Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

MIL, is she or am i?

127 replies

JingleMum · 21/02/2011 21:09

brief history - we get on well, very different people but we care for eachother. i respect her, she is a good gran to my DD, but she has underminded my authority on a good few occassions but i've always let it go.

1 day per week MIL looks after DD for a few hours as i'm working (don't need her to, could put DD in nursery the same as i do the other 2 days that i am working but MIL insists she wants to take care of DD on this particular day)

i informed her last week that we had a day out planned and it fell on the day that MIL usually has DD (my god daughter's birthday day out so couldn't be re-arranged) i wouldn't be working that day but MIL could come up that evening for a visit once we were back from our day out. she says that's fine.

today she tells me that her sister wants to see DD on this particular day, i remind MIL of the plans i have. MIL says i can get on with my plans but she'll have DD and take her to her sisters of course i say no as it will be a lovely day out for DD and my god daughter is really looking forward to it. she then tells me it's the only day convenient for her sister and repeats that she will take DD to sisters. i got a bit pissed off and said "NO, she's coming with me" feel a bit shitty now for being so honest??? but this isn't the first time she has put me on the spot like this. she then tells me that her sister put her on the spot wanting to see DD and now she supposes she'll have to phone her and tell her no.

AIBU or is she?

also, whilst on the subject, MIL holidays quite a lot (3 times per year on average for 2 weeks at a time), leaving me stuck for childcare on this particular day that she insists on taking care of DD. i'm stuck as DP works, as does my mum, sister and aunt. it's gotten to the point where i would rather put DD in nursery on this day as it's just all round easier for me, but if i do this she will insist on another day where she has DD and i don't really want to do that as the time off that i have i want to spend with my child. WWYD in that situation? don't want to upset anyone or cause issues.

SORRY FOR THE LONG POST!!!

OP posts:

diddl · 22/02/2011 06:57

I can also see Dueling´s point-perhaps there aren´t that many days per year that you need to take off due to MIL being away.

But depending how much notice she gives you/how easy it is for you to take those days off, it might be easier to increase childcare hours.

TBH, if you do a "half day" at nursery & MIL picks her up at 12.30, I would think it would be more than reasonable for you to pick her up at 4/5.

In fact, if you decided to put your daughter into nursery, you pick her up & both pop round after nursery for a couple of hours I think that that is also OK.

Some GPs don´t ever have their GC alone or overnight.
They don´t have a right to!

Sparkletastic · 22/02/2011 07:33

I had same issue with my MIL - I put DD1 into nursery instead of having the hassles. Could she babysit one afternoon / evening per week instead so you and DH can have a night out together?

ENormaSnob · 22/02/2011 08:51

Yanbu

your mil is.

ivykaty44 · 22/02/2011 08:55

you explian to your MIL - you will need to telephone your sister and explian that plans have already been made for that day with grandadughters friends/godmother.

Explain that she will need to start seeing dc in the eve as you need to put dc into nursery as it is getting difficult for childcare when she is away.

IsItMeOr · 22/02/2011 09:19

JingleMum,

I can understand why this got on your nerves, as it does sound like your MIL was over-stepping the boundaries on this occasion. YANBU to insist on going ahead with your plan for the day.

However, I think YABU in the penultimate paragraph of your OP ("also, whilst on the subject..."). I find it very hard to believe that 6 days extra pay for you a year would anything like cover the cost of an extra day a week at nursery for a year. So it sounds like you are wanting to have a go at your MIL by restricting her access to your DD, rather than genuinely struggling with loss of earnings.

I suspect your MIL is very well aware that the time is going to come soon enough when she won't be able to spend a day with her DGD every week. It is great that she wants to do this. You do need to have a sensible conversation with her about this at some point, but that doesn't mean you jump ahead to the ultimate conclusion now.

I hope you can find a grown-up resolution which works well for everybody, rather than retreating to a "my daughter, my rules" position.

Original poster

JingleMum · 22/02/2011 12:56

IsItMeOr you're right, i think some of it boils down to the fact that since she has started caring for my DD one day per week, she seems to think she has certain rights, which she doesn't. i guess i'm trying to nip it in the bud before it gets any worse, but i'll leave things as they are for now with regards to childcare.

OP posts:

fedupofnamechanging · 22/02/2011 13:16

JingleMum if you don't put a stop to this now, when your DD starts school, your MIL will be expecting to have her one day over the weekend. The trouble with letting certain habits become established,is that,as you are finding, the MIL starts to believe she has rights which are more important than yours!

I am having a similar issue with my MIl at the moment. She works away during the week but wants to spend every sunday afternoon here. My DH also works away a lot at the moment and our only time to be together is at the weekend and I don't want to spend every sunday with his mum. We, too will be having words about this, because something has to change.

Original poster

JingleMum · 22/02/2011 13:20

karmabeliever it's frustrating isn't it? i've definitely let this habit become established. it was working well but over the last couple of months MIL has started undermining me. i'm hoping that now i've put my foot down about our day out she will back off a little?

OP posts:

Nelly123 · 22/02/2011 13:29

Why does this have to be during the working week. If she would like one to one time, how about overnight on Friday night or during the day at the weekend? That way you will get some time to look after yourself, catch up with work,chores or even cinema, shopping, shopping (gasp). Your DD can attend nursery, which will suit you better anyway. Good luck

IsItMeOr · 22/02/2011 14:02

It's not a habit though - the way you describe it, it's an agreed childcare plan, which sounds as if it has generally been working for both of you.

Has anything changed in the last couple of months when you feel MIL is undermining you? What does she do to undermine you?

solooovely · 22/02/2011 15:28

My MIL thinks she has the right to agree to look after my dcs and then change her mind at the last minute leaving me in the shit (we only ask about once a year so it's not like we're taking the piss). Have stopped asking now!

Original poster

JingleMum · 22/02/2011 16:56

IsItmeOr some examples off the top of my head are her turning up at my home one day whilst DD was ill and whilst i was seeing to my DD, MIL had re-arranged all my kitchen cupboards. when i asked her why she told me that i "need to learn to utilise my space" i let it go. also she has expected me to change my plans to suit her on about 2 other occassions that i can recall just off the top of my head, i didn't change them but i compromised, and the final one involves me asking MIL not to take DD somewhere, MIL agreed, then i found out she had behind my back - might not sound much, but she put my DD in real danger by doing so, she admitted it herself afterwards. so yes, i do feel she undermines me and i'm getting rather fed up of it. she has no right to do so, especially when my own mother wouldn't dream of it.

OP posts:

RunAwayWife · 22/02/2011 17:04

YANBU to take your DD with you on the day out at all, your MIL sounds a bit mad TBH

fedupofnamechanging · 22/02/2011 17:11

Having read your last post, I think perhaps you do need to end this childcare arrangement. It's really important to be able to trust whoever is looking after your child, to not do the things you have specifically asked them not to do. Re arranging cupboards is one thing and can be undone, but you can't undo her taking your child somewhere she'd been asked not to go and putting her in danger.

I know your DP is in a difficult position, because it's his mum, but he has to support you on this, because you have a right not to be undermined and ignored regarding the care of your own child. Your MIL will probably not take this well, but she has brought it on herself.

Original poster

JingleMum · 22/02/2011 17:11

RunAwayWife see, i've always thought that i got quite lucky MIL wise, i thought she wasn't too bad compared to some of the stories i've heard here, but i'm starting to think that i've just been a bit soft with her and we'd all benefit if i stayed strong and if she tries this again to tell her that she must stop undermining me, my daughter, my rules. she's always had a good deal with my DD, she's a part of her life and sees her regularly but by doing the things she is doing she is starting to make me want to put a bit of a wall up until she gets the message.

OP posts:

fedupofnamechanging · 22/02/2011 17:15

Better to do it now, while your DD is little, than when she is older and more aware of your MIL undermining you. As she gets older, you don't know what your MIl will be saying and doing when you are not there. There is a fundamental lack of respect for you here and until that changes, she will continue to do as she pleases and not care what you think about it.

Original poster

JingleMum · 22/02/2011 17:15

karmabeliever this happened a couple of months ago and i was devastated, DP backed me fully (after jumping to his mum's defense first because he didn't know the full story ) i told her that she had disrespected me as a parent and that I knew best for my DD and she HAD to respect my rules. to be fair she was genuinely sorry and swore on DD's life she wouldn't ever do it again. i know now where she takes DD when she has her and i ring the house a few times during the period to be sure.

OP posts:

starfishmummy · 22/02/2011 17:15

YANBU she is playing power games.

Violethill · 22/02/2011 17:32

"i think some of it boils down to the fact that since she has started caring for my DD one day per week, she seems to think she has certain rights"

Sounds like this is the real problem.

Book your child into nursery for the days you work, and then any time she spends with your MIL is social time, which takes the heat out of the whole thing (ie its not childcare coming with strings attached)

It doesn't mean your dd won't have a relationship with her granny, it just puts it on your terms, and without the power games.

Original poster

JingleMum · 22/02/2011 17:43

violethill the only thing is, i think MIL will insist on a certain day per week for social time with DD. i don't want to commit to that as i have a fairly active life with DD. we spend alot of time with my friends and their children, so it won't always be convenient for MIL to have that certain day.

OP posts:

Violethill · 22/02/2011 17:58

I think you just need to tell her outright that Social times will have to be mutually convenient, and this may mean different times in different weeks.
She doesn't need to see your dd for a whole
day anyway. Would popping round for an afternoon work out better? Sounds as if shes fixating on this issue of feeling she has the right to 'a dau' which is the problem

Violethill · 22/02/2011 17:59

Whoops - DAY

fedupofnamechanging · 22/02/2011 18:25

JingleMum She can say what she likes, but she honestly can't insist. Somewhere along the line you keep forgetting that she doesn't have any rights to anything, but what you give her.

I'm not saying that you won't have a very uncomfortable 'discussion' with her about this, but when and if she spends time alone with your MIL is your decision.

When my DH gets home from work, I am going to talk to him about his mum spending every Sunday here and tell him that I don't want this. I will have the guilts laid on because my parents come and go, but the difference is that my parents are not really here at the weekends and certainly not for hours on a sunday. I am coming to the conclusion that it is not my fault if my MIl works away for most of the week. It shouldn't mean that she gets to dominate our time at the weekend. If it means that she ends up seeing the kids less than my mum,then that is just one of those things.

Violethill is right about social times having to be mutually convenient.

Tell you what, you tackle your MIL and I'll tackle mine and let the chips fall as they may

IsItMeOr · 22/02/2011 18:30

Okay, now she is sounding very weird...I'm not sure that I would be able to cope with that childcare arrangement myself. It does sound as if you regret the decision not to end it two months ago tbh. Why didn't you?

Original poster

JingleMum · 22/02/2011 18:53

karmabeliever it's a deal ; ) you are right in that i do keep forgetting that she doesn't have any rights.

IsItMeOr it was guilt on my part, i felt bad for her as i know she really values that time with DD. plus, i knew it would caused issues down the line with DP and i.

i think with regards to childcare i'll see how things go for the next month or two, if she keeps undermining me then it's time to tell her straight and make other arrangements. but the real issue in all this is the fact that she really annoyed me yesterday as she seemed to think she had the right to tell me what was happening with regards to our day out.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6