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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect a laugh out loud joke to get through half term

126 replies

coorong · 21/02/2011 20:20

need some along these lines - to get through me half term - dearly beloved stuck at work again but did send this to appease me

An Englishman, Scotsman, Irishman, Welshman, Dutchman, Chineseman, Korean, Estonian, Bulgarian, Latvian, Italian, Frenchman, Mexican, Argentinian, Chilian, Israeli, Canadian, American, Egyptian, Swede and a Norwegian walk into a pub.
The landlord says "I can't let you in without a Thai"

any other offers?

OP posts:
maresedotes · 21/02/2011 20:23

A horse walks into a bar and the barman says "why the long face?"

Two nuns in the bath. One turns to the other and says "where's the soap?" and the other one says "yes, it does doesn't it?"

HTH!

pjmama · 21/02/2011 20:27

Baby polar bear says to Mummy polar bear...
"Mummy, am I a REAL polar bear?"

Mummy replies...
"Of course you are darling, why do you ask?"

Baby replies...
"Because I'm bloody freezing!"

BartySlartfast · 21/02/2011 20:29

What animal needs oiling?

A mouse because it squeeks

That is my 3 yr olds fav joke

TeamLemon · 21/02/2011 20:29

I hired an Eastern European cleaner.
Took her five hours to clean my house!

Turns out she's a Slovak.

Grin
Gleekfreak · 21/02/2011 20:38

Man seeing a psychiatrist, looking at ink blots. What's this-a man and woman having sex; what's this one-a man and a dog having sex; what's this one-a woman and a horse! Psychiatrist-think you need some therapy as you keep thinking about sex: man-me! It's you with the dirty pictures!:o

mumbar · 21/02/2011 20:48

There 100 nuns in a convent.

One day they are called called in to an 'assembly' and Sister Mary Elizabeth announces she has recieved some shocking news.

She begins:
"1 Nun sneaked out of the convent yesterday"

99 nuns go "aahh", 1 nun goes "teheehe"

"The nun herself met a man"

99 nuns go "aaaahhh", 1 nun goes "teeheehee"

"The nun has sex with the man"

99 nuns go "aaaahooohhh", 1 nun goes "teeheeheehee"

"The nun and the man used a condom"

99 nuns go "aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhooooohhh", 1 nun goes "teeheeheeheehee"

"I ahve had a phonecall today from this man asking me to tell the nun the condom split"

99 nuns go "teeheehee", 1 nun goes "aaaaahhhhhhh".

Long but I love that joke.

hardhatdonned · 21/02/2011 20:49

What do you call a 3 legged donkey?

A Wonkey

LindyHemming · 21/02/2011 20:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ArabellaFinchHartley · 21/02/2011 20:54

maresdotes - please explain the nun one to me. I don't get it Blush

BehindLockNumberNine · 21/02/2011 20:54

I used to have this racing snail,he was absolutely brilliant and won lots of races.
Lately however he has not been doing so well.
So I decided to remove his shell in an attempt to make him more aero-dynamic.
I don't think it has worked. If anything, it has made him more sluggish!

WriterofDreams · 21/02/2011 21:00

My grandpa wasn't well so we covered him in oil.

After that he went downhill very quickly.

DanFmDorking · 21/02/2011 21:05

Someone stole my dogs yesterday.
I don't know who but I've discovered a couple of leads.

The power went out at work today.
I was trapped on the escalator for 3 hours.

"Now pay attention, 007; this looks like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it."

A wife asks her husband, a software engineer; "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get six!"
A short time later the husband comes back with six cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy six cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had eggs."

TeamLemon · 21/02/2011 21:07

PMSL at sluggish and slick grandpa!

munkymaz · 21/02/2011 21:33

Why does Edward Woodward have so many Ds in his name?

'Cos otherwise he'd be E-war Woo-war!

Numberfour · 21/02/2011 21:38

Arabella, I don't get Maresdotes' one about the nuns, either. Must be the way it was told Grin

gapbear · 21/02/2011 21:43

Wears the soap, rather than where's the soap...geddit? Grin

TeamLemon · 21/02/2011 23:20

What is orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.

Did you hear about the magic tractor?

It turned into a field.

LindyHemming · 22/02/2011 06:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wallace · 22/02/2011 07:25

Thanks for giving me a giggle Grin

Man walking along the beach in Spain and hears two rather large girls in bikinis speaking in strong Cardiff accents.

Man: I recognise that accent! you girls are from Scotland, aren't you?
Girls: Wales, you idiot!
Man: So sorry! You two whales are from Scotland, aren't you?

EggyChick · 22/02/2011 07:33

Two snowmen standing in a garden. One turns to the other and says 'Can you smell carrots?'

My all time, rolled out every year favourite, don't wear it out.

ben5 · 22/02/2011 07:36

still don't get the nuns and the soapBlush

the rest are great!

grinningbee · 22/02/2011 07:41

I'm going to lower the tone, but I do like this one:

What's the difference between a brussel sprout and a bogey?

You can't get kids to eat brussel sprouts!

Grin
CrosswordAddict · 22/02/2011 07:52

What's brown and sticky?

A stick!

RustyBear · 22/02/2011 07:53

Ben5 - with the nuns/soap joke, one nun has a soul full of hope, the other....

I first heard it as two nuns in the dark - "Where's the candle... "

AmandaCooper · 22/02/2011 07:54

Eggychick Two parrots standing on a perch. One says, "can you smell fish?"