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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL, is she or am i?

127 replies

JingleMum · 21/02/2011 21:09

brief history - we get on well, very different people but we care for eachother. i respect her, she is a good gran to my DD, but she has underminded my authority on a good few occassions but i've always let it go.

1 day per week MIL looks after DD for a few hours as i'm working (don't need her to, could put DD in nursery the same as i do the other 2 days that i am working but MIL insists she wants to take care of DD on this particular day)

i informed her last week that we had a day out planned and it fell on the day that MIL usually has DD (my god daughter's birthday day out so couldn't be re-arranged) i wouldn't be working that day but MIL could come up that evening for a visit once we were back from our day out. she says that's fine.

today she tells me that her sister wants to see DD on this particular day, i remind MIL of the plans i have. MIL says i can get on with my plans but she'll have DD and take her to her sisters Hmm of course i say no as it will be a lovely day out for DD and my god daughter is really looking forward to it. she then tells me it's the only day convenient for her sister and repeats that she will take DD to sisters. i got a bit pissed off and said "NO, she's coming with me" feel a bit shitty now for being so honest??? but this isn't the first time she has put me on the spot like this. she then tells me that her sister put her on the spot wanting to see DD and now she supposes she'll have to phone her and tell her no.

AIBU or is she?

also, whilst on the subject, MIL holidays quite a lot (3 times per year on average for 2 weeks at a time), leaving me stuck for childcare on this particular day that she insists on taking care of DD. i'm stuck as DP works, as does my mum, sister and aunt. it's gotten to the point where i would rather put DD in nursery on this day as it's just all round easier for me, but if i do this she will insist on another day where she has DD and i don't really want to do that as the time off that i have i want to spend with my child. WWYD in that situation? don't want to upset anyone or cause issues.

SORRY FOR THE LONG POST!!! Blush

OP posts:
LilQueenie · 21/02/2011 21:11

yanbu. you need to start telling her not to undermine you. Perhaps by telling her that if she continues to do so you will put your child in nursery instead.

Eglu · 21/02/2011 21:15

MIL is being unreasonable about the day with your Goddaughter. You gave her notice of it. It is not your problem if her Sister wants to see your DD that day.

She seems to be trying to control the situation.

It does seem that it would be easier to put your DD in nursery. She can still see your DD other times, but it doesn't have to be without you or your DH.

FetchezLaVache · 21/02/2011 21:16

YANBU, unless MIL's sister lives 300 miles away! Your plans were chronologically first, so MIL will just have to take her to see her sister some other time.

And as for the other thing, you will certainly upset MIL if you put DD in nursery and don't give her a different day, but if the situation is genuinely causing you difficulties, then you'll have to put her in nursery. And agree you shouldn't "give" MIL another day- presumably the whole point of your not working on that day is so you can spend it with your DD!

parakeet · 21/02/2011 21:17

The holiday problem alone would be enough for me to say no more MIL doing childcare. She cannot "insist" on having DD on another day, can she? She can ask, and you can say "No, sorry, because I'm a working mum, etc." It would be nice if you let her arrange a regular day of the week when she visits you both at your home instead, though, especially as you usually get on well.

With regards to this particular day in question, of course YANBU, but it sounds like you already know that. Just don't feel bad about it.

Original poster
JingleMum · 21/02/2011 21:18

thanks for the replies so far.

thats the thing eglu she seems to really insist on that 1 to 1 time with DD and wouldn't be happy with having DP or i tag along?

FetchezLaVache no, she lives about a 20 minute drive away!

OP posts:
plupedantic · 21/02/2011 21:18

It sounds as though you are going to have to review the situation with DD's care, as these void days are eating into your holiday entitlement (I presume). Your MIL can still have DD occasionally, as there's no harm in missing a day here and there; it's the same as holiday from nursery.

You haven't mentioned how old DD is, but if she is coming up for 3, you could point out that nursery starts to become a lot more substantive at that age, with a "preschool" curriculum.

You mention causing issues, but it sounds as though your MIL's unreliability is already an issue for you, so remember to balance that "new solution" against any "new issue", when deciding.

Original poster
JingleMum · 21/02/2011 21:19

parakeet thanks, i do feel a little bad though, simply because i hate any sort of "cross words" with her. DP agrees with me, but deep down i know he wishes i would do whatever his mother asked.

OP posts:
Vallhala · 21/02/2011 21:21

So your MIL is insisting that her daughter goes to see MIL's sister despite you having other plans for her daughter? And MIL will get tetchy of you put her daughter into childcare on a particular day and will insist that her daughter spends another day with her instead, right?

No. I'm wrong, aren't I? This isn't MIL's daughter we are speaking of.... she's YOUR daughter.

So YOU get to choose where YOUR daughter goes, who YOUR daughter sees and when it happens.

What with the insistance on taking YOUR daughter somewhere on the day that she would ordinarily have her despite you clearly stating that you have other plans and the far you have about MIL being just as insistant about YOUR daughter if you were not to send YOUR daughter to MIL's I'd say that this is a bloody good reason to putting a stop to her trying it.

I'd put DD into nursery instead of sending her to MIL - you can always cite MIL's holidays and the childcare problems you face then as your excuse.

Then I'd make it clear that for the next few weeks I was spending the days ALONE with DD when DD wasn't at nursery, so preventing MIL from making a regular event of another day. I'd tell MIL that by all means she can come over on, say, Tuesday afternoon this week for a cuppa or say, for Sunday lunch and to see DD but I would NOT make anything a regular occurance so she couldn't fall into a pattern of expecting to have DD and wouldn't take any shit nonsense from her.

If I were you I'd be damn well expecting my husband to speak to his mother and support me on this too (though by the time I'd finished reminding MIL whose daughter this child is I don't think I'd need a man's backing! ;o )

Original poster
JingleMum · 21/02/2011 21:21

plupedantic i'm self employed so i guess MIL thinks i should just take the day off when she's away. not that easy though, it's a whole days wage we are talking about. DD is only 16 months.

OP posts:
saffy85 · 21/02/2011 21:22

Ofcourse YANBU. I would have said "DD is coming to this birthday outing with me, end of discussion" after the first attempt MIL made at undermining you. Then I would have dropped the subject. She's being silly and selfish- surely your DD will love a day out with her mummy and this other child?

As for the other issue, does your DD's nursery have emergency slots? My DD's does and as long as you give aleast 24 hours notice and a slot is free that day a child can be added for the same price as a regular session. If not maybe putting your DD in nursery for that day too is a better option and arranging for her too see her control freak granny another day in the week.

Original poster
JingleMum · 21/02/2011 21:24

vallhalla thank you! i needed that kick up the arse. i'm just a bit bothered about falling out with DP over it.

OP posts:
janiesmum · 21/02/2011 21:24

cant MIL sister look after baby when MIL is on hols

Original poster
JingleMum · 21/02/2011 21:25

saffy need to speak to nursery about emergency slot, really not sure but it would come in so handy.

OP posts:
Plumm · 21/02/2011 21:25

YANBU on both issues.

Your plans with your daughter always take priority (and it sounds like MIL has come up with the sister visit just to make sure she gets your DD on her usual day).

Tell her that her constant holidays are inconvenient for you so DD will be going to nursery, but MIL is welcome to pick her up on that day and have her for the afternoon/eraly evening.

Original poster
JingleMum · 21/02/2011 21:27

janiesmum DD barely sees her and MIL's sister wouldn't want that to commit to that.

OP posts:
diddl · 21/02/2011 21:27

I think I´d be tempted to stop using her for childcare.

I know it´s good of her but it sounds as if she thinks it gives her certain rights.

atthecarwash · 21/02/2011 21:28

I think your MIL is being a bit controlling with your day out...don't feel guilty about it.

About your childcare arrangement... I have absolutely no family living nearby. All of my side of the family live abroad and my DHs closest family memeber lives 4 hours away.

You are lucky that your MIL wants to look after your child and can do so.

hhg · 21/02/2011 21:28

Yanbu - your child, your rules.

Original poster
JingleMum · 21/02/2011 21:29

thanks plum i guess her issue is that she spends that particular day with DD visitng her sisters or her brother, otherwise they wouldn't really see DD and DP and i are far too busy to visit them all on a regular basis. they'd never think of coming to visit us Hmm

OP posts:
Eglu · 21/02/2011 21:29

MIL wanting time alone with your DD, is a typical taking over thing. So many people come on here with that issue. It seems like she wants to pretend your DD is hers in the time she has her, which is why she doesn't want you there.

You do need to stand up to her or it will get worse.

thumbwitch · 21/02/2011 21:30

I'm guessing your DP doesn't have any sisters and your MIL has "adopted" your DD as her surrogate DD.
She is taking the piss rather badly - and she seems to think she has "rights" over your DD, over and above yours.

I think I would definitely be putting her into childcare, just because you are losing 6 days wages a year unnecessarily. Unless the cost of childcare markedly outweighs those 6 days wages, that is?

But never mind the cost, I think I'd be wanting to re-establish the boundaries of whose DD she actually is!

Original poster
JingleMum · 21/02/2011 21:31

diddl that's what i was thinking, she is starting to think she has as much right as me.

atthecarwash i understand what you say, i am lucky, i know. but where do i draw the line? what about when DD is 3 and is spending more time at nursery and eventually school, do i still give MIL her own personal day?

hhg thank you.

OP posts:
Eglu · 21/02/2011 21:31

Thumbwitch said what I wanted too, but much more clearly.

Original poster
JingleMum · 21/02/2011 21:33

eglu and thumbwitch exactly right! she only has sons, DD is her first grandchild. as i said on my above post, where do i draw the line? what about when DD is in full time nursery and full time school? will she still want a full day with DD? Confused

OP posts:
Eglu · 21/02/2011 21:35

THat is why you need to put your foot down now. Once she is at school your time with her will be very precious. You need to nip it in the bud.