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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand how someone can take their own life

111 replies

SunshineisSorry · 26/02/2011 08:54

and just want to say - whatever seems so bad just now, may well not even matter this time tomorrow/next week/month/year.

Three suicides since xmas in our local area, same spot :( Two of these people known to me (not really personally, but to say hello to iyswim). Both of them, on the surface, had everything to live for. Seemingly succesful businesses, sorted lives, people i have evnvied. One guy - my age (40s), three daughters Angry, gorgeous, WTF would he take himself off and stand in front of a fucking train? WHY???

I can't get my head round it, i just can't. I suffer from depression/anxiety and we are struggling with almost insurmountable debt, likely to lose our house - even at my very lowest ebb (and i have been low and completely irrational)i have a survival instinct because i cannot comprehend or even begin to think about the damage it would cause my children if i were to do such a thing.

I fluctuate between thinking that these people are selfish bastards, and weak, but i know deep down this is not true. I have often felt that my DDs would be better without me, but deep down i know this isn't true - even in moments of "madness" i just don't know how anyone could actually do it. I think i have been as close to suicidal as you can be without actually being it, if that makes any sense at all and thats what frightens me, things are stressful for us just now, but they are good, i have beautiful children and a loving DP and no matter what happens with the money stuff etc I HAVE A FUTURE!!

It pains me deeply that there is possibly someone i know, well or otherwise, a neighbour, a mnetter at this moment in time who actually believes that there life is worth nothing, that even if things are as shit as shit gets, there is no way out other than oblivion.

I can only conclude that there is something very very wrong in their brain chemistry. Can't face up to their lives, but can stand in the path of an oncoming train? Hmm Sad

We need to, as human beings, have more empathy for others - we need to TAKE NOTICE of people. We go through our lives absorbed in our own problems and people who we assume are doing ok are as low as a human being can get.

OP posts:
linziluv · 26/02/2011 09:05

For me, I get the whole suicide thing....but sometimes can't get my head around how they do it...loads of pills/booze, fall asleep never wake up....but hanging oneself and jumping off bridges is completely beyond my comprehension!
Like you, I've been so depressed that I felt my family would be better off without me, but always snapped out of it (thank god!).
I hate people who say it's selfish...to that person it's a completely selfless act...they wholly believe they are doing right by everyone.
It's so sad that it comes to this, and I believe men are more likely to do it as they're not encouraged to seek help like women are...they tend to bottle up more...
We had 3 suicides within a month round here, all young men, 2 hanged themselves, one threw himself off motorway bridge .One was so depressed as his ex was making his life hell re. access to kids, etc...she'd even got lads to beat him up several times. I just hope she can live with herself.

Karenc3 · 26/02/2011 09:08

People who take their own lives do it quickly and we a lot of the time cannot see it coming.
Having had family members (Not instant family) who have taken their own life I can tell you no matter how much you try to muddle out that mind set there is just no way of getting there.
Like you I have felt like I have been at the bottom of the pile, but my three kids are more than enough to stick around for. Cannot count the things in life that have been thrown up, and then you find out someone has went and committed suicide because of _ and then thought .. Why?
Not easy to understand at all.
Doctors sometimes don't even see the signs and that is even with families telling them that they feel the individual is a danger to themselves (Doctors released someone I know well even with us begging them to keep said person in)
All I can say is maybe a visit to where they are buried might help you - not to understand what they done but settle your mind? :) Hope you feel better soon.

TheSecondComing · 26/02/2011 09:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TotorosOcarina · 26/02/2011 09:13

YABVU,

For you, a person content within their own life, to try and understand the mentality or thought processes of someone so desperate and distraught is ridiculous. These people don't wake up one day and think 'y'know what would really piss my mum/dad/wife/kids off... killing myself, yea, I think I'll try that, just for the crack of it'

Its just not like that.

And i don't feel its something that cae, or shoud bculated over because the reasons for suicide are so vast and varied that it would be imposible to even start.

GirlWithTheMouseyHair · 26/02/2011 09:13

I have been there. It is unexplainable except that there is just no other option left.

Original poster
SunshineisSorry · 26/02/2011 09:13

TSC - im not judging, maybe this was the wrong place for this thread, just trying to understand. I don't suppose anyone ever will. :(

OP posts:
Animation · 26/02/2011 09:15

I don't think all men who do it are mentally ill. In some cases it seems to be an act of aggressive - getting back at someone - usually at a wife.

Interesting how very few mothers commit suicide.

Original poster
SunshineisSorry · 26/02/2011 09:16

Totorosocarina - i don't feel like that at all, i just feel desperately sad for people that they can get so low. ME? content with my own life?? Yeah, righto Hmm

OP posts:
Balaclava · 26/02/2011 09:18

My Dad took his own life.

It is incomprehensible to me and still breaks my heart that he found suicide to be his only option.

I hated him for what he did for a long time but have now come to terms with his death if not his way of going.

I am/was his only child and I wasn't enough to keep him here.

TotorosOcarina · 26/02/2011 09:19

Well I know nothing about your life but from your OP i gather you are NOT suicidal, so thats where the 'content' comment comes from, I simply meant that you can't understand something so desperate if you have never been there.

Original poster
SunshineisSorry · 26/02/2011 09:20

So what you are saying then Totoro is that the years of psychological research that has gone into investigating the thought processes of people suffering from the sort of mental illness/stress that forces them to take such desperate action is a waste of time then?

The people locally who have done this have, on the surface, had everything to live for - and i know that no-one really knows what is going on with another person, but when you hear of genuinely lovely people, happy go lucky, friendly, empathetic (sp) people doing this it makes you question what is going on with the world, doesn't it?

OP posts:
Original poster
SunshineisSorry · 26/02/2011 09:22

Balaclava - i am so very sorry for your loss. :(

OP posts:
monstermissy · 26/02/2011 09:22

My friend hung herself last summer, she had a long history of mental illness and had just spent some time in hospital. She wanted a future, she had a boyfriend she loved good friends and a house and good job. She wanted to have babies and enjoy life. However her mental illness made it almost impossible for her at times. She didnt want to die but she couldnt go on with her head in the place it was.She needed peace. Who are we to say she should continue in such turmoil, why must she suffer to keep us and her family happy.

I dont blame her, i can understand as she was at a low time and had been for a while. It is so very sad for everyone to lose her but more because she was never able to recover from the demons in her head. Poor poor girl rip.

shirazgirl · 26/02/2011 09:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Balaclava · 26/02/2011 09:24

The thing with suicide is that you can rarely see it coming. People, my dad included, can appear happy go lucky and if you were to meet them minutes before they take their own life you would be oblivious to their plans as you would see the normal happy go lucky person.

I asked my psychotherapist if meeting me that day would have changed anything. He said no.

Suicide is a horrific thing to live with believe me.

MorticiaAddams · 26/02/2011 09:25

I suppose you are not being unreasonable to not be able to understand but it's wrong questionning why they choose how they do it.

No matter what I have been through I have never had these thoughts but have had somebody close to me who did and it does torture you mentally wondering whether you could have done something to help.

Anyone who is so desperate that they believe their family and friends would be better off without them could not be expected to think of whoever is going to find them or the train driver they are going to scar for life, they are just not in any fit state to.

The vast majority of us look at our children and the most painful feeling in the world would be to imagine not seeing them grow up. Can you imagine how bad about yourself you must feel to truly believe you would be doing the best thing for them by taking your own life.

Animation · 26/02/2011 09:26

Sorry to hear that Balaclava. My sympathies lie with the families like yourself who have to deal with the aftermath.

Original poster
SunshineisSorry · 26/02/2011 09:26

"However her mental illness made it almost impossible for her at times. She didnt want to die but she couldnt go on with her head in the place it was.She needed peace. Who are we to say she should continue in such turmoil, why must she suffer to keep us and her family happy."

That is very poingant (bugger my spelling) Monster - i understand that, i think :( such a shame

OP posts:
Karenc3 · 26/02/2011 09:28

Shirazgirl I agree with you there, you see it on the news so much these days. How they can do it is beyond me...without making up reasons for them the only reason I can remotely connect to them killing there kid to is they belive in an afterlife with their kid. Wiked Folk out there.

YouCouldntMakeItup · 26/02/2011 09:29

My friend took her own life. She was so mentally ill that she trusted only one person, and that person ended up watching her die because she had been summoned to the scene and it was too late to save her.
Her illness and paranoia had been growing for a long time and to get to the point where a) You want to die and b)You want to die in such a violent way is very very hard to understand.
I believe she was literally out of her mind. From the woman's account who witnessed it, she was very distressed, way, way past the point of logic or reason.
She left behind a 17 year old son.

Beetroot · 26/02/2011 09:30

Sometimes there is nonchoice in it. some people can just function in this world sadly

Balaclava · 26/02/2011 09:30

I blame myself tbh. I let Dad down and disappointed him which more than likely added to his mental health issues.

I had no idea of the true depth of his depression until afterwards when his sister decided to tell me the truth. If only I'd known before.

I suffer from depression myself and qtvtimes can see how he reached his decision. However, I could never act on it. I am the living proof of the mess suicide leaves behind.

Original poster
SunshineisSorry · 26/02/2011 09:35

Does anyone think that we are under so much pressure to be "happy" that people who are in such a state feel failures for not being? When i had PND, no one knew, I thought my life was "perfect" trotting along to M&T with my perfect child (well of course she is Grin) my perfect buggy etc etc. It was the thoguht of not being perfect that used to torture me - I blame society, we are expected to acheive, achieve stability, achieve status, achieve financial security, have stuff, be beautiful, have things that demonstrate that we have those things, and provide those things for those we love? Why can't we just BE? Maybe thats a different issue as im sure we all feel these pressures, but they don't, Thank God, drive us to such desperation

OP posts:
ObiWan · 26/02/2011 09:36

'AIBU To not understand how someone can take their own life..?'
I don't know whether you're being unreasonable, but if you genuinely can't understand it then you've been lucky.
You might have a lot to put up with at the moment, but something keeps you going. Quite obviously there is nothing like hope on the horizon for those who do commit suicide. It may be that the decicion they take comes in one moment of acutely disordered thinking, as a result of mental illness or something else. It may be entirely illogical to everyone but them.
Sometimes it is seemingly well thought out beforehand.
The thing is we can never completely know another person. No matter how well we think we know them, a part of their mind/charcahter is known to them alone.
I can absolutely imagine that there will be situations in which parents may think their family will be better off without them, of conversely, will feel that their children will be better of not left behind.

The absolute lack of hope is a desperate, horrible thing.

altinkum · 26/02/2011 09:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.