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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not understand how someone can take their own life

111 replies

SunshineisSorry · 26/02/2011 08:54

and just want to say - whatever seems so bad just now, may well not even matter this time tomorrow/next week/month/year.

Three suicides since xmas in our local area, same spot :( Two of these people known to me (not really personally, but to say hello to iyswim). Both of them, on the surface, had everything to live for. Seemingly succesful businesses, sorted lives, people i have evnvied. One guy - my age (40s), three daughters , gorgeous, WTF would he take himself off and stand in front of a fucking train? WHY???

I can't get my head round it, i just can't. I suffer from depression/anxiety and we are struggling with almost insurmountable debt, likely to lose our house - even at my very lowest ebb (and i have been low and completely irrational)i have a survival instinct because i cannot comprehend or even begin to think about the damage it would cause my children if i were to do such a thing.

I fluctuate between thinking that these people are selfish bastards, and weak, but i know deep down this is not true. I have often felt that my DDs would be better without me, but deep down i know this isn't true - even in moments of "madness" i just don't know how anyone could actually do it. I think i have been as close to suicidal as you can be without actually being it, if that makes any sense at all and thats what frightens me, things are stressful for us just now, but they are good, i have beautiful children and a loving DP and no matter what happens with the money stuff etc I HAVE A FUTURE!!

It pains me deeply that there is possibly someone i know, well or otherwise, a neighbour, a mnetter at this moment in time who actually believes that there life is worth nothing, that even if things are as shit as shit gets, there is no way out other than oblivion.

I can only conclude that there is something very very wrong in their brain chemistry. Can't face up to their lives, but can stand in the path of an oncoming train?

We need to, as human beings, have more empathy for others - we need to TAKE NOTICE of people. We go through our lives absorbed in our own problems and people who we assume are doing ok are as low as a human being can get.

OP posts:

sharbie · 26/02/2011 13:03

just to echo other posts you are v v lucky op if you really can't understand the reasons.

i feel that people who are in this desperate situation do look and sound completely normal to others but that is probably exactly the problem in most cases - they can't communicate with others how they really feel.feeling that other people wouldn't understand or be able to help must be at the crux of this.

a very sad thread.

expatinscotland · 26/02/2011 13:04

'My dear cousin took his own life just like that, he was young and had everything to live for.'

To him, he didn't.

My mother's friend's daughter committed suicide recently. She had suffered from paranoid schizophrenia since she was a teen (she was 36 at the time of her death).

The drugs these patients have to take to control their illness have serious effects on their physical health, often enough. Frequently, too, the illness is beyond control.

Such that she had very poor physical health for the last two years of her life and this made her mental condition even worse.

She knew she could never live independently and this also affected her.

Basically, she was a very tormented and ill person and to her, in her note at least, ending her life was the only way she felt she was ever going to get any peace and not feel physically ill, too.

WriterofDreams · 26/02/2011 13:07

Sorry HK I reread your post and I realise you were talking about how you deal with things rather than about depression. Sorry for coming on a bit strong!

Original poster

SunshineisSorry · 26/02/2011 13:09

I think writer of dreams summed up my feelings of lack of understanding quite well - people are jumping in front of trains, i can't bring myself to pluck my eyebrows! I have self harmed in the past but that is very different that was part of it, but the whole thing of a horrific death - it breaks my heart.

OP posts:

Hk13 · 26/02/2011 13:15

Writer - no probs :)

WriterofDreams · 26/02/2011 13:20

I know I'm very sensitive about this (as poor HK discovered) but I do feel very strongly about it. It really annoys me when people say "He had a great house, lovely kids etc why did he commit suicide?" How good or bad a person's life is is totally irrelevant. No one says "He had a great house, why did he get cancer?" because it's a ridiculous thing to say, thing is it's just as ridiculous when it comes to mental health. This is what makes people with depression feel so isolated. When they talk to people about how they feel and they're told "But you have lovely kids, a great partner, your life is so worthwhile" all they hear is "you have no right to feel the way you're feeling, shut up."

Original poster

SunshineisSorry · 26/02/2011 13:22

I don't feel like that at all writer, i think people need to understand thats all, but really - we have no right. I see what you are saying, im sorry if this thread has upset you :(

OP posts:

violetmoon · 26/02/2011 13:24

My mil has recently attempted suicide. She says its work troubles but I cant fathom why she would want to leave her children and grandchildren. My dp is very upset, we see her frequently and dcs love her (we had a new baby last year too). This has happened once before, many years ago before the dc. Up until last year she frequently looked after our dc (has been fine many years now) but started to become erratic. However since the more recent attempt we have had to stop the visits without us being there. Sorry for the thread hijack but is this being unreasonable? I dont think she would harm my dc but I keep reading these awful stories you know? If she were to do this again, I would feel as though it might have been partly our fault for saying no when she asked to have my dc. We still visit although not as often since dc2. She is still seeing a psych 3 times a week and the most recent attempt was weeks ago. I cant understand why she did it, Im with you op. We are all here for her but she is dp and his siblings only family where we live. She has lots to live for, nice house etc, however I cant begin to understand depression as I am lucky enough to have never had it.

Original poster

SunshineisSorry · 26/02/2011 13:25

I'm sorry i started this thread, i can see that it was a thoughtless thing to do.

If i am honest, it scares me, the suicide thing, becuase it think, christ, if they can do it then maybe one day........

Ive asked for thread to be pulled, im sorry for any upset

OP posts:

Original poster

SunshineisSorry · 26/02/2011 13:27

violet - your poor MIL, i understand your fears, but i would strongly suggest you at least try and talk to someone about it before you take what could be a lifeline away from her.

OP posts:

thumbwitch · 26/02/2011 13:27

Ah Sunshine - I don't think the thread should be pulled - it's allowing people to express a lot of the misunderstanding and misapprehensions that surround suicide and mental illness. In other words, a lot of good information is coming out on here - it would be a shame to lose it.

violetmoon · 26/02/2011 13:31

Sorry cross post with lots of people, meant to say I know it seems awful to say, she has a nice house etc, really I mean I wonder what else is happening that we dont know about to make her feel as though there is absolutely nothing to live for. Not even us, selfish as that sounds?

MaxiCosy · 26/02/2011 13:31

Don't ask for it to be pulled,if we pull something every time someone gets upset or angry about anything then there will bugger all on MN.

It is an emotive issue, there will be anger & sadness.

Original poster

SunshineisSorry · 26/02/2011 13:31

thanks thumbwitch, i have reported anyway so if it goes awry then it can be monitored i guess. I remember you, im lucyellensmum in a previous encarnation. x

OP posts:

Animation · 26/02/2011 13:31

Sunshine - on the contrary this thread might be useful to more people than might think.

Don't carry it on your shoulders. Take a break.

Original poster

SunshineisSorry · 26/02/2011 13:32

or even incarnation

OP posts:

thumbwitch · 26/02/2011 13:33

Ah, I remember you too as LEM. I hope they decide to let it stand - we'll see. Stop feeling guilty about it though - as others are also saying, it will be useful and may prove helpful to someone else in a close situation as well.

violetmoon · 26/02/2011 13:35

I know sunshine. Its too late now we have said no unsupervised access. I would say the same if it were dp or I, or my family. I just feel awful about it. We have told her she can come here anytime to see dc and we go there.

tulpe · 26/02/2011 13:36

I think its really important that this thread stays put, Sunshine.

I just wanted to add this link to Samaritans .

Not many people are aware but you can email Samaritans if it is too hard to talk. They won't see your email address - emails are assigned random numbers which appear in the "address" section as the Samaritan reads them, therefore preserving your anonymity.

I have been a Samaritan for a long time and you hear so many reasons for people feeling this way. And yes, it is quite common for a suicide to seemingly come from out of the blue, with the person concerned being very calm or chatty. TBH, I always say that its the callers who are calm who are more than likely going to go through with ending their life. They aren't hysterical. They have made a choice and just want to spend some time talking with someone anonymous before they die. Sometimes whilst they die.

janiesmum · 26/02/2011 13:36

when someone jumps off a building or stands in front of a train and its your husband literally scraping up the bits and then coming home upset because it has been a young lad or he has had to break the news to a wife and her children, sometimes its not easy not to see it as a selfish act :(

alemci · 26/02/2011 13:40

I think you are right violetmoon. material goods are irrelevant when you feel really miserable. Nothing helps.

i think this is a very good thread and everybody is being open and non judgmental.

squeakytoy · 26/02/2011 13:45

Violet, please rethink about that with your MIL. There is absolutely no history to think that she would do anything at all to harm your children. If anything, spending time with them is likely to make her life feel more worthwhile. Taking it away from her and not allowing her time on her own with them is likely to make her feel even more worthless as a human being.

WriterofDreams · 26/02/2011 13:47

I don't want the thread to be pulled at all Sunshine, I think it is very worthwhile :) I am glad to have the chance to maybe help people to understand depression/suicide as that might result in them helping and possible saving someone else one day, which can only be a good thing.

Bottleofbeer · 26/02/2011 13:51

When I was seven my best friend's mum hung herself. I've always had a vivid memory so remember her well. She was always 'odd'. It was the mid 80's when she did it but dressed in 70's clothing, I now wonder if that was just harking back to the last time she felt happy or if maybe she just stopped caring about then. I remember being told her nerves went when her daughter was born, with hindsight it must have been PND that perhaps she never got over. She was determined, it was no cry for help. She used to get her head down and ignore people she knew in the street. She kind of scurried away from us as kid when we were playing at her house.

Then one day she totally changed, she seemed happy, she was brightly saying hello to people, played board games with us and brought us biscuits. She did it a few days later. It was generally thought that once she knew she could do it for definite her mood brightened.

I used to feel bitter about it because it caused me all kind of problems as a kid including debilitating separation anxiety from my own mum but now I realise there was no helping her, she would do it eventually. As an aside her brother also did it a few years later.

violetmoon · 26/02/2011 13:58

Not necessarily harming my children squeaky toy, more the risk of her trying to attempt suicide whilst they are in the house.lthough I keep thinking of that awful story in the news about the nurse who stabbed her dd last week . She has not had my dc for months now due to being erratic but asked to have them only 2 weeks after last attempt. I am happy for her to see dc, just not without us being there. Would you really let somebody who is suicidal and cant be left alond look after your children?

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