To not understand how someone can take their own life

[SunshineisSorry]

and just want to say - whatever seems so bad just now, may well not even matter this time tomorrow/next week/month/year.

Three suicides since xmas in our local area, same spot :( Two of these people known to me (not really personally, but to say hello to iyswim). Both of them, on the surface, had everything to live for. Seemingly succesful businesses, sorted lives, people i have evnvied. One guy - my age (40s), three daughters , gorgeous, WTF would he take himself off and stand in front of a fucking train? WHY???

I can't get my head round it, i just can't. I suffer from depression/anxiety and we are struggling with almost insurmountable debt, likely to lose our house - even at my very lowest ebb (and i have been low and completely irrational)i have a survival instinct because i cannot comprehend or even begin to think about the damage it would cause my children if i were to do such a thing.

I fluctuate between thinking that these people are selfish bastards, and weak, but i know deep down this is not true. I have often felt that my DDs would be better without me, but deep down i know this isn't true - even in moments of "madness" i just don't know how anyone could actually do it. I think i have been as close to suicidal as you can be without actually being it, if that makes any sense at all and thats what frightens me, things are stressful for us just now, but they are good, i have beautiful children and a loving DP and no matter what happens with the money stuff etc I HAVE A FUTURE!!

It pains me deeply that there is possibly someone i know, well or otherwise, a neighbour, a mnetter at this moment in time who actually believes that there life is worth nothing, that even if things are as shit as shit gets, there is no way out other than oblivion.

I can only conclude that there is something very very wrong in their brain chemistry. Can't face up to their lives, but can stand in the path of an oncoming train?

We need to, as human beings, have more empathy for others - we need to TAKE NOTICE of people. We go through our lives absorbed in our own problems and people who we assume are doing ok are as low as a human being can get.

PLEASE don't say that Baclava, PLEASE - i don't know what makes you think that as i don't know your personal circumstances. That is NOT why your father took his own life, I don't know why he did it but you must not think that because there is no logic in it. I'm sure your father would be so proud of you

I am very sorry if this thread has opened up wounds for you :( I am going to ask for it to be removed

It's not your fault Balaclavia. Kids usually blame themselves - and that's one of the reasons I feel so bloody annoyed with fathers who do this. It leaves families carrying this unwarrented guilt on their shoulders, and they find it hard to shake off.

We have NO control over what other adults chose to do, kids especially.

Sunshine - I don't think this thread needs to come off. It's OK - just supportive.

Does anyone think that we are under so much pressure to be "happy" that people who are in such a state feel failures for not being?

No, it's an illness like any other and sometimes can be helped with medication but past that I don't believe we or anyone else has any control over it any more than other illnesses.

Obi - yes, im lucky but not sure that im lucky enough not to understand as that sort of implies that i'm in the minority of people who don't iyswim. Most people don't understand, because i think you are probably, sadly right - until you have been at that point there is no understanding.

Of the three people I know who committed suicide, all of them were in treatment for mental health issues (scizophrenia/depression/manic depression (as was then called)).

One just could not cope with the loss of his mother. Another had a baby on the way with his wife, another was pregnant herself. None gave any warning, they just did it. The woman actually had come off meds because of the baby which us why I believe it happened with her. The guys just couldn't cope with life but unfortunately chose violent ends witnessedby others.

I used to feel angry with these people but you have to understand when they do this they are past a point of reason and responsibility. I believe their every waking thoughts are full of noise and pain and they want it to stop. There is very little you can do.

On the other hand I have a relative who makes 'attempts' on her life all the time. It is very draining and she is destroying her parents with the constant cries for attention. We believe this is what they are as those who mean it just do it as I know too well. But one day she might fuck up and there'll be another.

Anyway, rambling, it is an awful thing for those left behind. I get so bloody angry when I hear about these teenage suicide chat rooms

With people posting to egg the confused kids on - these should be banned and the operators prosecuted.

I felt like it and nearly done it.I had deep seated problems from my childhood and just wanted an escape. luckly I realised I done something stupid and phoned my dad.I can see how people can do it and it's very sad as they must of been very unhappy

Balaclava I highly doubt he would have been disappointed in you, don't think like that :)

For many a year I thought my mum had died thinking I was a horrible daughter (Car Crash) I had been the one who phoned her up and asked her to come through! And I know this is not suicide but what I am getting at is the uncertainty as to if the parent was upset with you - I ended up all over the place thinking this and found letters (Yup lucky me) all addressed to me. After reading them I do not feel a parent can every be disappointed - maybe think you should have went in another direction from time to time but they look at it as a learning curve :)
Your dad may have seen your learning how to live life and for that he'd have been proud.

No Sunshine please leave the thread.

I've often thought of starting one myself but haven't been brave enough.

It hasn't opened old wounds, I'm just trying to share my experience.

There is more to Dads story as he changed his mind. I don't know the full truth of what happened .

well I took and OD nearly 3yrs ago. I can honestly say that at the time I blieved it was the best thing for my children, and myself. It was only 3 days later before I was discharged from hospital when I was asked "who would have found you" - that I realised it would have been my children would not only have been left motherless - but them that found me as well

Thankfully I was never of the state of mind that my children would also be better off dead as well.

But I can assure you there is no "rationality" in the seemingly rational decision that people committing or attempting suicide makes.

And Daisy you are still here, thank god, and i pray that you are happy and this is what i want to scream at these people. I wonder how many people are walking around following a failed suicide attempt, having found peace and being able to have a good (if not brilliant) and worthwhile lives. This is what makes me want to scream at people sometimes.

and you think that screaming at them would help - they are ill - you wouldn't scream at someone with a broken leg and tell them to stop making a fuss would you?

of course not baroque - i understand mental illness, but it does't stop me from feeling desperation and the need to do "something" iykwim. I have sat with a bottle of tablets in my lap -i'm not taking this lightly, believe me.

My FIL took his own life three years ago. My MIL found him, and I dont think she has ever got over the shock. My husband has suffered from depression on and off since this. It has completely changed our lives and he didnt leave a note, there was no reason for it, (that we knew of)but he had suffered with bi-polar on and off for most of his life.

i suppose squeaky, that was his "reason" :( nothing anyone could have done.

A dear friend and colleague took her own life in New Year's Eve. She was beautiful, artistic, warm, thoughtful and compassionate. I struggle with feelings of anger towards her when I look at the broken shells of her Mum and Sister, but I do understand why.

To the rest of the world, she had it all, but her feelings of inadequacy were completely overwhelming. She would analyze everything she did or said because she felt she didn't get anything right and this led her to believe that she was hurting all the people she cared about. I can't imagine how exhausting her life must have been... she strove for perfection in everything she did but just couldn't achieve it (in her mind).

I miss her every day.

I haven't read the other replies, but just wanted to say that not understanding it is a GOOD thing.

I used to be exactly the same as you and when a couple of my DH's friends committed suicide I really could not understand why.

Then I had PND and I came to totally understand it. I wish I never had and was still oblivious to how you can lose control of your own thoughts and feelings.

Shockers there's nothing wrong with feeling angry at times. There are so many emotions you have to deal with when somebody you love takes their own life and anger is part of that even when you rationally know it wasn't there fault.

I found a forum for those left behind after suicide and they helped me alot. Just to be able to share my 'story' and to talk with others who had been through the same as me made a huge difference.

I was 23 when Dad died. My eldest child was 3 when my aunt phoned to tell me about Dad, and still remembers my reaction almost 12 years later. My aunt later apologised for giving me the news over the phone and while I was alone in the house with a toddler but she was in shock too.

All these years later and I still wish I knew the full story of what led him to make that final decision.

My best friend suffers PTSD. One of the symptoms is suicidal depression. Even though her rational mind knows she has a future to look forward to, when the feeling comes over her, often for no identifiable reason at that point in time, then she has to fight a tremendous internal battle not to kill herself. The feeling of despair os overwhelming.

Each time she comes out the other side of that black cloud the is always releived she didn't succumb that time. She has tried in the past and has fortunately been saved.

I have been severely depressed and suicidal. I know it's probably different for everyone but the reason I wanted to end it was that I was in pain every minute I was awake. I was also gripped by horrible fear. I was afraid of having a shower, afraid of going outside, afraid of the future. I could function, in fact I went to work every day, but underneath it all I was barely surviving. Luckily my DH understood what was going on and helped me through it.

Suicide isn't a selfish act, and to think that it is is to totally misunderstand mental illness. The survival instinct is the strongest instinct any animal has - people will cut off their own limbs to survive. You'll also realise that if you've ever tried to wax your own legs or rip off a plaster that it's extremely difficult to cause yourself pain. So if someone gets to the place where this fundamental instinct is no longer functioning then they must not be rational. I know I wasn't. Dying seemed like a blessed relief to me, a way to get away from the fear and pain I was feeling. People don't calmly choose to selfishly kill themselves - they get to point where literally every resource they have is depleted and they honestly feel death is the only way out that they have.

Also, it really annoys me when people say "Oh why didn't they talk to anyone?" I talked, I definitely did. DH listened but no one else did. Everyone else - my mum, my dad, my sisters, felt I was "making a big deal of things" and that I should "snap out of it." They got annoyed when I wouldn't go out for walks and buy new clothes, as if doing these things would definitely cure me and I was being deliberately stubborn by refusing to do them. I tried to explain to them that I was ill and that walking and shopping don't cure illness (if only!) and that I needed their time and understanding, not their constant stream of useless "advice" and their annoyance when I didn't take it. I think I eventually got my dad to understand a little bit how I felt but my mum was utterly utterly useless. In the end she used to ring me telling me how upset she was about me. WTF? I will never ever tell her how I'm feeling again.

I think people hide how they're feeling precisely because they know others won't understand. Chances are all those people mentioned on this thread tried to say something to someone and got that usual "Oh it's not that bad, it'll get better." So, after all that, all I can say is that if someone comes to you with dark thoughts, listen Don't tell them it'll be ok, don't try to talk them out of it, just let them talk That's all my DH did for me, he let me vent my crazy thoughts over and over and over and eventually they shrank and went away.

I think it is the feeling of "there but for the grace of God go i" that these recent suicides have illicited in me that i find so scary and difficult to understand. Maybe they had more problems than i do, maybe they didn't, maybe they were ill - how fine is that line? [scared]

Thankyou for sharing writer of dreams,you sound very brave and i admire you. I can't be doing with the "pull yourself together brigade either"

I almost feel like my OP was pointless as i guess i already knew the answer to the question anyway.
With everyones excellent and thoughtful comments i can almost see that there is not point in trying to understand, and why do i have the right to do that anyway

Maryz that is really disturbing because you know that as circumstances changed, so would have their outlook on life. My friend's Mum chose the charity Papyrus in her memory. It is a suicide prevention charity for young people.

Writerofdreams your DH sounds utterly wonderful.