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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL, is she or am i?

127 replies

JingleMum · 21/02/2011 21:09

brief history - we get on well, very different people but we care for eachother. i respect her, she is a good gran to my DD, but she has underminded my authority on a good few occassions but i've always let it go.

1 day per week MIL looks after DD for a few hours as i'm working (don't need her to, could put DD in nursery the same as i do the other 2 days that i am working but MIL insists she wants to take care of DD on this particular day)

i informed her last week that we had a day out planned and it fell on the day that MIL usually has DD (my god daughter's birthday day out so couldn't be re-arranged) i wouldn't be working that day but MIL could come up that evening for a visit once we were back from our day out. she says that's fine.

today she tells me that her sister wants to see DD on this particular day, i remind MIL of the plans i have. MIL says i can get on with my plans but she'll have DD and take her to her sisters of course i say no as it will be a lovely day out for DD and my god daughter is really looking forward to it. she then tells me it's the only day convenient for her sister and repeats that she will take DD to sisters. i got a bit pissed off and said "NO, she's coming with me" feel a bit shitty now for being so honest??? but this isn't the first time she has put me on the spot like this. she then tells me that her sister put her on the spot wanting to see DD and now she supposes she'll have to phone her and tell her no.

AIBU or is she?

also, whilst on the subject, MIL holidays quite a lot (3 times per year on average for 2 weeks at a time), leaving me stuck for childcare on this particular day that she insists on taking care of DD. i'm stuck as DP works, as does my mum, sister and aunt. it's gotten to the point where i would rather put DD in nursery on this day as it's just all round easier for me, but if i do this she will insist on another day where she has DD and i don't really want to do that as the time off that i have i want to spend with my child. WWYD in that situation? don't want to upset anyone or cause issues.

SORRY FOR THE LONG POST!!!

OP posts:

plupedantic · 21/02/2011 21:44

How long were you on maternity leave? If you took a year (not a given, I admit, as you are self-employed), and DD is only 16 months, your arrangements are still very new, and children change so much at this age anyway, what with merging/dropping naps and so on.

DD can spend time with MIL by taking the occasional "holiday" from nursery (I guess if she spends "her" day visiting, she does not see herself as stand-in care when DD is sick and can't go to nursery?), but this instability is evidently already causing you problems, so it is reasonable to try to address those. Moreover, it sounds a good way to push back some boundaries, using an issue which is reasonable, rather than having to snap over the next version of this her sister/your goddaughter clash (a confrontation she has clearly engineered and you are clearly uncomfortable with).

I hope your MIL enjoys her evening with DD on the day you have out.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 21/02/2011 21:51

I know what you mean. DD is looked after by my MIL one day a week. It is fantastic and enables me to do more hours at work as otherwise it isn't really cost effective. MIL does go away and it does leave us in the lurch but she's a school teacher so about all holidays (when our CM is on hols) so for us it works both ways.

We're considering using a nursery when I go full-time and I would be tempted to pay for the day but see if you can only use it alternate weeks. If that would work you could then keep your MIL happy(ish) by offering her fortnightly time with DD but still have the nursery day for when she's away.

Original poster

JingleMum · 21/02/2011 21:53

plupedantic i actually went back 1 afternoon per week to start with and MIL then offered to have her on this day for those few hours. DD was about 6 months old. i wanted to let her as before this anyway she would just turn up and say she was taking DD for a walk in the pram (she done this from when DD was about 2 months old)

i put myself in her shoes how i would feel if it was my son and his child, i just don't want her feeling left out. but the thing is i would never undermine my DIL and think i had the right to dictate things. i don't even have a son yet, but this is the way i think!

OP posts:

Original poster

JingleMum · 21/02/2011 21:54

purplecrazyhorse that is an excellent idea, i will be looking in to that.

OP posts:

dixiechick1975 · 21/02/2011 21:56

I had a similar arrangement with MIL - DD 2 days nursery, 1 day with her.

If she was away/let me down nursery would always take DD. Even if they were full they would ring in the morning if a child was off. They will not refuse your money if they can help it.

My MIL had DD on a Wed which was the busiest day at nursery (a lot of children are part time -MTW or WTF) With hindsight MIL's day should have been a different one.

Original poster

JingleMum · 21/02/2011 22:01

dixiechick same here, wednesdays.

OP posts:

PurpleCrazyHorse · 21/02/2011 22:02

No worries. I hope you get something that works for all of you.

Booandpops · 21/02/2011 22:11

Hi. How about you put dd in nursery on the 3rd day for shorter hrs and let mil pick her up and do her tea on that night. She will have too get used to this once dd starts school and it will soon come around anyway.
Then when she is on her hols you may be better able to cope loosing just a few hours.

Original poster

JingleMum · 21/02/2011 22:15

booandpops again, this is a good idea, never thought of it.

my only problem with it is that MIL will have a problem with it. i finish work about 3pm so will want to come home to my DD at 3.30pm, whereas MIL will want to keep her until bedtime, particularly if she's only had her since 12.30pm

i sound like such a pushover, rest assured i am not. i'm extremely fiesty, except when it come to DP's family. i try too hard to keep the peace and it's me that's suffering.

OP posts:

femalevictormeldrew · 21/02/2011 22:18

YANBU in any way

solooovely · 21/02/2011 22:22

It sounds a bit like she thinks she owns your dc. Like she has the right to dictate what they will be doing, not you.

Original poster

JingleMum · 21/02/2011 22:30

thanks female and soloooovely

she did back down after i gave her a sharp "NO" but she did argue her point first. when i say argue there were no cross words just a slightly heated discussion.

OP posts:

saffy85 · 21/02/2011 22:32

Thing is by being so acommodating, your MIL now assumes she'll always get her way which is incredibly stupid of her really as she already has a set up that many other grandmas would give their right arm for.

Really think you need to have a no nonsense discussion with her, not out of spite or even to put her in her place but to assert yourself as top dog- you're DD's parent, not MIL and you plan her days. Your MIL wants to pick DD up from nursery, fine. but DD comes back in time for tea not bedtime.

It's not unreasonable at all to set boundaries, but it shouldnt be such a challenge to do so with another adult, as you MIL makes it for you.

Original poster

JingleMum · 21/02/2011 22:37

thanks saffy i need to hear it from someone elses p.o.v otherwise i end up feeling like the bad guy. also, i know DP will get pissed off with me, even though i don't think i'm in the wrong.

i'm friends with my mum, i visit her about once or twice a week with DD and she occassionally has DD over night, so i worry MIL will feel left out? MIL can't have DD overnight, but that's another thread. that's not me being funny, MIL agrees it's not practical.

OP posts:

MissyKLo · 21/02/2011 22:43

God - MIL's like this really piss me off
You are a saint!

Mil's should NEvER undermine the dil! This is YoUR daughter and so do what is best for you! Keep up the saying what you want to happen

She is not entitled to time 'alone' with your daughter nor should she expect it. She sounds like a disrespectful nightmare

saffy85 · 21/02/2011 22:49

My MIL used to expect me to drop all pre arranged stuff when her and FIL came down at a moments notice Funnily enough it didn't tend to happen as why the hell should it?

But now MIL has changed tack and doesn't automatically assume she's going to her time alone with DD she ironically gets more chances when she does come down. It helps ofcourse that DD is now 3 and very vocal about what she wants. Sometimes she does want to go for a walk with grandma and grandad but other times she wants mummy and daddy too.

thumbwitch · 21/02/2011 22:49

Your DP needs to sort himself out too - this "anything mum asks for a quiet life" attitude is so pathetic it annoys me, because it is then always the DIL who ends up looking like the "bad guy" when in reality she is just setting proper boundaries.

My DH is pretty bad too - I don't like confrontation because nerves make me more belligerent than I'd like to be - but I've had to learn how to do it with MIL because DH won't (and yes, I think his attitude is pretty pathetic too).

Original poster

JingleMum · 21/02/2011 22:54

missyklo thank you, i'm a bit soft with her i guess? but i honestly just thought she was entitled to some quality time with DD, but then i think that she can still have quality time with DD with DP or i around too. i guess the childcare issues complicate things greatly.

thumbwitch his attitude really pisses me off, it actually really hurts me. i am quite fiesty and i'm not usually a walk over, but he can't see that i'm bending over backwards to accommodate MIL's wants, he just sees me as this fiesty, unreasonable DIL to his parents if i dare to challenge their behaviour. i spoke to him tonight very calmy and just explained what had happend. he agreed with me but blamed his aunt - it's never his mum's fault

OP posts:

foreverondiet · 21/02/2011 23:02

re: the day with goddaugther, just tell her sorry no she'll have to rearrange, its your goddaugther's birthday.

I think you have to say to MIL that because she's on holiday so much you need to put your DD into nursery but she can pick her up at 3pm and have her for tea.

In terms of when she is at school, she can pick her up one day until you get home from school?

PrincessScrumpy · 21/02/2011 23:22

Doesn't matter why you want a day with your dd - she's your dd so if you say she can't have her that day, then that's how it is. No questioning and no arguments.

Might be diplomatic to say something like "I'm sorry to interrupt your plans but when I'm not working, I would like dd to be with me - and the plans I had involved her. I really appreciate you caring for her and she loves spending time with you (sucking up) but I need to be able to make the decision to have her home with me occasionally without worrying about upsetting you."

If she kicks off - say, well if it's too emotional perhaps I can send her to nursery as they don't give me so much argument."

piecenjam · 21/02/2011 23:23

Mine behaves in a similar way (and so does my dp)!

I put my foot down about nursery (she wanted to look after my wee one one day a week) although I have said to MIL she can pick my dd up after lunch from nursery for a few hours once a week if she wants. She usually does, but she can opt out or choose an alternative day if she has plans (which is often!). This works for us and nursery are fine about it.

She's throwing her weight around and being a bully. You decide who looks after your daughter, not her.

Original poster

JingleMum · 21/02/2011 23:30

thanks so much, you've all been really helpful and made me feel a bit better.

OP posts:

DuelingFanjo · 21/02/2011 23:41

"MIL holidays quite a lot (3 times per year on average for 2 weeks at a time), leaving me stuck for childcare on this particular day"

ok, I think your MIL is out of order insisting on having your daughter for a different day but... RE the holiday situation - from what you say it's only 6 or so days a year that you have to find alternative childcare? Surely you would have known that there may be times MIL wouldn't be able to have your daughter?

my Mum has offered to have my son for one day a week when I go back to work, so I have factored into that the likelyhood of her being away and have decided either DH or I will take a day off work if that happens.

So - I think it's fair enough for you to want to make it clear to your MIL that she can't dictate which days she has your daughter or insist on having her to take to her sister but I think changing the childcare arrangement for the sake of six days a year seems a little bit of an over-reaction on your part unless it is really difficult for you and DH to take time off.

nailak · 21/02/2011 23:47

why dont you just put her in nursery and give one evening when you not working for her to stay night at mil's so you can go out, with dp, or friends or whatever? it is great you have this support available and this option! although yanbu about the brithday outing

Original poster

JingleMum · 21/02/2011 23:57

duelingfanjo you're probably right about it being a bit of an over reaction. i think i'm just thinking ahead, when DD is doing mnore hours at nursery and school. she won't be able to just take the day off to spend with MIL, so will MIL insist she still has DD one day a week?

nailak it's not practical for any of us to if DD spends the night at MIL's. it's unfortunately not an option.

OP posts:

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