitely not. Why should you? You need to have very clear boundaries here, I think - your responsibility is to your own children (and to his child when she is actually in your home, to a certain extent).

But you are not responsible for maintaining him, especially as you can't trust him with money. You are definitely not responsible for his ex or for maintaining their daughter. You just need to be clear that she has two parents who are responsible for her.