to expect a laugh out loud joke to get through half term

[coorong]

need some along these lines - to get through me half term - dearly beloved stuck at work again but did send this to appease me

An Englishman, Scotsman, Irishman, Welshman, Dutchman, Chineseman, Korean, Estonian, Bulgarian, Latvian, Italian, Frenchman, Mexican, Argentinian, Chilian, Israeli, Canadian, American, Egyptian, Swede and a Norwegian walk into a pub.
The landlord says "I can't let you in without a Thai"

any other offers?

2 nuns driving through Transylvania at night.

Suddenly a vampire leaps on their windscreen.

In a panic, the nuns try everything they can to make him fall off. They try the windscreen wipers, emergency stop but nothing will work.

Suddenly Nun 1 has an idea:

"I know, Sister Mary, show him your cross"

So Sister Mary winds down the window and shouts "get the fck off my car your bloodsucking bstard"!

Bugger! Typo there:

you're cross not "your".

Duh!!

Nope actually, shall I give up telling jokes now because I did actually mean to type it the way I did initially.......she's talking about the rosary......

Annya - I love yours

I tried the 'what do you call a sheep with no legs' one on my nephew, and he suggested 'a heap' which also made me laugh (easily amused )

Thecanklesofwisdom, give over, no I haven't read the entire thread because I couldn't be arsed

that joke is as old as the hills so don't think either of us can claim ownership

lighten up and read a few jokes, might cheer you up

I'll give it another go........

Zebra escapes from the zoo and finds herself wandering around a farm.

Hearing some clucking she wanders over the to the creature making the noise and says
"what are you?"

"I'm a hen" replies the creature.

"So what do you do?"
"I lay eggs for the farmer"

curiosity satisfied, the zebra continues to amble through the farmyard. She comes across an oinking/grunting creature:

"what are you?"
"I'm a pig" replies the oinking creature
"what do you do?"
"well, I sit here eating and rolling in mud and one day I'll be turned into sausages"

curiosity satisfied, she wanders off. The next noise she hears is snorting and stamping. Peering over the gate, the zebra sees a massive black creature with wild eyes and horns.

"What on earth are you?" she says
"I'm a bull" he replies
"And what do you do?"
"Take those fancy pyjamas off, Horsey and I'll show you"

:o

what

Why did the architect have his house made backwards?
So he could watch tv at the same time

(works better out loud - housemaid)

didya hear about the gynaecologist who wall-papered his hall way through the letter box.

A man goes into an Indian takeaway and says "Can I have a Tarka Massala please?"

The man in the takeaway says "Sorry we don't do Tarka Massala, we do Tikka Massala though."

The man says "It's the same as a Tikka Massala only it's a little 'otter!"

Love that one, makes me laugh every time.

Three nuns sitting on a bench. A streaker runs by.
Two of the nuns have a stroke...but the third couldn't reach.

Why was six afraid of seven?
Because seven eight nine

vintagesocks PMSL

I apologise in advance to the Kiwis - but ...

Three Kiwis and three Aussies are travelling by train to a rugby game. At the station, the three Kiwis each buy a ticket and watch with bewilderment as the three Aussies buy only a single ticket between them.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a Kiwi.

"Watch and you?ll see", answers the Aussie.

They all board the train. The Kiwis take their respective seats but all three Aussies cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket please". The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Kiwis see this and agree it was quite a clever plan. So after the game, the Kiwis decide to copy the Aussies on the return trip and save some money, (being clever with money and all that).

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for their return trip. To their astonishment, the Aussies don?t buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel ?without? a ticket?" asks one perplexed Kiwi. "Watch and you?ll see", answers a Aussie. When they board the train, the three Kiwis cram into a bathroom and the Aussies cram into another nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the Aussies leaves and walks over to the bathroom where the Kiwis are hiding.

He knocks on the door and says, "Tickets please"!!!!!

Loving that nuns joke :D fantastic thread

pmsl rustybear... and the stick one is my personal favourite...

Whay are nun jokes so amusing?

What sexual preferences do monks have?
None

The kids next door have challenged me to a water fight... I'm just updating my status while i wait for the kettle to boil! ;o) hehehe

hope this does not offend anyone.

great jokes, Crapbarry. Are you a professional?

How did the scarecrow win the nobel prize?

He was outstanding in his field

Two drunken women were on their way back home from a night out. They stopped in a graveyard as they were desperate for a pee. One wipes herself with her knickers, the other uses a wreath. Their husbands were in the pub the next day. One says, "I'd better watch my wife. She came home last night with no knickers on!" the other man says "Thats fuck all mate, mine came home with a card wedged up her arse saying "You were amazing, We'll never forget you. From all the boys at the firestation."

A farmer had successfully grown a field of vibrators, the only problem he has now are squatters......

I have a nun joke too - well, it's one of my dad's jokes (learned at my father's knee, and other low joints)...

You can kiss a nun once, you can kiss a nun twice, but you mustn't get into the habit.

An addendum to the joke about the deer with no legs.

Where would you find the deer with no legs?

Right where you left it!