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Original poster

DP unemployed, should i pay his CSA payments to his ex?

144 replies

shouldipayHIScsa · 26/02/2011 14:23

DP lost his job in January.(long story unfair dismissal case)

DP has been going through the CSA route, as his ex was refusing to give bank details. when he lost his job and she could not get payment through his employer she has had to give up the details and now we pay direct through internet payment, and we now have proof we are paying it.

DP would prefer to keep paying her the amount he was paying from his last job. reasonably well paid before so it is a decent amount.

I do get a reasonabe income. But i am at present paying all household bills, my owns bills and debts, plus now dp debts and bills.I could afford her payments.I still have to pay childminder while dp is off work as i cant afford to lose my place with childminder (she is a fantastic one, and we know how these are to come by)

having just sorted out this months finances, if i pay her, then we will literally be eating beans on toast type of food for the next month.If I dont then will be able to get something better, tuna/fresh meat ,and some half decent bread. my son is lactose intolerant. an example is that if we pay her, then my DS will have to be told he can only have milk with cereal, and just water to drink. If we dont I can get enough of his more expensive milk that he can drink milk as a beverage rather than just water.

His ex as a bit of a twunt. Our kids go to the same school. She purposefully steers SD away from me if we cross paths at school. Walks past me and ignores me. When she calls the house and I answer she used to hang up(she has finally seen sense on this and asks if she can speak to dp rather than hang up and try again)

I need a little bit of a reality check here.

Should i be stumping up and paying her?

I think dp should just contact the csa and have his figure recalculate his figure.I think he should also back date his unemployment to when he was actually unemployed.

Dp is also in a right mood because he's a smoker, and i refuse to give him cash for ciggies. I have had to give up too. although i am very much a social smoker so it isn't a problem. He is saying as he has an "addiction" as he cals it that he is in a foul mood.he has 2 packs of nicotine patches and refuses to wear them.

he also had a wobble as me and kids are members of gym. kids have swimming lessons and membership is cheaper than lesson prices.I rarely drink, dont smoke anymore, it is my one luxury to myself. he feels its unfair and he gets moody if we go to gym as he doesn't have any money to go.

so he's off now trying to get one of those cash convertors places to sell a guitar and his wedding rings. With his big sad face on and I am the bad guy in all this

OP posts:
fluffygal · 26/02/2011 16:13

OH' ex has never paid a penny for my 2 SS's. Even when she was with her ex-husband (he worked, she ever has) she didn't pay. Its not your responsibility to pay, like others have said, if they were still together she wouldn't be getting any money.

saffy85 · 26/02/2011 16:22

I was gonna say maybe pay a reduced amount but now I've read whole lot and also how much your, ahem, "D"P takes the piss I don't think you should. Not out of spite against his ex and their DC but because the more responsibility you take on, the les proactive your DP will be getting his arse in gear and taking care of himself.

Also bear in mind you and your DC have sacrificed a lot already by moving away and starting again to be with this man. I don't think your DC should have to be denied anymore at the expense of others. Especially a grown manchild who blows £100 of someone else's cash right after he's lost his job. You sound a lovely person OP. I'm sure you and your DC deserve better than him.

Takeresponsibility · 26/02/2011 16:35

I too was going to say pay a reduced amount but his dc(s) won't suffer if they go without for a couple of months and yours will. If you were together long term and had the benefit of saving money because he was childminding etc then maybe some of that saving should go to his dc(s), but the circumstances you describe you have to support all four of you on one wage and he...well he does nowt.

If I was your ex and my kids told me they were going without to support your boyfriend I would be livid, if they told me they were going without to support your boyfriends keds then I would stop your maintenance and buy the lactose intolerant food myself out of it and send it home with themin a shopping bag- I know thats not right legally but I'd still do it.

Takeresponsibility · 26/02/2011 16:36

Food in the shopping bag, not the kids!

Original poster
shouldipayHIScsa · 26/02/2011 16:37

hello,

we'll we've just had a chat. after you lots harsh words i have finally taken the bull by the horns and told him to get his life sorted himself.

he's already on the phone to csa for advise and gathered up his p45 and bank statements of his and ours joint to find out which he needs for proof of payments.

i've made it clear i am no longer paying for his way. i have agreed he will get fuel money for his new job and that it is. obviously i get enough food for us all. but i am expecting he finds some sort of odd job before the end of march or a regular 2nd job as we have had a gas/electric bill thats much above what we have been paying in dd payment. its £300 above what was expected as he's been at home with heating and electricity on, and i expect him to pay it.

he's been told there will be no second chance.either it improves drastically and quickly, or he will be out. he cant afford the rent on his new wage, whereas i have proved i can. more so without him. so i will be staying.

fingers crossed ladies. he is a good guy. and we had no problems with him contributing while he was working. when we lived seperatly he paid halves if not more when we did things together.

OP posts:
DuelingFanjo · 26/02/2011 16:41

of course not..you even have to ask the question.

The CSA wouldn't be taking your salary into account when working out what he should pay for his children. get them to re-assess his payment based upon his current income.

how on earth has this man so far persuaded you to pay so much for his lifestyle? crazy!

Calyx · 26/02/2011 16:44

Well done :) :) I'm really pleased for you.

Wish my DH did some housework when he wasn't working

Fingers crossed that it all works out. I'm certain he will gain some respect for you because you are laying boundaries and telling him what's fair.

Good luck for him with his new job too.

Bonsoir · 26/02/2011 16:49

You've been together a year, are not married and have no children together and he expects you to pay his CSA payments for his children while he smokes cigarettes?

Run a mile. Get away from this man.

Ephiny · 26/02/2011 16:49

Good for you telling him to get it sorted out. Definitely don't think you should be covering his payments, and am appalled that he would see your son go without milk so you can give him money for cigarettes or gets 'moody' about the children having swimming lessons when he can't go to the gym Hmm. That doesn't sound like normal behaviour for an adult and a parent...

hairylights · 26/02/2011 16:52

Your income is nothing to do with his personal commitments to his children. The answer is no. He needs to spend all day every day looking for a job.

ChunkyPickle · 26/02/2011 16:59

Off topic - but have you looked into lactase tablets for your DS.

A guy I know who was dairy intolerant said they made an enormous difference (now he can eat Pizza when out, before, the cheese gave him all sorts of difficulties)

I don't know if you can get them in the UK, I think the ones here are called something like lacteeze

balia · 26/02/2011 17:06

Agree with takeresponsibility - I'd be livid if my children's maintenance was being used to support some feckless cocklodger who expected his commitments to be covered at the expense of my children's food. Can't believe you even considered this for a moment.

Original poster
shouldipayHIScsa · 26/02/2011 17:21

calyx - he's got the dinner on, and now cleaning up while i have spent most of the day studying in my pj's and making ds's birthday cake.i've left the kitchen a bomb site of bakeware and icing sugar dust on every surface. he's made me a cuppa aswell while he clears up my mess.

all seems well again. he's made enough to pay his csa till he gets paid, he's given me the rest. which will essentially just be given back for his fuel for the month. but at least that way he is paying for it. he did buy cigs before we had the chat, but he is determined to use the patches once they are done.

chunky - its not too severe. he can have things made with dairy, but not pure dairy iykwim. if he has milk or yoghurt he has an awful upset stomach and is stick to the loo, and cant hold it in. lots of poo accidents in his pants, if he has milk before bed he poo's the bed in his sleep.

when he is on that "lactofree" brand of dairy stuff he has normal poo's. so unless we buy the more expensive lacto free varieties he misses out on yoghurts/milk/cheese. if we have pasta with cheese we go for things made of lacto free products, or made of goats cheese seems to be ok for him.

how do the tablets work? i'm not keen on medicating for something which could be avoided by just changing his diet.

OP posts:
Original poster
shouldipayHIScsa · 26/02/2011 17:26

it is true, ex would be livid if he knew some of his maintenance was paying dp share till he's back in work.

OP posts:
Drizzela · 26/02/2011 17:26

It depends what the child's costs are... I think if you can afford to, you should cover half of the child's costs. But if it was a large amount of CSA before as you say then some of that money must be going towards the mothers living standard and I don't see that as your responsibility.

Original poster
shouldipayHIScsa · 26/02/2011 18:04

its £125 a month. might not seem alot. but having paid it for jan and feb already,i didn't see i was unreasonalbe to want it not to be my burden.

he never asked outright that i pay it. just that he would rather it was paid in full rather than reduced rate, and i agreed thinking it would only be a week or so. i should of perhaps spoke up sooner.

OP posts:
Original poster
shouldipayHIScsa · 26/02/2011 18:05

drizzela - do you mean in general?

i should half his childs costs. at present dp pays nothing at all towards my dc. i buy everything. food , etc.

OP posts:
privategodfrey · 26/02/2011 18:20

From what I can see the income from a partner of the non-resident parent is taken into account by the CSA if they are living together.

privategodfrey · 26/02/2011 18:22

Aha, ignore that - that is only for arrangements made before 2003 so it won't affect you :)

As you were

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 26/02/2011 18:28

Jesus wept - get rid of him before he drags you into a complete financial mess.

It seems like you work hard to support your kids and give them a decent quality of life, and having this idiot hanging round is compromising that.

CarGirl · 26/02/2011 18:39

If he's on JSA or whatever it's called his maintenance due is £5 per week..............

Truly he should really reduce his maintenance payments until he is actually earning again.

piecenjam · 26/02/2011 18:56

My dp lost his job in November and has been doing bits and pieces without bringing home enough money since with no hope of anything better on the horizon. He still drinks and smokes. I am about at the end of my rope and am going to read him the riot act (again), which may lead to us splitting up this evening.

For the first time in my life, I think I am depressed. I can't sleep, my work (I have a stressful and challenging job) is suffering, my relationship with my teenage dd is suffering as I am so snappy and I cry all the time.

I too was a single parent with a good standard of living and since he came along six years ago, I have never been able to get my head back above water financially as we got a mortgage/car etc together and he hasn't ever given me his share. We have one (gorgeous and lovely Smile) child together, but this doesn't half muddy the water.

A cautionary tale Sad Please put yourself and your kids first. I don't know how I am going to get out of this and in many ways he is my perfect partner - he is funny, sexy, kind, respectful, thoughtful, lovely to my dd and our dd, a great cook, good round the house and his family are nice (if dysfunctional). Unfortunately, I don't think his approach to financial responsibility will ever improve.

OMG Sorry for the hijack!

tyler80 · 26/02/2011 19:07

Ok, here comes the science bit.

Lactose intolerance means you don't have enough lactase enzyme to properly digest large amounts of lactose. This means it passes into the colon without being properly digested where bacteria feed on it and produce gases etc. which cause the symptoms you describe. The tablets are simply a lactase supplement, providing the body with enough lactase enzyme to digest lactose and prevent symptoms.

I have a couple of friends who are lactose intolerant and generally they avoid dairy (or certain types of dairy) but they find lactase tablets are great sometimes so that they don't have to worry about what they're eating, or when their friend suddenly tells them at a BBQ that they forgot something had yoghurt in it Grin

And I wouldn't class lactase tablets as medicating as such, they are not drugs, it is simply replacing something that is lacking. You take them with meals when necessary, not all the time.

smokingnuns · 26/02/2011 19:08

Well, to go against this strong tide...

He sounds honourable that he wanted to keep up the payments for his dd. You say he didn't ask you to pay them, he just voiced that he didn't want to let her down. In his eyes, he'll be earning very soon and expected/hoped you would cover for this short time - which is reasonable hope/expectation within a partnership imo, though too much in a new partnership. BUT it sounds like he has no idea what living with no money is actually like, what it entails, and was still on 'salary' spending. If he were on his own, he would probably have done the same and then realised, as he has now, that uh-oh, can't do that any more. Has he lost his job before OP? You're fresh at living together and probably enjoying it - he perhaps didn't want to do some grotty shifts at the moment, particularly as he was entirely confident a proper job would come along very soon. He got that wrong though - he does have to take a grotty job for now.

Thankfully - and thanks to MN - he is now on the straight and narrow and realises that when he doesnt have a job 1. he can't spend as he used to and 2. he needed to have a bit more understanding of ettiquette in a new relationship. You've lived together 2-3 months and already he's lost his job - that's quite a biggy during the honeymoon period.

I appreciate that many women have had some vile experiences with cocklodgers and men who are incontinent with money - but a man who insists on paying CSA when his ex has a partner and a good standard of living gets the thumbs up in my book (just that he had to make every effort to pay it himself). Plus, a man who will tidy up your shit in the kitchen is worth a fortune.

I hope I'm right OP and that he's a good egg.

YesPleaseDrChristian · 26/02/2011 19:12

If Ex is working and also has a partner who is working I absolutely would not pay maintenance from your salary at all.

Your DP must contact CSA and let them know the situation urgently.

The ex cannot in good conscious take money from you which is leaving you struggling all the while they are a two income family.

When your DP gets a new job you can start up the payments again.