MIL, is she or am i?

[JingleMum]

brief history - we get on well, very different people but we care for eachother. i respect her, she is a good gran to my DD, but she has underminded my authority on a good few occassions but i've always let it go.

1 day per week MIL looks after DD for a few hours as i'm working (don't need her to, could put DD in nursery the same as i do the other 2 days that i am working but MIL insists she wants to take care of DD on this particular day)

i informed her last week that we had a day out planned and it fell on the day that MIL usually has DD (my god daughter's birthday day out so couldn't be re-arranged) i wouldn't be working that day but MIL could come up that evening for a visit once we were back from our day out. she says that's fine.

today she tells me that her sister wants to see DD on this particular day, i remind MIL of the plans i have. MIL says i can get on with my plans but she'll have DD and take her to her sisters of course i say no as it will be a lovely day out for DD and my god daughter is really looking forward to it. she then tells me it's the only day convenient for her sister and repeats that she will take DD to sisters. i got a bit pissed off and said "NO, she's coming with me" feel a bit shitty now for being so honest??? but this isn't the first time she has put me on the spot like this. she then tells me that her sister put her on the spot wanting to see DD and now she supposes she'll have to phone her and tell her no.

AIBU or is she?

also, whilst on the subject, MIL holidays quite a lot (3 times per year on average for 2 weeks at a time), leaving me stuck for childcare on this particular day that she insists on taking care of DD. i'm stuck as DP works, as does my mum, sister and aunt. it's gotten to the point where i would rather put DD in nursery on this day as it's just all round easier for me, but if i do this she will insist on another day where she has DD and i don't really want to do that as the time off that i have i want to spend with my child. WWYD in that situation? don't want to upset anyone or cause issues.

SORRY FOR THE LONG POST!!!

That's awkward. You need your DP on side for this one .

Yes, agree you need to pick her up any time she undermines you. At some point you presumably need to make it explicit with DP that you're not happy with the current arrangements and are thinking about changing them.

Eek! Don't envy you this one. Best of luck with it.

IsItMeOr actually had a discussion with DP this evening about it, it was very heated. we agreed not to plan too far in advance and just see how things go for the next few months. i don't want to stop them having that quality time together, but i do want it to be on my terms and i do want DP to support me. he just automatically sides with his mother. after explaining things to him from my P.O.V he understood, but he seems to think that everytime she undermines me i should stand up for myself but then let it go and not to let it have any impact on MIL's "personal" day with DD. he's got my head wrecked.

My DH fell out with his mother about 4 yrs ago, thank god. She had tried underminding my decisions wrt bf, sleeping arrangements, childcare arrangements and so on for DD1 but DH refused to listen. Sorry, that doesn't help you much but I think that if you trust your MIL with your DD's safety now, then look into the emergency arrangements with the nursery. Once your DD starts pre school, there simply won't be a day available for your DD to spend with your MIL. Good luck with your compromise.

I can see why MIL was upset that she thought she was having time with your daughter & then wasn´t.

However, you had a previous appointment, & for MIL to think that her & her sister seeing your daughter is more important than your previously arranged birthday party/outing it quite frankly odd imo.

"When my DH gets home from work, I am going to talk to him about his mum spending every Sunday here"-good for you.

When mine were young my parents came over every week on a weekday, spent the day, stayed until husband got in, maybe an hour with him & left.

Offered the same to ILs-oh no, they only wanted to come at w/end to hace whole day with their son.

OK, to a point I get that, but FFS he was married with a family & he didn´t want that!

So, every third Sat or Sun they came.

Never did come in the week!

Of course for me I don´t care, but was offended for their only GCs!

Well done on raising it with DP.

I can sort of see your DP's point, however, you are a working mum, not a saint .

It might be too late for you, but DH bought his mum the Good Granny Guide as a "jokey" present when we were expecting DS, and I do think she actually read it.

I would expect your DP to automatically side with you, not his mum. But that depends on the relationship you have, I guess.

Hi JingleMum, like you I had a discussion with my DH this morning about his mum coming over every Sunday. I said I would be happy for her to come over any day in the week that she wants, but seeing as she comes home on a friday for the weekend she could come here straight from work. I know she will be tired from driving so I will cook her a meal. I told my Dh that I miss him, that we are not getting any time together and I need to have our weekends back. i said that although my parents pop in and out (they live in the same town), they are not here for hours every weekend. I think it's unfair that my MIl gets to do what she wants all week, then dominate how we spend our weekends.

He took it very well and agreed with me, so has agreed to speak to her and ask her to visit on fridays(or whatever other weekday she wants). I know she will lay on the guilts and I'm getting mentally prepared for her to try and railroad my DH into giving in, but I am going to see this through. The current arrangement is making me miserable.

Sorry things got heated with your DP. It is hard for him because he loves his mum, but he can't prioritise her over you, when she is the one causing the problems, not you. I think that if my Dh didn't stand with me and defend me when I was right, then I would be taking him out of the equation when it came to decision making and dealing with his mum. I think I would make the changes I wanted to make and then present it as a done deal. If you don't assert yourself this will never get better. A man in a grown up relationship has to be loyal to his wife/partner first and foremost or the relationship will struggle. That doesn't mean letting his wife be nasty to his family, but it does mean putting what is good for her above what his mother wants, and not allowing his mother to undermine his wife or walk all over her.

karmabeliever you sound like you really have your head screwed on with this and will get your weekends back. i'd be so miserable if i was in your position, it must be awful to have your weekends dictated, when that sould be family time for you and DH.

MIL has been over today, nothing was mentioned and she was really lovely to me. i'm hoping she's got the message? DP and i are now on the same page thankfully and he understands if MIL undermines me again i will be telling her straight.

JingleMum If you are still reading this thread, my Dh spoke to his mum today about how we are not seeing very much of each other and would like not to have people round at the weekend and would she like to come on fridays instead. Apparently she was as nice as pie about it and said to my DH how putting our marriage first is the most important thing.

My DH now feels guilty. Kudos to my MIl, she is very good at this . I am torn between thinking that maybe I have misjudged her or thinking that she has played a blinder.

Either way though, I now have the result I wanted and am very happy

Haven't read all the posts. Last one suggests your problem is now resolved, which is good. For what it's worth, I think if you told her you'd made an arrangement for a particular day, then it was unreasonable of her to try to persuade you to change it. However, your original post suggested you slightly resent having to make other arrangements when your MIL is on hol, and I think that's a little unfair. If your daughter could go to nursery just on those days when you need cover, that's probably the simplest solution. Otherwise I think you have to choose between (a) free childcare most of the year and sometimes having to use annual leave to cover the gaps or (b) paying for childcare all year round (or term times, depending on the age of the child

edinburghlass you're right, i hadn't thought of just using the nursery for those days, i didn't actually even realise you could. i thought it had to be an every week kind of thing. now that i know it isn't then that is probably the best option.

karmabeliever hats off to your MIL, she is good at this! seriously though, great result and i'm glad it was as easy as that.

MIL wants to take DD out for the day on sat, i've agreed but it makes me a little teensy bit uneasy for the simple fact that she's taking her so far away to see family (an hours drive) i probably sound unreasonable saying that but i'd rather DP or i were going with them.

Sorry, didn't mean to get your hopes up. I think it'll vary from one nursery to the next

JingleMum call me cynical, but is it possible that your MIL is doing a tit for tat thing here. You have taken 'her' day, so she is taking one of yours? I don't know - sometimes I see everything in its worst possible light. I would say, be careful. My instinctive feeling for this is that once your DD starts school, your MIL will start wanting her for one day over the weekend.

If you are not happy to let your MIL travel so far with your DD on Saturday without you, please remember that nothing is set in stone. You can phone her and say that you've had a rethink or that you don't feel comfortable with this and you can change your mind. Or you can go with them. Please don't lose sight of the fact that it really is up to you, not your MIL.Even if your DP doesn't understand your fears, he must recognise that you are the mum and if it doesn't sit easy with you then you have a right to say no and still have his support.

karmabeliever DP actually agreed with me (shock horror!) and is a bit worried about her going so far away with MIL and is hoping to go with them. as for when DD starts school, there's simply no way she's getting her one day at weekend. she'll have to do what majority of grandparents do and come and visit. the odd day out in school holidays etc.. will be nice for both of them but certainly no more than that. the tit for tat thing... you read my mind.

Glad that you and your DP are seeing things the same way - it makes everything so much easier. Hope you feel happier about the trip on Saturday, knowing that your DP will be with your DD.

What I don't get is the fact she has to have her time 'alone' with your DD all the time. My family come as a package, and surely your MIL should want to see her own son just as much. It seems your DD is some sort of dolly she wants to show off! I would not be happy at MIL (or anyone else for that matter including my own DM) taking away precious family time at the weekend - my DS loves spending time with all three of us, and the weekends go far too fast.

YANBU about your daughter spending the day with you - it was planned first.

TBH I think it is more complicated about the day your MIL looks after your daughter. Yes it causes you problems when she goes on holiday, but I would be worried about damaging your relationship with your MIL.

I think GC relationship with GP is an important one and can really benefit a child. I can also understand why your MIL wants to spend time alone with your daughter. It is different spending time alone with a young child rather than having their mum there all the time.

I would just be honest with your MIL i.e. its great that she looks after GC and you know she enjoys her holidays, but it is causing you problems with childcare when she isn't around and in some ways it wouldbe easier for your daughter to go to nursery - and then ask her opinion about what you should do.

As long as you are reasonable and don't imply she shouldn't go on holiday, then hopefully you can talk this through and come to an agreement. Even if you do decide to put your daughter in nursery and your MIL isn't happy about this, the fact that you have been honest will hopefully help to keep a good relationship with your MIL.

Family time is important, but I believe family is about more than just the parents and children. Lots of MN just seem to think that the only people who need to be taken intoi account are the parents.

If you can afford it, I'd pay for the extra day at nursery, and then let MIL take your dd out of nursery one day a fortnight, or one afternoon a week or something. You'd end up paying for nursery time you don't use, but you'd have the space for when MIL is away.

"MIL wants to take DD out for the day on sat, i've agreed but it makes me a little teensy bit uneasy for the simple fact that she's taking her so far away to see family (an hours drive)"

Either don´t let her or make sure that one or both of you also go.

I don´t see why you should give up your family time tbh.

Totally agree that GPs bring alot to GCs lives, however I don't believe that children suffer for not having lots of 'alone' time with their GPs, whereas many GPs seem to think there is some sort of entitlement to time alone with GCs. It's fine on an ad hoc basis - but to feel that they are entitled to regular time alone with them is wrong IMO.

I had the most wonderful GPs and a wonderful relationship with them, but I was hardly ever one-on-one with them - maybe for the odd walk, or odd night of babysitting.

I think it's selfish and a bit weird to want to separate kids from their parents all the time - and why don't these GPs want to spend time with their own children and the whole family? That's one thing I can't wait for when I am a GM - spending time with my whole extended family - not taking someone elses child off on my own all the time.

GPs aren't entitled to spend time alone with GC and I am not saying GC suffer if they don't have it. And its great to spend time with the whole family.

But I have always enjoyed spending time alone with various children in my extended family. I think it is different spending time alone. I have fun with them being silly, using silly voices, etc that I wouldn't feel confident enough to do with other adults around, no matter how close I am to them.

Also human dynamics are such that having other people there does affect both how the child and GP behaves. You must know yourself that if you are with your own child alone it is a different dynamic to being with your child and your MIL.

So I totally understand why GPs want some time alone with GC. And no I don't think it is selfish as long as the GC really enjoy it. TBH I don't understand why some mums seem to have a real problem with this. I am not talking about difficult MIL or practical problems that can be caused by GP's who want time alone with GC - just about mums who don't seem to want their GPs to be alone with GC on principle.

i see what you mean lesley i too agree that some time alone between GP and grandchildren is a good thing and i really don't mind MIL having this occassionally. at the moment she has that one day per week with DD, but when the time comes for DD's hours to be increased in nursery it won't be a regular thing, it will be every now and again. MIL definitely wants time alone with DD, she never wants DP or i to visit the family with them unfortunately.

i have a night out planned with girlfriends next week, it's a special occassion and has been planned for a while. DP also has a night out planned for the same night. DD will stay at my mum's for the night, my sister lives with my mum and will be there to help out too. DD cannot stay overnight at MILs due to MIL's dangerous dog (MIL agrees about this) anyway, i told MIL in conversation as she'd asked about my weekend plans. you should have seen her face! i just hope this isn't another issue about to start. my mum works, i visit my mum twice per week with my DD, but my mum barely ever gets alone time with DD so MIL better not even try to cause any issue here.

I agree - there are always going to be difficult and unreasonable DILs as well as MILs. I think whatever the set up is, it has to work for everyone - most of all the children themselves. The arrangement should not be purely for MILs self-fulfillment.

It's just the sense of entitlement in this instance has got me riled - that the MIL is taking GD off on the Saturday without the parents feeling as though they can come too - just because she doesn't get the day in the week with her.

I think the arrangement should be changed to be looser and more flexible - and that the GC gets to spend time with her GM for the right reasons - not as part of a power struggle.

It's just the sense of entitlement in this instance has got me riled - that the MIL is taking GD off on the Saturday without the parents feeling as though they can come too - just because she doesn't get the day in the week with her.

Totally agree. She sees the GD every week anyway for their one day together so it seems to me she is doing it just to make a point.

why is she so nasty about your mum having time with your dd and why does she not want you around when she sees YOUR daughter?! she sounds like a nightmare - you are a saint to put up with that and her weird 'i am entitled' behaviour!

glad she's not my mil, i would never put up with that - jealous, weird woman! her, not you!