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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to sternly tell a teenager off in a swimming pool changing room for swearing?

114 replies

ChaosTrulyReigns · 24/02/2011 16:11

She was calling her friends, very loudly, a bunch of bastards.

I said "stop that now, that is not appropriate in front of all these children."

She walked off muttering, I then asked her to apologise, to which she said she wouldn't as she wasn't sorry, but wouldn't do it again.

I repeated that I would like her to apologise for causing offence, and she again refused saying that she didn't need to apologise to anybody if she didn't want to.

All the other moms were muttering about her being a disgrace, the life guard eventually got her to grudgingly apologise to the room and told me later that they already knew who she was because of her attitude.

My friend who was with me told me she wouldn't have got involved, but I feel that this sort of behaviour needs to be challenged, albeit I normally do it in a more gentle, "Come on,guys" sort of way. I was just so shocked at the word and the volume that I went straight into cross mom mode.

What I'm really asking is AIBU to speak to an unknown child about her behaviour?

OP posts:

xstitch · 24/02/2011 16:34

YANBU but very brave imo.

activate · 24/02/2011 16:34

The continual demanding of an apology was out of order IMO

but the asking her to stop swearing was not

GypsyMoth · 24/02/2011 16:35

Well the actual word used is a legit word, can think of worse wordstone girl could have used, you only need to look here on mn for offensive......really offensive, words.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 24/02/2011 16:37

I think you were unreasonable to press for an apology. Many people swear nowadays, in front of their children - or if they don't - they have no compunction in swearing in front of other people's children.

A reminder to your own children not to swear would have been enough I think.

Original poster

ChaosTrulyReigns · 24/02/2011 16:37

I'm not a prude when it comes to swearing, but as I tell my lot, you really need to make sure you're in appropriate company before you do it.

I'm perfectly fine with the swearing on here.

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 24/02/2011 16:38

I don't go along with not encouraging a 'forced apology', they should say sorry whether they are or not in my book, or no child would say it at all surely?

But I think getting a DC to apologise (especially to a roomfull) would be up to the parents.

It was inappropriate language and you pulled her up on it, but disciplining her is another matter.

I can see why in the heat of the moment you wanted her to acknowledge she was wrong though.

GypsyMoth · 24/02/2011 16:38

Chaos....... For what it's worth, I would ask others to stop too. In fact I have done. Got teens myself and one who thinks swearing is sooooo cool.

Original poster

ChaosTrulyReigns · 24/02/2011 16:40

Thanks Agent and Tiffany.

OP posts:

amiheartless · 24/02/2011 16:47

good telling her to stop

apology was not needed

HecateQueenOfWitches · 24/02/2011 16:52

I personally think you should demand an apology for inappropriate and anti-social behaviour. If she didn't think that what she was doing was wrong in any way, then that just makes her even worse.

Being forced to apologise gives the message that your conduct was unacceptable. The fact that you are too ignorant to see it is neither here nor there.

I am not a fan of only apologising when you mean it. There is more to apologising than that and it is all about rubbing together as a society. Good manners. Thank you. please. sorry. how do you do...

All part of the 'dance'. And all vital.

And letting that go is part of the reason we are seeing a big increase in selfish antisocial behaviour and mememememe culture. we are losing - how to describe it? erm. ~I suppose you could call it 'social cohesion'

Vallhala · 24/02/2011 16:52

I wouldn't have been troubled enough to speak to the girl. Chances are it would have gone in one ear and out the other of a small child, just as your discussion with the friend next to you about the latest changes in education policy or the price of M&S tights would.

If my children had picked up on it they would then be told that this is a word for adults/older people and not for them to repeat. That's my job, imho, not educating other people's children in how to behave though I have no issue with you^ seeing things differently. :)

unfitmother · 24/02/2011 16:52

You were right to challenge her but, as you've agreed, not about the 'apology'.

marmalade32 · 24/02/2011 16:53

Chaos I think you wer being very reasonable on both counts. Teenage girls with attitudes that think it is OK to shout and swear in front of people are just 1 of many things that are wrong at the moment. I disagree with a lot of the posters on here, you were right to make her apologise. Maybe you shouldn't have tried a second time, but I say that for your own safety. To say that she would have been humiliated - ahhh, what a shame. In that location full of families swearing was totally out of order. I bet more than 1 mum was embarassed trying to explain to their children about what she was saying. And TBH, just saying that a lot of people swear in front of children these days, hardly makes it right does it? We're supposed to instill values into our kids, not make excuses.

NinkyNonker · 24/02/2011 16:54

I don't think 'bastards' counts as a public order offence...

Similar to the others...YANBU to ask her to stop, but YABU to ask for the apology. What gives you the right?

AgentZigzag · 24/02/2011 17:00

Whether the OP was right or not is just a matter of opinion ninky, but she did have the right as the girl said it within her earshit.

AgentZigzag · 24/02/2011 17:01

Earshit?? making up random words

Earshot obviously.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 24/02/2011 17:01

I think we all have the right to demand appopriate, acceptable, thoughtful and decent behaviour from those around us.

Original poster

ChaosTrulyReigns · 24/02/2011 17:01

Nice one Zig.

OP posts:

HecateQueenOfWitches · 24/02/2011 17:01

appropriate

or something

FabbyChic · 24/02/2011 17:01

It was really none of your business. There was no need to get involved and should have minded your own!

AgentZigzag · 24/02/2011 17:05

The girl made it her business Fabby when she included everyone else in her conversation.

If she didn't want it to be public, she should have kept her voice down.

Ragwort · 24/02/2011 17:09

I think you are quite right to speak out, wish more people would rather than just tut-tutting and doing nothing. I also asked some teenagers not to swear when we were in a church yard once, I think they grunted in reply - not sure if that was an apology or not!

NinkyNonker · 24/02/2011 17:58

I don't know, if someone demanded an apology from me I'd probably dig my heels in. As a teenager I (wouldn't have done it anyway) would have been mortified and gone home in tears. My parents were horrendously tight on swearing but wouldn't have kicked off about bastards.

manicbmc · 24/02/2011 18:33

My parents were very severe about swearing. My dad overheard me calling my brother a bugger when I was 14 and he thumped me.

I'd expect anyone to have a bit of respect in public really. Having said that my dd swears loads but if she was challenged I'd also expect her to apologise with good grace.

strandedpolarbear · 24/02/2011 19:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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