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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not like 'boy' behaviour?

136 replies

Nagoo · 22/02/2011 11:48

My Ds is nearly 4.

on the whole he is a lovely lovely boy, bright articulate and kind.

Sometimes he behaves like a bloody idiot.

But it's 'boyishness' I tell him off for. Pissing about making an aeroplane out of his knife and fork, and sliding under the table, that kind of thing. He hits himself in the head and laughs, running around for his own amusement (I don't tell him off for that, try to distract him).

I worry that I am not allowing him to be a 'boy'. because I expect him to think about what he's doing and calm down a bit. I feel like I'm trying to discipline the 'boy' behaviour out of him.

AIBU to want him to be more sensible? Is it 'boy' behaviour?

OP posts:

stripthewillow · 22/02/2011 15:22

my 3.5yr old DS does that hitting his head thing - he often has a faint bruise on his forhead for days on end!! After having a DD 1st, I agree the whole boy behaviour is something to get used to. My DH seems to embrace it through, so I think its just us women who find it odd!

oldsilver · 22/02/2011 15:32

It's when inappropriate behaviour gets dismissed by "he's only being a boy" I find annoying, normally by MIL. Inappropriate behaviour is inappropriate behaviour, if it would not be acceptable for a girl, it should not get excused in a boy.

MilaMae · 22/02/2011 15:46

Sorry boys and girls are different,bugs the hell out of me when people try to infer otherwise.

I have twin 7 year old boys and a 6 year old tomboy girl,believe me they are completely and utterly different.

Op it will pass but I know what you mean about not letting them be boys. All children need exercise and fresh air but it can be god awful if boys don't get enough and that is the difference.

As others have said just get him out as often as you can. Boys do need to climb,play right,tumble etc and in an ideal world all children would be able to roam free,climb etc. Sadly we now live in smaller houses,with smaller gardens etc. All you can do is get him out as often as you can.

Habbibu · 22/02/2011 15:55

Why don't you think girls need to climb, play and tumble? dd's a nightmare if she hasn't been exercised too. 3 children isn't exactly a statistical sample.

CilantroLarry · 22/02/2011 16:00

There are differences between the genders. Differing hormones make a difference, more so as they get older though. But not nearly as much of a difference as personality and nurture imo.

I know boys who need to sit and read a book/draw and don't need to run around outside at all. Likewise girls who go stir crazy without a run around a park at regular intervals.

Mila, it's not that simple. And in the op's case, as people are pointing out, it's just normal childhood behaviour.

MilaMae · 22/02/2011 16:00

I have years of early years teaching experience in the nursery sector,rec and ks1 age range,several friends with similar experience and oodles of friends with girls and boys-all saying the same.

MilaMae · 22/02/2011 16:02

There are always exceptions but if you go by the majority and give a class of boys no exercise for an afternoon you'll get a very different result than if you give a class of girls no exercise. It's not pc but reality.

lightfantastic · 22/02/2011 16:03

MilaMae, it may be that your kids seem utterly different because they are different people. It may be that they do happen to seem 'boyish' or 'girlish' in their behaviour but I don't think that children fit these stereotypes, or behaviour one might call 'typical' of either gender.

Perhaps it IS more common that boys are rough and tumble and girls are placid, but it 'bugs the hell out of me' when people make blanket statements. (I'm not getting at you personally, by the way, I just can't stand a lot of the 'boys are this, girls are that' stuff one seems to encounter.) A good friend and I were out for a walk today - her DD is far more physically agile and boisterous than my DS, who is far more verbally advanced than her DD. The absolute opposite what one tends to be told...

CilantroLarry · 22/02/2011 16:04

Nobody is denying that gender has an influence Mila. But your experience doesn't outweigh the experiences of all the other people on here pointing out that what the op describes is not behaviour peculiar to boys and more attributable to age than gender at this point.

skidd · 22/02/2011 16:06

boy behaviour? Oh I can't bear this. Read Cordelia

MilaMae · 22/02/2011 16:07

I have a book worm son,very able at literacy etc-still hell on wheels if he's not exercised enough.

His sister is far more active than him less of a book worm but she needs the physical exercise less,she could easily cope with a day completely inside errr not so my boys.

CilantroLarry · 22/02/2011 16:07

And you might want to ask yourself why you see boys and girls as different. How much is gender specific and how much is your own socialisation. Because there's as much evidence to suggest that the way you treat them, the way you perceive them influences their behaviour. And from birth the way people even talk about their babies and the behaviour they encourage, the toys they buy, the behaviour they let slip is all due to preconceptions about what boys and girls are.

CilantroLarry · 22/02/2011 16:08

Well that's your children Mila. And they were raised by a parent who believes wholeheartedly in these inbuilt roles. There's no way you can say you didn't have a hand in creating the roles they fit now.

MilaMae · 22/02/2011 16:11

Re the behaviour in the op,girls may well behave the same but it's far more frequent and common in boys,I also think girls are better equipped to rein themselves in.

Habbibu · 22/02/2011 16:12

That's the thing - my friend (who is lovely, btw, it's just this that drives me mad) is constantly ascribing everything my 17mo does to his gender, and giving me dark warnings about times ahead - but my (not massively tomboyish) dd does all that stuff too, and ds is actually a lot more like me in temperament, and dd like her dad. But my friend just won't hear it - she has fixed ideas on boy and girl behaviour and will not allow for the possibility that it's much more subtle than that.

Habbibu · 22/02/2011 16:13

But maybe girls are taught to rein themselves in more, because that's what's expected of them?

MilaMae · 22/02/2011 16:14

Ahh but I am very non gender specific as a parent and teacher.There is only a year between my twins and dc,they play with the same toys and all have long hair. My boys had dolls and pushchairs to play with before dd.

As a teacher I insisted all children played in the home corner,writing corner etc.I had to make class lists because without fail the girls would hog said corner and table and boys would be very reluctant to play with either.

belgo · 22/02/2011 16:16

Habbibu - I think you are probably right. I hate it when bad behaviour in boys is described as 'boys will be boys' because the same behaviour in girls gets described as as being naughty and strongly descrouraged by society. Which is why girls are encouraged to have long impractical hair and impractical clothes and shoes, which all limit their behaviour.

There is a little girl in my dd's school who is not allowed to play in the sand pit because her hair is so long.

MilaMae · 22/02/2011 16:17

I treat my 3 exactly the same,my class children the same and I find time and again there is a difference.

Habbibu · 22/02/2011 16:18

I think the influence of friends plays a big part,though, Mila - dd is only ever interested in pink fairy stuff if she's seen her friends have it - she'd not show an interest in a shop until she sees friends have the same kind of thing. There's a limit to how much influence you can have, I think.

MilaMae · 22/02/2011 16:24

I don't know Hab my dd is now 6 and our tastes have now collided thankfully.

I hate pastel pink and always bought dd bright Bodeny clothes in orange,turquoise,brown(anything but pink).I never bought her Barbies(but let her keep the odd one if given by friends)etc.

When she chooses she pretty much chooses stuff I like now,she hates pink and isn't bothered about Barbie etc.

CilantroLarry · 22/02/2011 16:28

"Ahh but I am very non gender specific as a parent and teacher". You can't say that. You just can't. Because study after study after study has found that parents say this but do something else entirely. Down to the way they talk about a newborn baby. I'm afraid the very fact that you believe the differences to be so ingrained and so prevalent means that you probably treat them very differently. I bet you don't mean to and firmly believe you don't but 5yrs at uni looking at the psychology of this (if we're using years of knowledge to back us up), I'm sure you have more of an effect than you think.

MilaMae · 22/02/2011 16:34

I totally disagree Cil.

I have 3 kids practically the same age,they do everything together,share the same toys and have to be treated the same.
They all are expected to sit properly at the table for example,I'd never get away with treating any of them differently,7 and 6 year olds are good at ensuring complete fairness and equality.

skidd · 22/02/2011 16:37

completely agree cilantro - and Cordelia Fine's book backs all you say up very convincingly and with loads of empirical research.

Habbibu · 22/02/2011 16:41

See, I'd love to say I was gender neutral - but even now dd and ds have very different clothes. I could have dressed ds in all dd's old hand me downs, but cultural conditioning (for which read chicken-ness) stopped me, by and large. I don't know how I'll be in the future, except trying hard to at least be aware of what I'm doing.

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