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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to sternly tell a teenager off in a swimming pool changing room for swearing?

114 replies

ChaosTrulyReigns · 24/02/2011 16:11

She was calling her friends, very loudly, a bunch of bastards.

I said "stop that now, that is not appropriate in front of all these children."

She walked off muttering, I then asked her to apologise, to which she said she wouldn't as she wasn't sorry, but wouldn't do it again. Hmm

I repeated that I would like her to apologise for causing offence, and she again refused saying that she didn't need to apologise to anybody if she didn't want to.

All the other moms were muttering about her being a disgrace, the life guard eventually got her to grudgingly apologise to the room and told me later that they already knew who she was because of her attitude.

My friend who was with me told me she wouldn't have got involved, but I feel that this sort of behaviour needs to be challenged, albeit I normally do it in a more gentle, "Come on,guys" sort of way. I was just so shocked at the word and the volume that I went straight into cross mom mode.

What I'm really asking is AIBU to speak to an unknown child about her behaviour?

OP posts:
babyapplejack · 24/02/2011 16:13

I personally wouldn't have interfered.

If my children had actually been listening, I would have reminded them that the words are ones that they are not allowed to use and why. (kids are 4 and 2).

I think that I'm going to be in the minority but I am going to say YABU. There plenty of behaviour that goes on in public places that I don't approve of but I don't consider myself to be the enforcer in the situation.

LittleMissHissyFit · 24/02/2011 16:13

YANBU, good for you. A few more people like you and perhaps there would be a lot less verbal abuse of our DDs

IFishWife · 24/02/2011 16:14

Not unreasonable to have called her on it, perhaps unrealistic to insist on an apology. She would have been too embarrassed, and dug her heels in.

Drives me bonkers, but then I find many adults are just as inconsiderate of LO's ears.

BristolJim · 24/02/2011 16:14

Not for asking her to stop, but wholly unreasonable for making her apologise. Any apology should be sincere, and a forced apology can never be so.

You were basically humiliating her and she'd have been well within her rights to tell you where to get off in terms that left little ambiguity.

gapbear · 24/02/2011 16:14

I would have asked her to refrain from swearing, but would not have expected an apology.

So YAhalfNBU, imo

octopusinabox · 24/02/2011 16:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AgentZigzag · 24/02/2011 16:20

Sometimes I can't help myself saying something, but I'm not sure whether I'd have pushed for an apology, it kind of smacks of trying to humiliate her rather than just show her it was inappropriate.

Never mind, done now, hopefully she'll think twice about what kind of language she uses.

You're a brave person all the same Smile

GypsyMoth · 24/02/2011 16:20

Agree......yabu to expect an apology

Littlemisshissy....... What did you mean about dd's and verbal abuse?

MrsDmitriTippensKrushnic · 24/02/2011 16:20

Can I fence-sit and say both? YANBU to pull her up and ask her to stop, but I think you were going too far in insisting on an apology. She wasn't doing anything wrong, she wasn't swearing at you or your children. It was inappropriate and very annoying but not worth the continued confrontation.

Original poster
ChaosTrulyReigns · 24/02/2011 16:20

Oh no I'd given up on the apology by then - I agree that there's no value to a forced apology - the life guard had forced it out of her. I had gone back to my own family by then.

I don't really know why I asked for a second apology (adrenaline maybe?), but I do think she needed to understand that her actions had an affect on others and that she needed to address that, which is why I asked her to alopogise in the first place iyswim?

OP posts:
IslaValargeone · 24/02/2011 16:20

Not unreasonable re the language, but unreaonable re the apology.

FourFortyFour · 24/02/2011 16:22

YANBU to tell her off but I wouldn't have bothered asking her to apologise as that is pushing it.

I would be interested to see if she tells her parents what happened and if her mums posts it on here.

Original poster
ChaosTrulyReigns · 24/02/2011 16:22

I think you're probably all right.

I shouldn't have asked for the apology.

Sad
OP posts:
BarbaraSeville · 24/02/2011 16:23

I think you didn't go far enough.

I think you should have told her to turn to the person next to her, wink suggestively and then mime their response in expressive art to the rest of the room. And tell you all what colour her pants were.

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 24/02/2011 16:23

What's wrong with a bit of humiliation ?? It might make the girl think twice before sharing her foul mouth with the rest of the room

Original poster
ChaosTrulyReigns · 24/02/2011 16:24

[wunk] at Barbara.

OP posts:
Maryz · 24/02/2011 16:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OutOutLetItAllOut · 24/02/2011 16:28

not BU for asking to her stop.
which she did.
and yet you went on for try to make her appologise? for doing something that is not illegal and would physiclaly hurt anyone?
for that yabu.

Maryz · 24/02/2011 16:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GypsyMoth · 24/02/2011 16:30

Would you have challenged another adult in the same way?? Or a younger child? And demanded apologies from them?

Or are teens seen as fair game?

Original poster
ChaosTrulyReigns · 24/02/2011 16:30

I thought swearing was some sort of public order offence. Confused

I didn't speak out because of the legalities of the issue, I spoke out because it was inappropriate in that setting.

OP posts:
FourFortyFour · 24/02/2011 16:31

They are not fair game but it would have been a completely different situation if it had been a younger child or an adult.

nikki1978 · 24/02/2011 16:32

Well done for pulling her up on it and yes you probably shouldn't have tried to force an apology. Still no harm done. I was at the park with my kids this week and two teenage girls who were standing a few metres away and talking very loudly (in that annoying teenage way Grin) and saying the word fuck every third word like it was something impressive. Normally I would say something but they were so loud they seemed a bit intimidating. Plus the kids were playing and seemed oblivious.

I once pulled up two teenage boys who were smoking weed in a childrens playground Shock. But I wasn't rude I just said "Come on, have some respect this is an area for kids". They tried to make out it was a rolly but I was like Hmm I do know what it smells like you know Grin. They were fine and buggered straight off. Teens get so defensive there seems little point pushing them. And swearing is disrespectful in front of children etc but it's not like she was doing grafitti on the walls is it?

Original poster
ChaosTrulyReigns · 24/02/2011 16:33

Tiffany, I realise now I was in the wrong asking for an apology. Smile

Yep, I would, as said higher up the thread, ask others to refrain, but normally would do it in a sort of gentle, mock exasperated way. Which has worked before, and the normal response is "sorry, love/mate/miss etc". And I'd ask any age of person to do it.

OP posts:
OutOutLetItAllOut · 24/02/2011 16:33

in your opinion it was inappropriate, she was probably not thinking the same way you were tho.
and tbh she said she would stop. so as soon as she was made aware, she changed her behaviour i would have thought that was good enough.
but ah well, she might not do it again, and honestly its not worth worry too much about.
the life guard was out of order to force her to appologise to a room full of people tho.

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